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Snippet

Apparently, pain management knocks things loose. Put this together in 20 minutes of furious typing the other night.

“First time?”
I looked up. The state trooper, complete with Stetson and mirrored sunglasses, was giving me a half smile while he scanned the crowd.
“First time up here.” I nodded at the crowd across the track from us. “Used to be all I could afford was the infield.”
“Millionaire’s Row’s better duty. Not as much fun, but at least folks tend to keep their clothes on.”
I nodded. We had our backs to two columns supporting the floor to ceiling windows that allowed the rich-but-not-that-rich to see out during races. My principal was at the bottom of the set of three landings, his prodigious gut against the railing and his arm around his ‘companion’. I have to giver her credit. She looked almost interested in whatever he was pointing at and babbling about.
“I can see that,” I replied. “Guess you’ve done this before.”
“Yep. Tenth year, matter of fact.” He stopped for a second to listen to something in his earpiece. “Some darned fool just decided to get ugly with that nice young lady checking ID at the top of the escalator.”
“And how did that go?” I checked my principal again, then scanned the dozen or so other people out on the veranda.
“About as well as you’d expect. My partner’s taking them downstairs to the nearest exit.”
“Not arrested? I thought y’all had a zero-tolerance thing for nonsense these days.”
“We do, but the Downs doesn’t want the fuss. Better to escort them off property than to have something happen in front of Gawd and everybody.” He spoke with just a touch of Eastern Kentucky in his voice. I would have bet a lot of money that it got more pronounced when he was either angry or had a few nips of bourbon in him.
We stood in silence, me keeping an eye on today’s employer, him just watching the crowd in general. As we watched, folks started filtering out of the dining room behind us and out to watch the race.
“Always this crazy?”
“Saturday’s gonna be worse,” he drawled. With a rueful smile, he added, “Friday used to be for the locals, but now it’s just Derby Eve.”
“Yep, kids still get the day off, but I don’t know too many who come out for all this.”
“That so? Used to get Oaks off too, back in the day.” He nodded his head toward the infield. “Mama used to make a picnic lunch and we’d camp out there in the first turn. I remember everybody doing a bit of drinking, but it wasn’t as crazy as all this.”
As we watched, somebody wearing nothing but a smile heaved themselves up onto a set of portable toilets and then hopped down the double row of gray huts. They were careful to cave in each and every roof as they went. A couple of troopers and a National Guard MP met them at the end of the line and caught them as they took a swan dive toward the nearest mud puddle.
“It’s not just them down there,” I observed. I tilted my head back toward the dining room. “Folks up here been getting pretty juiced all day.”
“Yup,” he agreed. His voiced dropped a bit as a group of men in suits and women in hats came out and made their way down the steps. “Just costs a few thousand a head up here, and the booze comes from a bit higher on the shelf.”
The call to post sounded over the loudspeakers, and the noise level came up just a tad as people in the stands either moved to make a final bet or rushed to get back to their seat in time.
The door between us opened, and a tall brunette dressed in what was probably the minimum amount of fabric a woman could wear and still say she was wearing a dress stepped out. An older man, wearing a suit that probably cost more than my truck, walked behind her. She wobbled a bit on tall heels, but had that focus that only the truly inebriated exhibit.
The man called out to her as she headed down the steps, and I caught sight of a stack of gold-plated julep glasses held tightly to her bosom. I’d heard one of the waiters telling a patron that they were $1000 apiece, but proceeds went to some charity and you got to take the cup home with you. Apparently, the gentleman trying to grab the brunette’s arm either thought that was a bargain or was a true philanthropist. She was carrying about $10,000 worth of glasses stacked up like souvenir beer cups from a football game.
