Me – Did you do the thing?
Them – Yes, I did the thing.
Me, a couple hours later, with definitive proof that they did not, in fact, do the thing – Why isn’t the thing done?
Them, after some silence on the line – Well, doing the thing was hard and boring. Why don’t you get someone else to do the thing?
Me, getting The Voice out and polishing it a bit – Because everyone else is doing their own things
Them, now sounding offended – But I don’t know how to do the thing. Nobody taught me how to do the thing.
Me – You’ve been doing the thing, incorrectly, for a decade. And here’s the email I sent you with instructions my cat could have followed for doing the thing. Just do the thing and it will be done.
Them, now defensive – Why do we have to do the thing? Nobody wants to do the thing.
Me, now with both The Voice and two drops of Retsin – The thing needs to be done, it needs to be done right, and if you don’t do the thing right, the people who pay you to do the thing are going to be angry.
Them – Well, I’ll try to do the thing sometime next week. I’ve got other things I need to do.
Me – Name them.
Them – What?
Me – What are the other things you have to do now?
Them – Well, you know, just.. things.
Me – You not doing the thing correctly, right now, is stopping me and other people from doing other things that need to be done.
Them – So? Those aren’t my things to do.
Me – Just do the thing. Now.
Them – Why are you so mean? I mean, I’ll try now, but I’ll just break things.
Me, trying to remember why I got into this line of work – If you break things, you will fix even more things.
Them – But I’m getting off work in an hour or two.
Me – The thing takes 20 minutes if you do it right, and it’s only just now past lunch. Do. The. Thing.
Them, now really out of sorts that someone would tell, not ask, not cajole, not bribe, them to do the thing – Alright, alright, I’ll do the thing, but when it breaks, it’s your problem.
Other Them, 15 minutes later – Hey, the thing is broken.
First Them – You see? I told you. Now the thing is broken and it’s your fault for making me touch it.
Me, giving my monitor the migraine salute – Did you do the thing the way I told you to?
Them – No, I did the thing the way I wanted to. Now it’s broken. Listen, I gotta run. Just fix the thing and let me know if there’s anything I can do to help out when I get back tomorrow.
The sound of someone abruptly ending an electronic conversation and disappearing back to whatever realm they go to when they’re not on the clock.
Me, beating head against desk, trying to make the hurting stop – This is why we can’t have nice things!
DaddyBear’s Den 
OldNFO
/ June 17, 2020Somebody needs to be fired… Just sayin…
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daddybear71
/ June 18, 2020I decline to comment based upon the need to continue to collect paychecks.
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TXRed
/ June 19, 2020Admin: Why didn’t you check in the e-mail account you don’t have access to?
Me: Because I don’t have access to it.
Admin: That’s no excuse! All the deadlines and reminders and instructions were posted in the e-mail you don’t have access to, so you’re on the bad-person list.
Me: [Contemplating asking friend for secret to Force-choking beaucracy through internet, or at least Force-cluebatting them.] . . .
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Drang
/ June 19, 2020That’s some unionized government job level of intransigence.
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John D
/ June 19, 2020Some people are alive only because the paperwork required to kill them outweighs the benefits
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Mad Jack
/ June 22, 2020Before I read this I was feeling a bit blue. No real reason, just kind of down in the dumps. Then I read your missive, and I am Sooooooooo glad that I’m retired.
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daddybear71
/ June 22, 2020I’ve got 5 and a half years to go, then it’s time to go do something else. Not that I’m counting.
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