• From the “Is there anything it can’t do?” Department – A recently released long-term study shows that women who consume coffee in their middle-age years have a better chance of a longer, healthier life. This contrasts with an earlier study that showed that those who interrupted middle-aged women while they have their coffee have much shorter lifespans.
• From the “Beast Mode” Department – A local news anchor in Albany, New York, delivered her morning news for several hours after her water broke and she went into labor. Amazing as this feat was, it was not the first tough-as-nails thing the young woman did during her pregnancy. She not only ran a half-marathon while pregnant, but also won the Easter weekend glass chewing contest and told Chuck Norris to “Man up and stop crying” during a televised debate on whether it was better to use a knife or your bare teeth to skin a live grizzly bear. Everyone is reportedly doing fine in her family, and she is reportedly planning to scale El Capitan next week with her young one’s pack-and-play strapped to her back.
• From the “Tastes Like Chicken” Department – Arizona snake wranglers recently ‘rescued‘ a diamondback rattlesnake with a unique pattern. Biologists suggest that the likely cause of the unique pattern was a mutation, but santeria cannot be ruled out at this time. Local officials have warned residents to be on the lookout for green light emitting from holes in the ground and the smell of brimstone in any area except Maricopa County.
• From the “Precious Cargo” Department – Texas officials had to close a highway for several hours last month after a truckload of newly-minted dimes spilled after a traffic accident. Sheriff William J. LaPetomane reported that there were only minor injuries, and that a toll booth would be erected on the site to finance improvements to the roadway.
• From the “Sprechen Sie Deutsch, Senor?” Department – Recently declassified documents in Argentina detail how Nazi fugitives paid millions in gold to the Peron government in exchange for safe harbor after the war. Argentinian officials are reportedly shocked, yes, shocked to find that the rumors of coooperation between German fascists and Argentinian fascists are true. Archivists are searching through old photographs of young men strolling through Buenos Aires in lederhosen to pinpoint exactly who was allowed into their country.
• From the “Oopsie Daisy!” Department – North Korean officials are investigating those responsible for the recent capsizing of a new destroyer as it was launched from its construction berth. The hermit kingdom’s newest coral reef is currently covered in blue tarps as thousands of ‘volunteers’ attempt to bail it out. In totally unrelated news, sattelite imagery shows several heavily guarded, large troop trains making their way from Pyongyang to the Kursk front in Russia.

• From the “Entrepreneurship” Department – The U.S. Border Patrol has stopped a shipment of over 300 pounds of cocaine, estimated to be worth $14 million, from entering Canada. This continued interference in free trade is suppressing the best parts of the next generation. Anyone who can sell that much snow in Canada deserves recognition, not incarceration.
• From the “Targeted Tantrums” Department – David Hogg, member of the Democratic National Committee and founder of the National Endowment for the Elimination of Testosterone (NEET), has announced that he will be working to primary up to 20 older Democrats in the House of Representatives. He aims to usher in a new era of younger political leaders in his party, promising a new age of invigorated astroturfing and political enrichmentacross our great nation. “A strawman in every pot!” Mr. Hogg was heard to exclaim as he raised one small fist at the end of a pipe cleaner forearm toward the sky. I look forward to the content this and other Hogg-related news will bring in the coming years.
• From the “EWWW!!!” Department – A group recently cleaned a stretch of New Jersey beach, and is reporting several unusual finds. These include hams, vampire teeth, and a rubber foot. Representatives from a local ‘cultural center’ and ‘social club’ had no comment on what else might have been found. Members of the clean up crew have been sequestered for fourteen days to monitor for infectious diseases or mutations caused by contact with New Jersey beaches.
• From the “Water is Wet” Department – Scientists have released a study that shows that heavy drinking can lead to brain damage. Another study has found that consumption of diet soda and other highly processed foods can lead to Type 2 diabetes. Scientists have also found a correlation between heavy and chronic cannabis use and dementia. So, drinking and using marijuana aren’t good for your brain, and eating non-nutritious foods can lead to diabetes. In other news, the cuts to federal funding for scientific research into things we already knew have not gone deep enough.

