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News Roundup

  • From the “Petulant Poultry” Department – Peep, a pet rooster that regularly attends Civil War reenactments, recently went missing when his owner stopped at an Alabama Cracker Barrel restaurant.  Searchers combed the bushes looking for the rooster, but their luck was nothing to crow about.  Luckily, Colonel Sanders’ favorite feathered trooper was returned to his owner when a good Samaritan rescued him and drove him to Mississippi.  I can only imagine the stories that chicken told during the trip.  “There I was, I say, there I was, son, up to my pinfeathers in Yankees. It was the second day at Shiloh, and we were running out of both mealworms and gunpowder….”
  • From the “Miracle Worker” Department – President Biden announced today that all adults in the United States will be vaccinated by May.  Additionally, all primary and secondary school teachers will be vaccinated by the end of March, which will allow schools to re-open just in time for the summer break.  I just can’t say how impressed I am with this.  I mean, there was no Covid-19 vaccine when the President took office just a few weeks ago, and already he is making it happen for all of the pharmaceutical companies and teacher’s unions.
  • From the “Wave of the Future” Department – A Kentucky firm plans to deploy two small space stations in the near future.  These will be used as for orbital manufacturing, taking advantage of the negligible gravity in orbit.  Representatives of the Kentucky bourbon industry are reported to be in talks to put a still in space so that bottles of suborbital hooch can finally reach the market.
  • From the “That Didn’t Take Long” Department – North Korea has reportedly restarted work at a remote, secret nuclear facility.  Addressing the country while seated in a high-backed leather chair and stroking a long-haired white cat, Kim Jong Un, leader of the isolated communist country and renowned connoisseur of fine Tazhik fermented camel milk whiskey, maintained that the facility is not related to nuclear development.  Rather, he asserted, it is a medical research compound, where the best minds North Korea can find are working to perfect a peasant that can thrive on 3 grains of rice a day.  President Biden is expected to comment on this after he arises from his latest nap.
  • From the “BDA” Department – The Air Force recently announced that last week’s air raid in Syria killed one militant and wounded two others.  In addition, the seven weapons used to make the rubble bounce in the war-torn country destroyed nine facilities and damaged another two.  It’s good to see that our defense dollars are being used so wisely.  1 enemy KIA and 2 WIA, along with the destruction of two goat barns, three mud huts, and four rusty shipping containers is certainly a good payoff for the money it cost to deploy a pair of strike fighters, their air and ground crews, then fuel and arm them for the mission.  The airstrike is reportedly in response to a rocket attack last month in Iraq, in which $32.50 worth of Iranian unguided munitions were used.
  • From the “Biggest Mouse I Ever Saw” Department – A kangaroo caused a ruckus in Alabama the other day when it escaped its handler and led police in a high-speed chase down the highway.  Local residents seem to be of different minds on the subject of the miscreant marsupial, who is still at large.  About half of those polled think it should be captured before it or anyone else gets hurt, while the other half thinks several of the creatures should be released so that there can be a draw hunt for their offspring in a couple of years.
  • From the “Suffering Cetaceans” Department – A seal was detained by police in Canada the other week after it crossed a highway and headed into the woods.  The seal was overheard by this reporter barking out that it only wanted to go to Tim Hortons for a coffee and a couple of crullers, and wanted to know if it was under arrest.

