• From the “Multitasking” Department – Investigators suspect that the taking of photographs during takeoff likely contributed to the crash of a small airplane.  The pilot and passenger of the aircraft were killed in the crash.   Investigators found evidence that “selfies” and other photographs were taken during a night-time take-off, and the flash from the camera might have disoriented the pilot, contributing to the events that led to the crash.  There’s a lesson here for us gun people as well:  when you’re doing something that ought to require your full attention, pay attention to what you’re doing.  When you’re shooting, think about shooting.  When you’re holstering, concentrate on safely holstering.  The same can be said for loading magazines, reloading ammunition, or whatever else we do.  Adding distractions like photography during shooting requires even more vigilance, lest our desire to look good or have fun get in the way of safety.
• From the “Dammit!” Department – Recently, there have been multiple incidents of children getting their hands on firearms and harming either themselves or others.  In New Mexico, a child pulled a gun out of a purse and shot both his parents, while a boy in Florida shot his sleeping mother.  Say it with me, brothers and sisters:  When the gun is not in your direct control, it needs to be locked away from little hands.  Additionally, children need to be taught the Eddie Eagle rules:  Stop!  Don’t touch! Leave the area.  Tell an adult.  The anti-rights crowd has enough clubs with which to smack us.  We need to stop making this one easy to use.
• From the “Politics As Usual” Department – The governor of Oregon is in a bit of a pickle.  You see, his fiance was lucky enough to land a job lobbying the state while at the same time acting as his first lady.  This would be kind of like Mrs. Obama drawing a $118,000 per year salary from a company that sells corn dogs and brown bananas while advising her husband on the evils of school lunches.  The governor, of course, denies that any hanky panky happened, and I certainly hope that he is being truthful.  It would be shocking for someone to bring discredit upon the hallowed calling of politics.
• From the “Watching the Watchers” Department – A Philadelphia man is suing the TSA, claiming that he was arrested and held for 20 hours for having the audacity to complain about poor treatment.  It seems that the gentleman was traveling with a watch and some nutrition bars in his carry-on, and after a while, got tired of waiting for the Uncle Badtouch to remove his blue thumb out of his blue posterior.  The TSA supervisor apparently didn’t like having his authority questioned, because he had the man arrested for making threats and being belligerent.  Fortunately for the traveler, nobody thought to lose the video evidence of the incident, which shows him being pretty calm about the whole thing, and the charges got tossed.  Now, he’s trying to get damages out of the government for his ordeal.  I wish him luck.
• From the “And the Horse You Rode In On” Department – The Veteran Affairs secretary got a little snippy with a member of Congress the other day while the two were verbally tussling over a VA hospital in Denver.  Secretary McDonald apparently got impatient with a congressman having the audacity to demand answers on cost and time overruns at a major project and asked Congressman “I ran a large company.  What have you done?”.  Here’s a hint to cabinet secretaries:  Challenging the qualifications of the people who vote on how to fund your department might be a career limiting action.
• From the “Good News” Department – A federal judge has declared that the part of the GCA ’68 that prohibits people from one state buying a handgun in another state without doing an FFL transfer is unconstitutional.  Gun buyers are able to buy long guns in other states.  Everyone needs to stop dancing in the streets over this, at least for now.  My guess is that this will be appealed repeatedly, and we won’t get final word for years.  It’s a good first step, though.

