Dude!

All you had to do was administer the Oath of Office, and you messed up!

What, didn’t you practice? Did the teleprompter mess up? Were you so cold you choked?

Classy, dude, real classy. A moment in history that’s being watched by billions and will be studied for the rest of our history will be marked by you making the new president prompt you to correct your prompting him.

Well, Obama is president now. For the next few years, for good or ill, he will be the head of our government. He will set the agenda for our country, and will ultimately be held responsible for the direction our country goes under his watch.

Even though I don’t agree with him politically, I wish him well. I have no wish for the country to suffer so that someone I don’t agree with can fail. You will rarely, if ever see personal attacks against President Obama from me, although the occasional bit of snark will seep through. It won’t be personal, it’ll be a joke.

However, when he or his minions mess up, and they will, I will comment on it. When they do well, I will also comment on it.

Hopefully, President Obama will be smart enough to not mess with success in those parts of the government that are working well. And when he chooses to change things, he won’t through the baby out with the bath water, and will be smart enough to recognize when his changes either don’t work, or do more harm than good due to unforeseen consequences.

So good luck, Mr. President. While I’m sure there will be plenty for me to joke and complain about during your administration, please don’t bother yourself to create opportunities for me on purpose.

According to Forbes, Fiat is buying a 35% stake in Chrysler.

For me, this is yet another nail in the coffin of my purchases of Chrysler products.

I have driven precisely two Fiat cars, both of them Puntos. The Fiat Punto is basically a scaled down 1970’s VW Rabbit. To call those cars crackerboxes would have been an insult to Keebler.

And remember, Fiat stands for “Fix It Again Tony!”. Those two cheeseboxes couldn’t go across town without me worrying that I’d have to call a tow truck. Driving them on the Autobahn was a religious experience. Not a good religious experience. More like the “I wish I’d given my heart to Jesus and told my wife I loved her before I left this morning” experience.

So, while Chrysler has gotten a shot of adrenalyne to the heart and will survive to suck another day, this will do nothing for the quality and dependability of their vehicles.

I’m looking forward to seeing Dodge cars lined up on the side of the road with their hoods up in the near future. It’ll be nice, kind of like modern art statues to beautify the freeway.

This morning, the Today Show was doing a quick discussion of the myriad of things that are coming out for the inauguration. Plates, posters, teeshirts, cupcakes, and candy. One of the items was a chocolate lollipop in the shape of Obama.

Irish Woman: Would you want a sucker in the shape of Barack Obama?
Me: I’m not sucking on anything shaped like Barack Obama!

The peanut butter recall has gone down to the bone!

Little Debbies are being recalled. Other major suppliers of food that is tasty and bad for you are also recalling their products. This will cause artificial shortages in other snack cakes, and before you know it, it’ll be pandemonium in the aisles at the local Quicky Mart! Truck drivers will be beating up housewives over Twinkies, and a black market in certified healthy peanut butter crackers will spring up across this great land of ours.

True Story:

When I first moved to Germany, it was right after the end of the first Gulf War. Most of the military shipping for the months prior to this had understandably been used for the war effort, so only those things that were absolutely necessary were brought over for the PX and Commissary for several months. Needless to say, shortages of such things as snack foods and American beer, wine and liquor rapidly set in.

About two weeks after I got to Bavaria, I went to our local commissary to pick up a few things. As I was in line to pay for my eggs, milk, bread, and some fruit, I noticed that a shipment of Hostess snack cakes had come in and was being put on the shelves. Everything went higglety-pigglety there for a while. I did not participate in the small riot that ensued, but it was entertaining to watch the military wives scramble over each other to get a box of Twinkies or something. Quoth the commisary queen: “Hey Bitch! Get your hands off of my Ho-Ho’s!”.

I’m hoping that this current situation doesn’t come to that.

is right twice a day.

Today, I was that broken clock. Both Pittsburgh and Arizona played very good, close defensive games, and are headed to the Super Bowl.

My thoughts and prayers go out to McGahee of the Ravens, who was knocked out of his sneakers by an open field tackle that would have totaled the Irish Woman’s car.

If methane is a sign of life, then why do the people in my office keep asking me if something has crawled up inside me and died?

Just wondering….

Here are my picks for the Conference Championship games tomorrow:

Baltimore Ravens and Pittsburgh Steelers – I’m picking the Steelers here. Even though the Ravens have a great defense, I think the Steelers will be able to pull this one out.

Philadelphia Eagles and Arizona Cardinals – I think Arizona will pull an upset out of this one. Warner is doing really well so far, and even though Philadelphia has also had a good run, I don’t see them winning this one.

I predict that on Monday, a lot of pardons will be announced by the White House. I also believe that there will be some blanket pardons for high level administration officials such as Rumsfeld and Cheney.

Dear People Who Claim to Know How to Drive,

I know that the Commonwealth of Kentucky has blessed you with a drivers license, and you have somehow scraped together the money for a car, have gotten the keys to mommy and daddy’s car, or have a spouse that can get you that nice expensive SUV. But you need to get some help in driving. What you are doing is not driving, it is moving a motor vehicle in a generally forward direction.

To the asshat in the Audi yesterday on I-64, I’m sorry that my driving 5 miles over the speed limit while trying to pass the semi got in the way of you weaving in and out of traffic. I appreciate you testing your horn, flashing lights, and finger when you climbed up on my bumper. Thank you for not running into me while I finished my lane change and using the shoulder for the left half of your vehicle to pass me so that I had time to safely pull back into the right lane.

To the nice police officer in the well concealed SUV on I-64, thank you very much for immediately turning on your lights and pulling Mr. Asshat in the Audi over. You made my afternoon.

To the nice lady who stopped her vehicle 3 feet to the rear right of my car when I was trying to pull out of the Walmart parking space last night, thank you for honking your horn to let me know that you were there and for flashing your brights so that I could clearly see the inside of my car. I apologize for not immediately pulling out, but I would have had to drive up on your hood to do it. I’m sorry that you had to put your car into reverse and pull back a few feet, but I hope that the 3 minutes I had to wait for you to get the clue and back up were worth the wait for the parking space.

To the NASCAR fans in the F-150 and Chevy Silverado that were driving side by side 5 miles under the speed limit on the freeway this morning, please drop the green flag and then jockey for position in one lane. The rest of us have to get to work.

I hope all of you have a great weekend. I pray that our weather stays clear so that you won’t have to deal wiith wet or slippery roads. In that event, you can have the roads, I’m parking my car and waiting for natural selection to take hold on our roadways.