• From the “Cutbacks” Department – The city of Camden, New Jersey, is planning to dissolve its police department and pass the responsibility to enforce the law to a new organization in its county police department. The object of all this is to bring down costs by breaking up the unionized police force and moving to a non-union solution. Of course, the police union is screaming about public safety. It should be noted that Camden isn’t a small town that is laying off a couple of officers in favor of patrols by the county sheriff and his deputies. Camden is a city of almost 80,000 people, with a high crime rate, and a police force of 460 officers. About half of those are expected to be incorporated into the new department of the county police. Since New Jersey is one of those states that believes that a disarmed citizenry is a happy citizenry, self-help when some hooligan and his chums decide to redistribute the wealth they find in your living room at 3 AM is a tad more difficult. This one is still developing, and I’m sure there will be much rending of hair and gnashing of teeth in the press and courts over this. I am interested in seeing if this actually happens, what happens to crime rates if it does, and if the citizens of Camden finally have enough and start taking back their rights to self-defense and self-policing.
• From the “Only Ones” Department – The other day, a man in New York used a pistol to murder a former co-worker he blamed for his unemployment. NYPD responded, as can be expected. When the alleged assailant pointed his gun at them, they shot and killed him, as also can be expected. 16 shots were fired by two officers in the space of a few seconds. News reports are not saying how many hit the man, but 9 of them hit other people who were not the intended target. Fox is reporting that the officers were almost close enough to the man to shake his hand, which is point-blank range to me, and they still missed at least 9 times. Unless the majority of those 9 bullets that hit bystanders went through the guy they were targeting, I think NYPD needs to find a bit of money in the budget to get some of its patrolmen to the range. It’s just a matter of dumb luck that none of the injuries received from mis-directed police gunfire were fatal.
• From the “Prudent Step” Department – The Republican national convention is being delayed for a day or two so that authorities in Florida can concentrate on the effects of Hurricane Isaac, which is expected to blow through the area in a couple of days. In related news, the Democratic convention in Charlestown is being delayed a day or two so that Vice-President Biden can blow through town and not do further damage to his party by speaking on national television.
• From the “Child Labor” Department – A recent study of 1000 American families found that 61% give a weekly allowance to their children and that the average allowance is $65 a week month per child. Personally, I’m shocked. My personal allowance for incidentals and entertainment is less than that, and I have a job. Girlie Bear and Little Bear each get $20 a month, but they both do chores. The only extra money they get is for baby-sitting Boo, and that’s not very often. What exactly are these kids doing with $65 a week month? This just might explain Katie Perry and Justin Bieber along with the long lines of pubescent twerps ordering sugary milk drinks with a dollop of coffee in them when I’m trying to get my morning caffeine fix.

