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News Roundup

  • From the “Lupine Loping” Department – A woman in Canada was surprised when she was overtaken on the road by a pair of wolves out for a jog.  It’s good to see animal Olympians putting in the hours even during the off years.  This reminds me of the beginning of one of my favorite book series.  No word yet on whether authorities were able to identify the wolves or ticket them for speeding.
  • From the “Border Birthing” Department – A young woman from Arizona was able to make it back to the border when she went into labor while visiting Mexico.  Customs and Border Protection officers assisted her in the birth when the little bundle of joy decided to not wait for EMS.  According to unnamed sources, the Justice Department has declined to prosecute the mother for smuggling a human being across the border in her womb.
  • From the “First You Say It, Then You Do It” Department – Australian authorities are asking folks in Sydney to turn in any pieces of an airplane that lost its propeller so that they can piece together what happened to it.  This reporter has learned that the mechanic just assumed that Saab, the aircraft’s Swedish manufacturer, just included extra bolts along with the allen wrench in the box it came in.
  • From the “Bad Idea” Department – A Kentucky woman was arrested recently when she allegedly brought a needle and heroin into a Louisville courtroom.  One of the many side effects of illicit opiate use seems to be a lowering of I.Q.  I compliment the judge in this case for telling the young lady to get herself together or she would be looking at prison time.  From the other information in the report, I cannot imagine how she keeps her humanity intact seeing what washes through her courtroom day after day.

Are You Bloody Kidding Me?

Like most people who monitor the news, I was aghast at the attempted mass-murder at Ohio State University the other day. The incident seems to have involved a young man, who was born in Somalia, came here as a refugee, and was admitted to the university.  For one reason or another, he decided to run his car up onto a sidewalk, ramming into a group of students, then hopped out and attacked them with a large knife.

Luckily for everyone involved, a young police officer, who happened to be in the area, shot the attacker, limiting the damage he caused and probably saving lives.  Due to confusion in the first moments of the incident, this was reported as a ‘mass shooting’, and the usual suspects roused themselves to fling poo and squawk about the need for gun control in our nation.  I’m not going to comment on that.  They were playing to type, reacting on instinct and reflex, and better minds than mine have already beaten them back into their cells.

Then, this crossed my screen:


Now, I am not a Buckeye, so I won’t comment on whether or not the piece of ungrateful trash, who betrayed our hospitality by trying to murder as many of us as he could, deserves to be considered part of that particular tribe.  I will say that I have no compassion for his life, and I’m glad that it ended as quickly and brutally as it did.  My only regret is that he didn’t use the car and knife to kill himself and save us all the trouble.

That useless waste of of a broken condom was a refugee, meaning that at some time in his life we, as a people, decided that we cared enough about him to invite him into our home.  We sheltered him, fed him, clothed him, educated him, and allowed him to attend one of the more prestigious public universities in our nation.  In an interview that he gave earlier this year, he expressed anxiety about practicing his faith in public, but I can find no evidence that he was actually harassed for doing so.

In return, he decided that he wanted to murder us and used the tools he had at hand to do so.

Now, Ms. Thompson, who is an assistant director at the university, wants us to feel “compassion” for what the murdering son of a swineherd has gone through.  She wishes we would consider his “pain”.  To top it off, she ends her missive, which she seems to have wanted to remain private, with the hashtags for the Black Lives Matter movement and a hope that we will humanize the attacker by saying his name.

As for compassion, I hope it hurt.  I hope the policeman shot him center mass, so that he had to bleed out internally and feel every heartbeat.  I hope that time dilation stretched it out as much as possible in his mind, and I hope he had time to realize that he had failed in his mission.

I refuse to consider his pain in my judgement of him.  Instead, I will consider the pain of the people he harmed.  I will feel compassion for them and their families as they try to deal with the consequences of this choir boy’s crime.

As for BLM, and ‘saying his name’, I’ve got news for you:  If your political/social movement wants to claim this scum as one of your own, have at it.  I refuse to say his name and humanize him, because he resigned his membership in my species the moment he jumped that curb.