• From the “Resurrection” Department – Scientists at a genetics company have successfully created dire wolves, a species that died out 10,000 years ago. Currently, 3 pups of unusual size have been born, and are doing well at an undisclosed location. Work is underway to produce a wooly mammoth later this decade. While I applaud the skill demonstrated by this endeavor, I hope that important species like short-faced bears and cave bears are recreated and reintroduced into their former habitats, currently occupied by the headquarters of the Natural Resources Defense Council.
• From the “Bear Tested, Bear Approved” Department – A waste management company is working with a local zoo to test its bear-proof trash cans. Bears at the zoo are being given an opportunity to break into the containers to get at the treats inside. The hope is that the data gleaned from the testing aids in improving bear-proof devices such as trash cans, storage lockers, and sleeping bags. Lawyers for American Tourister luggage could not be reached for comment.
• From the “Weekend at Biden’s” Department – The Harris campaign kept a secret list of Republican-appointed judges that were to be used in the event that President Biden died and then-Vice President Harris needed to be sworn in. While this is a good cover story for an aborted plan to assume power that would have played out like the last 30 minutes of Clue, I’m sure that Mrs./Doctor/Svengali Biden would have had issues with someone interfering with her marital marionette in the event that something as inconsequential as breathing stopped happening. While I applaud the planning for a peaceful transfer of power, I mourn the opportunity we all missed to watch a cat fight of biblical proportions unfold on national TV.

Well, we ended up with about 9 or 10 inches of snow, followed by 2 to 3 inches of ice pellets, followed by about 1/4 inch of freezing rain, finished off with 2 to 3 inches of more snow.

Being a man of the North, I got out during the first snow and cleared the driveway and sidewalk. Years of “It’s easier to move 6 inches of snow twice than 12 inches of snow once” kicked into gear. My family and neighbors seemed to find this interesting, as I was monitored from all angles while I did it.

However, the next day when I tried to repeat the process and ran into that nice, thick layer of ice, my 50-something year old back told me that it was a good idea to clear the sidewalk and just make a path up the driveway for the Amazon delivery guy.

The Young Prince and I will endeavor to clear away the rest of the driveway today and tomorrow. I won’t use salt, because I like my driveway, but an ice scraper and a shovel seem to do the trick. It’s just going to take time, effort, and stubbornness to finish the job.

In other news, I found out that more of my neighbors than I thought have snowblowers. I may have to inquire as to whether or not they have daughters of marrying age so that I may introduce my progeny to them.

The Young Prince has been on remote learning for the past couple of days, extending his Christmas break somewhat. Interestingly enough, his art assignments seem to have been the most challenging to complete. My kitchen table was set up as a canvas as he used common household items to create still life photographs using all the colors of the wind.

Irish Woman continues her tasks for her employer from the house, which seems to be centered around multiple phone calls each day, interspersed with silence as she works. These interludes are punctuated by curses at her monitor in a manner only a Kentucky woman of Irish descent can do when the computer does not do as she told it.

Crash, the Siamese Terror, has been comfortably ensconced in a kitty condo in the garage for the duration of the weather event. He gets regular checks and scratches each day. I am doing my best to not allow his outdoor abode get overly burdened with snow and ice.

The canine pets, Moonshine the WonderLab, Princess Sophie von Grrr of Beagle-Dachshund, and Ellie May, the pretty, but not too bright beagle/lab mix, are enjoying much napping in between bouts of insanity brought on by tennis balls and a “Mister Bill” chew toy. Actually, Sophie and Ellie enjoy the insanity. Moonshine, being the elder statesman he is, just sits back and watches his sisters lose their ever loving minds.

Moonshine, he of the thick undercoat, is OK with the snow and chilly temperatures. He’s a little old to cavort in the snow, but he goes about his business outside without a lot of change to his usual routine. Ellie thinks this is the most awesome time of her life, and has to be coaxed back into the house. Sophie, on the other hand, goes out, does her business, and is then happy to grace us with her indoors presence immediately, preferably on somebody’s lap and covered up with a blanket.

We’re slated to get more snow in the next few days, with temperatures not staying above freezing for at least another week after that. Looks like Old Man Winter finally decided to pay us a visit.

