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News Roundup

  • From the “Civics 101” Department – Indiana lawmakers are considering a new requirement for high school graduation – a citizenship test. Several other states require students to pass a test on the United States government, and I like the new requirement. We didn’t have to pass such a test when I was in high school, but we did have to pass a general civics class.
  • From the “Dumbasses” Department – The TSA recently announced that it is confiscating, on average, twelve firearms at airport security checkpoints. Overall, TSA discovered 4,239 guns in 2018. Folks, your range bag is not your airport bag. We’re better than this. Pull your gun out of your bag and your head out of your fourth point of contact before going to get on the big silver birds.
  • From the “Houdini” Department – A toddler in Alabama recently discovered a secret passage into an arcade claw machine. This, of course, proves my belief that young children are masters of both destruction and teleportation. No word yet on how many quarters emergency personnel had to expend to get him out.

News Roundup

  • From the “Creative Writing” Department – A German journalist has run into a rough patch lately after it was discovered that he has a rather disturbing habit of making crap up. For instance, in an article in which he wrote about Fergus Falls, Minnesota, he only got the name of the town and its population right. Everything else in his reportage was as fanciful as Barack Obama’s resume. Apparently, the only way that I can find precious time to work on my fiction is to get a job as a professional reporter.
  • From the “Pretty Lights” Department – Denizens of the Bay Area were treated to a display of bright lights and smoke trails in their sky the other morning when a meteor plowed through the atmosphere above their city. While the usual panic over celestial events occurred, as is traditional, this reporter also heard many folks comment on how this was further proof of collusion between the Trump administration and alien forces beyond our ken.
  • From the “Own Two Feet” Department – The Trump administration has announced new rules that restrict the circumstances under which an able bodied adult with no dependants can receive SNAP benefits, commonly referred to as “Food Stamps”. While the program is normally used to help the elderly and families with children, almost four million able-bodied Americans with no dependants get their daily bread using the mandatory charitable contributions of the taxpayer. Almost three million of these do not work at all. The move is expected to save the taxpayer $15 billion over the next decade. The usual suspects are keening about the injustice of expecting able-bodied folks to provide for themselves. As for me, I just keep going into work every day and magically collecting money from my employer every few weeks.
  • From the “Pitchfork and Torch” Department – Scores of flights into and out of Gatwick Airport in Great Britain were either diverted or delayed after drones were spotted too close to the airfield. There are no reports yet of extra-legal defenestration of assbags with remote control helicopters, but I’m sure they’re in the works.
  • From the “Horse Race” Department – The Washington, D.C., city council has approved legal sports betting, which is expected to provide $92 million a year for the city. I look forward to seeing the handicappers’ reports on such things as how long a committee meeting will go before one of the Congresscritters asks an intelligent question, how much alcohol will be consumed during caucus meetings, and the specific shade of red Congressional leadership turns when told that they have to actually do some work every so often.
  • From the “Kimchi Kab” Department – South Korean taxi drivers are going on strike today to protest a new ride sharing service. Most impacted will be folks just trying to get back to post before curfew at Camp Red Cloud. Stand by for a blizzard of demotions and extra duty as bleary-eyed soldiers schlep their way home in the early morning light of the Land of the Morning Calm.
  • From the “Pernicious Poultry” Department – A British parrot has used its owner’s Alexa device to order treats such as ice cream and watermelon, as well as light bulbs and a kite. The bird has a previous record of using profanity in front of visitors, so it has something in common with your devoted writer. The parrot has been slapped with an Anti-Social Behavior citation and will have to do several hundred hours of community service at a government call center over the holidays. In unrelated news, efficiency and customer satisfaction with government call centers is expected to rise over the holidays.

