Barack Obama is so arrogant that when Gozer the Gozerian asks him if he’s a god, he answers in a way that doesn’t result in him being yelled at by his co-workers.
Thought for the Day
Posted by daddybear71 on June 20, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/06/20/thought-for-the-day-151/
Thought for the Day
Tonight at the grocery store I worked on a new skill. Unfortunately my new ability to kill with my mind is still very underdeveloped. I think the best I did was make a woman in the produce section have a slight itch on her neck, but I’ll keep practicing.
Posted by daddybear71 on June 19, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/06/19/thought-for-the-day-150/
You can’t make this stuff up
Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves:
“An octopus got the joyride of its life last week when it somehow became stuck on the belly of a bottlenose dolphin in the Ionian Sea. More specifically, the tentacled sea creature had a seat on the dolphin’s genital slit.”
Where do we begin?
- Was the octopus new and just trying to be friendly or was this a case of “Grab ’em by the gonads and hold on until you get your way”?
- What exactly was going through the dolphin’s head when it first felt an octopus grabbing onto its naughty bits?
- How exactly does a dolphin get an octopus off its naughty bits? This might be one of the best arguments for the utility of an opposable thumb I’ve ever seen.
- If we assume this was a male dolphin, will he always be known as Old Octopus Sack? Come on, guys won’t let this one go for anything.
This is definitely not something I expect to see in The Little Mermaid IV: The Search for Menopause.
Posted by daddybear71 on June 19, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/06/19/you-cant-make-this-stuff-up/
30 Days of the Founding Fathers – Day 16
Besides the advantage of being armed, which the Americans possess over the people of almost every other nation, the existence of subordinate governments, to which the people are attached, and by which the militia officers are appointed, forms a barrier against the enterprises of ambition, more insurmountable than any which a simple government of any form can admit of. Notwithstanding the military establishments in the several kingdoms of Europe, which are carried as far as the public resources will bear, the governments are afraid to trust the people with arms. — James Madison
My Take – President Madison just made the best case for the Second Amendment and the separation of State and Federal power that I’ve ever heard. The federal government ought to be as small as we can get away with, with as much power as possible pushed as far down the chain of federal-state-county-local as we possibly can. All of them ought to have a healthy respect for a population with not only the inclination to oppose them, but the tools necessary to resist them.
Posted by daddybear71 on June 19, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/06/19/30-days-of-the-founding-fathers-day-16/
News Roundup
- From the “Campus Visit” Department – A small black bear recently took a tour of a school in Alaska. A door had been left open for a construction crew, and the little guy just wandered right on in. Reports are that he helped himself to some school food, which leads me to believe that things must be pretty lean in the woods up in Alaska. The bear is also reported to have urinated in the hallway of the school, but let’s be honest here. How many of us can say that we’ve never heard of a human doing the same thing at one time or another? The bear ran off when staff frightened it, and has not been seen again.
- From the “Adults Behaving Badly” Department – It’s a three-way tie for the “DaddyBear Parent of the Week Award” this time, campers. Our first contestant is a father in Georgia who is being charged with murder and child cruelty. Authorities maintain that he put vodka in his 4-month-old daughter’s bottle, which led to her death. His lawyer says that “Everything isn’t always what it seems”, so I guess her defense will revolve around the vodka gnomes spiriting the spirits into the formula while the man’s back was turned. Next up we have a couple in Georgia who are accused with child cruelty after police say they let a 4-year-old girl suffer for several days after she shot herself in the abdomen with a gun she found in their hotel room. Now, I’ve caught a stray piece of buckshot, and that hurt like a mother. I don’t know how much being ‘grazed’ by a pistol shot at contact range must hurt, but my guess is “a lot” doesn’t cover it. These two are accused of letting a little girl suffer for two days before a family member called in the authorities. How about we shoot them in the stomach and leave them in a hotel room for a weekend and see how they like it? Finally, we have a nice couple from Illinois who had car trouble in Kansas, left two young children tied up and blindfolded next to their car in a department store parking lot, and left three older children locked in the car while the mother went in to shop. Now, I’ve lived in the Mid-West in the heat of the summer, and you don’t leave a dog in the car while you run errands, much less stake out a couple of kindergarteners on the blacktop while you leave the teenagers to bake in the backseat. Both of the ‘adults’ involved have been arrested, and the children’s guardian angels must have been working overtime, because not only are they alive, but they’re being put into foster care over the incident. Guys, is it just me, or is the “Stupid People Hurting Their Kids” category of the news getting mighty crowded lately?