“Eyes front,” the trooper growled mischievously.
I snorted, but got my head back in the game. The crowd on the veranda got thicker, but were quite congenial as the ushers made sure everyone was on the level they had paid for. The loudspeaker blared every so often, then I heard the crowd roar as the race started.
Both of us kept our eyes on the crowd up on our level, as well as what we could see of the infield. My employer was jumping up and down hard enough that I had a brief worry that he’d go over the side and drag the young lady whose arm he had a grip on over with him.
His horse must have won, because he let out a whoop loud enough to be heard over the rest of the crowd. Immediately, he turned and made a beeline up the steps, waving his ticket. I caught sight of his companion rolling her eyes as she leaned back on the railing to wait for the crowd to thin.
Unfortunately for my employer, the brunette chose that exact moment to wobble out onto the stairs. I was pushing off from the column when they collided. She screeched as her ankle turned, then fell to her knees on the concrete. He at least had the presence of mind to keep her from hitting her head on a step by falling on his butt to give her a place to land. They ended up in a heap on the first landing.
Those ten or so souvenir cups, on the other hand, had no such luck. They rang like hand bells as they bounced down the steps to land against the railing.
By the time the trooper and I got through the jumble of drunks gathering around my principal and the unlucky woman, he had popped back up to his feet and was looking around furiously for his betting stub.
“You OK?” I demanded, grabbing him by the arm and yanking him up a couple of steps.
“I’m fine!” he replied angrily. “Stupid bitch almost took us both all the way down.” He peered at the steps, then laughed in triumph. “There it is.”
Before I could stop him, he hopped back down, narrowly missing the woman’s leg with his Italian loafers. He scooped a scrap of paper up from the floor, then scanned it.
“Yep, this is it!” he crowed. His date slid up beside him. With one arm around her middle, he started up the steps. “Almost dropped fifty grand there.”
I guess he hit on a pretty big bet, then.
I should have followed him up the steps, but without thinking, I reached down to help the trooper pull the young woman up. She was sitting there, looking at the tears in her dress and sobbing. Long streaks of mascara left long tracks in her thick make-up as she surveyed the dented remains of her souvenirs.
“We got ya, miss,” the trooper soothed. “Let’s just get you back to your table and we’ll have someone come check you out.”
Gently, he grasped her wrist and hauled her up as quickly as modesty would permit. There wasn’t much of her dress in the first place, and it wasn’t designed for the stresses that falling on her butt had put on it. One of the older gentlemen waiting for the steps to clear swept his suit coat off and offered it to her. She accepted it between sobs and pulled it over her shoulders.
I reached for her other arm to help her up the steps, then saw three parallel lines tattooed on the inside of her forearm. They were partially obscured with make-up, but all the fuss had wiped most of that off.
It was the same tattoo the teenage boy someone had found frozen to the grass in Dixie Cemetery had worn. It was the same mark from the toddler’s body Doctor Svoboda had showed me.
Now, I had a live woman with the mark.
“You got comms to the command center?” I asked. My tone must have changed, because the trooper shot me a look.
“Yep,” he replied. His eyes scanned the crowd around us, not knowing why I was concerned.
“I need a couple of folks up here immediately to watch this girl, and I need somebody from human trafficking up here ASAP.” I lifted my chin toward the man who had followed her out onto the veranda. He hadn’t waited for his companion to get sorted out. Instead, he was waiting to get through the door and back to the dining room.
“You’re gonna want to have someone talk to him, too.”

