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Musings

  • The defining feature of an excellent vacuum cleaner is not in how powerful it is, nor is it in its variety of attachments and capabilities.  No, dear reader, the truly defining feature of an excellent vacuum cleaner is the ease of dismantling it so that a clog the size of a small raccoon can be cleared.
  • The little area that includes the place where New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut come together is quite pretty. I got an excellent chance to appreciate its beauty when we took a wrong turn on our way to the airport and didn’t realize it for thirty miles.
    • Since my previous experience with New Jersey was Newark and Monmouth, I was pleasantly surprised to spend a week surrounded by woods and pleasant people.
  • One good part of flying from a small airport is the speed at which you can get through it.  It only took about fifteen minutes to turn in the rental car, check my bag, get through security, and have a seat at my gate.
  • Chicago O’Hare, on the other hand, is a sprawling mess that really just needs to declare its independence and hold elections so that the poor souls trapped there for eternity can at least get a bit of representative government.
  • After finishing a long, rather tense couple of days worth of work, I decided to reward myself with a recorded German soccer match on TV, a cold Shiner, and a Dove chocolate bar.
    • I may be a bit of a redneck, but I’m a cultured redneck.

Musings

  • The minimum purchase at the work cafeteria is five dollars.  Since my coffee was less than that, I let the nice lady at the checkout talk me into some cookies and a Coke.
    • I’ll be honest, if she’d said I needed to do an arduous side quest to get my coffee this morning, I’d have suited up and grabbed my axe.
  • One of the good things about being away from home is how quiet it is in the hotel room.
    • The main distraction in the hotel room is how quiet it is.
  • I know that aviation is a gift, and that my ancestors would have given anything to be able to go from Kentucky to New York in a few hours, but by the time we landed in White Plains, I was ready to walk home.
  • It occurs to me that most modern programming / scripting languages began when someone flounced out of a C/C++ forum in the early 1990’s.
    • “Fine!  You don’t want to use my new way for handling exceptions and not require a semi-colon at the end of each line?  I’ll write my own language!  I’ll show you!”
  • As I was binge watching “Altered Carbon” over the past couple of nights, I realized that I’d played that Shadowrun campaign when I was 19.
    • Not that the program isn’t a great ride, but I kept waiting for the ninja swords to show up.

Escort Duty – Part 20

Erika sat on a stool before a bronze mirror as a girl brushed her hair out. The soldiers had handed her over to the Duke’s guards late the night before, and the marks on her wrist showed how she had struggled against her bonds as she rode. She felt some satisfaction in knowing that her resistance had slowed her captors’ return to the city. The captain of the guards, a man with one eye who introduced himself as Gabor, had instructed several servants to assist her.

Now, she was thoroughly scrubbed, dressed in a silk gown the color of dragon’s fire, and sat having her hair and jewelry gone over by two servants. She looked about in disbelief, half expecting to see Greta’s smile reflected in the mirror as she fussed with the princess’ hair.

“Now, lady, you are beautiful,” the matronly woman who managed the servant girls said in a thick accent, “The Duke will be happy to see you in such a state.”

Erika looked at her sharply, but said nothing.

The servants finished their work, then helped Erika to her feet. The shoes they had put on her were too tight, and they pinched as Erika walked to the door of her chamber. Two guards, their clothing black with a bronze dragon embroidered on the chest of their tunics, escorted her down the stairs. Late-morning sun streamed through windows as she was led to a large meeting hall below.

A man, tall, stout, with grizzled gray hair clipped close to his scalp, sat in a chair at the end of the hall. Next to him stood an older man, wearing a woolen cloak dyed the color of ripe wheat. He held a wax tablet in one hand and a stylus in the other.  He scribbled rapidly as the seated man talked.

“Tell him that payment for his curse will come when I have taken Pesht. Butter him up a bit and tell him the plague is working better than expected, and there will be plenty of open lands to reward him with once the campaign is….” the man said, looking up and smiling as he saw Erika walk into the hall.

“Ah, my lady, so good to meet you at last,” he said as he rose with a dismissive gesture to his servant. The scribe bowed as she approached, then turned and left the hall, his scroll and stylus in hand.