Instead, I will venerate the name of Alan Horujko, who ran to the sound of the screams and put this bastard down in the most effective manner I can think of.  Long after the murdering excrement who caused all this has rotted in his grave and is forgotten, he will still be rightly hailed as a hero.

There is a time for compassion and understanding.  There is also a time for tossing the trash in our society over the walls for the dogs to feast on.  I can’t tell anyone else how to feel, but as for me, I hope this ex-human tastes good to canine palates.

News Roundup

  • From the “Priorities” Department – The USDA is moving ahead with a pilot program to allow people on government assistance to use their SNAP benefits, commonly known as food stamps, to purchase food through on-line vendors who will deliver groceries to your door.  While this could alleviate the problem of poor people who do not have access to transportation and live further than is conveniently walked from a grocery store, this brings up a couple of question:  If you’re too poor to pay for your own groceries, how can you afford Internet access?  If you have the mobility to get somewhere with free Internet access such as a library or restaurant, don’t you have the mobility to get to a grocery store?
  • From the “Tech and Tackle” Department – The NFL is considering putting tracking chips in the footballs used in games.  The technology will be used to track the ball’s location in space, especially during point-after and field goal kicks.  No word yet on whether they will include a pressure gauge.
  • From the “Backups Save Lives” Department – A man, who has maintained his Blogger site for almost a decade and a half, recently found that all of this work, along with all of the information he kept in his gmail account, was gone.  It seems that Google shut him down for some unknown violation of their terms of service.  Attempts to find and fix the problem with Google have come to naught.  This is a reminder that when you use the “cloud” for anything, you’re using someone else’s computer and they can do pretty much anything they want with your work.  Backup your data, people.
  • From the “Parenting” Department – A Pennsylvania woman is in trouble after she allegedly used the trunk of her Corvette as a car seat for her children.  In related news, I was just reminded of the many times I was used to hold down the hatch on a 1974-ish Ford Pinto when my father needed to go to the lumber yard 30 miles away.
  • From the “Home Cooking” Department – A woman in Tennessee had to call the fire department recently due to a fire in her bathroom.  It seems that she had decided that a little barbecue would be good, so she set a fire in her fiberglass bathtub and tried to cook brisket over it.  Now, everyone knows that when you’re trying for that authentic barbecue flavor, you use porcelain-glazed cast iron, but it’s good to try new things every once in a while.  There is no information as to whether she used a tangy, mustard-based fire suppressant on her meat, or if she is of that heretical sweet ketchup sauce splinter faction.

Yet Again

Tonight, we can add Nice to a list of cities that includes Paris, London, Boston, and Madrid.

The people of Nice had gathered to celebrate their revolution, to remember the promise of Bastille Day.  Their peace, bought with centuries of toil and blood, was shattered by men who came not to celebrate, but to murder.  They did not target France’s military, nor her government.  They targeted her men and women, her children, her old people.  They targeted her soul.

The threat is leaving the big cities and branching out to the heartlands.  Nice is not Paris, nor is it Brussels.  It is only slightly larger than St. Louis in population.  In the United States, a city its size would probably not have security as would be expected in places such as Boston or Chicago.  The enemy is learning to strike where their targets are softest.  I fear that it is a lesson that will not be ignored here.

Yet again, innocent blood has been spilled at the hands of an evil growing in our world.

Yet again, we will hear the mealy-mouthed platitudes of the politicians and the pundits.

Yet again, they will tell us that we must not judge, that we must not blame others for these actions.

I have a different exhortation for the people of France, for all of the free world.  I hope that the call is taken up until the world rings with it, until its utterance strikes terror in the hearts of our enemies.

Aux armes, citoyens,
Formez vos bataillons,
Marchons, marchons!
Qu’un sang impur
Abreuve nos sillons!

To arms, citizens,
Form your battalions,
Let’s march, let’s march!
Let an impure blood
Soak our fields!