News Roundup

  • From the “I’m Good, Thanks” Department – A distillery in New Hampshire has debuted a new whiskey flavored with “beaver secretions”.  Sophomoric humor about which intern got assigned to gather beaver secretions aside, I think I’ll pass.  I like my whiskey neat, not musky.  While major Kentucky distilleries have made no official comment, this reporter has observed an elderly gentleman at a local establishment push his hat back, cock his head to the side, and utter, “What in tarnation?” upon hearing about the new product.
  • From the “I Feel A Disturbance In The Force” Department – In related news, two trucks recently collided on an Arkansas highway, dumping several hundred bottles of Fireball cinnamon whiskey.  Officials report a mass gathering of mourning frat boys and party girls near the site.  A monument made up of forehead-crushed beer cans, discarded screwtop wine bottles, and empty gallon jugs of bad moonshine is being erected at the site.
  • From the “Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” Department – A family in Kansas is on the hook for $132,000 to replace a statue their child destroyed.  It appears that the little scamp knocked it over while giving it a hug.  Obviously, the person who set the thing up in the first place has never been around small children.  When my hellions were small, I had nothing within their reach, meaning less than 17 feet from the floor, that wasn’t made out of titanium, wrought iron, or rubber.  Even then, things got mangled in rather creative ways.  Ahh, the memories. So much rending of expensive materials, so much damage.
  • From the “Unintended Consequences” Department – A restaurant in China has had to close after an all-you-can-eat special caused it to go deep in debt.  It seems the management was offering the deal for $19 a month, and customers were loaning their cards out to family and friends.  So, basically, it’s Netflix for dim sum.  Anyway, I’m reminded of the Korean buffet in Killeen that had to change its lunch policies after a few weeks because the Army guys took “all you can eat” as a challenge.  Trust me, you don’t want a Korean grandmother to chase you out of her restaurant because you’ve been grazing for a couple of hours.

News Roundup

  • From the “Meet the New Boss” Department – Venezuelan strongman Nikolas Maduro easily won reelection this week, beating out soon-to-be State Prisoner 1271418.  Venezuelans flocked to the polls to cash in their chance to win the Maduro-Lotto, which is reported to provide enough money to buy an entire kilogram of both iguana meat and beaver cheese.  In his victory speech, El Jefe Grande remarked that henceforth, the month of May will be called Maduro, with a special Maduro Day holiday added to the traditional socialist May Day celebrations.  The holiday will be marked with a government provided buffet of whatever can be scraped off of the floor of long-emptied warehouses.
  • From the “Filthy Lucre” Department – British officials are looking into the influence of Russian investment in the UK as London tries to hold a hard line against a resurgent, aggressive Russia.  A government source, reporting from her summer dacha in Brighton, reported that no evidence of Russian interference had been found, but that she would personally get rid of any kulak that dared to bring it up.
  • From the “Bad Bird” Department – A restaurant in Perth, Australia, has started arming its patrons with water pistols in an effort to ward off the predations of seagulls.  While the strategy seems to show early promise, I suggest upping the game and charging customers for a chance to man a roof mounted water cannon.
  • From the “Code Inspector” Department – A Florida alligator recently visited a construction site and had a look around.  Witnesses reported that the reptile made a thorough assessment of the project and left instructions that the retaining wall footer needed to be redone.  He then took a long nap in the sun next to the porta-potty, followed by a long session of leaning on a shovel while he watched the rest of the crew pour concrete.

Attention to Orders

Sergeant Gary M. Rose distinguished himself by acts of gallantry and intrepidity while serving as a Special Forces Medic with a company-sized exploitation force, Special Operations Augmentation, Command and Control Central, 5th Special Forces Group (Airborne), 1st Special Forces, Republic of Vietnam.

Between 11 and 14 September 1970, Sergeant Rose’s company was continuously engaged by a well-armed and numerically superior hostile force deep in enemy-controlled territory. Enemy B-40 rockets and mortar rounds rained down while the adversary sprayed the area with small arms and machine gun fire, wounding many and forcing everyone to seek cover.

Sergeant Rose, braving the hail of bullets, sprinted fifty meters to a wounded soldier’s side. He then used his own body to protect the casualty from further injury while treating his wounds. After stabilizing the casualty, Sergeant Rose carried him through the bullet-ridden combat zone to protective cover.

