The Marines got this.

We got Dave Matthews whining about a breakup.

There is no justice in this world this side of the grave.

Citation

Chief Warrant Officer Five Eric A. Slover distinguished himself by conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity, above and beyond the call of duty, on January 3, 2026, during a mission in Venezuela, in support of Operation Absolute Resolve. Chief Warrant Officer Five Slover piloted his MH-47 as the lead aircraft of the operation, tasked with executing a highly complex infiltration through hostile Integrated Air Defense Systems to safely deliver military forces. During ingress, Chief Warrant Officer Five Slover skillfully led the helicopter force through a dense jungle valley in a mountainous region, navigating marginal weather conditions, numerous topographical hazards, and near insurmountable surface to air threats. Upon touching down at the designated landing zone, Chief Warrant Officer Five Slover’s aircraft was immediately engaged by multiple machine gun positions at close range. The hostile fire resulted in 15 armor-piercing rounds entering his cockpit, with four rounds striking his leg. Despite the intense and effective enemy fire, and at great personal risk, Chief Warrant Officer Five Slover maintained his situational awareness and aircraft’s position in the line of fire to ensure the safe infiltration of the military forces. After the force disembarked, and despite suffering significant life-threatening injuries, Chief Warrant Officer Five Slover identified hostile heavy machine gun positions that were engaging his aircraft and targeting the ground forces. He maneuvered his aircraft to enable his door gunner to deliver effective fire, successfully neutralizing the threats. Chief Warrant Officer Five Slover’s heroic actions undoubtedly saved countless American lives and ensured the complete and overwhelming success of the mission. His gallantry under fire and extraordinary valor are in keeping with the highest traditions of military service and reflect great credit upon himself and the United States Army.

From the “Let My People Go” Department – Residents and tourists in the Canary Islands are dealing with a swarm of locusts. The multilegged visitors apparently hopped over from the Sahara due to the weather in the vacation spot. Local authorities are breaking out the frog gigs and eclipse glasses, just in case. In unrelated news, Southern California seems to be dealing with an abundance of mosquitoes at the moment. I guess the Good Lord decided to smite somebody who deserves it, for once.

From the “Shifting Strategies” Department – Several wine companies in Northern California have either cut back production or outright closed wineries. As the percentage of adults who regularly drink alcohol continues to decline, I expect to see more and more purveyors of mid-grade grape flavored hooch meander into the sunset. Interestingly enough, Gallo just bought a bourbon company near here. I guess when one door closes, another opens. In this case, it just opens another path for customers to stumble down while singing “Seven Spanish Angels” at 2:30 in the morning.

From the “Meet the New Boss” Department – The Louvre, recently robbed in broad daylight, has announced a new director after its previous leadership was guillotined fired. The new chef du chaud has been tasked with overseeing renovations, improving security, and sweeping out his predecessors extensive collection of large shoes and red rubber noses. All of this will be, of course, paid by ticket sales, once they figure out who has all the money from the past decade’s worth of tickets.

From the “Watch Your Lanes” Department – An Amazon delivery vehicle has been recovered safely after it got stuck in the mud on a British military firing range. The driver blamed GPS directions for his errant routing. Sources indicate that local lance corporals have been spotted wearing new watches and high-end sneakers while carrying several cases of energy drinks and toilet paper into their barracks in muddy uniforms. An inquiry by His Majesty’s government is expected to be held to look into deficient marksmanship.

Hi, y’all! Just a quick admin note.

I’ve decided to start weening myself off of this platform and move over to Substack. Not going to completely stop posting here, but when my current year’s contract with WordPress ends, I’ll be folding tents here.

I already post some things over there that aren’t here, and most everything I post here ends up being posted over there.

My substack is https://tomrogneby.substack.com/.

Hope to see y’all over there!