• From the “Luck Favors the Prepared” Department – A man in Scotland is recovering after being accidentally shot with bird shot during a hunting accident.  Reports are that his injuries were serious but not life threatening, and his thick glasses saved his eyesight.  If you needed even more convincing that wearing proper safety equipment was necessary, here you go.
• From the “When It’s Time to Relax” Department – A shipment of beer, 21 tons worth as a matter of fact, was destroyed recently when the truck carrying it got into an accident and spilled its load.  This atrocity was caused by the driver of another vehicle who lost control of his vehicle, and I hope he’s happy with himself.  Those baby beers never had a chance to reach their full hoppy goodness.  In memory of those beers who died before their time, tonight, I will be imbibing in one of their cousins.  Go in peace, little pilseners, for you shall be remembered.
• From the “Curbstomp” Department – An Illinois man is in critical condition and is being aided in breathing with a machine after a crowd of people who witnessed his alleged shooting of another man laid a beating on him that will long be remembered.  I’m not advocating vigilantism here, but… Well, yeah, maybe I’m advocating vigilantism a tad when I say that if more punks who shot up their neighborhoods were beaten by their neighbors, maybe there would actually be a deterrent from being a punk who shoots up his neighborhood.  Maybe they don’t need as severe a beatdown as this young man got, but the prospect of getting kneecapped with an old man’s cane might be a better deterrent than possibly spending a couple of years in the prison with your school chums.
• From the “I Don’t Want to Know” Department – A Georgia man is under arrest after being found drunk and semi-nude in a room where two research monkeys were running amok.  No word yet on exactly what the man was up to, but to be honest, that’s a piece of information I don’t need.
• From the “Facepalm” Department – Police in Sweden are searching for a vicious dog that terrorized a neighborhood.  Was the dog one of those breeds whose very existence makes strong men shake in their boots?  Nope, it was a chihuahua.  That’s right, friends and neighbors, a neighborhood was held hostage by the viciousness of a dog that shakes when it sits still.  To my Swedish friends who are recovering from this traumatic experience, I have these kind words to offer:  Guys, what in the name of Freya’s braided armpit hair is wrong with you?  Our ancestors were a scourge upon mankind.  Their reign of terror stretched from Scandinavia to the Bosphorus.  They must be laughing their butts off in Valhalla over you not being willing to placekick a rowdy purse rat with a bad attitude.  Y’all, please show a little intestinal fortitude the next time this fuzzy terror shows its face, or I’m going to have to take back your Viking credentials.
• From the “Headdesk” Department – Congressman Todd Akin of Missouri recently demonstrated his skill at putting his Florscheims into his upper gastro-intestinal tract when he claimed that a “legitimate rape” could not lead to pregnancy, thereby justifying his position against abortions, even for victims of rape.  The candidate for one of the Senate seats from Missouri, which is currently held by a Democrat, has apologized publicly for his words, but refuses to drop out of the race in place of someone with a better shot at winning.  In related news, several organizations that support Republican candidates have announced that they will have extra money to spend elsewhere, since spending money to get this genius elected would be like spitting on a fish.
• From the “Stupidity Knows No Party” Department – A Minnesota lawmaker is resisting calls for him to drop his reelection race after being caught having sex with a 17-year-old boy at a rest area.  Apparently no criminal charges are pending, but my guess is he’s not going to be welcome at the state Democratic potlucks anymore.  Nothing says “Hey, I’m a dumbass!” like being caught out in risky, sleazy sexual behavior during a relatively sure-thing re-election bid in a year where your party is trying to retake the legislature.

• From the ‘I Wish I Were  An Oscar Meyer Vibrator” Department – The Trojan condom company is giving away free samples of its personal vibrating toys at what appear to be hot dog carts in New York city.  The company plans to give away 10,000 of its products in the publicity campaign.  I hope they have at least some signage that differentiates it from a food vendor, because when you’re hungry for a bratwurst, being handed a vibrator just isn’t going to cut the mustard, and if you’re looking for a free sex toy, being handed a hot dog is going to be disappointing.  In related news, the makers of Astroglide plan to replace all of the hand sanitizer dispensers in Times Square with machines that will give out a sample of their product.  
• From the “Man of Steel Reserve” Department – A Norwegian man was arrested recently after stumbling around a town dressed in a Superman costume.  No word on what the Son of Krypton was drinking, but it had to be some pretty strong stuff.  I think I’ll start working a new green cocktail called “Kryptonite Koolaid” which will feature a lot of pure grain and absynthe.
• From the “Wabbit Season” Department – A town in Connecticut has picked a fight with a young girl and her family over her pet rabbit.  The city maintains that the enforcement of a minimum acreage requirement for keeping rabbits is an effort to get the girl’s father to clean up his property.  The father says that it’s emotional blackmail, but he is willing to fix the things his neighbors are complaining about.  The young girl just wants to keep her pet.  In related news, a large sack of coal has been sent from the North Pole to the city hall of North Haven.
• From the “Leniency” Department – A Fort Campbell soldier, who went AWOL from his unit and travelled to Fort Hood to kill other soldiers in an act of terrorism, has been convicted and sentenced to life in prison.  This poster boy for birth control decided he couldn’t reconcile his Islamic faith with military duty, applied for conscientious objector status, got caught with child pornography, deserted his unit, and plotted to blow up a restaurant with a military clientele.  For that, he gets a bed, protection from the elements, all the education he chooses to enjoy, and three meals a day for the rest of his life.  Call me crazy, but I think he’s getting off light. If President Bush had had the guts to get a declaration of war in 2001, this piece of filth would be dancing at the end of a rope for desertion in time of war.