As the enemy accelerated the attack, Sergeant Rose continuously exposed himself to intense fire as he fearlessly moved from casualty to casualty, administering life-saving aid.

A B-40 rocket impacted just meters from Sergeant Rose, knocking him from his feet and injuring his head, hand, and foot. Ignoring his wounds, Sergeant Rose struggled to his feet and continued to render aid to the other injured soldiers.

During an attempted medevac, Sergeant Rose again exposed himself to enemy fire as he attempted to hoist wounded personnel up to the hovering helicopter, which was unable to land due to unsuitable terrain.

The medevac mission was aborted due to intense enemy fire and the helicopter crashed a few miles away due to the enemy fire sustained during the attempted extraction.

Over the next two days, Sergeant Rose continued to expose himself to enemy fire in order to treat the wounded, estimated to be half of the company’s personnel. On September 14, during the company’s eventual helicopter extraction, the enemy launched a full-scale offensive.

Sergeant Rose, after loading wounded personnel on the first set of extraction helicopters, returned to the outer perimeter under enemy fire, carrying friendly casualties and moving wounded personnel to more secure positions until they could be evacuated. He then returned to the perimeter to help repel the enemy until the final extraction helicopter arrived. As the final helicopter was loaded, the enemy began to overrun the company’s position, and the helicopter’s Marine door gunner was shot in the neck.

Sergeant Rose instantly administered critical medical treatment onboard the helicopter, saving the Marine’s life. The helicopter carrying Sergeant Rose crashed several hundred meters from the extraction point, further injuring Sergeant Rose and the personnel on board.

Despite his numerous wounds from the past three days, Sergeant Rose continued to pull and carry unconscious and wounded personnel out of the burning wreckage and continued to administer aid to the wounded until another extraction helicopter arrived.

Sergeant Rose’s extraordinary heroism and selflessness above and beyond the call of duty were critical to saving numerous lives over that four-day time period. His actions are in keeping with the highest traditions of military service and reflect great credit upon himself, the 1st Special Forces, and the United States Army.

Insults and Refutations

The student government of Western Kentucky University recently passed a resolution calling for free tuition for students of African descent.  The real President of the University responded here, but I thought I’d put my own spin on it.

BOWLING GREEN, Ky. (KDDY)— Western Kentucky University Chancellor Daddy J. Bear has responded to a recent student government association resolution to support reparations for black students.

The resolution’s purpose was to establish full and free access to WKU for black students, and well as free tuition, and to acknowledge slavery is a “debt that will never be paid.”

Mister Bear  said in a statement released Thursday:

“Are you out of your ever-loving minds?  How in the bloody blue pluperfect <CENSORED> did you all get into this university? Get the head of Admissions in here, now!”

“Apparently the members of the Student Government aren’t being given enough homework, because they had the time to pass this drivel.  In order to head off the inevitable passing of similar wrongheaded ‘legislation,’ allow me to clarify that their resolution is is a waste of paper and electrons, which is probably a good way to describe their academic performance. I have read the SGA resolution, and I am ashamed that they have learned so little at the University that they would think that we would adopt any such policy.”

“I’ve spent much of the last year engaging in dialogue with black student leaders on campus, which has led to a greater understanding and appreciation of their experiences and priorities on my part, as I hope that they have learned that my priority is their education, not their feelings. I want to reiterate that our goal at the University is to prepare our students for entry into the job market as useful, thoughtful, and properly trained professionals, not as poorly-groomed dolts who think that a meaningless resolution passed after many speeches cribbed from the 23rd All-Soviet Veterinary Conference of 1952 will do a lick of good for race relations.”

“As we continue to try to educate those who think that such half-baked ideas are worth their time, we will focus on those things that help all students succeed:  scholarship, personal discipline, and challenging curriculum. We will direct resources, energy and effort toward those methods that are responsible, practical and proven to achieve student success, and continue to point and laugh at the Twitter activists, perpetually offended, and those who think that silly hats can change the world.”

