• Archives

  • Topics

  • Meta

  • Coming Home
  • Quest To the North
  • Via Serica
  • Tales of the Minivandians
  • Join the NRA

    Join the NRA!

DaddyBear’s Debate

Guys, I tried to watch the debates the other night, I really did.  I just couldn’t get through it.  We need to be informed voters, but this debate format just isn’t cutting it.

So, being the creative Internet crank that I am, I’m proposing a solution:  Let’s have another debate, but with better rules.

  1. In order to participate, candidates must poll 10.0% or greater on the ABC News / Washington Post poll taken closest to the debate.
  2. There will be no under-card debate. Make the cut or go home and watch hockey.
  3. All candidates must blow a .08% or more on a breathalyzer test at the start of the debate.  Those who refuse to drink alcohol are not invited to the debate.
  4. Each candidate must take a 1 ounce shot of 100 proof grain alcohol before they answer a question.
  5. Any candidate who interrupts another candidate or the moderator must take two 1 ounce shots after they are told to shut up.
  6. Each candidate will be given 60 seconds to respond to a question.  Candidates will  remove one article of clothing for every 15 seconds they go over.  Refusal to do so will cause their ejection from the debate hall.
  7. After a candidate has removed all of their clothing, the moderator will be allowed to shoot them with a paintball gun for every 15 seconds they go over their allotted time.
  8. Candidates may not use their podiums or other candidates to take cover when shot with a paintball gun.
  9. Candidates that get sick will be asked to leave the debate.
  10. Candidates that pass out will be propped up on their podium and will have their questions, illustrated as necessary, written on their skin in permanent marker by the candidate to their right.
  11. Insults and fisticuffs will not be broken up.
  12. Medical personnel with oxygen masks and hydration IV’s will be available both during the debate and for 24 hours afterward.  Use of their services during the debate signals that a candidate no longer wants to participate.
  13. The debate goes on until only one candidate is still able to respond to questions.

I think that as the event goes on, the answers will be better. We’ll finally be able to see what these people really think and how they can do with a few drinks under their belt.  I’m not worried about the “3 AM” call.  Anybody can make a decision after 30 seconds of adrenaline.  I’m worried about the call that comes in when the President has had a really crappy day and decides to throw a few back.

Previous Post
Next Post

2 Comments

  1. “6 Each candidate will be given 60 seconds to respond to a question. Candidates will remove one article of clothing for every 15 seconds they go over. Refusal to do so will cause their ejection from the debate hall.”

    And, in the most literal sense of the word “ejection.”

%d bloggers like this: