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News Roundup

  • From the “Air Assault Parenting” Department – Spanish gynecologists have developed a speaker that is designed to stimulate the development and maturity of children as they grow in their mother’s womb.  While the concept of using music directed at an unborn child is nothing new, their approach is.  You see, rather than just putting a pair of headphones on the mother’s belly, this speaker is designed to be used internally.  Yeah, so that happened.  Ladies, repeat after me:  good nutrition, healthy exercise, rest, prenatal medical care.  Everything else can wait until after the little one is a cute bundle keeping you awake at 2 AM, and an infant doesn’t care about Mozart or the Winnie The Pooh wallpaper.
  • From the “Going Places” Department – A young girl in Iowa showed a lot of personal initiative the other day when she penned a note to her mother trying to convince her that Christmas break had been extended.  I look forward to her 2056 presidential campaign.
  • From the “Flag On The Play” Department – A Buffalo Bills fan set himself on fire by jumping, not once, but twice, across a table which had been set aflame during pre-game festivities.  By ‘festivities’ I mean ‘Getting liquored up and having a wonderful time’.  Team doctors cleared him for play, and he started at fullback later that afternoon.
  • From the “Whoopsie!” Department – A dummy Hellfire missile, which the U.S. sent to Spain for a training exercise, has ended up in the hands of the Cuban government.  It appears that the missile was mis-sorted when it was shipped back to the United States, and somehow got put on a plane to Cuba while transiting France.  No word yet on when the errant missile will return to the U.S., although sources report that it has developed an affinity for rum and good cigars.  A spokesman for workers at the Paris airport reportedly told journalists that he ‘farts in their general direction’ when questioned about the incident.

News Roundup

  • From the “Tax Dollars at Work” Department – The Marine Corps is shelving two robotics projects.  In one, the robot can only carry about 40 pounds and requires constant operator input.  In the other, the robot can go for 48 hours straight, but apparently its gas motor is a tad loud.  So, basically, it took $42 million to figure out that the if the Marines wanted something that can carry 40 pounds and needs constant supervision, they can get another private, as well as figuring out that a pack mule that sounds like a leaf blower isn’t such a good idea when out on patrol. I’d make a joke here, but that’d be like beating a dead, robotic mule.
  • From the “Money Doesn’t Buy Intelligence” Department – Police report that a pizza order via cell phone led them to a mother and son pair of fugitives.  The son became famous a few years ago after his defense for killing people while driving drunk was “Hey, I’m rich and my parents indulged me too much!”.  He was given ten years of probation in exchange for killing four people, and he apparently couldn’t even do that right.  Authorities pledge to try to do better this time, and are reportedly planning on having the young man go to his room to think about what he’s done, and this time they mean it.
  • From the “Hands in the Cookie Jar” Department – The NSA, which really ought to know better, has been caught out listening in on not only the conversations of Israeli politicians, but also those of U.S. officials.  Now, let’s be brutally honest here:  there is no problem with the United States government conducting intelligence against Israel if that furthers a United States national security objective.  This is the real world, and governments read each other’s mail.  However, the moment that somebody realized that somebody in the conversation was a U.S. citizen, much less a member of Congress, they really ought to have pulled the plug.  Seriously, this is the kind of thing that ought to send somebody to jail.  I find it instructive that the White House rather artfully dodged discussion of the NSA intercepting conversations that involved members of Congress.  I won’t hold my breath while waiting for somebody to be disciplined for this.
  • From the “Dumbass” Department – A police officer in Iowa is in trouble after he fired his weapon while practicing his ‘quick draw.’  Officer Hopalong apparently decided that it was not only a good idea to practice his draw while at an airport, but also to do it with a loaded firearm and not keep his #!@#$!@ booger hook off the #$!#@$!@ bang switch.  In response to this incident, his department has mandated that firearms training and practice not happen at airports.