News Roundup

  • From the “Lupine Loping” Department – A woman in Canada was surprised when she was overtaken on the road by a pair of wolves out for a jog.  It’s good to see animal Olympians putting in the hours even during the off years.  This reminds me of the beginning of one of my favorite book series.  No word yet on whether authorities were able to identify the wolves or ticket them for speeding.
  • From the “Border Birthing” Department – A young woman from Arizona was able to make it back to the border when she went into labor while visiting Mexico.  Customs and Border Protection officers assisted her in the birth when the little bundle of joy decided to not wait for EMS.  According to unnamed sources, the Justice Department has declined to prosecute the mother for smuggling a human being across the border in her womb.
  • From the “First You Say It, Then You Do It” Department – Australian authorities are asking folks in Sydney to turn in any pieces of an airplane that lost its propeller so that they can piece together what happened to it.  This reporter has learned that the mechanic just assumed that Saab, the aircraft’s Swedish manufacturer, just included extra bolts along with the allen wrench in the box it came in.
  • From the “Bad Idea” Department – A Kentucky woman was arrested recently when she allegedly brought a needle and heroin into a Louisville courtroom.  One of the many side effects of illicit opiate use seems to be a lowering of I.Q.  I compliment the judge in this case for telling the young lady to get herself together or she would be looking at prison time.  From the other information in the report, I cannot imagine how she keeps her humanity intact seeing what washes through her courtroom day after day.

Are You Bloody Kidding Me?

Like most people who monitor the news, I was aghast at the attempted mass-murder at Ohio State University the other day. The incident seems to have involved a young man, who was born in Somalia, came here as a refugee, and was admitted to the university.  For one reason or another, he decided to run his car up onto a sidewalk, ramming into a group of students, then hopped out and attacked them with a large knife.

Luckily for everyone involved, a young police officer, who happened to be in the area, shot the attacker, limiting the damage he caused and probably saving lives.  Due to confusion in the first moments of the incident, this was reported as a ‘mass shooting’, and the usual suspects roused themselves to fling poo and squawk about the need for gun control in our nation.  I’m not going to comment on that.  They were playing to type, reacting on instinct and reflex, and better minds than mine have already beaten them back into their cells.

Then, this crossed my screen:


Now, I am not a Buckeye, so I won’t comment on whether or not the piece of ungrateful trash, who betrayed our hospitality by trying to murder as many of us as he could, deserves to be considered part of that particular tribe.  I will say that I have no compassion for his life, and I’m glad that it ended as quickly and brutally as it did.  My only regret is that he didn’t use the car and knife to kill himself and save us all the trouble.

That useless waste of of a broken condom was a refugee, meaning that at some time in his life we, as a people, decided that we cared enough about him to invite him into our home.  We sheltered him, fed him, clothed him, educated him, and allowed him to attend one of the more prestigious public universities in our nation.  In an interview that he gave earlier this year, he expressed anxiety about practicing his faith in public, but I can find no evidence that he was actually harassed for doing so.

In return, he decided that he wanted to murder us and used the tools he had at hand to do so.

Now, Ms. Thompson, who is an assistant director at the university, wants us to feel “compassion” for what the murdering son of a swineherd has gone through.  She wishes we would consider his “pain”.  To top it off, she ends her missive, which she seems to have wanted to remain private, with the hashtags for the Black Lives Matter movement and a hope that we will humanize the attacker by saying his name.

As for compassion, I hope it hurt.  I hope the policeman shot him center mass, so that he had to bleed out internally and feel every heartbeat.  I hope that time dilation stretched it out as much as possible in his mind, and I hope he had time to realize that he had failed in his mission.

I refuse to consider his pain in my judgement of him.  Instead, I will consider the pain of the people he harmed.  I will feel compassion for them and their families as they try to deal with the consequences of this choir boy’s crime.

As for BLM, and ‘saying his name’, I’ve got news for you:  If your political/social movement wants to claim this scum as one of your own, have at it.  I refuse to say his name and humanize him, because he resigned his membership in my species the moment he jumped that curb.

