Pregame

18:25 – BabyFace does a tribute to Ray Charles. Nice touch.

18:30 – Sing it like it’s written. Don’t care if I like your music. Sing it like it’s written.

Oh, joy, another Transformers movie to not see.

Oh, look Gatorade for Gen Z yuppies.

18:33 – Coin toss. Heads, we get a smaltzy human interest story, tails, we get a schmaltzy inhuman interest story.

Oh, boy, another Marvel movie I’m probably not going to go see in the theaters. Someone needs to tell Disney that cow has done been milked dry.

1st Quarter

Looking at the stands, somebody needs to ask the Eagles if the name Custer means anything to them. Haven’t seen that many Chiefs fans since the Greasy Grass.

Philadelphia remembers that somebody other than the quarterback can rush. Always like to watch a team learn on the go.

Touchdown Eagles. Now for the suspense of somebody who isn’t there deciding if it counts.

And it doesn’t count. First down, though. 3 more tries to move a foot.

Philadelphia scores on a quarterback sneak. Interestingly enough, quarterback sneak was the code name for the operation to elect Pennsylvania’s newest senator

Oh, lawd, another Fast and Furious movie. These guys have contributed more to global warming than Al Gore.

10:09 left in the quarter. Time for KC to give this thing a try.

Apparently, the KC quarterback has ankles. I know this because this is the 32nd time this has been mentioned on the broadcast.

Touchdown Kansas City. For their next trick, they’ll do a nice little dance in the end zone, brought to you by Carl’s Junior.

Oh, joy, the 5th Indiana Jones movie. Nope, not gonna get fooled again.

6:57 left in the quarter, and nobody has tried to return a kick

Offensive pass interference pushes the Eagles back 10 yards. The next passing play ends with the receiver making a couple of yards before being planted like an ATF agent at NRAAM on the 21 yard line.

If Alicia Silverstone has one more facelift, she’ll have a goatee.

Ben Stiller makes me want to drink Pepsi even less than I did before.

Someone needs to tell Philadelphia that social distancing is over, and it never belonged in pass coverage.

That was the DOINK heard ‘round the world.

Sir, if I served that pisswater to all of the golfers, they’d throw me in jail and throw away the key!

End of first quarter.

2nd Quarter

Really, they’re releasing the Flash movie? That may be the biggest surprise of the evening.

Philadelphia lofts one into the end zone from all the way out in Pima County. Nobody messed up with a penalty, so touchdown.

Apparently, the halftime show will be brought to us by Dr. Seuss hair products.

KC 4 and out.

Will Farrell does an excellent job convincing me to never buy an EV.

Flag on the play, KC, defensive tattling, 5 yards.

Philadelphia fumbles, KC returns for a touchdown. We may have a ball game here.

Oh, Lord, all the pop singers from my youth are back to haunt my nightmares.

I have come to the conclusion that football, especially SuperBowls, played in a dome is boring. New house rule – all SuperBowls must be played at outside arenas, preferably north of Saint Louis.

Philly goes for it on 4th down. I’ll be damned, they make it.

Neutral zone infraction, number 91, Klingons. KAPLAKH!

I think one of the Kansas City players gave the Philadelphia quarterback a high five as he ran by. That was about all the effort they put into that play.

And now, Wish.com Brett Favre will give us commentary about Kansas City’s offense.

Brie Larson has learned a new facial expression. It’s a Super Bowl miracle.

Alcohol Free Heineken – For when you need to hydrate and hate yourself all at the same time.

False start, number 57 offense, defenestration.

Somebody needs to call Mahomes’ mother and tell her he needs to be picked up. Man, nothing hurts like a sprain.

Last time I saw this many replays and so much commentary was the Kyle Rittenhouse trial.

Field goal Philadelphia as the half ends. 24-14 Eagles.

Halftime show

Rihanna shows her business acumen by importing Oompa Loompas to dance for her during this year’s performance.

I hope that’s a breastplate and not her torso dipped in wax. Nobody wants a Janet Jackson repeat.

Dafuq did I just watch?

3rd Quarter

Mahomes will now emulate Bernie Kosar when he tries to scramble.

Touchdown by KC. 21-24

Philadelphia’s payments to the referee retirement system pay off when a fumble is ruled an incomplete pass to save them 7 points.

Philadelphia puts in a lot of work for 3 points – 21-27

Commentary impacted by presence of small black dog that needs a lap for a nap. I will persevere

KC needs to figure out that you need to stop the guy with the ball, not the other 10 guys in the strange clothing.

4th Quarter

Dude! Germans making that hand signal is not cool! Not. Cool.

Touchdown, Kansas City – 28-27

Philadelphia punts. KC returns the kick to the Philly 5 yard line.

Touchdown, Kansas City – 35 to 27. Philadelphia preparing to execute their second string quarterback to appease the gods of punt protection.

Second effort gets Philadelphia a first down on yet another quarterback sneak.

Philadelphia touchdown after a long pass and record setting 3rd quarterback touchdown. 35-33. Philly goes for 2

2 point conversion successful. Tie game at 35. Bookies around the country are on suicide watch.

2 minute warning.

Defensive holding on Philadelphia while KC is knocking on the door. The Philly defensive coordinator has ceremonially removed two fingers on his left hand to expatiate his guilt.

Chiefs have run the clock down as much as they can, then will take final time out. The kicker is warmed up and will attempt a chip shot field goal. No pressure.

Kansas City field goal. Let the celebratory riots begin.

The play call is in – Y’all run down the field except for Bubba. Ima chunk it!

Game over. Kansas City wins 38 to 35.

It’s a station wagon. It’s a nice station wagon, and I’m sure I’ll get many years of good service from it, but it’s a station wagon.

Morning, Campers!