News Roundup

  • From the “Shaken, Not Stirred” Department – Comet Lovejoy, which is swing its way through the solar system, appears to be more than a dirty snowball.  Rather, it may be more like a dirty martini. Scientists studying the compounds that escape it during its trip near the sun believe that it is outgassing large amounts of ethyl alcohol, or as they call it here in Kentucky, corn squeezings.  Good to know that when we finally make our way off this mudball, we will be able to find at least one of the prerequisites for life:  booze.
  • From the “This D!!@A House” Department – A woman in Massachusetts was unharmed the other day when she accidentally broke off a gas valve in her basement.  The house eventually caught on fire and exploded, and thankfully, nobody was harmed. I’m sure it was unintentional, although I must admit that at points in all of our ‘projects’ at Casa de Oso, I start to pick out places to implant explosives so that I can implode the place without messing with the neighbors.
  • From the “Gripping Your Pillow Tight” Department – Scientists have discovered that crocodiles sleep with one eye open, and only rest half their brains at a time while sleeping.  Having been married to a redhead for over a decade, I can now say that I have at least one thing in common with crocodiles.
  • From the “Cold Dead Hands” Department – Authorities in California, London, New York, and Austin are warning the public that the level of asshats in their area has grown so concentrated that they may collapse into singularities and suck the rest of the world into their joyless, self-centered, pitiful realms of existence.  This is after the World Health Organization, known for their daily two-minutes-hate against anything fun in the world, including baby kittens, announced that bacon, sausage, and other forms of red meat are now to be considered carcinogens.  In response, I suggest a guerrilla war against the jackbooted thugs from WHO, in which we will launch nitrates, smoke flavoring, and pork leavings through their bedroom windows at 2 AM, thereby ensuring that they do not get a decent sleep for months to come.  Remember, if they come for your bacon, turn them into compost.  Do it for mother Gaia.
  • From the “Darwin was British” Department – British transport officials are begging people to stop endangering their lives by lingering on railroad tracks.  It seems that some places have become magnets for lemmings people who want to take pictures, have conversations, and become an urban legend by being knocked out of their shoes and over the vicar’s new red barn, and the government would rather they do it somewhere less dangerous.  This reporter suggests the meat packing plants, foundries, and down on Pier 43 after midnight.  Really, anywhere people like this can be taken out of my gene pool before they breed.
  • From the “Grave Robbing” Department – Archeologists in Greece have announced the discover of an intact grave from the Mycenaean culture.  The man, who was buried with weapons to the left and treasure to the right (Here I am, stuck in the middle with you), is currently being audited by European tax officials for being 3,500 years in arrears, and is expected to lose all of his gold and 2/3 of the gilded weapons once they finish.  The non-gilded weapons have been impounded by EU officials as dangerous to public safety and tranquility.

News Roundup

  • From the “Going Places” Department – The Obama administration is asking Japanese auto manufacturer Toyota why Daesh, the terrorist organization currently enjoying a boost in Syria as Russia bombs half of its opponents into the Stone Age, got so many Hylux and Land Cruiser trucks.  Apparently nobody in the State Department has ever actually been to the 3rd World, where one cannot swing a dead cat without striking a Toyota.  In other news, the Pentagon is questioning Kalashnikov about why Daesh has so many AK-pattern rifles and carbines.
  • From the “For the Children” Department – Chicago is experiencing an epidemic of fatal overdoses among heroine addicts, with 74 people dying in a recent three day period.  I, for one, am tired of seeing the senseless deaths of our citizens, and I demand that Congress climb out of Big Pharma’s pockets and immediately pass legislation making heroine illegal.  They should also make the use of fentanyl, a remarkably strong pain killer, highly regulated and only available from specially licensed doctors and pharmacies.
  • From the “Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” Department – Scientists and other staff at the South Pole apparently like to tie one on every so often. And by “every so often,” they appear to mean “whenever.”  Normally, I’d be all for people getting lit whenever they feel like it, but apparently some are taking it too far.  Reports of fights and other problems with inebriated South Pole denizens are becoming common. Of course, I can’t really blame them.  What else are you going to do when it’s below zero out, the sun either hasn’t come up or gone down in weeks, and you live in a small building with 25 of your closest friends?  Parcheesi only goes so far, and nobody wants a repeat of the Great Dungeons and Dragons versus Monopoly Riot of 1998.
  • From the “Brown Water” Department – A study in Austria suggests that people who like bitter things, like coffee and dark chocolate, are more likely to be aggressive or possibly even psychopathic.  I, as a lover of coffee that blocks out all light and chocolate so pure that it crunches, have only this to say – You touch my coffee or my chocolate, and I will cut you four types of bad:  long, deep, wide, and often.

