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Irish Woman Word for the Day

Gun Hickie – The bruise you can get on your shoulder the day after a good, long day at the range.


Yesterday, I reviewed the new movie, Dunkirk.  Reader mrgarabaldi pointed out that there has been a kerfuffle due to the relative lack of non-white and/or female characters.  Well, I’ve done a bit of digging, and found out that Mr. Nolan had to cut out a lot of content to make the movie fit into his allotted length.

I have spent zero time literally hours combing through this additional content, and I am happy to report that if you see the super-duper expanded director’s second-cousin’s cut, you will get to see the following characters who aren’t white or male:

Warning, major spoilers ahead!

  • If you’re looking for African-American characters, have no fear.  Nolan used black actors for all of the German aircrews.  The bomber crews, of course, were female.
  • The u-boat captain, whose deleted scenes run to almost three hours, is a woman of south Asian and Filipino heritage.  You’ll know her by the black swastika embedded in her ruby nose ring.
  • Her first mate may look like he just ran naked through a bleach factory, but rest assured that he is Russian of Tatar extraction.  You can tell by looking closely at his eyes while he’s peering through the periscope.
  • The crew of the Swedish battleship includes your standard blonde, pasty-white Scandinavians, but Nolan added a bridge crew that includes Syrians, Libyans, Somalis, and a couple Japanese observers.  Japanese count as people of color, don’t they?
  • Unfortunately, due to contractual disputes, Samuel L. Jackson’s portrayal of the commander of the H.M.S. Mother****** was cut out of the finished product.  Thankfully, a battle royale that included agents, lawyers, SAG enforcers, and several rabid dogs has brought about an agreement that will bring his performance to the extra-special BlueRay release just in time for Christmas.

No matter how much we prize historical accuracy about the bravery of our forefathers, there’s no reason we can’t check all the correct demographic blocks in our entertainment.

What a time to be alive.


Overheard in the Kitchen

Irish Woman – It’s a wonder your people ever progressed at all.

Me – Oh, yeah?  Well, it took all of the potatoes dying to get your people off their island!

Irish Woman –  Oh, yeah?  Well, what got your people moving?

Me, turning on my smoldering gaze and dropping my voice into a sultry whisper – Irish women. <wink>

Her, pointing to door – Get out of my kitchen.

Quote of the Day

“Honey, do you hear thunder, or is it just me?” — Sextus Aemilius Nero, Pompei, AD 79

The Voter and the Politician

The Voter, dressed from head to toe in black, crept up the Cliffs of Despair.  He had been making good progress for a while, but the evil Puppet Master had cut the rope, hoping to dump him down onto the Rocks of Disillusionment.  Luckily, the Voter had been able to grab onto the Cliffs’ craggy surface, and had labored ever since to reach the top and the ballot box waiting for him there.

The Puppet Master had gathered up two of his minions, the first a manlike creature with oddly colored orange skin and small hands, and the other a woman with a grating voice and a look as if someone had shoved something disgusting under her nose, and made for the hills beyond the cliffs.  He left behind the Politician, whom he was glad to be shut of.  He muttered under his breath about people with scruples as he raced to catch up with his toadies.

The Politician practiced a few of his favorite rhetorical flourishes as he waited, first parrying a criticism this way, then thrusting out a well-briefed opinion that way.  Finally, he peeked over the side of the cliff, seeing the Voter climbing over a particularly steep outcropping.

“I don’t suppose there is any way you could vote for me, is there?” the Politician called down. “I’d like to know how you plan to vote.”

The Voter looked up in disdain.  “Look, this isn’t particularly easy, so I’d appreciate it if you could either be quiet or do something useful, like throwing down a rope.”

The Politician looked around and saw the length of rope the Puppet Master had left behind.

“I could get you free stuff!” he exclaimed excitedly. “Let you stare at your navel in college for a few more years!  I could shut down the border if that’s what you want?”

“And I’m supposed to believe you?” the Voter retorted, pulling himself up onto a narrow ledge.  “No, I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait until after the election to see how I vote.”

“I could swear on my honor as a Politician that I would follow through,” the Politician suggested.

“No good!” the Voter said with a grunt.  He was pulling himself up onto a rock only a few feet from the top.  “I’ve known too many politicians.”

The Politician considered that for a moment, then got a somber look on his face.

“I swear that if you vote for me, I will rescind each and every executive order issued since 2008,” he said, his powerful, earnest voice carrying on the wind.

The Voter, who had just poked his head above the top of the cliff and was hoisting himself up, looked up at him.  With a smile, he said gently, “Give me my ballot.”