• From the “Petulant Poultry” Department – Peep, a pet rooster that regularly attends Civil War reenactments, recently went missing when his owner stopped at an Alabama Cracker Barrel restaurant.  Searchers combed the bushes looking for the rooster, but their luck was nothing to crow about.  Luckily, Colonel Sanders’ favorite feathered trooper was returned to his owner when a good Samaritan rescued him and drove him to Mississippi.  I can only imagine the stories that chicken told during the trip.  “There I was, I say, there I was, son, up to my pinfeathers in Yankees. It was the second day at Shiloh, and we were running out of both mealworms and gunpowder….”
• From the “Miracle Worker” Department – President Biden announced today that all adults in the United States will be vaccinated by May.  Additionally, all primary and secondary school teachers will be vaccinated by the end of March, which will allow schools to re-open just in time for the summer break.  I just can’t say how impressed I am with this.  I mean, there was no Covid-19 vaccine when the President took office just a few weeks ago, and already he is making it happen for all of the pharmaceutical companies and teacher’s unions.
• From the “Wave of the Future” Department – A Kentucky firm plans to deploy two small space stations in the near future.  These will be used as for orbital manufacturing, taking advantage of the negligible gravity in orbit.  Representatives of the Kentucky bourbon industry are reported to be in talks to put a still in space so that bottles of suborbital hooch can finally reach the market.
• From the “That Didn’t Take Long” Department – North Korea has reportedly restarted work at a remote, secret nuclear facility.  Addressing the country while seated in a high-backed leather chair and stroking a long-haired white cat, Kim Jong Un, leader of the isolated communist country and renowned connoisseur of fine Tazhik fermented camel milk whiskey, maintained that the facility is not related to nuclear development.  Rather, he asserted, it is a medical research compound, where the best minds North Korea can find are working to perfect a peasant that can thrive on 3 grains of rice a day.  President Biden is expected to comment on this after he arises from his latest nap.
• From the “BDA” Department – The Air Force recently announced that last week’s air raid in Syria killed one militant and wounded two others.  In addition, the seven weapons used to make the rubble bounce in the war-torn country destroyed nine facilities and damaged another two.  It’s good to see that our defense dollars are being used so wisely.  1 enemy KIA and 2 WIA, along with the destruction of two goat barns, three mud huts, and four rusty shipping containers is certainly a good payoff for the money it cost to deploy a pair of strike fighters, their air and ground crews, then fuel and arm them for the mission.  The airstrike is reportedly in response to a rocket attack last month in Iraq, in which $32.50 worth of Iranian unguided munitions were used.
• From the “Biggest Mouse I Ever Saw” Department – A kangaroo caused a ruckus in Alabama the other day when it escaped its handler and led police in a high-speed chase down the highway.  Local residents seem to be of different minds on the subject of the miscreant marsupial, who is still at large.  About half of those polled think it should be captured before it or anyone else gets hurt, while the other half thinks several of the creatures should be released so that there can be a draw hunt for their offspring in a couple of years.
• From the “Suffering Cetaceans” Department – A seal was detained by police in Canada the other week after it crossed a highway and headed into the woods.  The seal was overheard by this reporter barking out that it only wanted to go to Tim Hortons for a coffee and a couple of crullers, and wanted to know if it was under arrest.

• From the “Jackass in the Judiciary” Department – A man has filed a lawsuit against a baking company stating that because “Hawaiian rolls” are actually made in California, he deserves some measure of compensation.  The product was originally made in Hilo, but moved to the Polynesian paradise of Torrance at some point.  The makers of german chocolate cake mixes were unavailable for comment.
• From the “Bed and Breakfast” Department – A home for sale in Vermont has the added perk of having several jail cells attached to it.  As a parent of children who rarely wanted to stay in bed after tuck-in time, I see this as a very desirable addition.
• From the “Trawling for Trouble” Department – A man in Great Britain recently pulled 19 World War II grenades out of a river near Birmingham.  The gentleman continued to pull the devices out of the water one at a time, but only called the police after he noticed that two of them still had their pins in place.  Folks, you know I’m one of the first to say “That’s not the government’s job” for most things.  But, if you pull one grenade, with or without pin, out of a river, stop fishing.  Let the nice men from the bomb squad drag the bottom for anti-personnel devices.
• From the “Urban Erection” Department – A gingerbread monolith, reminiscent of metal structures that have popped up in odd places around the world in recent months, was found in a park in San Francisco a few days ago.  Local authorities are looking for the person or persons who put the structure up, reportedly to fine them for lack of a permit, use of GMO flour and ginger, and the lack of signage on caloric, fat, and sugar content.
• From the “Bad JooJoo” Department – Two people have been arrested in New York after deplaning using an aircraft’s emergency slide while it was taxiing for take-off.  One of the men took a Great Dane puppy along for the ride, which was probably a treat for the pooch.  Other travelers got the exquisite experience of trying to catch other flights to Atlanta from LaGuardia during holiday travel season.  Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like having an unscheduled layover in a New York airport.
• From the “No Good Deed” Department – The Health and Human Services department has cancelled a proposed $14,000 fee that the FDA wanted from distillers who produced hand sanitizer at the beginning of the Covid-19 crisis.  The fee is normally assigned to companies that manufacture pharmaceutical products.  Anonymous sources tell this reporter tha the distillers’ association meeting about this issue included references to ‘revenuers’ and ‘shootin’ irons’.  In totally unrelated news, the FDA office in Point Barrow has announced an upcoming welcome party for several new members of its staff.