The man stood and walked toward the princess. He was half a head taller than Erika, and wore a tunic of soft, heather-gray velvet across his broad shoulders and protruding belly. The silk slippers on his feet made no sound as he took a step closer to the women, and amethysts twinkled from his ears.

“Duke Kyrali, I presume,” Erika said, affecting her most imperious tone.

The duke bowed dramatically, “At your service, my lady.”

“If you are at my service, then why did your men kill my servant and drag me here against my will?”

“Ah, but that was just a misunderstanding. I’m sure they meant no harm.”

“No harm? Greta was a loyal maid whom I have known most of my life! And to bring me here as a prisoner, to force me to appear before you, that is outrageous!” Erika said as she raised her wrists up to show the bruises and marks from her bonds.

Kyrali acted as if he did not notice, instead taking Erika by the hand and leading her to a small table laid out with food and drink. A servant poured yellow wine into a silver cup for Erika, while the duke offered her a plate of cheese and grapes.

“Come, my lady, accept my hospitality,” he said in a silken tone, “It isn’t often that such a beautiful and noble woman graces us with her presence.”

Erika glared at him over the top of her wine, but took a piece of cheese from the plate. She nibbled on it for a moment, then looked at Kyrali with a shrewd expression.

“And what exactly do you want with me?” she demanded.

“Why, only to be of service to you and to offer you a rest from your long journey, fair lady,” he replied.

“If you wish to be of service to me, speed me to the borders of your lands so that I may return home!”

“Now, there’s no need to rush. I know of your father’s death, my lady. Such a pity, for such a beautiful woman to be without a protector and lord.”

This woman has no need of a protector or a lord, and how dare you speak of my father, you cur!”

“Ah, but I know that you are unwed, my lady,” he said, clucking his tongue, “How shameful that your father did not take care of that before his untimely demise.”

“What business is that of yours?” she retorted through clenched teeth.

“Why, since I plan on joining our kingdoms through marriage, it’s surely my business, Erika. May I call you Erika?”

“No, you may not, and if you think I’m going to….”

“Oh, I know of your betrothal, too. Really, your father was terrible about ensuring that his people stayed loyal to his house. But don’t worry your pretty little head about that, my dear. I’ll deal with Prince Jorgen as soon as I have united Booda and Pesht once again, and the resources of the Western Islands are mine.”

“My people will never…”

“Never let a gossamer hair on your head come to harm, my lady,” the duke interrupted with an oily smile, “even if that means providing me with ships and soldiers and whatever else your new husband requires. No, I think that we shall make a fine pair, and you shall give me good sons to rule both kingdoms.”

“You are no king, and I will not be your brood mare,” Erika said defiantly.

“Ah, but you see, I soon shall be. The little country of Pesht is being ravaged by a horrific plague, as I’m sure you saw on your way through that poor land.”

“I saw empty villages and farms turning to wasteland, if that’s what you mean,” she replied in an icy tone.

The duke shook his head sadly. “Yes, horrible, isn’t it? I’m sorry to say I’ve had to close my border with our neighbors to keep the contagion from spreading here. More wine?”

“I heard what you were saying when I came in. How can you kill all those people?”

“Ah, you are a sharp young lady, aren’t you? No matter. You see, a land depopulated by sickness can’t stop my army from crossing the border to… assist our neighbors. Of course, after we’ve garrisoned troops there to bring comfort to them, they’ll be happy to be ruled by such a benevolent master as me. And once I rule both lands, why, what else can I call myself but ‘King’?”  His smile widened as he took a sip from his cup.

“Benevolent?” Erika snorted, “You evil little snake, you’re murdering children so that you can steal from your neighbor!”

“Well, I guess it just depends on how one looks at it, doesn’t it, my dear?”

The duke took another drink from his wine, then smirked at Erika as he put his chalice down on the table.

“And since you had the bad manners to eavesdrop while I spoke to my advisor, I’ll just have to make sure you never have an opportunity to spread such things around. You’ll make a fine lady in the high tower, won’t you?”

