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Travel Rumblings

  • When we all get together to take a trip on the big silver sky taxi, we, by definition, all have somewhere to be.
    • Taking fifteen minutes to find your seat, stow your things, sit down, make friends with the folks around you, strap in, unstrap in, retrieve your electronic thingie, binkie, and blankie, and then strap back in, is a black-letter law justification for keelhauling.
  • The row and seat numbers are in an easily deduced pattern.  Also, the airline has gone to the trouble and expense to put up little signs to help out those who never passed that part of kindergarten.  Please, for the sake of our sanity and your own safety, learn to use them.
  • Sitting/laying down in the main walkway of a gate seating area in order to do stretching/yoga/walrus-in-rut impersonations for half an hour may or may not help your bad back.  It will definitely make me wish your bones would start to spontaneously snap into small, easily digested pieces.
  • If you are giving your pre-teen children a sugary coffee drink five minutes before getting on a small aircraft, I hope that, someday, your children put you into a substandard nursing home built on an abandoned graveyard.
    • Now, I may not be the best parent on Earth, Lord knows.  But I’m pretty sure that letting little Susie and Bobby watch “The Purge” during a flight might not be the best decision you could have made.
  • If the first-class passengers aren’t routinely asked to remove their shoes, belt, electronics, and dignity when going through airport screening, then there’s probably no good reason for everyone else to do it.
  • Showing up to your job serving coffee to folks in an airport on a Sunday morning when you either dropped acid right before work or you’re still coming down from the night before is not cool.
    • Seriously, her pupils were the same shape, size, and color as a shot of espresso.
    • She was, of course, pleasant.  Most stoned folks are.  She just wasn’t very efficient.
    • It took her five minutes to take my order for a coffee, large, one each, then about another three to find the cup, then find the coffee, then fill the cup, then remember to turn around and hand it to me.  I had to remind her to swipe my credit card before handing it back to me.
  • If it takes two flight attendants, a quarter pound of bacon grease, a come-along, and rhythmic drumming by the co-pilot to get your My Little Pony carry-on into the overhead bin, then maybe you should have let your mommy pack for you.
  • Riding your motorcycles four abreast, thereby taking up both lanes of traffic, does not make you rebels without a cause.  It makes you a bunch of douchebags.
  • I’m guilty of forgetting that Nissan put their gas tanks on the wrong side of the car, thereby causing me to have to pull out of a fueling area in Fergus Falls, Minnesota, and turn around at 1:30 AM on a Sunday night.
    • Pointing this out and laughing at me does not help the situation.
    • From the look on your wife’s face, she thought you were an asshole, too.
  • There are fewer things I want to hear after getting home from a long trip than hearing Irish Woman ask “Honey, do you know where my camera is?”
    • In related news, the hotel, airline, and rental car company all had “I lost my stuff” links on their websites.
Previous Post

6 Comments

  1. MaddMedic

     /  July 10, 2018

    Well that sounds like a heck of an adventure…And you point out why I don’t get in any damn airplane quite well…I’d have to be sedated quite well beforehand…

  2. “Riding your motorcycles four abreast, thereby taking up both lanes of traffic, does not make you rebels without a cause. It makes you a bunch of douchebags.”

    It also makes you prime candidates for tailgating, sudden honks, and similar obnoxiousness. Riding like a douche frequently causes others to drive in the same manner. They can survive the consequences. You can’t.

  3. OldNFO

     /  July 12, 2018

    But the important part is you made it back! 🙂

  4. Roy

     /  July 15, 2018

    For future reference. The next time you are in a strange car and need to refuel, look at the gas gauge. There is a little icon of a gas pump. Next to it there will be a little arrow pointing to whichever side of the car the gas tank filler is on.

    • I remembered to do that precisely three quarters of a second after I pulled into the gas station that night.

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