From the “That Didn’t Take Long” Department – Spain’s Prime Minister has announced that he sides with Germany in a disagreement over how the European countries should plan their mutual defense.  France has suggested that the Europeans should provide for their own safety, while Germany and other ‘allies’ believe that continued reliance on American NATO funding coordination was most economical important.  The Prime Minister went on to say that he hopes that now that the American election is over, the two sides of the Atlantic alliance can ‘reestablish a positive agenda’.  By this, of course, he hopes that the flow of American money and blood will return to pre-Trump administration levels, giving a positive upswing to the coffers of the various European governments who have been pressured to pay for their own defense since 2017.

From the “Butter, not Guns” Department – The European Union expects to be self-sufficient in the production of batteries for electric vehicles by 2025.  Sales of electric cars on the Continent are rising even as overall automobile sales slump.  It’s amazing how much can be done when you can rely on Poland and a few thousand American soldiers to keep Vladimir Putin from receiving deep-tissue foot rubs by Angela Merkel’s cute great-grandniece on the evening news without having to break the bank or get your own hands dirty.  No official word yet on other European energy plans, although this reporter has been advised that they include truckloads of money thrown into huge furnaces at former coal power plants.

From the “All Animals Are Equal” Department – China has announced that it has eradicated extreme poverty within its borders.  Their criteria included an average daily income of less than $1.52 a day and lack of access to basic services such as involuntary experimentation healthcare, constant monitoring over all public and private activities, and easy access to prison camps educational facilities.  The Communist government claims that it has elevated 93 million of its people out of poverty in the last decade.  In totally unrelated news, the government announced that its goal to provide 93 million inexpensive factory workers to the wealthy portions of its country has been achieved.  In addition, Beijing unveiled a new plan to provide cheap land to wealthy investors in recently discovered, unpopulated areas in the Chinese hinterlands.

From the “Adventures in Gardening” Department – A Massachusetts man recently got a bit of a surprise when he unearthed a mortar shell while digging in his yard.  Authorities were alerted, and the object was removed and destroyed safely.  No word on how it came to be buried on the man’s property, but he now has the best excuse known to mankind for not doing yard work.

From the “Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?” Department – A village in Japan has installed several large robotic wolves to help deal with a rash of bear incursions.  The animatronic wolves make noises and flash red from their eyes when something triggers their motion sensors.  No word yet on how many of the local people have soiled themselves after setting these devices off while taking a late evening stroll.

From the “Adventures in Parenting” Department – A school in France has asked parents to stop throwing their children over a locked gate and into the schoolyard when they arrive late to school.  Apparently, the teachers have been mistaking them for German paratroopers, which disrupts instruction as they tear down the tricolor and start waving their handkerchiefs.

From the “Cabin Fever” Department – A family in California has devoted their time in Covid-19 lockdown to creating a smaller version of the DisneyLand Matterhorn attraction.  They worked from March to July on the ride, which features 400 feet of track.  A crack team of Disney legal ninjas has already been dispatched to the scene, while Governor Newsom will be holding a press conference announcing a closure of the ride next week.

From the “Et Tu, Brute?” Department – A gold coin, minted to commemorate the assassination of Julius Caesar, sold at auction for $3.5 million.  No word yet on the amount that the commemorative coin for 2020 election shenanigans will go for.

• From the “Civics 101” Department – Indiana lawmakers are considering a new requirement for high school graduation – a citizenship test. Several other states require students to pass a test on the United States government, and I like the new requirement. We didn’t have to pass such a test when I was in high school, but we did have to pass a general civics class.
• From the “Dumbasses” Department – The TSA recently announced that it is confiscating, on average, twelve firearms at airport security checkpoints. Overall, TSA discovered 4,239 guns in 2018. Folks, your range bag is not your airport bag. We’re better than this. Pull your gun out of your bag and your head out of your fourth point of contact before going to get on the big silver birds.
• From the “Houdini” Department – A toddler in Alabama recently discovered a secret passage into an arcade claw machine. This, of course, proves my belief that young children are masters of both destruction and teleportation. No word yet on how many quarters emergency personnel had to expend to get him out.