- From the “Cry me a @#$!@#! River, Sweetheart” Department – A 49 year old man, who admits to deserting the United States Air Force in 1984 because he didn’t like President Reagan’s policies, now wants to be able to come back and visit his parents. I say let him. Of course, I think he ought to be met at his port of entry by two of the ugliest Air Force S.P.’s they can find, who will then introduce him to his cell mate at the nearest disciplinary barracks, but that’s just me. Hey, brain-dead, the correct way to express displeasure with your commander-in-chief is to not re-enlist, not walk away from your unit to go to the land of good booze and leggy blondes. I’m sure the people you left behind in Augsburg appreciated the security sweeps, extra scrutiny, and extended workload your little trip north cost them. Putz.
- From the “Dumbass” Department – We’re all familiar by now with George Zimmermann, the man in Florida who shot and killed a teenager, claimed self-defense, and is at the center of a maelstrom of press and political hyperbole. He is back in jail after the $150,000.00 bail in his second-degree murder case was revoked. In addition, his wife is being charged with perjury after it came to light that she wasn’t exactly truthful in discussing the family finances and the amount of money in a legal defense fund. It seems they were busted when authorities took a listen to recordings of their conversations over jail telephones. Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: The phones in a jail are not there for your convenience. They are there as an evidence gathering tool. Quit. Using. Them. If you need to get a message to your wife, mother, bookie, or poker buddies, send it through your lawyer. Of course, you shouldn’t be lieing in court, but that ought to go without saying.
- From the “Unintended Consequences” Department – Hey, President Obama, you betrayed a long-standing ally in a supremely strategic location, allowing his regime to fall and be replaced by a the political arm of a terrorist organization that has turned out some of the vilest murderers our world has seen in generations! Now, instead of a stable border between Egypt and Israel, along with problem-free access to the Suez Canal for us and our allies, we have a hostile regime who will use their new power to hurt us any way they can. After all that, are you going to Disneyland? No? Oh, you’re going golfing again. Well, have a good time, Mr. President! The rest of us will be back here in the real world, trying to figure out how to keep the wheels on for just a few months longer.
Posted by daddybear71 on June 19, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/06/19/news-roundup-127/
Today’s Earworm
You are welcome.
Posted by daddybear71 on June 18, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/06/18/todays-earworm-173/
DaddyBear’s Advice Column
Today we begin a new feature, DaddyBear’s Advice Column. I will take requests from figures in the news for advice, and try to ‘help’ them with their problems. Enjoy!
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Dear DaddyBear,
I am a middle-aged woman living in the Carolina’s. A few years ago, I met a man while working for his organization, and we hit it off. Eventually, it became a physical and emotional relationship, and we had a child together, a beautiful baby daughter. Unfortunately, he was married at the time and was trying to reach a very important personal goal, so he couldn’t publicly acknowledge either of us. He asked me to keep our relationship and the paternity of our child a secret, and I tried to comply. We even took the extreme measure of having one of his subordinates claim to be our daughter’s father. As it often does, the truth eventually came out, and he was publicly shamed in the press for cheating on his wife, who was dealing with cancer, and going to extremes to hide the truth. It even got to the point that the government prosecuted him because he was accused of taking money from his organization to pay child support and living expenses to me.
Now that his wife has died, he and I are still friendly, and I hope to raise our child with him. What concerns me is that I recently found out that he lied to me when he told me he had never cheated on his wife until he met and fell in love with me. He has admitted that he had two previous affairs, but maintains that he will never cheat on me. I have forgiven him for his failure to be truthful with me, but I wonder if I was too gullible when we were in our relationship. What do you think?
Thanks!
R from North Carolina
Dear R,
Yes, I think you were too gullible when you were hooking up with a married, lieing, philandering snake of an ambulance chaser, you psycho harpy of a hosebeast. What did you think when you started sniffing around a married man who either initiated said sniffing or quickly reciprocated? Did you really believe that in all your loveliness that you could easily drag a man out of the marital bed and that he had no experience at all in doing such things? Didn’t the “Man From Uncle” security arrangements and secrecy he accomplished so adroitly clue you in to the fact that he had a little experience in this sort of thing? Are you so completely vacuous that it never occurred to you that he was too good at cheating for this to be his maiden voyage into the seas of adultery?