Politics Roundup

  • From the “Not One Cent for Tribute” Department – The Obama administration has apparently been making secret payments, to the tune of $1.7 billion, to the government of Iran over the past few years.  These are ostensibly to cover the cost of settling decades-old legal disputes with the Iranians, and more payments are planned for the future.  While I’m perfectly fine with the administration conducting diplomacy to find solutions to problems, this smacks of bribery and appeasement to me.  When are the Iranians going to repay us for our embassy, the detention of our diplomats, and the deaths of American service members at the hands of Iran-funded and trained terrorists going back to Reagan’s first term?
  • From the “Barbarians and other Vermin” Department – Police investigations into the bombings in Brussels continue.  So far, several arrests have been made, but apparently not of the bomb maker for this particular nest of human filth.  Several Americans have been hurt in the attacks, with some still unaccounted for.  President Obama took a few minutes away from his junket in Havana to comment on the attack, but apparently the loss of American blood doesn’t warrant an American response.  Seriously, this is the kind of stuff that would have caused us to level somebody’s home town in days gone by.  In related news, I think this young man needs to stay home and play XBox for a while.
  • From the “It Weren’t Lutherans” Department – A State Department official has asserted that the attacks in Brussels had nothing to do with religion, rather they were motivated by a ‘warped and brutal, depraved ideology’.  A request for comment on which religions other than Islam contribute adherents to this ‘warped and brutal, depraved ideology’ have gone unanswered.
  • From the “Third Rail” Department – The Cruz and Trump campaigns have apparently decided to start trashing each other’s wives.  A PAC that, while not connected to Senator Cruz, supports him, put up an advertisement featuring a nude photo of Mr. Trump’s third wife, Melania.  In response, Mr. Trump is threatening to ‘spill the beans’ about Senator Cruz’s wife, Heidi.  A little digging by this reporter suggests that the ‘beans’ that Mr. Trump is threatening to spill are actually the ones Mrs. Cruz puts in her chili, a cardinal sin in the great state of Texas.  No word from the Clinton or Sanders campaigns on whether or not they will join in on the fun of trashing each others’ spouses, although I have it on good authority that Mrs. Clinton lives in terror that someone will bring up her husband’s character at a debate.

News Roundup

  • From the “Air Assault Parenting” Department – Spanish gynecologists have developed a speaker that is designed to stimulate the development and maturity of children as they grow in their mother’s womb.  While the concept of using music directed at an unborn child is nothing new, their approach is.  You see, rather than just putting a pair of headphones on the mother’s belly, this speaker is designed to be used internally.  Yeah, so that happened.  Ladies, repeat after me:  good nutrition, healthy exercise, rest, prenatal medical care.  Everything else can wait until after the little one is a cute bundle keeping you awake at 2 AM, and an infant doesn’t care about Mozart or the Winnie The Pooh wallpaper.
  • From the “Going Places” Department – A young girl in Iowa showed a lot of personal initiative the other day when she penned a note to her mother trying to convince her that Christmas break had been extended.  I look forward to her 2056 presidential campaign.
  • From the “Flag On The Play” Department – A Buffalo Bills fan set himself on fire by jumping, not once, but twice, across a table which had been set aflame during pre-game festivities.  By ‘festivities’ I mean ‘Getting liquored up and having a wonderful time’.  Team doctors cleared him for play, and he started at fullback later that afternoon.
  • From the “Whoopsie!” Department – A dummy Hellfire missile, which the U.S. sent to Spain for a training exercise, has ended up in the hands of the Cuban government.  It appears that the missile was mis-sorted when it was shipped back to the United States, and somehow got put on a plane to Cuba while transiting France.  No word yet on when the errant missile will return to the U.S., although sources report that it has developed an affinity for rum and good cigars.  A spokesman for workers at the Paris airport reportedly told journalists that he ‘farts in their general direction’ when questioned about the incident.