His teeth showed white against his beard as he grinned at her and lifted his cup to drain it.


Other episodes can be found here.  The entire anthology can be purchased at Amazon.

Book Review – Bite Sized

Holly Chism, proprietress of the Godshead Tavern, has started a new series call the Liquid Diet Chronicles, and the first book, Bite Sized, is a real treat!

Meg Turner has been a vampire for twenty years. Her favorite food is rapists. Which is how she met Andi Donahue, her new best friend/ girl Friday.

And then the nightmares start. And the bodies start showing up–bled out and raped. Just like Meg was. They don’t have a whole lot of time to stop the killer before he strikes again, and only one way to stop the killer.

But how can Andi help Meg stop a killer she can’t even see?

Chism’s greatest strength as a writer is her ability to get inside her characters’ skins, and she hits the mark with Bite Sized.  Meg is a young vampire who’s had to learn everything on her own, and she has a pentient for thinning the ranks of those who prey on their fellow human beings.  By the end of the first chapter, she is a vivid, well-formed character that makes you want to read the next page and the page after that.

Other characters, especially Meg’s friend Andi, complete Bite Sized as they race to find and destroy a killer.  The story is fast paced at times, but Chism takes time to give her characters time to breathe and be human.  Well, mostly human, but it’s a vampire story, so you take what you can get.

I’d recommend Bite Sized for the beach or the lake house, or for an evening in front of the fire.  I’m already looking forward to the rest of the series!

Escort Duty – Part 19

The sun had been up for an hour when Simon and Hollo approached the village.

“I don’t know about you,” Simon said, “but I need a bath, some food, and a few hours of sleep.”

Hollo merely grunted as he looked at the village on the horizon. He stiffened as he saw several men on horses milling around near the tavern. He put his hand up, and Simon reined his horse to a halt.

“What is it?”

“Not sure. Was there a troop of cavalry in the village last night?”

“Not that I saw,” Simon replied, rising in the stirrups to get a better view of the village.

“Well, they’re at the tavern now.”

They rode their horses off the road and into a copse of trees. After dismounting, they tethered the horses to a willow next to a small stream and crept as near as they could to the village without being seen.

Closer inspection did nothing to assuage their fears. Even from this distance, they could see soldiers, both mounted and on foot, searching the buildings. Villagers stood around, clutching children close and bowing their heads to officers when they issued gruff orders and demands.

“Well, that’s the end of this trip,” Hollo said, turning to go back to the horses, “No way they weren’t captured.”

“We need to find out where the princess is,” Simon said, putting his hand up to stop his friend.

Hollo regarded him for a moment, then sighed.

“You and your damned sense of honor. Seriously, it’s going to get you killed someday.”

“Have to die for something,” Simon replied, “Think you can get in there without raising suspicion?”

Hollo said nothing, but reached his hand up to his amulet without asking Simon to turn around. His features blurred for a moment, then were replaced with those of a large crow.

“Never seen how you do that before,” Simon said, “Try to find out if they’ve been captured, and where they’ve been taken.”

The crow blinked twice, then took off in a rustle of black wings. Simon watched as it landed on the roof of the tavern, turning this way and that from its perch. After a moment, it flew down into the village and out of his sight.

Simon stole back to the horses and waited for Hollo. He was getting anxious when he heard wings beating on the wind, and then Hollo walked out from behind a tree.

“I’m doing that too often,” the thin man said, “Going to have to rest a bit.”

“What did you learn?” Simon demanded.

“They took the lady last night. She’s in Booda by now, probably.”

“And Greta?”

“Dead. I heard the innkeeper’s wife complaining to someone about having to clean up the blood.”

Simon shook his head at that. “We should never have left them,” he said angrily, slapping his fist into his palm.

“They’re searching the village for us,” Hollo continued, “The innkeeper told the soldiers that the last he saw of us, we were leaving the tavern last night.”

“How far is it to Booda?”

“If we take the main road, we can be there tonight, but we can’t go that way.”

“And if we go the way that doesn’t end up with us locked in a crow’s cage?”

Hollo looked up at Simon’s choice of words, then said, “We can be there by dawn tomorrow.”