There Oughta Not Be A Law

Some bluntskull in the Northeast decided to get the Charles Darwin Lifetime Achievement Gold Plaque and Souvenir Football Phone the other day, when he turned his cranium from an innie into an outie using commercially available fireworks.  Now that his mother has finished having someone scrape up her son’s gray matter and personal dignity off of the ground, she wants a law, darn it, to keep morons from doing stupid crap with fireworks by making sure that we have to go through a state certified training class, because something something guns something cars.  An anti-firework bottom feeder in the state legislature is oh-so happy to pander to the panic over window-licking 22 year olds putting a lit fireworks mortar on their head, and says that we have to do something for the man-children.

Let’s see….

Over the age of adulthood – Check

Using legal fireworks – Check

Drunk – Probable Check

Yep, it’s a trifecta of bad ideas that coalesced into a cautionary tale that will be quickly held up as shiny to the stupid and then discarded when something newer and just as shiny comes up.

Stupidity is supposed to hurt. In this case it was fatal.

You want a new rule? How about this – Every parent should tell their idiot son to not wear an explosive device like a tophat and try to clown around for his buddies. If you’re not willing to do that, then you’re not serious.

As for “We have to do something”, well, you missed that boat about 15 years ago, pal, when someone should have taken that young man aside and told him School of Cool Rule Number One – Don’t be F…ing stupid.

I’m not blaming the victim. You can’t be a victim of your own stupidity.

Image of the Day

Remembering The Other’s Humanity

This morning, I read the news that Beau Biden, son of Vice President Biden, died yesterday from brain cancer.  The younger Biden was a lawyer, an officer in the National Guard, and served his state of Delaware as Attorney General.  It appears that he dedicated his life to serving his state and country, no matter what his politics were, and I respect that.

We have become polarized, almost balkanized, when it comes to politics in America.  We aren’t at the point where vitriol easily gives way to violence, but frequent attacks, both ideological and personal, come from both sides.

But when something like this happens to someone on the other side, we need to take a moment to think about the pain the Vice President and his family are going through now, not the differences we have with him.  We need to remember that but for the grace of God, it could be any one of us burying our child, our spouse, our parent.

No matter what our differences, we are still human beings, created in the beauty and love of a forgiving maker, and we owe it to each other and to ourselves to remember that.

Please join me in keeping the Vice President, his son, and their family in our thoughts and prayers in the days to come.  The time for politics and arguing will come, but right now, we need to be more than what we have become.

News Roundup

  • From the “Get A Rope” Department – A man in New York has been ordered to spend weekends in jail for four months and to pay $17,000 to replace the bronze grave markers he stole from veterans’ graves last year.  I say he got off light.  Personally, I think he ought to be bronzed and placed at the gate to the local military cemetery as a warning to other scumbags.   Next to it, I want the owner of the scrap yard that took the markers without noticing things like ranks, campaigns, and dates for birth and dates.  If he knew what he was taking, he’s the scum of the earth and needs to be drug behind a deuce and a half through an old impact zone on Fort Ord.  If he’s too stupid to know what he was looking at, then he needs to be taken out of the gene pool before he breeds.
  • From the “Good Luck” Department – Panama City, Florida, a destination for spring breakers and a place on my map to avoid while we wend our way to our vacation spot this summer, has designated the entire month of March as spring break, and will be enforcing a new law that outlaws alcohol on pubic beaches and liquor sales after 2 AM.  For those of you who have led a good life and don’t know this, college students and sneaky high school students tend to flock to beach resorts to spend money and kill brain cells during spring break.  Panama City has been plagued with this yearly invasion for several decades, and it would appear that the seedier crowd is taking over.  Multiple rapes and other crimes were reported in the past few years, and this appears to be an attempt to reign in the crazy.  I wish them luck, and look forward to more reports of drunken teenagers getting into trouble next spring.
  • From the “Good Advice” Department – A police department in Massachusetts has advised citizens to not chase bears through the woods, drunk, and carrying a hatchet.  I wholeheartedly support this viewpoint.  Getting that drunk is not good for you, running with a hatchet is never a good idea, and it’s probably not good for the bears to have that much alcohol in their snacks.
  • From the “Cloudy Water” Department – A spearfisher in Florida recently used a video camera to document an encounter with a 12 foot great white shark.  He claims that the shaky video is because he was trying to juggle his spear, a bag of fish, and the camera, which is wholly believable.  Why else would you be shaking, crying, and messing your wetsuit when a large apex predator is checking you out like you were the meat lover’s pizza on a buffet?
  • From the “Hope and Change” Department – Giggles, a one year old pig, is running for mayor of Flint, Michigan.  His qualifications appear to be that he’s not a money hog, doesn’t have a criminal record, and will not feed at the trough of special interests.  His opponents are attacking his candidacy, asking if he knows about clean water and fiscal policy.  That, of course, begs the question of how much they themselves know about such issues, but I digress.  Confidential sources tell me that Giggles will be getting several endorsements from public sector unions, which are used to getting into bed with swine.  DaddyBear’s Den endorses Giggles’ candidacy, and I wish him luck as he tries to turn Flint into a real sty instead of a figurative one.