News Roundup

  • From the “Tax Dollars at Work” Department – The Marine Corps is shelving two robotics projects.  In one, the robot can only carry about 40 pounds and requires constant operator input.  In the other, the robot can go for 48 hours straight, but apparently its gas motor is a tad loud.  So, basically, it took $42 million to figure out that the if the Marines wanted something that can carry 40 pounds and needs constant supervision, they can get another private, as well as figuring out that a pack mule that sounds like a leaf blower isn’t such a good idea when out on patrol. I’d make a joke here, but that’d be like beating a dead, robotic mule.
  • From the “Money Doesn’t Buy Intelligence” Department – Police report that a pizza order via cell phone led them to a mother and son pair of fugitives.  The son became famous a few years ago after his defense for killing people while driving drunk was “Hey, I’m rich and my parents indulged me too much!”.  He was given ten years of probation in exchange for killing four people, and he apparently couldn’t even do that right.  Authorities pledge to try to do better this time, and are reportedly planning on having the young man go to his room to think about what he’s done, and this time they mean it.
  • From the “Hands in the Cookie Jar” Department – The NSA, which really ought to know better, has been caught out listening in on not only the conversations of Israeli politicians, but also those of U.S. officials.  Now, let’s be brutally honest here:  there is no problem with the United States government conducting intelligence against Israel if that furthers a United States national security objective.  This is the real world, and governments read each other’s mail.  However, the moment that somebody realized that somebody in the conversation was a U.S. citizen, much less a member of Congress, they really ought to have pulled the plug.  Seriously, this is the kind of thing that ought to send somebody to jail.  I find it instructive that the White House rather artfully dodged discussion of the NSA intercepting conversations that involved members of Congress.  I won’t hold my breath while waiting for somebody to be disciplined for this.
  • From the “Dumbass” Department – A police officer in Iowa is in trouble after he fired his weapon while practicing his ‘quick draw.’  Officer Hopalong apparently decided that it was not only a good idea to practice his draw while at an airport, but also to do it with a loaded firearm and not keep his #!@#$!@ booger hook off the #$!#@$!@ bang switch.  In response to this incident, his department has mandated that firearms training and practice not happen at airports.

News Roundup

  • From the “Shaken, Not Stirred” Department – Comet Lovejoy, which is swing its way through the solar system, appears to be more than a dirty snowball.  Rather, it may be more like a dirty martini. Scientists studying the compounds that escape it during its trip near the sun believe that it is outgassing large amounts of ethyl alcohol, or as they call it here in Kentucky, corn squeezings.  Good to know that when we finally make our way off this mudball, we will be able to find at least one of the prerequisites for life:  booze.
  • From the “This D!!@A House” Department – A woman in Massachusetts was unharmed the other day when she accidentally broke off a gas valve in her basement.  The house eventually caught on fire and exploded, and thankfully, nobody was harmed. I’m sure it was unintentional, although I must admit that at points in all of our ‘projects’ at Casa de Oso, I start to pick out places to implant explosives so that I can implode the place without messing with the neighbors.
  • From the “Gripping Your Pillow Tight” Department – Scientists have discovered that crocodiles sleep with one eye open, and only rest half their brains at a time while sleeping.  Having been married to a redhead for over a decade, I can now say that I have at least one thing in common with crocodiles.
  • From the “Cold Dead Hands” Department – Authorities in California, London, New York, and Austin are warning the public that the level of asshats in their area has grown so concentrated that they may collapse into singularities and suck the rest of the world into their joyless, self-centered, pitiful realms of existence.  This is after the World Health Organization, known for their daily two-minutes-hate against anything fun in the world, including baby kittens, announced that bacon, sausage, and other forms of red meat are now to be considered carcinogens.  In response, I suggest a guerrilla war against the jackbooted thugs from WHO, in which we will launch nitrates, smoke flavoring, and pork leavings through their bedroom windows at 2 AM, thereby ensuring that they do not get a decent sleep for months to come.  Remember, if they come for your bacon, turn them into compost.  Do it for mother Gaia.
  • From the “Darwin was British” Department – British transport officials are begging people to stop endangering their lives by lingering on railroad tracks.  It seems that some places have become magnets for lemmings people who want to take pictures, have conversations, and become an urban legend by being knocked out of their shoes and over the vicar’s new red barn, and the government would rather they do it somewhere less dangerous.  This reporter suggests the meat packing plants, foundries, and down on Pier 43 after midnight.  Really, anywhere people like this can be taken out of my gene pool before they breed.
  • From the “Grave Robbing” Department – Archeologists in Greece have announced the discover of an intact grave from the Mycenaean culture.  The man, who was buried with weapons to the left and treasure to the right (Here I am, stuck in the middle with you), is currently being audited by European tax officials for being 3,500 years in arrears, and is expected to lose all of his gold and 2/3 of the gilded weapons once they finish.  The non-gilded weapons have been impounded by EU officials as dangerous to public safety and tranquility.