Thoughts on Coffee

  • I recently heard someone talking about wanting the government to regulate or outlaw caffeine, because drugs.
    • We all know how well alcohol prohibition worked, and that was for something that most people used to relax and have a good time in their off hours.  Can you imagine what it would look like if Uncle Sugar decided to outlaw something a lot of people use to get going and accomplish something?
    • You can make alcohol from pretty much anything that has carbohydrates.  For reference, look up moonshining, home beer and wine making, and bathtub gin.
    • You have to import coffee into most of the United States.  The Mexican drug cartels will pale in comparison to the hardbitten heroes who will smuggle in the finest beans for this nation.


First they came for the drinkers and I said nothing because I didn’t drink.  Well, not much, anyway.

Then they came for the gamblers, and I said nothing because I hate casinos.

Then they came for the smokers, and I said nothing because I don’t like the smell of cigarettes.

Then they came for my coffee, and here I sit atop a pyramid of severed heads.


I arrived at our campsite this weekend to find that I had not only forgotten my coffee cup, but also had no styrofoam cups from which to drink the black blood of my enemies.  Luckily for me, I had my old canteen cup in the truck (don’t ask).  I was then able to boil the water, mix the coffee, and sip it in a most outdoorsy fashion.  Only got a few weird looks from the neighbors.


It is good that I have a coffee pot that I can prepare in the evening so that it can start brewing at 5:30 AM, for there are few things I can do with accuracy while looking at the world through one blood-shot eye.


Look, don’t touch my guns, my woman, my money, or my coffee, and we’ll be fine, OK?




Here are a few phrases that I think need better definition:


Catholic KP – Working in the kitchen during a Lenten fish fry, or volunteering to work in the lunch room at your son’s Catholic school.

Catholic Kosher – Going to a Lenten fish fry when you are really craving a rare steak.

Self Control – 1. Not strangling your co-worker for sitting in their cube and chewing with their mouth open for an hour each day starting at 1:13.  2.  Not strangling your co-worker when you learn that they made a significant error in a work request that will require you to have to ask your boss to talk to his boss so that you can fix it, on the last work day before you implement.

Stroke of Genius – That moment at your desk when you forget the awesome idea you had for a story while you were driving this morning.

Traffic – The phenomenon whereby I lose all my stored-up stress by screaming at other drivers, while getting all new stress to replace it.

Personal Fitness Plan – The lie I tell myself every morning when I walk up a flight of steps to get more ‘exercise’.

Canoodle – That thing the governor of New Jersey does to Democrats, be they from Chicago or Manhattan.



The Five Stages of Project Management

Stage 1 – Denial

  • No way!!!!

Stage 2 – Anger

  • You have to be kidding me!

Step 3 – Bargaining

  • What if we promised to do all eight hours worth of work in two hours without an outage?

Step 4 – Depression

  • I can’t believe this.  We could have had another baby in the time it’s taken to get this close to implementing and at the last minute, we’re stopped.

Step 5 – Acceptance

  • It’s not personal, it’s business.  The work will get done someday, I’m sure.  Guess I’ll start planning another effort while we wait.

Not as Young As I Used To Be

Boo had cross country practice tonight, and I thought I’d get a little exercise.  I walked the first mile lap and felt pretty good, then got to the half-mile point on the second lap and decided to see if I could run the rest.

Yeah, not a good idea.

So, in tribute to all of the middle-aged dads who decide to see if they can keep up with the 1st grade through 8th grade crowd, let’s all sing along.

Heavy-drop daddy running down the trail.
He’s getting passed by a snail.
If my lace should come untied,
I’m gonna lay right down and die.
Sweat is running down my face.
Why am I moving at this pace?
If my knee, it should give,
I will lose the will to live.
Passed by a woman with a pony tail
Why am I working so hard to fail?

Ah, gimme some, gimme some,
Oxygen, oxygen!


  • Temptation – The feeling you get when you go to a sporting goods store and they have a Mauser 98K, a MAS rifle, and a 1965 Winchester Model 94 in excellent condition.
  • Respect – When you decide that you should consult with your spouse before spending hundreds of dollars on what is, to her, a frivolous item.
  • Elation – When she looks at you and says “Sure.  Go ahead.”
  • Disappointment – When you get back to the store, the Mauser is gone, somebody else has picked up the MAS, and the Model 94, which has beautiful furniture and a case hardened receiver, is not $400 like you thought.  It is $800.
  • Intelligence – When you don’t immediately whip your phone out and move the overage over from savings.
  • Hope – The feeling you have when you notice the store offers layaway.
  • Self-Control – When the nice man at the register says that if you get the store credit card, you can take the rifle home that day, yet you still put the gun on layaway.
  • Stupidity – When you are describing the gun to your wife, and you say “It’s an antique.  Heck, it’s older than you.”
  • Forgiveness – When she doesn’t kill you with her brain right then and there.
  • Patience – Waiting 60 days to get your new gun out of the store’s vault.
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