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News Roundup

  • From the “Meet the New Boss” Department – Venezuelan strongman Nikolas Maduro easily won reelection this week, beating out soon-to-be State Prisoner 1271418.  Venezuelans flocked to the polls to cash in their chance to win the Maduro-Lotto, which is reported to provide enough money to buy an entire kilogram of both iguana meat and beaver cheese.  In his victory speech, El Jefe Grande remarked that henceforth, the month of May will be called Maduro, with a special Maduro Day holiday added to the traditional socialist May Day celebrations.  The holiday will be marked with a government provided buffet of whatever can be scraped off of the floor of long-emptied warehouses.
  • From the “Filthy Lucre” Department – British officials are looking into the influence of Russian investment in the UK as London tries to hold a hard line against a resurgent, aggressive Russia.  A government source, reporting from her summer dacha in Brighton, reported that no evidence of Russian interference had been found, but that she would personally get rid of any kulak that dared to bring it up.
  • From the “Bad Bird” Department – A restaurant in Perth, Australia, has started arming its patrons with water pistols in an effort to ward off the predations of seagulls.  While the strategy seems to show early promise, I suggest upping the game and charging customers for a chance to man a roof mounted water cannon.
  • From the “Code Inspector” Department – A Florida alligator recently visited a construction site and had a look around.  Witnesses reported that the reptile made a thorough assessment of the project and left instructions that the retaining wall footer needed to be redone.  He then took a long nap in the sun next to the porta-potty, followed by a long session of leaning on a shovel while he watched the rest of the crew pour concrete.

1 Comment

  1. OldNFO

     /  May 24, 2018

    Sigh… The restaurant should issue suppressed .22s… Oh wait, Australia. Never mind…

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