To the city ‘leadership’ of Louisville and surrounding communities –

Dear Sir and/or Madam,

I am writing this to you as a stranger in your strange land. I have lived among you for quite some time, and I have this to say, and I say it with all the love and respect I can muster:

Please, for the love of God, get a grip.

It is December. December is, as we say up north, a winter month.

During the winter, it is not normal for it to rain. Rain in December is never a good thing. Normal weather, during this most chilly part of the year, is for the rain to freeze into what experts call ‘snow’.

Snow, being heavier than air, will fall from the sky. If it’s big snow, it floats down. If small, it comes down quite quickly.

But down it shall come, and that is both normal and a good thing.

How could frozen water coming down and covering the county in a layer of confusing white stuff that cannot be smoked, snorted, or injected for fun and profit be a good thing, I hear you ask.

Well, children, snow, being translucent, masks both the sight and smell of your more… savory bits of real estate here in Indiucky. Think of it as clean frosting spread across the ‘cake’ of Louisville.

If managed properly, it is not a danger, and should bring feelings of whimsy and wonder to children of all ages. You don’t get snow often enough, and what you do get melts off in a few days, for you to get that North Dakota “If one more flake either falls from the sky or asks me if I think it’ll warm up this week, I’m going to lose my everloving mind and end up on the 11 o’clock news” feeling.

You should enjoy these brief, infrequent episodes of real winter weather, not use them an example of the pending apocalypse.

Yes, the expected 3 to 5 inches of snow will snarl traffic. I’ll even agree that making the 4 AM decision to close schools, should the roads be as bad as your feverish imaginations think they will be, is a prudent measure in furtherance of public safety.

But calling school at 8 PM the night before, when the first bits of geometric ice art haven’t even fallen, leads me to make this request.

How are our children to learn what anticipation is when they go to bed knowing that tomorrow they can sleep in? Their futures will be less productive if they do not master the skill of getting up at 5:30 AM to find out whether or not they have to trudge out into the frozen wastes to catch the bus or if they can sit at home, eat sugary cereal, and watch cartoons all day?

Please, get a grip. Do it for the children.

Author’s note – If it’s just barely too cold for it to properly rain, and frozen water falls from the sky as little hard pellets, that’s ice, and I fully support proactive decisions. With the state of your infrastructure, it’s quite likely that power will be out come the morn, bringing about the collapse of your society for at least a few hours. When we’re fending off the hordes drawn to such chaos, we will not have time to listen to the whacky morning radio programs to see if the little darlings need to pack up their schoolbags instead of reloading magazines and preparing field dressings.

Brothers and sisters, when you realize that you need a break from being in the house on a chilly December night, it’s a good idea to start up the old go-go machine and tool on down the road a bit. Just you, the road, and whatever audiobook or podcast you choose to indulge in.

It’s an even better idea to treat yourself with a milkshake. Something sweet and rich to pick up your spirits and bring back remedies of better times always helps.

However, should you find yourself in the situation where a few drops of said milkshake go down the wrong tube when you take a sip, just cough it out while you safely bring your vehicle to the side of the road and stop.

Do not fight it, causing your eyes to water. Because when your eyes water, your nose might start to run, just a little. And when your nose starts to run, just a little, you will sneeze.

And if you sneeze with a mouthful of vanilla milkshake when it’s dark and 31 degrees out and you’re going 45 miles an hour down a two-lane country road, it is a stone cold pain to clean off your steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield with four cheap napkins.

Yeah, good times. Good times.

How to get me to buy something from you – Be recommended by the person I’m buying a gift for in the first place.

How to get me to buy something from you twice – Get my order to me very quickly, have good product, and reasonable prices.

How to make me a lifelong customer – Give me a call after my second order, even through it’s your late afternoon/early evening, advising me that my chosen shipping method might not get my order to me by Christmas, then eat a chunk of the upgraded shipping so that this isn’t a problem.

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How to get me to stop donating to your charity – Send me, in the space of 30 minutes, two voicemails, three phone calls, and two texts, all with the same verbage about why you need money from me.

I like a nice reminder every so often, but using the spam firehose is not conducive to getting me to come across with a credit card.

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Well, my long vacation is probably officially over. I started onboarding at a new job on Monday. So far, so good.