Bend Like A Reid In The Wind

Senator Harry Reid of Nevada, current Minority Leader, former Majority Leader, and internationally recognized champion in Olympic pig calling, has announced that he will not seek re-election in 2016.  I’d like to thank Senator Reid for his long years of government service, and wish him well as he retires from 32 years in Congress where he accomplished…..  Well, there’s that one time he got….  Hmmm, well, as Majority Leader he…..  Well, he must have done something to rise through the ranks of his party other than being able to get the people of Nevada to keep re-electing him, and we thank him for that.

Since Mr. Reid is a go-getter kind of guy, I can’t see him joining the rocking chair brigade.  Here are some suggestions for what he can do after he leaves Washington:

  • Work at the Walmart in Pahrump.  However, instead of being a greeter, Harry can stand in front of the checkout lines and prevent shoppers from completing their purchase.
  • Join the crew at the Bellagio, where he will spend his time putting dry wall screws into the wheel of fortune and the roulette wheel so that they can’t spin.
  • Stand at the top of Hoover Dam and push people over the side just before they finish the tour.
  • Earn that NRA rating by traveling to golf courses and shooting the balls just as they make that last chip onto the 18th green.
  • Stand on the Las Vegas Strip and hand out “business” cards featuring pictures of his former female Democrat colleagues, including Dianne Feinstein, Hillary Clinton, and Nancy Pelosi.
  • Work with the monorail company in Las Vegas to make sure that an efficient, cost-effective, and convenient mass-transit system never extends to McCarran Airport from the Strip.

Anyway, we here at DaddyBear’s Den wish Mr. Reid a pleasant retirement.  Thanks for all the blog fodder, Harry!

Justice – Grinding Slow, Yet Grinding Fine

Today, the Army announced that it was charging Bowe Bergdahl with desertion and misbehavior before the enemy.  If convicted, he faces life in prison, reduction in rank, and a dishonorable discharge.  At first, I was going to rail about how I feel about his guilt in these crimes and the punishment I believe he deserves, but that puts the spotlight right back on Bergdahl.  I was going to shout to the mountain tops about the role politics played in his release, but that also detracts from what should be remembered in all this.

This is what we should remember:

SSG Clayton Bowen
PFC Morris Walker
SSG Kurt Curtis
2LT Darryn Andrews
SSG Michael Murphrey
PFC Matthew Martinek

These are the six soldiers who died during the operations that were launched to search for Bergdahl.  Can I guarantee that they wouldn’t have been killed had he not walked away from his unit?  No, of course not.  But he did, and they were killed looking for him.

These are the people I want to hear about.  These are the men who deserve the spotlight in all this.  These are the soldiers who deserve our attention, not Bergdahl.

Let justice grind him beneath its wheels.  I wish him a fair trial and all the justice he can handle.  I also hope that he is forgotten, but these men never are.

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