News Roundup

  • From the “Jackass in the Judiciary” Department – A man has filed a lawsuit against a baking company stating that because “Hawaiian rolls” are actually made in California, he deserves some measure of compensation.  The product was originally made in Hilo, but moved to the Polynesian paradise of Torrance at some point.  The makers of german chocolate cake mixes were unavailable for comment.
  • From the “Bed and Breakfast” Department – A home for sale in Vermont has the added perk of having several jail cells attached to it.  As a parent of children who rarely wanted to stay in bed after tuck-in time, I see this as a very desirable addition.
  • From the “Trawling for Trouble” Department – A man in Great Britain recently pulled 19 World War II grenades out of a river near Birmingham.  The gentleman continued to pull the devices out of the water one at a time, but only called the police after he noticed that two of them still had their pins in place.  Folks, you know I’m one of the first to say “That’s not the government’s job” for most things.  But, if you pull one grenade, with or without pin, out of a river, stop fishing.  Let the nice men from the bomb squad drag the bottom for anti-personnel devices.
  • From the “Urban Erection” Department – A gingerbread monolith, reminiscent of metal structures that have popped up in odd places around the world in recent months, was found in a park in San Francisco a few days ago.  Local authorities are looking for the person or persons who put the structure up, reportedly to fine them for lack of a permit, use of GMO flour and ginger, and the lack of signage on caloric, fat, and sugar content.
  • From the “Bad JooJoo” Department – Two people have been arrested in New York after deplaning using an aircraft’s emergency slide while it was taxiing for take-off.  One of the men took a Great Dane puppy along for the ride, which was probably a treat for the pooch.  Other travelers got the exquisite experience of trying to catch other flights to Atlanta from LaGuardia during holiday travel season.  Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like having an unscheduled layover in a New York airport.
  • From the “No Good Deed” Department – The Health and Human Services department has cancelled a proposed $14,000 fee that the FDA wanted from distillers who produced hand sanitizer at the beginning of the Covid-19 crisis.  The fee is normally assigned to companies that manufacture pharmaceutical products.  Anonymous sources tell this reporter tha the distillers’ association meeting about this issue included references to ‘revenuers’ and ‘shootin’ irons’.  In totally unrelated news, the FDA office in Point Barrow has announced an upcoming welcome party for several new members of its staff.

News Roundup

From the “That Didn’t Take Long” Department – Spain’s Prime Minister has announced that he sides with Germany in a disagreement over how the European countries should plan their mutual defense.  France has suggested that the Europeans should provide for their own safety, while Germany and other ‘allies’ believe that continued reliance on American NATO funding coordination was most economical important.  The Prime Minister went on to say that he hopes that now that the American election is over, the two sides of the Atlantic alliance can ‘reestablish a positive agenda’.  By this, of course, he hopes that the flow of American money and blood will return to pre-Trump administration levels, giving a positive upswing to the coffers of the various European governments who have been pressured to pay for their own defense since 2017.

From the “Butter, not Guns” Department – The European Union expects to be self-sufficient in the production of batteries for electric vehicles by 2025.  Sales of electric cars on the Continent are rising even as overall automobile sales slump.  It’s amazing how much can be done when you can rely on Poland and a few thousand American soldiers to keep Vladimir Putin from receiving deep-tissue foot rubs by Angela Merkel’s cute great-grandniece on the evening news without having to break the bank or get your own hands dirty.  No official word yet on other European energy plans, although this reporter has been advised that they include truckloads of money thrown into huge furnaces at former coal power plants.

From the “All Animals Are Equal” Department – China has announced that it has eradicated extreme poverty within its borders.  Their criteria included an average daily income of less than $1.52 a day and lack of access to basic services such as involuntary experimentation healthcare, constant monitoring over all public and private activities, and easy access to prison camps educational facilities.  The Communist government claims that it has elevated 93 million of its people out of poverty in the last decade.  In totally unrelated news, the government announced that its goal to provide 93 million inexpensive factory workers to the wealthy portions of its country has been achieved.  In addition, Beijing unveiled a new plan to provide cheap land to wealthy investors in recently discovered, unpopulated areas in the Chinese hinterlands.

From the “Adventures in Gardening” Department – A Massachusetts man recently got a bit of a surprise when he unearthed a mortar shell while digging in his yard.  Authorities were alerted, and the object was removed and destroyed safely.  No word on how it came to be buried on the man’s property, but he now has the best excuse known to mankind for not doing yard work.

News Roundup

From the “Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?” Department – A village in Japan has installed several large robotic wolves to help deal with a rash of bear incursions.  The animatronic wolves make noises and flash red from their eyes when something triggers their motion sensors.  No word yet on how many of the local people have soiled themselves after setting these devices off while taking a late evening stroll.

From the “Adventures in Parenting” Department – A school in France has asked parents to stop throwing their children over a locked gate and into the schoolyard when they arrive late to school.  Apparently, the teachers have been mistaking them for German paratroopers, which disrupts instruction as they tear down the tricolor and start waving their handkerchiefs.