It’s a semi-longterm contract, so I can’t totally take my eyes off finding something permanent. However, if it works out, it’ll be a good fit for quite some time.

Either way, my plans to retire as a reprobate have to be put on hold, at least for now.

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We woke up to find that the 2 to 4 inches of snow we were promised turned out to be 4 to 6 inches.

The puppy thought was just the most awesomest thing ever, and demonstrated this by running laps around the back yard for 30 to 45 minutes at a time throughout the day.

She’s currently laying on my office floor, snoring loudly. I guess she’s just all tuckered out.

The older dogs were not quite that excited. Sophie, Princess of Planet Dachshund, was downright unimpressed.

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Note to self – When shopping for a new desk to go with your new job, take measurements of your office and take the tape measure to the furniture store.

In other news, I’m going to be rearranging my office a bit. The new desk is L shaped, and the L juts out about seven feet. Nice and cozy, but definitely creates choke points in the middle of the room.

When you do the rising growl that’s part of the chorus to Bodies and all three dogs in the room wake up, open one eye, and look about, maybe you were overdoing it with your post-dinner sing-along.

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It’s amazing how expressive every action by a dog can be.

The little bowing down with both front paws splayed out in front of her, with her head cocked to the side, signifies that our youngest dog wants to play.

When she walks up and lays her head on my leg, I know she loves and trusts me.

When she looks up at me with those big brown eyes, I know she’s saying “I see you have a toasted cranberry bagel sandwich made with a fried egg, spicy breakfast sausage, and swiss cheese. I also like a toasted cranberry bagel sandwich made with a fried egg, spicy breakfast sausage, and swiss cheese. I also want you to forget that I already had breakfast and some cheese when you were giving my sisters their medicine. You see, father, I am starving, and shall surely perish if not given the remainder of your sandwich.”

Truly, man’s greatest companion.

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Sometimes I buy flowers, other times, jewelry.

This month, my love language is buying a split quarter of a cow and filling the freezer for the winter.

Diamonds may be forever, but hamburger is $4 a pound and rising, and compressed carbon crystals don’t make good tacos.

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In an attempt to warm up a bit and get rid of the scratchiness in my throat, I made up a pot of the ‘Czar Nicholas II” Russian tea I got a few weeks ago.

Chort vosmi, but that’s terrible.

Imagine, if you will, an overpowered Earl Grey, but instead of bergomot, they used Chanel #5.

Yeah, not going to be drinking that anymore. It will, however, make for a pretty good potpourri.

Back to coffee I go.

Little bit of backstory – my introduction to ‘Russian Tea’ was when my mother would buy one container each of full-sugar Tang orange powder, Country Time Lemonade, and NesTea powdered ice tea mix, combine them all together, and mix two to three heaping tablespoons of the resulting concoction with a mug of hot tap water.

Yeah, I didn’t have much sophistication in my palate until my early to mid 20’s.

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How did your morning go, Tom?

Well, while trying to shuffle the dogs around for breakfast and outside time, the elder hound decided that the youngest dog was just a little too close for comfort.

No actual violence, but a big dog roaring, not barking, roaring and snapping, followed by the puppy running away crying loudly at 6:15 AM is not how I wanted Friday to start.

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Winter has officially arrived at our house. Irish Woman has begun her yearly ritual of randomly changing things in the house due to a case of November cabin fever. Today, it was new handles on the kitchen cabinets and drawers, along with testing two new colors for the kitchen walls. Apparently my choices will be “Seattle Seahawks Teal” and “Crest Toothpaste”.

She casually mentioned that the easiest way to update our kitchen was to replace all the cabinet doors and fronts of the drawers.

I shudder at where this might all go.

Hey, at least she’s not peeling up vinyl flooring and opining about how much nicer tiles hand made by Slovenian women drinking Moldovan champagne while dancing the chacha would look.

I really can’t wait until she’s truly cooped up in the house due to crappy weather and little sunlight. I may start encouraging vitamin D supplements now and avoid the Christmas rush.

Good – You make two batches of vanilla extract each year. The recipe is several vanilla beans, sliced lengthwise and placed in a whiskey bottle, along with 750ml of whatever distilled alcohol you like. You usually use something neutral like vodka or moonshine, but have dabbled with different bourbons. Let soak in a dark place for four to six months, turning about once every month or so.