Instead, I will venerate the name of Alan Horujko, who ran to the sound of the screams and put this bastard down in the most effective manner I can think of.  Long after the murdering excrement who caused all this has rotted in his grave and is forgotten, he will still be rightly hailed as a hero.

There is a time for compassion and understanding.  There is also a time for tossing the trash in our society over the walls for the dogs to feast on.  I can’t tell anyone else how to feel, but as for me, I hope this ex-human tastes good to canine palates.

News Roundup

  • From the “Priorities” Department – The USDA is moving ahead with a pilot program to allow people on government assistance to use their SNAP benefits, commonly known as food stamps, to purchase food through on-line vendors who will deliver groceries to your door.  While this could alleviate the problem of poor people who do not have access to transportation and live further than is conveniently walked from a grocery store, this brings up a couple of question:  If you’re too poor to pay for your own groceries, how can you afford Internet access?  If you have the mobility to get somewhere with free Internet access such as a library or restaurant, don’t you have the mobility to get to a grocery store?
  • From the “Tech and Tackle” Department – The NFL is considering putting tracking chips in the footballs used in games.  The technology will be used to track the ball’s location in space, especially during point-after and field goal kicks.  No word yet on whether they will include a pressure gauge.
  • From the “Backups Save Lives” Department – A man, who has maintained his Blogger site for almost a decade and a half, recently found that all of this work, along with all of the information he kept in his gmail account, was gone.  It seems that Google shut him down for some unknown violation of their terms of service.  Attempts to find and fix the problem with Google have come to naught.  This is a reminder that when you use the “cloud” for anything, you’re using someone else’s computer and they can do pretty much anything they want with your work.  Backup your data, people.
  • From the “Parenting” Department – A Pennsylvania woman is in trouble after she allegedly used the trunk of her Corvette as a car seat for her children.  In related news, I was just reminded of the many times I was used to hold down the hatch on a 1974-ish Ford Pinto when my father needed to go to the lumber yard 30 miles away.
  • From the “Home Cooking” Department – A woman in Tennessee had to call the fire department recently due to a fire in her bathroom.  It seems that she had decided that a little barbecue would be good, so she set a fire in her fiberglass bathtub and tried to cook brisket over it.  Now, everyone knows that when you’re trying for that authentic barbecue flavor, you use porcelain-glazed cast iron, but it’s good to try new things every once in a while.  There is no information as to whether she used a tangy, mustard-based fire suppressant on her meat, or if she is of that heretical sweet ketchup sauce splinter faction.

Yet Again

Tonight, we can add Nice to a list of cities that includes Paris, London, Boston, and Madrid.

The people of Nice had gathered to celebrate their revolution, to remember the promise of Bastille Day.  Their peace, bought with centuries of toil and blood, was shattered by men who came not to celebrate, but to murder.  They did not target France’s military, nor her government.  They targeted her men and women, her children, her old people.  They targeted her soul.

The threat is leaving the big cities and branching out to the heartlands.  Nice is not Paris, nor is it Brussels.  It is only slightly larger than St. Louis in population.  In the United States, a city its size would probably not have security as would be expected in places such as Boston or Chicago.  The enemy is learning to strike where their targets are softest.  I fear that it is a lesson that will not be ignored here.

Yet again, innocent blood has been spilled at the hands of an evil growing in our world.

Yet again, we will hear the mealy-mouthed platitudes of the politicians and the pundits.

Yet again, they will tell us that we must not judge, that we must not blame others for these actions.

I have a different exhortation for the people of France, for all of the free world.  I hope that the call is taken up until the world rings with it, until its utterance strikes terror in the hearts of our enemies.

Aux armes, citoyens,
Formez vos bataillons,
Marchons, marchons!
Qu’un sang impur
Abreuve nos sillons!

To arms, citizens,
Form your battalions,
Let’s march, let’s march!
Let an impure blood
Soak our fields!


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