From the “Cabin Fever” Department – A family in California has devoted their time in Covid-19 lockdown to creating a smaller version of the DisneyLand Matterhorn attraction.  They worked from March to July on the ride, which features 400 feet of track.  A crack team of Disney legal ninjas has already been dispatched to the scene, while Governor Newsom will be holding a press conference announcing a closure of the ride next week.

From the “Et Tu, Brute?” Department – A gold coin, minted to commemorate the assassination of Julius Caesar, sold at auction for $3.5 million.  No word yet on the amount that the commemorative coin for 2020 election shenanigans will go for.

News Roundup

  • From the “Civics 101” Department – Indiana lawmakers are considering a new requirement for high school graduation – a citizenship test. Several other states require students to pass a test on the United States government, and I like the new requirement. We didn’t have to pass such a test when I was in high school, but we did have to pass a general civics class.
  • From the “Dumbasses” Department – The TSA recently announced that it is confiscating, on average, twelve firearms at airport security checkpoints. Overall, TSA discovered 4,239 guns in 2018. Folks, your range bag is not your airport bag. We’re better than this. Pull your gun out of your bag and your head out of your fourth point of contact before going to get on the big silver birds.
  • From the “Houdini” Department – A toddler in Alabama recently discovered a secret passage into an arcade claw machine. This, of course, proves my belief that young children are masters of both destruction and teleportation. No word yet on how many quarters emergency personnel had to expend to get him out.

News Roundup

  • From the “Creative Writing” Department – A German journalist has run into a rough patch lately after it was discovered that he has a rather disturbing habit of making crap up. For instance, in an article in which he wrote about Fergus Falls, Minnesota, he only got the name of the town and its population right. Everything else in his reportage was as fanciful as Barack Obama’s resume. Apparently, the only way that I can find precious time to work on my fiction is to get a job as a professional reporter.
  • From the “Pretty Lights” Department – Denizens of the Bay Area were treated to a display of bright lights and smoke trails in their sky the other morning when a meteor plowed through the atmosphere above their city. While the usual panic over celestial events occurred, as is traditional, this reporter also heard many folks comment on how this was further proof of collusion between the Trump administration and alien forces beyond our ken.
  • From the “Own Two Feet” Department – The Trump administration has announced new rules that restrict the circumstances under which an able bodied adult with no dependants can receive SNAP benefits, commonly referred to as “Food Stamps”. While the program is normally used to help the elderly and families with children, almost four million able-bodied Americans with no dependants get their daily bread using the mandatory charitable contributions of the taxpayer. Almost three million of these do not work at all. The move is expected to save the taxpayer $15 billion over the next decade. The usual suspects are keening about the injustice of expecting able-bodied folks to provide for themselves. As for me, I just keep going into work every day and magically collecting money from my employer every few weeks.
  • From the “Pitchfork and Torch” Department – Scores of flights into and out of Gatwick Airport in Great Britain were either diverted or delayed after drones were spotted too close to the airfield. There are no reports yet of extra-legal defenestration of assbags with remote control helicopters, but I’m sure they’re in the works.
  • From the “Horse Race” Department – The Washington, D.C., city council has approved legal sports betting, which is expected to provide $92 million a year for the city. I look forward to seeing the handicappers’ reports on such things as how long a committee meeting will go before one of the Congresscritters asks an intelligent question, how much alcohol will be consumed during caucus meetings, and the specific shade of red Congressional leadership turns when told that they have to actually do some work every so often.
  • From the “Kimchi Kab” Department – South Korean taxi drivers are going on strike today to protest a new ride sharing service. Most impacted will be folks just trying to get back to post before curfew at Camp Red Cloud. Stand by for a blizzard of demotions and extra duty as bleary-eyed soldiers schlep their way home in the early morning light of the Land of the Morning Calm.
  • From the “Pernicious Poultry” Department – A British parrot has used its owner’s Alexa device to order treats such as ice cream and watermelon, as well as light bulbs and a kite. The bird has a previous record of using profanity in front of visitors, so it has something in common with your devoted writer. The parrot has been slapped with an Anti-Social Behavior citation and will have to do several hundred hours of community service at a government call center over the holidays. In unrelated news, efficiency and customer satisfaction with government call centers is expected to rise over the holidays.