Rumblings

Stuck in the hospital waiting room while the morning ‘news’ is on the TV.

They’ve sent someone to Morocco for some disaster tourism with a side of suffering voyeurism. Dude, every molecule of fuel, food, and water you waste for your vapid reportage is one less that could be used to do something useful. Put down the camera and pick up a shovel.

Flooding in Libya got about a minute of the same shot of a river of orange mud running between buildings. Nobody on site, so it must still be somewhat hazardous. I expect to see breathless reporting from the scene as soon as the bars and resorts open back up.

In contrast, the flooding in Boston got precisely 34 seconds of “Hey, the streets flooded, here’s a shot of a fire truck. Now to the weather girl to vapor lock over a hurricane that may or may not hit that area later this week. Here’s a bowl of spaghetti we’re calling a proposed storm track.”

The North Korean leader is on an armored train to Moscow, because you can’t randomly shoot peasants from an airplane. He’s reported to be going to make an arms deal with Russia, which shows just how low the Rodina has fallen when it comes to ammunition quality and quantity. Everyone seems shocked that dictators might help each other dictate. “North Korea will pay a price”. Dude, if letting literally millions of his people starve to death isn’t a deterrent and you’re not willing to bomb his stone-age country back to the, well, stone-age, not sure what price you expect them to pay.

They’ve gotten a ‘cave explorer’ out of that hole he got stuck in.
While I’m glad he’s OK, one has to ask why we are robbing future archeologists and anthropologists of the opportunity to discover a mysterious mummy buried deep inside the earth.

Musings

  • Irish Woman has been canning. So far, we have apple sauce, apple-bourbon pie jam, baked apples, strawberry jam, cherry-lime jam, pineapple jam, mandarin-pineapple jam, peach jam, cherries, fruit cocktail, peaches, pineapple,and pickles.
    • Come the apocalypse, I’m going to be OK when it comes to vitamins and electrolytes. Just need to stock up on more peanut butter.
  • Went to the woods this weekend to help with the Boy Scouts. The Young Prince is putting the finishing touches on getting his Life scout rank, and I think teaching knife safety this weekend was the last thing he needed. Now for Eagle.
  • Not sure why, but I always sleep better in a tent on a cot than I ever do in a real bed.
  • Had some time yesterday at camp, and decided to try my hand at something I haven’t done since I was in Scouts myself – lashing. Put together a nice little side table for the campfire out of twigs and bailing twine. Yeah, it wobbles a bit, but not bad for the first time in 40 years.
  • Broke down and bought myself a hammock the other week. There’s just something nice about being suspended between heaven and earth, letting the breeze gently rock you back and forth, feeling all relaxed until the dog launches herself at you and lands on your sternum.
  • I’ll be going under the knife again this week. This time, the arthritis has caused several toes on each foot to do things not covered under the manufacturers warrantee. Doctor Bonesaw will be removing a knuckle on each of three toes on both feet.
    • Recovery is 4 to 6 weeks, which is just enough time for me to get into the Halloween spirit as a bear with two sore feet.

Today’s Earworm

Airplane Announcement

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to FAFO Airlines flight 1323, offering a direct flight between Yakima and Savannah.

Our flight crew today is headed up by Captain Juliana Magillicutty and First Officer Francis K. Falkenmutter. Both are recent veterans of the United States Space Force. They’re not used to flying something as hands-on as the DC-3 we’re using today, but will muddle through as best they can.

Our cabin crew are Dave Beerstein, Sven Porkmore, and me, Olga Cutyakakoff. We will be coming through with a food and beverage cart once we have reached our cruising altitude of 137 feet. Tap water with ice we got from the fishmonger will be $10. Soft drinks and juices are available for $25 apiece. Beer and wine can be financed using the FAFOnline app on your mobile device.

We welcome aboard the three families with babies and small children making their first transcontinental flight this morning. Hearing protection and sedatives are available for $100 and $150 apiece.

Our flight time is expected to be anywhere between six and thirty-six hours, depending on wind, weather, and whether or not the Applebees at Denver Airport has 2 for 1 margaritas again this week.

This specially modified Douglas aircraft has two exits at the front, two over the wings, and one at the rear of the aircraft. In an emergency, lighting on the floor and above each of the exits will activate. Just head toward the light and you’ll be OK.

If you are seated in an exit row, please read the brochure taped to the wall next to you. If you cannot fulfill the duties outlined there, please let a cabin crew member know, and we will bungee cord you to the wing so that you have a chance to wallow in the shame your weakness brings to your ancestors. We will reallocate your seat to someone smart enough to know how to work a lever and lift out a door before leaping to safety.

Speaking of which, in an emergency, follow all directions of the cabin crew, including “Follow me!” as they execute a perfect exit dive through the nearest hole in the fuselage.

In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion, along with most of the other people on the aircraft, can be used as a flotation device.

In case of a loss of cabin pressure, a mask that you can pretend provides oxygen will drop from the ceiling. Put your own mask on before sitting back and watching the slow gasp for breath.