• From the “Genius!” Department – The zoo in San Francisco is advertising adoption of such animals as the hissing cockroach and scorpions in honor of ex’es.  Yes, you can pay money so that your deadbeat ex-husband or cheating ex-wife can be associated with vermin, or at least, different vermin.  I am in conversations with the Russian Space Agency to adopt Sputnik in honor of my ex, because it’s generally spherical and rather pointy in places*.
• From the “Cabin Fever” Department – A Bostonian recently took advantage of the rough weather to walk around his neighborhood in a yeti costume.  In related news, I haven’t heard from Weer’d Beard lately.
• From the “Say Cheese” Department – A woman in Michigan is suing the city of Dearborn Heights because she was forced to remove her Muslim head scarf during a booking photo.  She was under arrest for driving on a suspended license, and there was no female officer available at the time to do the photo.  Her suit alleges that the police and the city violated her First Amendment rights.  I side with the city on this one.  If you’re being booked, the city needs to know what your face looks like, and to make sure you’re not smuggling weapons or contraband into jail.
• From the “Qel Surpris” Department – As further evidence that some animals are more equal than others, reports are coming out that the Washington D.C. police wanted to arrest NBC personality David Gregory after he waved a 30 round magazine on national TV.  It would appear that somewhere between the police and the courthouse, however, an angel appeared to the prosecutor, and spake unto him “This is my favored reporter.  Touch not a hair on his head, nor blemish his reputation.”  And so, instead of being brought up on charges under D.C.’s gun laws, Mr. Gregory has continued doing his life’s work, throwing softballs to Democrat politicians.
• From the “Stupid People Tricks” Department – Kids, if you’re going to carry, make sure that you put that gun away before going to get on the plane, because Uncle Badtouch is perfectly happy to confiscate it and have you arrested if you forget.  Also, your range bag is for the range, not the airport.  I wonder how many people have gotten in trouble because a loaded magazine or a few loose rounds were at the bottom of their carry on?
• From the “Dammit!” Department – The measles outbreak that has been traced back to a visitor to Disneyland continues to grow.  Health officials in California have asked that 30 babies in Alameda be kept isolated from other children after they were exposed to measles.  In an age of ebola, super flu’s, MRSA, and the Vietnamese black crotch rot, why are we still worried about measles?  But, hey, who are you going to believe about the benefits of immunizing against deadly diseases, a physician or some dude with a WordPress account?
• From the “Would Smell as Sweet” Department – The French government recently told a mother that she could not name her child “Nutella”, while another lost her fight to name her child “Strawberry”.  La-a was not available for comment.
• From the “Enemy of my Enemy” Department – The DPRK recently characterized remarks made by President Obama as “nothing but a poor grumble of a loser.”  I had to read further into the story to notice that they weren’t talking about his last State of the Union address.
• From the “Peasants!” Department – A Kentucky state senator is trying to get his arrest for drunken driving quashed.  It would appear that Kentucky law says that a lawmaker cannot be arrested while attending a session of the legislature.  However, whether or not Senator Schlitz was enroute to or from the capitol is a bit of a controversy.  Nothing like having those who make the laws find a way to be above them.

*Yes, I shamelessly stole that line.

• From the “Riding Dirty” Department – A man in Georgia was recently cited for distracted driving because he was eating a McDonalds cheeseburger while wending his way down the public thoroughfare.  Deputy Fife was quoted as saying “First they eat the double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, then it’s fries, then it’s a double thick Steak ‘n’ Shake milkshake.  The next thing you know, they’re all hopped up on McNuggets and Animal Style Double Doubles, and it’ll be chaos in our streets.”
• From the “Responsible Adult” Department – A Louisville school bus driver was fired from her job and charged after she allowed a 12-year-old girl give oral sex to a 17-year-old boy on her bus.  Not only was the act done on her bus, but the boy told her about it before he did it, and the act allegedly happened in the seat directly behind the driver while the bus was in motion.  And now, kids, you understand why DaddyBear didn’t put up much of a fight when Irish Woman decreed that her son would not be attending public school in Louisville.
• From the “Sports and Other Necessities of Life” Department – The National Football Association has found that 11 out of 12 footballs used by the New England Patriots in the AFC playoff game were deflated at some point.  Referees inspect the footballs before the game begins, but somehow these non-standard balls got past the checks or they were altered afterward.  If it is found that the Patriots let air out of their balls, they face a fine and possibly the loss of draft picks for next year.  However, and please remember that I hope that Tom Brady and Bill Belichick die in horrible Zamboni accidents, I don’t agree that this scandal should change the line-up for the Super Bowl.  Tampered-with balls may have had some impact on the game, but the Colts got beaten like a rented mule regardless.
• From the “Holy Writ” Department – Archeologists have beenlooking at the papyrus scraps to wrap some mummies, particularly their masks, to find out what was written on them.  Apparently Crazy Abdul’s Discount Mummification and Body Shop recycled paper to wrap their 99 Shekel specials, and the writing on the paper can be read after the mummies are unwrapped.  Texts found so far include snippets of classics, personal letters, and what is believed to be the earliest  known version of the Gospel of Saint Mark.  Even more exciting, to this author, is a passage that says “The Lord said unto Thomas:  I hunger, my friend. If thou wouldst fly, I shall buy.  I desire a Double Double, Animal Style, two orders of fries, and a large Coke.”
• From the “Bad Ideas” Department – A man in New York wasarrested recently when he decided to demolish his home without telling his wife or removing her things from the house.  Apparently Captain Success also didn’t have the utilities shut off before beginning his demolition, because police had to call crews in to disconnect the power, water, and gas.  He is out on bail, while his wife is advertising on-line for a fishing boat and a concrete contractor.
• From the “Science!” Department – Researchers have successfully programmed a robot to emulate, both physically and programatically, the brain of a worm.  The robot senses things in front of it, moves itself independently, and senses food and other stimuli.  Scientists say that they are 20 to 30 percent of the way to their goal, which is for the worm to seek out a mate and run for elected office on the Green Party ticket.
• From the “Stupid Is As Stupid Does” Department – A crime victim in Louisville recently made the police’s job much easier when she saw someone wearing her stolen jewelry during a court appearance.  It appears that Ms. Brainiac attended her pre-trial hearing for receiving stolen goods while wearing stolen goods.  In unrelated news, a man under indictment for trafficking in drugs showed up for court with baggies of cocaine hanging out of his pockets, and an arson suspect brought a can of kerosene with him, just in case.

