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Today’s Earworm

With apologies to the Beach Boys and the non-geeks out there.

The hardware was made by HP
The OS, by Torvolds and me
Old SourceForge, we did comb
Patching all night
It wouldn’t boot right
Well, I need some coffee
I wanna go $HOME

So, boot up the VMS box
See how the kernel rocks
Call for the NOC to test
Let me go home, SYS$HOME
Where’d I leave my coffee?
I wanna go $HOME

The DBA, he got drunk
Deleted data using trunc
Data Protection had to restore it all from tape
By the eyes of Torvalds,
Why is this subnet firewalled?
Oh, no.
Have you seen my coffee?
I wanna go  $HOME

So, boot up the Solaris box
See how the kernel rocks
Call for the NOC to test
Let me go home,SYS$HOME
Who poured out my coffee?
I wanna go $HOME

The Windows box, it caught a worm
Wouldn’t answer to PowerTerm
Then the AIX, it came crashing down
Let me go $HOME
Why can’t I get to SYS$HOME?
Oh, this is the worst shift, I’ve ever been on.

So, boot up the HP box
See how the kernel rocks
Call for the NOC to test
Let me go home, SYS$HOME
Well, we’re out of coffee
I wanna go $HOME

Olympic Origins

Like a lot of folks, I’ve been watching the Winter Olympics a lot lately.  OK, more than a lot.  As I’ve enjoyed the different events, I’ve wondered how they came to be, and I thought I’d share my research with y’all.

  • Cross-Country Skiing – Wow, it’s really snowy, and I’ve got to get over there as quickly as possible.
  • Biathlon – Wow, it’s really snowy, and there’s a bunch of people over there that need to be shot.
  • Downhill Skiing – I’m at the top of the mountain, and I really need to be at the bottom of the mountain in a few minutes.
  • Slalom – Trees!  Trees!  Trees on the mountain!
  • Ski Jump – Two Norwegians, a mountain, and a keg of beer all contributed to the inception of this activity, I just know it.
  • Snowboarding – Well, there’s too much snow for skateboarding.  What’re we gonna do now, dude?
  • Speed Skating – Well, the lake’s frozen, and I really need to be over there then get back here as quickly as possible.
  • Short Track Speed Skating – Go fast, lean left.
  • Short Track Relay – Go fast, lean left, push on my butt so I can go faster!
  • Figure Skating – I feel pretty, oh so pretty!
  • Ice Dancing – All the funny clothes of figure skating, without all the grace and jumps
  • Bobsled – We’ve got a sled, a steep hill, gravity, and a lot of ice.  Punch it!
  • Luge – Bobsled? Wimps.
  • Skeleton – Pffft!
  • Curling – I really have no idea how this got into the Olympics, but I’m glad it did.  I never realized how hypnotizing this game was when I was little and curling was what people who were too old for hockey did on a Friday night.
  • Hockey – Soccer pitch is frozen over.  Well, might as well make the best of it.

Interplanetary Playlist

After the successful launch of the SpaceX heavy rocket yesterday, we all watched as a red Tesla Roadster convertible, complete with a spacesuit in the driver’s seat headed out toward Mars and the asteroid belt.  As OldNFO reported, the car is playing music to the stars.

So, of course, I’m wondering what music Elon Musk and his intrepid crew programmed into their monument to “Hold my beer and watch this”.  Here are a few suggestions:

First, of course, we have some David Bowie, although it’s not the song they chose for the launch.

Then, we have some Peter Schilling.

And who can do a space-based playlist without Sir Elton John?

Of course, we will need Valentine Michael Smith’s favorite song.

We’ll need some encouragement for anyone who travels out beyond the Roadster’s orbit.

And finally, just in case there are any visitors who might have hostile intentions toward our little blue planet, we need to have something that’ll let them know who they’re messing with.

Have suggestions for the playlist?  Leave them in comments!

Irish Woman Word for the Day

Gun Hickie – The bruise you can get on your shoulder the day after a good, long day at the range.


Yesterday, I reviewed the new movie, Dunkirk.  Reader mrgarabaldi pointed out that there has been a kerfuffle due to the relative lack of non-white and/or female characters.  Well, I’ve done a bit of digging, and found out that Mr. Nolan had to cut out a lot of content to make the movie fit into his allotted length.

I have spent zero time literally hours combing through this additional content, and I am happy to report that if you see the super-duper expanded director’s second-cousin’s cut, you will get to see the following characters who aren’t white or male:

Warning, major spoilers ahead!

  • If you’re looking for African-American characters, have no fear.  Nolan used black actors for all of the German aircrews.  The bomber crews, of course, were female.
  • The u-boat captain, whose deleted scenes run to almost three hours, is a woman of south Asian and Filipino heritage.  You’ll know her by the black swastika embedded in her ruby nose ring.
  • Her first mate may look like he just ran naked through a bleach factory, but rest assured that he is Russian of Tatar extraction.  You can tell by looking closely at his eyes while he’s peering through the periscope.
  • The crew of the Swedish battleship includes your standard blonde, pasty-white Scandinavians, but Nolan added a bridge crew that includes Syrians, Libyans, Somalis, and a couple Japanese observers.  Japanese count as people of color, don’t they?
  • Unfortunately, due to contractual disputes, Samuel L. Jackson’s portrayal of the commander of the H.M.S. Mother****** was cut out of the finished product.  Thankfully, a battle royale that included agents, lawyers, SAG enforcers, and several rabid dogs has brought about an agreement that will bring his performance to the extra-special BlueRay release just in time for Christmas.