News Roundup

  • From the “I’m Good, Thanks” Department – A distillery in New Hampshire has debuted a new whiskey flavored with “beaver secretions”.  Sophomoric humor about which intern got assigned to gather beaver secretions aside, I think I’ll pass.  I like my whiskey neat, not musky.  While major Kentucky distilleries have made no official comment, this reporter has observed an elderly gentleman at a local establishment push his hat back, cock his head to the side, and utter, “What in tarnation?” upon hearing about the new product.
  • From the “I Feel A Disturbance In The Force” Department – In related news, two trucks recently collided on an Arkansas highway, dumping several hundred bottles of Fireball cinnamon whiskey.  Officials report a mass gathering of mourning frat boys and party girls near the site.  A monument made up of forehead-crushed beer cans, discarded screwtop wine bottles, and empty gallon jugs of bad moonshine is being erected at the site.
  • From the “Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” Department – A family in Kansas is on the hook for $132,000 to replace a statue their child destroyed.  It appears that the little scamp knocked it over while giving it a hug.  Obviously, the person who set the thing up in the first place has never been around small children.  When my hellions were small, I had nothing within their reach, meaning less than 17 feet from the floor, that wasn’t made out of titanium, wrought iron, or rubber.  Even then, things got mangled in rather creative ways.  Ahh, the memories. So much rending of expensive materials, so much damage.
  • From the “Unintended Consequences” Department – A restaurant in China has had to close after an all-you-can-eat special caused it to go deep in debt.  It seems the management was offering the deal for $19 a month, and customers were loaning their cards out to family and friends.  So, basically, it’s Netflix for dim sum.  Anyway, I’m reminded of the Korean buffet in Killeen that had to change its lunch policies after a few weeks because the Army guys took “all you can eat” as a challenge.  Trust me, you don’t want a Korean grandmother to chase you out of her restaurant because you’ve been grazing for a couple of hours.

News Roundup

  • From the “Meet the New Boss” Department – Venezuelan strongman Nikolas Maduro easily won reelection this week, beating out soon-to-be State Prisoner 1271418.  Venezuelans flocked to the polls to cash in their chance to win the Maduro-Lotto, which is reported to provide enough money to buy an entire kilogram of both iguana meat and beaver cheese.  In his victory speech, El Jefe Grande remarked that henceforth, the month of May will be called Maduro, with a special Maduro Day holiday added to the traditional socialist May Day celebrations.  The holiday will be marked with a government provided buffet of whatever can be scraped off of the floor of long-emptied warehouses.
  • From the “Filthy Lucre” Department – British officials are looking into the influence of Russian investment in the UK as London tries to hold a hard line against a resurgent, aggressive Russia.  A government source, reporting from her summer dacha in Brighton, reported that no evidence of Russian interference had been found, but that she would personally get rid of any kulak that dared to bring it up.
  • From the “Bad Bird” Department – A restaurant in Perth, Australia, has started arming its patrons with water pistols in an effort to ward off the predations of seagulls.  While the strategy seems to show early promise, I suggest upping the game and charging customers for a chance to man a roof mounted water cannon.
  • From the “Code Inspector” Department – A Florida alligator recently visited a construction site and had a look around.  Witnesses reported that the reptile made a thorough assessment of the project and left instructions that the retaining wall footer needed to be redone.  He then took a long nap in the sun next to the porta-potty, followed by a long session of leaning on a shovel while he watched the rest of the crew pour concrete.

Attention to Orders

Sergeant Gary M. Rose distinguished himself by acts of gallantry and intrepidity while serving as a Special Forces Medic with a company-sized exploitation force, Special Operations Augmentation, Command and Control Central, 5th Special Forces Group (Airborne), 1st Special Forces, Republic of Vietnam.

Between 11 and 14 September 1970, Sergeant Rose’s company was continuously engaged by a well-armed and numerically superior hostile force deep in enemy-controlled territory. Enemy B-40 rockets and mortar rounds rained down while the adversary sprayed the area with small arms and machine gun fire, wounding many and forcing everyone to seek cover.

