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Living Room Sleep Out Checklist

  • Kids express wish to sleep out in the living room and watch movies.
  • Make family friendly dinner.
  • Serve family friendly dinner.
  • Take over-excited five-year-old to shower and hose him off.
  • Bring wet-dry vacuum to bathroom, along with mops, squeegee, and possibly a portable sump pump.
  • Get kids into pajamas.  Be prepared for the Spiderman top to be worn with the Scooby Doo bottoms.
  • Start sleep-out movie on TV.  Oversee negotiations between children over whether to watch Annoying American Animated Movie or Annoying Japanese Animated Movie.
  • If using air mattresses for the sleepout:
    • Search for air mattresses in the camping equipment.  They will be situated at the bottom of the stack of boxes, in the containers marked “Kitchen” and “Arctic Expedition Miscellaneous”.
    • Search for electric air pump.  It is in the trunk of a 1947 Packard that was last seen going southbound on FM 27 in Tom Green County, Texas.
    • After acquiring all of these items, attempt to inflate the air mattresses.
    • Notice the air mattress is making sounds like a bagpipe as air escapes at high speed.
    • Find a roll of duct tape.  You only own 28, so this should be easy.
    • Give up and go to the store to buy duct tape roll number 29.
    • Patch the myriad holes in the air mattresses, which surprisingly enough, appear to be feline in origin.
    • Inflate the air mattresses.
  • If using the pull-out couch:
    • Remove all of the cushions from the couch.  Try to put them somewhere that isn’t covered in pet hair.
    • Stretch and warm up.  You don’t want to do this with cold muscles.
    • Chalk up.
    • Place your feet one shoulder width apart, making sure to center your body over your feet.
    • Flex your knees.
    • Grasp the bar of the pull-out section firmly.
    • Take a deep breath.
    • Pull firmly, but with explosive force, on the bar of the pullout section.
    • Exhale as you lift.  If necessary, grunt or shout.
    • As the mattress starts to move up, push up with your legs. DO NOT lift with your back.
    • When the mattress reaches it maximum height, start rotating it down toward you.  Be careful to not get any body part you care to keep directly underneath the frame, as its descent can be quite fast and violent.  This can lead to some rather impressive bruises and stitches in the event that it comes down on you.
    • After the frame crashes down and gouges holes in the hardwood floor, fold out the mattress and frame to complete assembly of the fold-out bed.
  • Place sheets, pillows, and blankets on the bed
  • Retreat to the bathroom to put on either a truss, a back brace, or both, depending on your needs.  Feel free to partake of your anti-inflammatory / mood stabilizer / muscle relaxer of choice at this time.
  • Pass out.
  • Awake to the dulcet tones of children fighting.
  • Stumble out into the living room to find them arguing about whether to watch Death Fist XMIII or Blood Runs Red on the Highway XLV before breakfast.
  • Start the coffee maker and make breakfast for the kids.
  • Deny requests to eat breakfast in front of the TV.  It is impossible to get eggs and bacon grease out of a pull out bed or a vinyl air mattress.
  • As the kids are eating and arguing, put away the beds.
  • Notice that all of the bedding is now coated in dog hair, which may lead you to suspect that the dog and kids are ignoring your rule about dogs on the furniture.
  • Put sheets, blankets, pillow cases, and pillows into the laundry.  You will remember to do them 10 minutes before bedtime tonight.
  • If you used the air mattress.
    • Notice that the mattress is deflated before you take out the plug.
    • Inspect for new leaks.
    • Find a fun new pattern of claw-like holes on the top surface of the mattress.
    • Look around for your new roll of duct tape.
    • Give up on finding your new roll of duct tape and decide that you’re not going to the store for roll number 31 in your pajamas.
    • Fold up air mattresses and put them, along with the air pump, into box clearly marked “Air Mattresses”.  Return box to storage area in basement.  The magic aggravation elves will sort them back into their proper places at a later date.
  • If you used the pull-out bed:
    • Fold the foot of the frame and mattress down.
    • Reversing the process from the night before, lift the frame and mattress up off the floor and back into the couch.  This time, remember to lift with  your legs, not with your spleen.
    • Call your chiropractor for an adjustment.
    • Search for the sofa cushions.  One will be found behind the television, one has been stuffed up the chimney to the fireplace, and the other is in the washing machine.
  • Clean up the breakfast dishes.  No, I don’t know how so few children could make such a large mess.
  • Make another pot of coffee.  Apparently the little darlings are graduating up to bean juice from apple juice.
  • Get a cup of coffee, open up the laptop, and start making promises to yourself that start with “Never again”.

Why I love my Siamese

Or, “Trying to explain the claw marks on my arm and chest”

I’m currently all splayed out in the armchair in the living room.  Boo is asleep, Irish Woman is in the other room getting ready for bed, and Girlie Bear just came out for her good night hug.  Just doing a little blog reading and syncing the iPhone before heading to bed.  As the saying goes, I wasn’t hurting nobody.

Koshka, she of the fire in her eyes, was sitting on the back of the chair, purring into my ear.  I tossed my head a couple of times while reading to get her to knock it off, which eventually she did.  A moment later, I heard a thump and all of the things on the top of the antique oak china hutch shifted as she vaulted from the back of the chair to its top shelf.

Looking up, I exclaimed “Koshka, get your fuzzy self down from there!”.

I swear, if a cat could shrug, Koshka shrugged.  After giving me a baleful look, she launched herself off of the top shelf of the hutch, landing with her back paws on my left arm and her front paws on my chest.  Did I mention her nice, long, sharp claws?  She then re-launched herself halfway across the living room while I tried to get my breath back enough that I could grasp her by her neck and wring it.  Luckily for her, her catlike reflexes are quicker than my catlike reflexes, so she lives to pounce another day.

She and I have come to a detente.  I have agreed to not seek vengeance, she agrees to sit under the reading lamp and sun herself until bedtime.  It’s a mutually beneficial agreement.

Now where did I put that Bactine?

Thought for the day

When trying to convince a two year old that the kitty does not need her teeth brushed, it is better to stand by with the betadyne and let him learn from experience.  No need for first aid, but the cat did move away before he could shove the brush in her mouth.

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