This morning, while Irish Woman and Girlie Bear were out, I bundled Boo into the truck and headed off to run a few errands  The last of these was to visit our local nursery/country store/odds and ends place to pick up a couple dozen farm eggs.  On our way in, Boo spied a sign in front of a shelf full of pumpkins that read “Half Off!”

My darling little boy looked up at me with those ice blue eyes, and in the sweetest voice I’ve ever heard, said, “Dad!  Let’s get some and make pumpkin pie like Alton Brown!”  Needless to say, a couple rather large pumpkins went home with us.

I guess that’s better than “Dad!  Let’s get some and make moonshine!” or “Dad! Let’s get a couple and see how much black powder it takes to launch one 100 feet!”

Looks like the limited TV we let him have is still sinking in.  Have to remember that the next time he wants to watch “TV Commercial:  The Movie!”

Dear Teachers of America,

Make up your minds.  Yet again, I am buying another calculator for a high school student because none of the myriad ones I’ve purchased in the past decade work for your class.  Seriously, do you all own stock in Texas Instruments or something?   Can’t someone just put out in 9th grade which calculator a student will need for the four years of math and let us just bite the bullet then?  I’ve purchased more computing power than NASA used to get to the moon, and I’m approaching their budget in doing it!

In addition, I am buying my third edition of Beowulf, because y’all can’t decide which translation you like.  I understand that the days of a school having the books necessary for the students’ education are long gone, and I’m pretty much OK with paying for them out-of-pocket.  But can y’all get together on one of those ‘professional development’ days and decide which editions, translations, and paper tensile strength you want to use in your class?

Also, I don’t mind buying school supplies for my children, no matter how bizarre.  I’m not sure why my child needs to bring in three reams of copy paper, two rolls of paper towels, a pack of dry erase markers, and the dried left big toe of a hoary Himalayan hammerhead hedgehog, but if you tell me it’s necessary, I’ll fight the hordes of other parents and get them.  All I ask is that the supplies I buy go to my child.  If I’m buying the two packs of neon-bright, hand-rolled artisanal crayons you mandate on the supplies list, then my child should have those two packs.  Putting them in one big tub and letting everyone else’s kid use them isn’t right.  And to be honest, I don’t care if there are other children who can’t afford Crayolas and Indian Head writing tablets.  I’ll pay a little more in tuition for the school to buy a couple rolls of butcher paper and a couple bags of generic charcoal briquets for those kids whose parents prefer to spend their money on tattoos and cases of canned domestic beer.  See?  I can be reasonable.  I SAID I CAN BE REASONABLE!

In closing, please get yourselves together.  I respect the heck out of you for what you do.  Trust me, I couldn’t do it without becoming a raging alcoholic or collapsing from septic shock after spending eight hours a day with the little lunatic petri dishes.  Just please stop finding ways to drain my wallet and my sanity.

Respectfully,

Daddy J. Bear

Suffering parent

As I was sitting on the couch, sipping my morning coffee and reading about the first battle of Ypres, Girlie Bear approached me with some news.  It seems that her Algebra II teacher, while he waits to get his class going because there’s a delay in the school handing out the tablet computers that are mandatory for the class, has decided to be industrious and teach the class to use the graphing calculator that is also mandated.   Girlie Bear was proud of herself that she was able to do the work on paper with out the $100 calculator, mainly because both her Algebra I teacher and her parents have pounded in “rise over run” when it comes to graphing linear equations.

But I know that if the teacher is requiring a graphing calculator, such paper and pencil work will only get her so far before she’ll lag behind.  I looked at the budget and was grudgingly pressing the “Check Out” button on Amazon when it occurred to me that I had already purchased a tablet for her to use in this class.  Tablets are computers.  Computers come with applications, and this specific computer has its very own app store for downloading things like, oh, I don’t know, graphing calculators.

I whipped out my own tablet, went to Google Play, and lo and behold, there were about a dozen graphing calculator apps to be had, most of them free and none of them costing $100.  At that point, I wiped away the tear of blood that was running down my cheek as I tried to wrap my mind around a class that required ownership of a tablet computer so that the school could save money on textbooks, yet did not utilize the free or low-cost apps that such a doo-dad makes easy.

A polite, professional email has been sent to her math teacher, enquiring about this perceived inconsistency.  I’m hoping that a lightbulb will go off over someone’s head, and I won’t be on the hook for yet another calculator (Like Lowe’s, I seriously should have bought stock in Texas Instruments years ago).  I’m hopeful, but I’m also keeping that TI-84 Plus in my shopping cart at Amazon.

Isn’t technology wonderful?

I’m sure a lot of you had a good day, but I doubt you had a “Take your youngest son sledding for the first time” good day.

How can she go from this:

To this:

in just a couple of weeks?  I swear I sent her out to play with her brothers in a bubble dress and pony tails just last week.

Girlie Bear officially began her final leg in the journey to adulthood today.  She starts high school in August.  I have four years left to teach her what she needs to know before she begins the operational phase of her plan to conquer the world.

The following items are present in the bed with The Young Prince this evening as we attempt to get him to fall asleep:

1. Pillow
2. Soft Blanket
3. Quilt, not so soft
4. Snowman Flannel Sheet Set
5. Hasenpfeffer the Bunny
6. Timmy the Sheep
7. Magic Wand
8. Toy Helicopter
9. Tambourine*
10. Snuggle the Bear (Promotional toy from our last trip to the grocery store)
11. Woody the Cowboy (Talking)*
12. Buzz the Spaceman (Also talking, in both English and Spanish, and playing sound effects, and flashing laser beams)*
13. One copy of One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

I swear that somewhere under his bed is a horde of other toys, because occasionally we hear something that wasn’t accounted for as he drifts off to sleep.  I’m amazed there’s still room for Boo.

*Hell hath no wrath as a set of aunts whose childless sister, who has been giving their kids obnoxious presents for years, suddenly has a child of her own.

OK, I’m a big softy.  So what?

The nickname I use was given to me by my oldest when he was just barely old enough to talk.  Our favorite movie at the time was “Jungle Book” and Mowglie calls Baloo “Papa Bear” a few times.  Junior morphed that into “DaddyBear” when I started reading him the children’s version of the Jungle Book, and it stuck.

When I deployed to Bosnia in 1996, my ex and I sat down and recorded me reading a bunch of bed time stories.  That’s always been my favorite thing to do as a dad, and I wanted Junior to get his daily share of “Green Eggs and Ham” while I was away.  Reports are that he asked for DaddyBear to read to him every night I was gone.  I wish I still had that tape.

What this soldier is trying to do is stay in touch with his young daughter during one of the most important times in her life.  Apparently it’s doing some good, because she can still recognize him and tries to interact with his image instead of just sitting and watching.

I wish this father and every other parent who is deployed good luck and a safe return.  Hopefully this little girl won’t remember that her dad was gone, but will have a great connection to her father.

Tonight, when Boo and I curl up with “Hop on Pop”, I’ll remember how lucky I am to have never been away from him for more than a couple of nights, which I can’t say for his brothers and sister, and how many other fathers are away from their kids tonight.

H/T to Danger Room for this one.