Sergeant Rose, braving the hail of bullets, sprinted fifty meters to a wounded soldier’s side. He then used his own body to protect the casualty from further injury while treating his wounds. After stabilizing the casualty, Sergeant Rose carried him through the bullet-ridden combat zone to protective cover.

As the enemy accelerated the attack, Sergeant Rose continuously exposed himself to intense fire as he fearlessly moved from casualty to casualty, administering life-saving aid.

A B-40 rocket impacted just meters from Sergeant Rose, knocking him from his feet and injuring his head, hand, and foot. Ignoring his wounds, Sergeant Rose struggled to his feet and continued to render aid to the other injured soldiers.

During an attempted medevac, Sergeant Rose again exposed himself to enemy fire as he attempted to hoist wounded personnel up to the hovering helicopter, which was unable to land due to unsuitable terrain.

The medevac mission was aborted due to intense enemy fire and the helicopter crashed a few miles away due to the enemy fire sustained during the attempted extraction.

Over the next two days, Sergeant Rose continued to expose himself to enemy fire in order to treat the wounded, estimated to be half of the company’s personnel. On September 14, during the company’s eventual helicopter extraction, the enemy launched a full-scale offensive.

Sergeant Rose, after loading wounded personnel on the first set of extraction helicopters, returned to the outer perimeter under enemy fire, carrying friendly casualties and moving wounded personnel to more secure positions until they could be evacuated. He then returned to the perimeter to help repel the enemy until the final extraction helicopter arrived. As the final helicopter was loaded, the enemy began to overrun the company’s position, and the helicopter’s Marine door gunner was shot in the neck.

Sergeant Rose instantly administered critical medical treatment onboard the helicopter, saving the Marine’s life. The helicopter carrying Sergeant Rose crashed several hundred meters from the extraction point, further injuring Sergeant Rose and the personnel on board.

Despite his numerous wounds from the past three days, Sergeant Rose continued to pull and carry unconscious and wounded personnel out of the burning wreckage and continued to administer aid to the wounded until another extraction helicopter arrived.

Sergeant Rose’s extraordinary heroism and selflessness above and beyond the call of duty were critical to saving numerous lives over that four-day time period. His actions are in keeping with the highest traditions of military service and reflect great credit upon himself, the 1st Special Forces, and the United States Army.

Insults and Refutations

The student government of Western Kentucky University recently passed a resolution calling for free tuition for students of African descent.  The real President of the University responded here, but I thought I’d put my own spin on it.

BOWLING GREEN, Ky. (KDDY)— Western Kentucky University Chancellor Daddy J. Bear has responded to a recent student government association resolution to support reparations for black students.

The resolution’s purpose was to establish full and free access to WKU for black students, and well as free tuition, and to acknowledge slavery is a “debt that will never be paid.”

Mister Bear  said in a statement released Thursday:

“Are you out of your ever-loving minds?  How in the bloody blue pluperfect <CENSORED> did you all get into this university? Get the head of Admissions in here, now!”

“Apparently the members of the Student Government aren’t being given enough homework, because they had the time to pass this drivel.  In order to head off the inevitable passing of similar wrongheaded ‘legislation,’ allow me to clarify that their resolution is is a waste of paper and electrons, which is probably a good way to describe their academic performance. I have read the SGA resolution, and I am ashamed that they have learned so little at the University that they would think that we would adopt any such policy.”

“I’ve spent much of the last year engaging in dialogue with black student leaders on campus, which has led to a greater understanding and appreciation of their experiences and priorities on my part, as I hope that they have learned that my priority is their education, not their feelings. I want to reiterate that our goal at the University is to prepare our students for entry into the job market as useful, thoughtful, and properly trained professionals, not as poorly-groomed dolts who think that a meaningless resolution passed after many speeches cribbed from the 23rd All-Soviet Veterinary Conference of 1952 will do a lick of good for race relations.”

“As we continue to try to educate those who think that such half-baked ideas are worth their time, we will focus on those things that help all students succeed:  scholarship, personal discipline, and challenging curriculum. We will direct resources, energy and effort toward those methods that are responsible, practical and proven to achieve student success, and continue to point and laugh at the Twitter activists, perpetually offended, and those who think that silly hats can change the world.”

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