The lawyers for the piece of filth that shot up the theater in Aurora, Colorado, in July have stated that they believe that their client is mentally ill and that they need more time to assess just how bat-crap crazy he is.

Really, Captain Obvious?  You’re just now figuring out that a person who believes he’s the Joker from Batman, rigs his apartment to blow up like the Hindenberg when someone opens the door, puts on head to toe ballistic protection, and shoots a crowd of non-threatening, disarmed people might be mentally ill?  You know, a few more statements like that and you’ll be giving your client grounds for appeal because he wasn’t represented by competent counsel.

Of course he’s crazy.  Sane people do not do what he did.  In fact, I don’t think I’ll get much argument when I say this:  sane people do not kill other human beings for the fun of it or to get attention.  The questions on my mind are these:  First, did he know what he was doing was wrong, meaning did he have the mental capacity to choose not to do it, but did it anyway? Second, assuming an affirmative answer to the first question, what refreshments will they be selling at the execution and will it be held in a smoke-free venue?

If this waste of ATP is truly mad, and didn’t know what he was doing at the time of his crime was wrong, then I want to know how he got so far.  Was he on medication and then make the conscious decision to stop taking them, knowing full well that he might be dangerous without them?  If so, then may I be the first to chip in a few dollars toward the lumber for the gallows?

If he has been psychotic for years, and even the most rigorous pharmacological and psychiatric care didn’t keep him from murdering, then I have to ask why he was walking the streets?  Every state in the Union has legal procedures for doctors, families, and civic authorities to convince a judge that someone is just too insane to allow to walk the streets, and then they put him somewhere where he can get treatment and not hurt anyone, including himself.  In that event, the physicians who have been treating him should either be up on charges, have their licenses revoked, or both. If they knew he was dangerous, why didn’t they take steps to protect society from him and him from himself?

There’s really no good answer here, and to be honest, it’s all Monday morning quarterbacking.  He did what he did, and no amount of treatment or civil retribution is going to bring back the dead, heal the wounded, and mend the families he destroyed.  But there is some value in outrage here, and I hope that I’m not alone in mine.

• From the “Thuggery” Department – The Justice Department announced today that Gibson Guitars would be allowed to pay a $300,000 bribe, I mean, fine, plus a $50,000 kicker to a conservation fund, to make the investigation into whether or not it preferred to have American workers finish the wood in some of its guitar pieces disappear.  Justice Department spokesman Carmine “Knuckles” Maldorone is reported to have said about the deal “We told Gibson they had a nice place, and that we would hate for someone to shut them down.  Eventually we were able to come to a mutually beneficial agreement.  They give us the money and admit that they could have done more to make sure that American craftsmen didn’t get the jobs, and we agree to stop leaning on them so hard.”  No word yet on the location of the youngest daughter of the head of Gibson Guitars, who is making wonderful progress in rehab after suffering two broken kneecaps in a lawn gnome accident.
• From the “Burn in Hell” Department – The print and broadcast media is positively frothing at the wonderful (to them) news that the alleged gunman who murdered six people at a Sikh temple in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, was formerly a member of the United States Army and a skinhead.  Of course, they aren’t talking much about how the moron was a piece of crap who got booted after being busted from Sergeant to Specialist for being drunk on duty, and that he’s gone from one dead-end to another for the past 14 years, and that skinhead pieces of crap aren’t welcome in the Army, but that’s to be expected.  I’m sure that the next two weeks will be filled with all of the breathless reporting that they can take about this domestic terrorist who learned to kill on the taxpayer’s dime and whose head was filled with all that hate by the evil military machine.  Of course, at the same time, Nidal Hasan will be sitting in a jail cell awaiting trial for an act of workplace violence and reporting about how political correctness kept him in the Army and in contact with his victims for several years will be thin on the ground.
• From the “You First” Department – Secretary of State Clinton is telling Kenya that their next election needs to be clean and fair.  I’m pretty sure Mrs. Clinton knows clean and fair elections the same way the Supreme Court knows pornography:  She can’t define it, but she’ll know it when she sees it.  You ever notice you never hear about a Libertarian or even a Republican machine?  Why is it that when you say “Boston” or “Chicago” politics, it always means dirty politics from a Democratic machine?  Anyway, I hope that the Kenyans look beyond the track record of Mrs. Clinton and half-Kenyan Barack Obama and do have good elections.  Someone in this world ought to.
• From the “Bad Idea” Department – Ladies, if you have overcome bulimia, it is not a good idea to shove a butter knife into your gullet to prove you don’t have a gag reflex.  Hopefully, this is the lesson learned from the experience of a woman in Atlanta, who did just that and required surgery to remove the flatware.  I looked at this as a case of bad luck when I first read the article, but when her husband admitted that this isn’t her first time down this particular road, I just have to assume that she’s not very bright and move on.
• From the “Pissing Contest” Department – Apple Computers is reported to be pulling the built-in YouTube app that has been on its iPhone line since the first model several years ago.  Apple and Google have been sniping at each other since Google came out with a competing operating system for tablets and smart phones.  Now that the YouTube app is being taken off of the default build for iOS systems, one wonders what will happen to the lucrative baby animal, drunken teenager, and moron on a skateboard video markets.