“Good,” Simon said, turning to the horses, “let’s get going.”

Hollo shook his head and muttered as he mounted his horse. “Going to get both of us killed.”


Other episodes can be found here.  The entire anthology can be purchased at Amazon.

Derby Rumblings

  • Kentucky Derby coverage in Louisville started just about the time most of the folks who celebrated the Kentucky Oaks last night were prying their bloodshot eyes open and trying to figure out what happened to their pants.
    • The local coverage wasn’t too bad, but I’ve been advised by legal counsel not to comment on the folks NBC sent to Louisville.  What I have to say might be considered a hate crime.
  • It’s been raining off and on all day.  Racing officials have changed the track conditions from “sloppy” to “snorkel”.
    • Looking at the conditions, track veterinarians have decided that the biggest risk to the horses today is trenchfoot.
  • Irish Woman broke out the funny money to teach Boo about odds, win/place/show, and how much it sucks when you take the grocery money to the track.
    • Apparently, it’s a family tradition.  Her uncle, the Jesuit priest, used to take her to Churchill Downs all the time.
  • One of the local news critters says that people at the Derby will consume approximately 60 barrels worth of Woodford Reserve bourbon today.  That’s only slightly more alcohol than the average Army division consumes after it returns from its latest deployment.
  • By 3 PM, I was ready to send Boo to stand out in the rain until he stopped singing “My Old Kentucky Home”.
    • It’s a beautiful song, but I am sick unto death of it.
  • Irish Woman has announced that she wishes to attend the Derby next year.  If I start auctioning off redundant organs now, I’ll only have to take out one additional mortgage to make this happen.
  • The roses for the winner were carried and escorted across the track by Navy folks in their summer whites.
    • Nothing says “military logic” like having a bunch of folks walk across a muddy, nasty horse track in clothing that has to be perfectly white in order to be worn.
  • The Irish gentleman who is here with Mendelssohn is looking around as if he were thinking “Look at all those drunk bastards!”.  That says a lot.
  • The horses and jockeys looked so clean when they left the paddock, but that didn’t last long.
    • If Audible can get in on this, Tide should be able to really get their advertising hooks even deeper.
  • We decided to get a treat for dinner from Claudia Sanders tonight.  I have never been so loved as when I ran the feline gauntlet between the truck and the house.

Musings

  • Contrary to popular belief, I am not allowed to ask a Cub Scout, who is advancing from one den to the next, if he would like ‘Blood Rank’.
  • We took Boo to Churchill Downs this morning before school.
    • He got to see the sunrise over the haze wafting up from the city, the Derby and Oaks horses getting their morning exercise, and his father before coffee.
    • Speaking of which, I’m refraining from commenting on the coffee the Downs serves its paying customers.  I may be old and weak myself someday.
  • Another idea flew across my mind today: The tale of a mysterious stranger who walks into a North Dakota town during a February blizzard.  He brings with him an iron will, a fast gun hand, and a coffeecake.  He is… High Plains Lutheran.
    • It’s ideas like this that kept me out of the officer ranks.
  • How many calories does chasing your tail, or a wild goose, burn per hour?
    • If I have many more days like I did today, I’m going to be back to my ideal weight in no time.

Musings

  • I’m about to make the characters in the three stories I’m trying to write an offer they can’t refuse.
    • Either their dialogue or their brains are going to be on the written page by the time I’m done.
    • I can be their best friend and let them live happily ever after, or I can be a real mean sumbich.
  • I have been informed that I am not allowed to heckle while watching a mini-series about the Bible.
  • It’s not often that I can pinpoint, years later, the exact person who messed up and the exact moment they demonstrated their incompetence, but when I can, it is oh, so very satisfying.

Escort Duty – Part 18

Erika sat on the windowsill, wrapped in a bed sheet, enjoying the cool evening breeze. She was clean for the first time in weeks, and while her dress was dirty, and to be honest, stunk, a night hanging out in the air would do it wonders.

Another bowl of stew and a good stiff drink will do me wonders, she thought as she listened for Greta to return. She heard the stairs creak, and turned to face the door. The sound of heavy boots on the landing brought her heart to her mouth. She froze for a moment as she heard a hand work the latch on the door, then she moved quickly to hide.