• From the “Your Tax Dollars At Work” Department – The Washington Post is reporting that  the Ebola treatment centers set up as part of President Obama’s $750 million effort to combat the disease in Africa are unused, and several, and several of them may be shut down.  It appears that this is another effort that probably would have been more productive if the money had just been set on fire for the heat.  In related news, the administration is requesting funding for relief to Iceland to support efforts to recover from volcanic eruptions that shut down European air travel.
• From the “Justice” Department – OK, you’re a CCW carrier, and you go to a friend’s house.  There, you drink a few refreshing adult beverages, probably more than you should have, and certainly more than you should while carrying a firearm.  You then compound that bad decision by getting behind the wheel.  Let’s say that for some reason, during your drive home, you end up stopped with an other driver.  During that time, you get in a scuffle with said other driver, and you end up shooting him in the leg.  What charges do you think you would face, and do you think a jury would convict you of them?  If you’re a former Louisville police officer, you get charged with DUI and wanton endangerment, then get off with a fine for the DUI and a “have a nice day” for shooting someone in the leg while under the influence.  Now, I’m not saying that you give up your right to self-defense because you get a little drunk.  What I am saying is that you ought to use your head when you know you’re going to go out drinking.  First, have a designated driver, and that person can also be your designated carrier.  Yes, you can be a totally rational, intelligent person after you’ve had a few drinks, and in some places it’s perfectly legal to have a beer or two with your dinner while carrying.  But even if it’s legal, I have no doubt that a prosecuting attorney or plaintiff’s counsel will bring it up at trial, and the demon rum is an easy cudgel with which to beat the jury.  Don’t make the lawyers’ job easier?
• From the “Worth the Assbeating” Department – Jokesters recently got the better of several LAPD officers when the “trunk full of coke” they admitted to consisted of soft drinks, not instant twit powder.  While the officers on the scene smiled and shook hands, LAPD leadership has removed the stick up their backsides, examined it, and decided that this was a waste of police resources and warned that anyone who repeats it will be cited.  Since LAPD leadership has been a joke for decades, I guess they can’t recognize humor when they see it.
• From the “On The Road Again” Department – A security guard at an Israeli zoo lost his job the other day when he allowed three female rhinos to escape while he took a nap.  The animals were quickly corralled and returned to the park with no harm done.  Republican leadership is interviewing the trio as possible 2016 candidates.

• From the “Eastbound and Down” Department – A family in Michigan had an adventure the other day when their minivan became enmeshed with the back of a semi truck.  It took 23 minutes for deputies to find the truck and stop it, by which time the van tires were worn to the nub as it was dragged down the highway.  The good news is that the van’s computer recorded excellent gas mileage during the trip, which is nice.
• From the “Truth in Advertising” – A Florida man was arrested after he was caught with a bag containing marijuana and meth at a KMart.  In what can only be called “probable cause”, his tee shirt read “Who needs drugs?  No, seriously, I have drugs.”  Police report that the man’s wardrobe includes shirts which read “I hate cops”, and another that read “I have warrants”.
• From the “Career Development” Department – Over ten thousand people have applied for a job to test paintball markers.  Unfortunately, the successful applicant will be the target, not the shooter, and will be required to have a high threshold of pain and the ability to grade bruises based on color, depth, and radius.
• From the “Pucker Factor” Department – Members of the team on the International Space Station had to evacuate the United States section of the station when mission control detected a possible ammonia leak.  It is unknown whether or not this incident was related to last night’s meal of saurkraut and Texas chili.  Technicians on the station are monitoring the situation and debating whether or not it would be a good idea to light a few candles.
• From the “Say Cheese” Department – Authorities near Saint Louis are crowd sourcing the work to identify those who took part in last year’s looting.  They are releasing surveillance camera stills of looters in hopes that someone will recognize them and turn them in for a reward.  My gut tells me that a few people will be arrested due to this effort, but even more people will be framing prints of the pictures and putting them on the wall above their new TV and athletic shoe collection.
• From the “Qel Surpris” Department – The world is realizing that when Islamic terrorists in Africa kidnap hundreds of young girls, they’re not offering them tea and crumpets.  Rather, they’re selling them off as slaves, which is apparently a shock to some.  In related news, European authorities are discovering that American college students travel to Munich in September to get drunk, not to admire the scenery.
• From the “Fixer Upper” Department – A castle in Great Britain is for sale for the rather reasonable price of $500,000.  The castle, which was renovated in 1954, and seems to be in quite good condition.  However, the listing fails to mention the homeowner’s association covenant, which requires that all moat monsters be on a leash, that the castle drawbridge only be down when going through the portal, and that all marauding bands of Vikings be out of the neighborhood by sundown.