News Roundup

  • From the “Going Places” Department – The Obama administration is asking Japanese auto manufacturer Toyota why Daesh, the terrorist organization currently enjoying a boost in Syria as Russia bombs half of its opponents into the Stone Age, got so many Hylux and Land Cruiser trucks.  Apparently nobody in the State Department has ever actually been to the 3rd World, where one cannot swing a dead cat without striking a Toyota.  In other news, the Pentagon is questioning Kalashnikov about why Daesh has so many AK-pattern rifles and carbines.
  • From the “For the Children” Department – Chicago is experiencing an epidemic of fatal overdoses among heroine addicts, with 74 people dying in a recent three day period.  I, for one, am tired of seeing the senseless deaths of our citizens, and I demand that Congress climb out of Big Pharma’s pockets and immediately pass legislation making heroine illegal.  They should also make the use of fentanyl, a remarkably strong pain killer, highly regulated and only available from specially licensed doctors and pharmacies.
  • From the “Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” Department – Scientists and other staff at the South Pole apparently like to tie one on every so often. And by “every so often,” they appear to mean “whenever.”  Normally, I’d be all for people getting lit whenever they feel like it, but apparently some are taking it too far.  Reports of fights and other problems with inebriated South Pole denizens are becoming common. Of course, I can’t really blame them.  What else are you going to do when it’s below zero out, the sun either hasn’t come up or gone down in weeks, and you live in a small building with 25 of your closest friends?  Parcheesi only goes so far, and nobody wants a repeat of the Great Dungeons and Dragons versus Monopoly Riot of 1998.
  • From the “Brown Water” Department – A study in Austria suggests that people who like bitter things, like coffee and dark chocolate, are more likely to be aggressive or possibly even psychopathic.  I, as a lover of coffee that blocks out all light and chocolate so pure that it crunches, have only this to say – You touch my coffee or my chocolate, and I will cut you four types of bad:  long, deep, wide, and often.

There Oughta Not Be A Law

Some bluntskull in the Northeast decided to get the Charles Darwin Lifetime Achievement Gold Plaque and Souvenir Football Phone the other day, when he turned his cranium from an innie into an outie using commercially available fireworks.  Now that his mother has finished having someone scrape up her son’s gray matter and personal dignity off of the ground, she wants a law, darn it, to keep morons from doing stupid crap with fireworks by making sure that we have to go through a state certified training class, because something something guns something cars.  An anti-firework bottom feeder in the state legislature is oh-so happy to pander to the panic over window-licking 22 year olds putting a lit fireworks mortar on their head, and says that we have to do something for the man-children.

Let’s see….

Over the age of adulthood – Check

Using legal fireworks – Check

Drunk – Probable Check

Yep, it’s a trifecta of bad ideas that coalesced into a cautionary tale that will be quickly held up as shiny to the stupid and then discarded when something newer and just as shiny comes up.

Stupidity is supposed to hurt. In this case it was fatal.

You want a new rule? How about this – Every parent should tell their idiot son to not wear an explosive device like a tophat and try to clown around for his buddies. If you’re not willing to do that, then you’re not serious.

As for “We have to do something”, well, you missed that boat about 15 years ago, pal, when someone should have taken that young man aside and told him School of Cool Rule Number One – Don’t be F…ing stupid.

I’m not blaming the victim. You can’t be a victim of your own stupidity.

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