No matter how much we prize historical accuracy about the bravery of our forefathers, there’s no reason we can’t check all the correct demographic blocks in our entertainment.

What a time to be alive.


Overheard in the Kitchen

Irish Woman – It’s a wonder your people ever progressed at all.

Me – Oh, yeah?  Well, it took all of the potatoes dying to get your people off their island!

Irish Woman –  Oh, yeah?  Well, what got your people moving?

Me, turning on my smoldering gaze and dropping my voice into a sultry whisper – Irish women. <wink>

Her, pointing to door – Get out of my kitchen.

Quote of the Day

“Honey, do you hear thunder, or is it just me?” — Sextus Aemilius Nero, Pompei, AD 79

The Voter and the Politician

The Voter, dressed from head to toe in black, crept up the Cliffs of Despair.  He had been making good progress for a while, but the evil Puppet Master had cut the rope, hoping to dump him down onto the Rocks of Disillusionment.  Luckily, the Voter had been able to grab onto the Cliffs’ craggy surface, and had labored ever since to reach the top and the ballot box waiting for him there.

The Puppet Master had gathered up two of his minions, the first a manlike creature with oddly colored orange skin and small hands, and the other a woman with a grating voice and a look as if someone had shoved something disgusting under her nose, and made for the hills beyond the cliffs.  He left behind the Politician, whom he was glad to be shut of.  He muttered under his breath about people with scruples as he raced to catch up with his toadies.

The Politician practiced a few of his favorite rhetorical flourishes as he waited, first parrying a criticism this way, then thrusting out a well-briefed opinion that way.  Finally, he peeked over the side of the cliff, seeing the Voter climbing over a particularly steep outcropping.

“I don’t suppose there is any way you could vote for me, is there?” the Politician called down. “I’d like to know how you plan to vote.”

The Voter looked up in disdain.  “Look, this isn’t particularly easy, so I’d appreciate it if you could either be quiet or do something useful, like throwing down a rope.”

The Politician looked around and saw the length of rope the Puppet Master had left behind.

“I could get you free stuff!” he exclaimed excitedly. “Let you stare at your navel in college for a few more years!  I could shut down the border if that’s what you want?”

“And I’m supposed to believe you?” the Voter retorted, pulling himself up onto a narrow ledge.  “No, I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait until after the election to see how I vote.”

“I could swear on my honor as a Politician that I would follow through,” the Politician suggested.

“No good!” the Voter said with a grunt.  He was pulling himself up onto a rock only a few feet from the top.  “I’ve known too many politicians.”

The Politician considered that for a moment, then got a somber look on his face.

“I swear that if you vote for me, I will rescind each and every executive order issued since 2008,” he said, his powerful, earnest voice carrying on the wind.

The Voter, who had just poked his head above the top of the cliff and was hoisting himself up, looked up at him.  With a smile, he said gently, “Give me my ballot.”

Thoughts on Coffee

  • I recently heard someone talking about wanting the government to regulate or outlaw caffeine, because drugs.
    • We all know how well alcohol prohibition worked, and that was for something that most people used to relax and have a good time in their off hours.  Can you imagine what it would look like if Uncle Sugar decided to outlaw something a lot of people use to get going and accomplish something?
    • You can make alcohol from pretty much anything that has carbohydrates.  For reference, look up moonshining, home beer and wine making, and bathtub gin.
    • You have to import coffee into most of the United States.  The Mexican drug cartels will pale in comparison to the hardbitten heroes who will smuggle in the finest beans for this nation.


First they came for the drinkers and I said nothing because I didn’t drink.  Well, not much, anyway.

Then they came for the gamblers, and I said nothing because I hate casinos.

Then they came for the smokers, and I said nothing because I don’t like the smell of cigarettes.

Then they came for my coffee, and here I sit atop a pyramid of severed heads.


I arrived at our campsite this weekend to find that I had not only forgotten my coffee cup, but also had no styrofoam cups from which to drink the black blood of my enemies.  Luckily for me, I had my old canteen cup in the truck (don’t ask).  I was then able to boil the water, mix the coffee, and sip it in a most outdoorsy fashion.  Only got a few weird looks from the neighbors.


It is good that I have a coffee pot that I can prepare in the evening so that it can start brewing at 5:30 AM, for there are few things I can do with accuracy while looking at the world through one blood-shot eye.


Look, don’t touch my guns, my woman, my money, or my coffee, and we’ll be fine, OK?




Here are a few phrases that I think need better definition:


Catholic KP – Working in the kitchen during a Lenten fish fry, or volunteering to work in the lunch room at your son’s Catholic school.

Catholic Kosher – Going to a Lenten fish fry when you are really craving a rare steak.

Self Control – 1. Not strangling your co-worker for sitting in their cube and chewing with their mouth open for an hour each day starting at 1:13.  2.  Not strangling your co-worker when you learn that they made a significant error in a work request that will require you to have to ask your boss to talk to his boss so that you can fix it, on the last work day before you implement.

Stroke of Genius – That moment at your desk when you forget the awesome idea you had for a story while you were driving this morning.

Traffic – The phenomenon whereby I lose all my stored-up stress by screaming at other drivers, while getting all new stress to replace it.

Personal Fitness Plan – The lie I tell myself every morning when I walk up a flight of steps to get more ‘exercise’.

Canoodle – That thing the governor of New Jersey does to Democrats, be they from Chicago or Manhattan.



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