• From the “Spitting on a Fish” Department – Kofi Annan has decided to resign from the U.N. effort to bring peace to Syria.  Apparently he came to the realization that you cannot bring peace between people who desperately want to watch the other one swing from a lamp-post.  Hopefully the U.N. will leave well enough alone, let the strongest survive, and get on with their semi-annual “Dictators of December” Holiday Special, which will be broadcast by Ted Turner on all of his cable television stations on March 27.
• From the “River in Egypt” Department – Former Senator Larry Craig, who has made using the restroom at the Minneapolis airport a strange experience for thousands of men, is contesting an FEC claim that he illegally used campaign funds to pay legal fees after his arrest for soliciting sex at the airport.  His logic is that since he did what he did while he was travelling to Washington to attend the Senate, the legal costs to defend his actions were reimbursable.  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Larry Craig was tapping to the oldies on our time.  Apparently his wide stance is only rivaled by his wide definition of “the people’s business”.
• From the “Skynet” Department – Our future robot masters are taking their first aerial baby steps at NAS Patuxent River.  Engineers there are trying to figure out how to program an X-47B unmanned aerial vehicle how to take off and land on an aircraft carrier without human intervention.  I assume that success criteria include being able to buzz the tower in even the worst of weather conditions.  I for one welcome our new mechanical overlords.
• From the “Get to the Chopper!” Department – Arnold Schwarzenegger, former governor of California, actor, and body builder, has donated $20 million dollars to create a think tank at the University of Spoiled Children that will be devoted to problems with government, the environment, and other policy issues.  Basically, he’s paying to have a group of smart people come together to talk about all the problems that he either caused or exacerbated during his tenure in Sacramento. Apparently, Mr. Schwarzenegger will also be teaching a class as a full professor at the university, so you freshman PoliSci majors have that going for you.  As for those of you who have devoted your lives to teaching and hope someday to be awarded a professorship, good luck with that, unless of course, you have $20 million lying around to grease the skids a bit.
• From the “Dim Sum” Department – A group of Chinese tourists escaped getting into trouble for luring a mother bear and her cubs closer to their van with meat by leaving the country before the authorities could catch up with them.  This one gets the DaddyBear Dumbass of the Day award.  Nothing beats those vacation shots of Uncle Lu having his stump bandaged up after he thought he had run out of meat for the bear, until the bear disagreed and pointed out that Uncle Lu was made of meat.
• From the “Symbolic” Department – The mayor of London got stuck recently when he was trying out a zip line ride at the Olympics.  Ironically, a massive government response was unnecessary to save him, as an old lady who remembered the Blitz was in the crowd, and convinced the nanny-state supporter that he could get himself down or at least keep a stiff upper lip and not cry like a baby until the fire brigade arrived.  No word yet on how the mayor actually got down, as British first responders are known to stand by and watch instead of intervene when they encounter a situation they are not certified for, and I cannot imagine they were trained to get Socialists off of high wires.