I’m glad that you two lovebirds have been able to work things out now that you’ve brought a child into this pathetic pot of goo and his wife has died a slow death. I hope for her sake that she was able to get over the fact that while she was getting a chemotherapy injection you were getting a DNA injection. I also hope that your child never learns the sordid manner in which you created her. Doing so might do irreparable damage to her psyche. I mean, who wants to know that she is the product of an adulterous relationship between a scummy politician and a convenient bedwarmer that happened while his wife was taking a final walk to the grave?
One final thought and then I’m done with you, R. Are you so naive to think that your sweetie has never cheated on you? You already admit that he cheated on his wife before he met you and that he engenders so much loyalty in his staff that one of them was willing to claim paternity over your daughter to save his boss embarrassment. Heck, he didn’t even acknowledge your daughter until both of you were on the cover of the National Enquirer, for heaven’s sake. How can you be sure that when he’s not in your direct line of vision, he’s not off chasing the latest shiny thing into a scuzzy hotel room somewhere and his ‘people’ aren’t covering for him again? I’ll leave you with that image and wish you a long, anxiety and guilt ridden life.
Cheers,
DaddyBear
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Posted by daddybear71 on June 18, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/06/18/daddybears-advice-column/
30 Days of the Founding Fathers – Day 15
Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.– George Washington
My Take – How far is it from campaign contribution to quid pro quo? Our electoral system is awash in money, and it has a corrosive effect on our republic. How we deal with that has been the subject of long winded and pointed debate for decades, and I don’t have a good answer. If we restrict how much money can be donated to a candidate or cause, we restrict the free speech of the donor. But if we don’t find a way to keep deep pockets from buying our politicians, we risk devolving into an oligarchy where only the rich get a real voice.
Posted by daddybear71 on June 18, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/06/18/30-days-of-the-founding-fathers-day-15/
Thoughts on the Weekend
- Getting up at 5 AM on a Saturday to go blueberry picking had best be the first step toward a batch or two of blueberry pancakes or muffins, or there will be one surly DaddyBear walking around on Sunday.
- My wife is a genius. She dressed Boo in a day-glo green shirt to go berry picking. That way we could find him against the dark green of the bushes and grass when he decided his foraging would be better accomplished two rows over.
- I’m pretty sure that if Boo had eaten one more blueberry at the farm, he would have re-enacted one of my favorite scenes from Willy Wonka.
- As mentioned yesterday, Boo got his first bowcaster. Interestingly enough, he got it from his mother. I am saving up to buy him his own miniature Wookie suit.
- A Catholic Parish Picnic and Carnival in Southern Indiana is a lot like a small bierfest in Bavaria, complete with games and a beer tent.
- Of course, the Biermadchen at the church didn’t show as much cleavage as she would have if she was wearing a drindel.
- Forgetting to take my arthritis medication on a day when I am going to be up and walking around for 12 hours straight wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done.
- The offer to sleep in on Father’s Day meant being unconscious until 6:37 AM. Hoopla!
- I shouldn’t complain about the coffee at the IHOP. I may be old and weak someday too.
- The look on Girlie Bear’s face when I said that if she keeps her nose clean and the minivan lasts that long, then she could take it to college was priceless. I think she was hoping to get the sporty little thing that Irish Woman drives. Instead she shall get the noble steed, SilverRust, the minivan guaranteed to make her uncool.
- Flexibility is important. Torrential pop-up rainstorms means grilling steaks over charcoal turned into steaks grilled on a cast iron griddle.
Posted by daddybear71 on June 17, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/06/17/thoughts-on-the-weekend-11/
Father’s Day 2012
Today is the day that Hallmark Cards thinks we ought to do what we ought to do all the time: tell the good men who raised us that we appreciate it.
Yesterday, we gave Irish Woman’s Hoosier Dad a card from the kids and made sure he knew how important he was to us. He and Hoosier Mom ‘adopted’ Irish Woman when she came home with one of their daughters and needed a little parenting and acceptance. She kept coming back, and now she’s counted among the kids.
Hoosier Dad is one of the good ones, and I’m beginning to believe he’s also among the majority of good men who recognize their responsibilities and don’t find a way to get away from them.
So if you’re one of those dads, good on ya. Enjoy your day and the new tie.
Posted by daddybear71 on June 17, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/06/17/fathers-day-2012/
DaddyBear
DaddyBear’s Den 