A black-clad soldier burst through the door, followed by his partner, who still gripped Greta by the arm. The room was empty except for the bed and small table in one corner.

“Where is she?” The first soldier roared, kicking the bed over.

Greta looked around anxiously, but no sign of her mistress was to be found. The soldier holding her wrenched her arm badly, spinning her around to face him.

“If you’ve lied to me, girl, it’ll go worse for you,” he growled.

“I swear, I don’t know!” she cried in fear and pain. Her shoulder screamed as the soldier twisted it. He bared his teeth, pulling the small woman’s face close to his.

“Where did she go?” he demanded, spittle flying from his lips he spoke.

The other soldier walked to the window, and looked down at the yard below. Seeing nothing, he looked to either side. A wide smile came to his face as he extended his arm through the window.

“My lady, please, take my hand,” he said with false gentleness, “It would be a shame for you to slip and fall so far.”

Erika, who held to the stone gutter by her fingers, glared at the man for a moment before she reached up and took the offered hand. The soldier gripped her wrist tightly, and lifted her back through the window.

Erika straightened and adjusted the bed sheet covering her body after the soldier set her down on the floor. She gave him her most petulant look, saying, “How dare you bother me in such a manner? And how dare you abuse my servant?”

The soldier bowed, saying “Princess, we expected to see you sooner. Duke Kyrali has sent orders to watch for you, and that you are to be brought to him so that he may show you hospitality worthy of your station.”

“You mean he means to hold me for ransom, or worse.”

“I am but his servant, my lady,” the soldier replied, “Now, if you’ll come with us, we’ll get you to the Duke tonight.”

Erika turned to walk through the door, but then lashed out with her foot, kicking the soldier in the knee. He bellowed in pain as his leg folded underneath him. Her bare feet pounded on the wooden floor as she rushed for the door.

The soldier holding Greta reached out with his free hand and snatched the princess by the hair as she ran past. Her head wrenched back, and she lost her footing, landing hard on the floor. Greta screeched as she clawed at the soldier’s face, leaving long, bloody marks on his cheek.

The soldier roared in pain, throwing Greta to the floor. Erika stood again, pulling out a few strands of hair as she shook herself loose. The other soldier regained his feet, lunging at her, and catching the edge of the sheet as she ran through the doorway. Erika screamed as she felt him hold her back, and she kicked at her attacker, trying to break loose.

Greta regained her feet and jumped on the soldier’s back, pounding at his head with her fists. The second soldier, one of his eyes blinded with blood dripping from his wounds, drew his dagger and drove it into the maid’s back.

Time seemed to stand still as Erika saw the blade plunge into Greta. The princess watched as her maid stopped her attack when the pain hit her. Greta opened her mouth as if to scream, but no sound came came from her, as she looked into her mistress’ eyes in shock.

The soldier pulled his dagger from the young woman’s back with a twist, and kicked her in the ribs. Greta fell into a heap on the floor, a pool of blood slowly spreading out from under her. The two soldiers grabbed Erika by the arms, pulling her kicking and screaming down the stairs.

“Greta!” she screamed, “Greta!”


Other episodes can be found here.  The entire anthology can be purchased at Amazon.

Musings

  • You know you’ve had a touch too much caffeine on the drive home when “Seven Seas of Rhye” seems to have the same tempo as “The Blue Danube“.
    • On a side note, a Meatloaf song is good for about 30 miles of driving on the Interstate on a dark and stormy night.
  • If you’re going to get snooty to me about waiting for something to get done, you really ought to examine why you’re having to wait.  Odds are, it’s you.
  • I’ve finally reached the point in my IT career that “Read the Fantastic Manual” is starting to become my default answer to non-newbie people.
  • New house rule – Any Easter candy left in the house when Kentucky Derby rolls around is going to be left out for the garden gnomes.
  • Saturday, it was shorts weather and we mowed the grass for the first time.  Today, it was twenty degrees cooler and raining.
    • Whoever is doing the weather conjuring needs to get drug tested.