Our in-flight entertainment today will include classic episodes of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, Bonanza, and anything else I could pirate off the Internet last night. Ecologically responsible recycled headphones may be purchased for $35 a pair.

On behalf of your flight crew, we welcome you aboard, and hope you have a safe, enjoyable flight.

Today’s Earworm

Shoutouts

To the nice lady in the elevator this morning, thank you for your thought. However, it wasn’t allergies that was making me sneeze and caused my eyes to water. It was all brought to me by the delicate admixture of day-old lilac, past-its-prime body powder, and Soviet-era floor cleaner, all tied together with just a whiff of freshly-dead rodent, that your body spray added to the atmosphere.

To the crew that put a new roof on our house last week, thank you. You got it done in record time and even cleaned up after yourselves. The roof survived wind and torrential rain over the weekend, and the water stayed outside. I’ll call that a win.

To the writers and actors on strike in Hollywood, thank you for causing my local drive-in theater to show more classic movies rather than the dreck you’ve been cranking out for the past decade. You stay strong and show your solidarity. So long as we get to watch good movies made before most of you graduated from film school, I support you. Stay out there on the picket lines for months, years if you have to, until your most extreme demands are met.

To the hooved critters that roam through my neighborhood, I have provided for you some feed corn and a block of minerals. This is my compromise to keep you out of the garden. If one more raspberry disappears under mysterious circumstances, I will be forced to disregard the intercession of my wife on your behalf and convert you into something to replace the calories you’ve stolen from us.

Musings

  • You know someone senior on a conference call has asked a dangerous question when the call goes absolutely silent for 45 seconds.
  • After working a 15 hour day, a pleasant dinner and attending a bluegrass performance with your darling wife and the neighbors is an excellent way to end the day.
  • As a father, sometimes you have to have the courage to tell a dedicated mother that it’s OK if her child does something hard, even though she could make it easier.
  • There’s something peaceful about driving along a 2 lane country road in the middle of a rather violent thunderstorm. All the safety features of the car, if the computer hasn’t turned them off, are useless. Visibility is low, sounds don’t convey anything except rain on the car and the wind. All you have is your memory of the road and the feel of the wheel in your hands to keep you between the semi-visible lines. There are no phone calls, no demanding emails, no complaints, just the engine, tires, and headlights telling you which way to guide.
    • That is, of course, until a rather strong gust of crosswind shoves you three feet to the left in a heartbeat, which snaps you back to reality faster than any cup of coffee ever could.
    • That takes you from Lothlorien to Helm’s Deep pretty darned fast, let me tell you.
  • Took advantage of all of the other primates being out of the house for the day to clean carpets. Great googly moogly, I thought we did a better job keeping the house clean, but what came out of that rug shows that I suck at vacuuming.
  • Irish Woman is adjusting to the fact that the Young Prince is now in high school. Panic stage will commence in about 24 months, but she’s training hard enough now that it’s going to be one for the record books.
    • Right now, it’s ‘Rocky I’ levels of intensity. By his junior year, it’ll be ‘Rocky IV’.
  • Everyone always seems so happy when a long-running issue is fixed after finding a rather simple root cause. I’m always the guy who asks ‘How did it get there?” and “Why didn’t y’all see this yesterday?”
    • Not saying I don’t enjoy my job, because it does have its bright spots, but I do have a countdown app on my phone that tells me exactly how many pay checks I have left before I become eligible for retirement. Just saying.
  • If you’re talking to your boss, him smiling and saying ‘Don’t threaten me with a good time’ is a hint that perhaps your thinly veiled threat fell upon infertile ground.

Overheard in the Kitchen

Her, labeling a freshly canned jar of preserves – “How do you spell ‘Mandarin’?”

Me, thinking – “Well, I think it’s two vertical lines,slight angled from right to left, with some sort of squiggle between them.”

Her, giving me The Look

Me – “What? It’s been like 30 years since I saw that on the side of a building.”

Today’s Earworm