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Laugh for the Day

My platoon sergeant had this one under the plexiglass on his desk when I was a private.  It still makes me giggle.

 

Trigger Warning

I heard a new phrase today:  “Trigger Warning”.  Apparently, it’s the new trend in writing and speaking to list out the subjects you’ll be covering so that if anyone has a psychological or emotional issue related to those subjects, they know to steer clear of the conversation.

You know, I kind of get this.  If you were abused as a child, someone saying “Hey, for the next few minutes, I’m going to be talking about child abuse” might save you from discomfort or panic.

Of course, where I’ve also seen it used is when someone realizes they are losing an argument and throws a lack of trigger warning out to change the subject and make the other side look bad. “Hey, you didn’t warn me that you’d be bringing up facts.  That’s a trigger for me!  You bastard!”

So, in order to save time for myself and you all, here are most, if not all, of the subjects that might trigger either a real emotional response on the part of the reader, or just might make someone feel icky:

  • Politics, sort of conservative fiscal, centrist social.  Leave me, mine, and the innocent alone, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t care what you do in your private life.
  • History and current events, which are tomorrow’s history
  • Guns and other things that go boom
  • Sharp pointy things
  • Personal work ethic.  You know, getting your lazy butt out of bed in the morning and providing for yourself.
  • Stupid people doing stupid things, because it’s funny to point and laugh. (Note:  I try to not point and laugh at the deceased.  Not always successful, but I do try to be humane around here.)
  • Defenestration in all its beauty and glory
  • Bad jokes, horrific puns, and very bad stories
  • Military topics
  • Family life
  • Occasional short, fictional stories, usually done in such a way that the voices in my head go on a coffee break.
  • Speaking of which, coffee, may it ever flow hot and thick.
  • Booze
  • Religion, mostly mine, but occasionally that practiced by others when it affects me.
  • Earworms, those songs that make you want to dig out the auditory parts of the brain with a knitting needle.  Usually silly, sometimes not.

Please remember, I try to not insult or traumatize anyone while leaving my thoughts here, but if I do, please let me know and I will refund your ticket price in full.

Place Names

A city in Spain is considering changing its name from because of the anti-Semetic nature of its current moniker.  I’ve always found the reasons that places get their names fascinating.  My favorite was my post in Arizona, Huachuca, which means “Place of Thunder”.

Here are a few more examples of American cities that need their names adjusted:

  • Chicago – A Native American name that means “Place where the dead vote”
  • Indianapolis – A neo-Greek name that means “Citadel of the Hoosiers”
  • Hoboken – A name derived from German, which means “Toll booths”
  • Atlanta – Another neo-Greek name.  This means “Place of peach trees”
  • Monterey – In the original Spanish, this place-name means “Expensive cold water”
  • Minot – Norwegian for “Holy crap, it’s cold here, dontcha know?”
  • Seattle – A Native American name which means “Burnt Coffee”
  • New York – Old English.  Translates loosely to “Smells like urine”
  • Boston – A biblical name, which translates from ancient Hebrew to “Graveyard of freedom”
  • Phoenix – A nod to the local Native American legend of the firebird.  This name best translates as “Better when ablaze”
  • Cleveland – Old English that means “Place where things split in two because of the cold”
  • Detroit – French for “Bankruptcy”
  • Boulder – A Native American name that means “Berkeley”
  • Las Vegas – Another of the many Spanish city names in our country.  This one translates to “Broken Knees”

 

 

 

Sorry

I probably won’t be posting much today.  This day always makes me feel a tad irrational.

If You Give A Bear a Mossberg

If you give a bear a Mossberg 590, he’s probably going to want to put a few doodads on it.

If you let him put some doodads on his shotgun, he’ll want a Magpul SGA stock so he can do a better job of wrapping his paws around it.

If you give him a Magpul SGA stock for his Mossberg, the bear is going to want to put the neat MOE fore-end on it, because it’ll match.

If you give him an MOE fore-end, he’s going to want to put a sling adaptor on it, because the stock comes with one, and a shotgun gets heavy when you carry it all day.

If you get him the sling adaptor, he’s going to want a 3 point sling, because operators use one when they’re operating operationally.

If you get him the sling, he’s going to notice that sometimes you have to shoot at night, so he’s going to want a Streamlight 7000 lumen flashlight to put on the fore-end.

If you give him the Streamlight 7000 lumen flashlight, he’s going to want a laser to go on the other side of the MOE fore-end, because it will help to aim.

If you give him a laser for his shotgun, he’s going to take it to the range and shoot it.

If he takes it to the range and shoots it, he’s going to notice all the doodads make the gun heavier and not as much fun to shoot.

If he notices that the gun is a bit heavy and not a lot of fun to shoot, he’s going to ask you for a Remington 870, because that’s what all his friends have, and you can never have too many shotguns.

And if you give him a Remington 870, chances are he’s going to want to put a few doodads on it.

Good Thing, Bad Thing

Good Thing – Your wife turns over in her sleep, and reaches out to gently touch your face.

Bad Thing – While doing so, she pokes you in the right eye with her finger nail.

 

Good Thing – Having a playful water fight in the kitchen with your wife after you say something stupid.

Bad Thing – Slipping on the wet floor, thereby wrenching your back and twisting your knee.

 

Good Thing – Your loving wife checks to make sure you’re OK when you’ve wrenched your back and twisted your knee.

Bad Thing – She uses your relative immobility to give you one final dousing before leaving the kitchen and walking off in victory.

A Little Humor

Ole the Norwegian was sitting at the bar in his favorite tavern.  Sven came in with his new dog.  This dog was big, mean, and aggressive, and Sven seemed to enjoy letting him bark and snap at people.  The bartender was scared to say anything, and Sven just kept moving down the bar to scare the patrons.

Eventually, it was Ole’s turn.  He was so scared by that dog that he fell off his bar stool.  Ole picked himself up and walked out of the tavern, chased by Sven’s laughter and the growls of his dog.  His entertainment over for the moment, Sven took a seat at a table in the back of the bar.

A little while later, Ole came back in.  He was accompanied by a little yellow dog on a leash.

Sven looked at the little yellow dog and roared with laughter. As Ole tried to eat his lunch and drink his beer, Sven kept trying to get Ole to let his dog fight Sven’s dog.  Ole resisted at first, but eventually relented

The patrons cleared a space in the middle of the bar, and the two dogs met in the middle.

Snap! Growl! Crunch!

Suddenly, all that was left in the middle of the bar was the little yellow dog and a bit of black hair floating toward the floor.

Ole gathered up his dog and started toward the door.

Staring in disbelief, Sven demanded “Vere did you get dat dog?”

Ole answered “Vell, I got him at da zoo.  Before I trimmed his nose and his tail and painted him yellow, he vas an alligator.”

First moral of the story:  You don’t have to look dangerous to be a danger to those who want to harm you.

Second moral of the story:  Never pick a fight.  You might just find out how overmatched you really are.

A Bit of Humor

A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war.

“Vell,” said the old guy, “vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky.”

“For the benefit of our viewers,” interrupted the reporter, “we should explain that the term ‘fokker’ refers to a specific type of German fighter plane.”

“Vell ya,” said the old Scandinavian pilot, “but those fokkers were Messerschmitt’s.”

Thanks to Flight Humor for the chuckle.

President Obama’s Latest Speech

DaddyBear News Network now takes you to President Obama’s latest address to members of Congress about what it will take to end the impasse over the federal budget.

 

Wow, too bad about Harry Reid’s head and Jay Carney’s fingers, but did you see how masterfully our dear leader got control of Vice-President Biden when he wanted to run rampant in the halls of Congress? How fortunate we are to have such a strong, gentle, and loving leader in these hard times.

Stay tuned to DBNN for further updates.

Overheard on the Side Porch

Knock Knock Knock

DaddyBear – Hi.

Utilities Contractor With Great Attitude And A Reflective Vest (UCWGAAARV) – Hello, sir!  We’re all done with the work on the riser.  Just need to restart your appliances.

DaddyBear – No need.  Everything’s either electric or electronic ignition.

UCWGAAARV – Everything?  Water heater too?

Daddybear – Yep.  We should be good to go.

UCWGAAARV – Sweet!  I love the easy ones.  Have a good one!

DaddyBear – You too. Thanks.

 

See?  I can be reasonable if others are reasonable with me.

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