Also good – You just finished the latest batch of vanilla extract, filling up your ‘in-use’ bottle just before the holiday baking season. You place said bottle on the shelf above the stove for easy access when it’s needed.

Excellent – Your darling wife, the queen of your universe, hurries home from work to make dinner. Tonight’s meal was egg roll stir fry, a family favorite. During said dinner preparation, she turns on the rather strong fan above the cooktop to vent out the steam from her cooking.

Not good – The fan appears to be a little out of balance and in need of cleaning, because it started to vibrate a tad. By ‘a tad’, I mean it reached a harmonic that vibrated the extremely full bottle of homemade vanilla extract off its shelf and down onto the glass cooktop.

Good – The glass cooktop was not harmed by the impact of 750ml of homemade vanilla extract falling about 3 feet at 32 feet per second per second.

Not good – Said bottle of homemade vanilla extract did not survive its fall.

Good – The entire kitchen and eventually the entire house now smells like your grandmother’s sugar cookies.

Not good – You were a little hungry when this all happened. You move to ‘ravenous’ while you mop up the vanilla. Pavlov’s got nothing on grandma’s cookies.

Good – Nobody was harmed by the shards of glass, and the 3/4 of a liter of vanilla extract was mopped up within about 15 minutes.

Not good – The vanilla extract and broken glass splashed across about half the kitchen, including into the wok. This also includes the half liter of extract that ran down the front of the cupboards under the cooktop and into the drawers where all of your mixing bowls and all of our pans and lids are stored.

Good – You were able to get all of the glass picked/swept up without cutting yourself or anyone else, the vanilla extract puddles in various drawers was cleaned up rather quickly, and pizza can be delivered to your home.

Not good – Every single mixing bowl, pan, and pan lid you own had to be pulled from the drawers, along with the shelf liner at the bottom of the drawer, and washed to make sure that the next time you make spaghetti, it doesn’t come out smelling like vanilla ice cream topped with marinara.

Good – You were thinking you needed to replace the shelf liners anyway, so throwing the old liners out was not that big a deal.

Not good – You cannot find the roll of shelf liner you thought you had stored safely, so all of those dishes are currently sitting on your counters and kitchen table until you can go to Walmart tomorrow to buy more shelf liner.

Horrible – Your latest batch of vanilla extract won’t be ready for use until March at the earliest. You make plans to go to the restaurant supply store tomorrow to buy the biggest bottle of vanilla extract known to mankind. Your wallet is already crying softly and rocking itself in the corner of your back pocket.

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There are two modes I go through when cleaning out a closet.

The first is “Oh, I remember where we got this. Ah, memories! How could I even consider parting with this?”

The second is “Where in the $!#!$ did this come from? I have no memory of this, so I have no idea why we have it. It’s either to the garbage, recycling, or donation bin with it!”

This week, I’ve had the discipline to have the second attitude, and my closets haven’t looked this good since we moved in years ago.

Note to the city fathers of Nashville – if a large parking garage in your busy downtown area is going to be closed, how about you remove or cover up the “Hey, go to the next street over and go in that entrance to park!” signs. Would have saved me 20 minutes in pouring rain and Friday night traffic just to go park at the garage a block from my hotel instead of the closed one connected to it.

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Got in and out of a Bucees in less than 15 minutes and for less than $30 on the way to Nashville. I’ll call that a win.

Of course, I made up for that when I stopped again on the way home, but we don’t need to talk about that.

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Bought the wife a bourbon and a beer before going to the concert.

Kind of like feeding a Mogwai after midnight.

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“But, Tom!” you say, “You have to have fireworks and backup singers and dancers and lasers and lip syncing to give a great concert.”

Bullshit.

Pat Benatar was out there kicking ass with a guitar player, a bass player, a drummer and a stage. I just hope I still have that much energy and power when I get to be her age.

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You think you have decent water pressure at home until you stay at a hotel with REAL water pressure and you can feel the first few layers of old skin stripping off.

I think I lost a few of the little wrinkles around my eyes there.

The bar has been raised, and I have a new condition for any new home we buy.

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When your hotel room is on the 15th floor and you can still hear the sirens below, you know it’s going to be an interesting evening.

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One difference between a travel hotel off the interstate and a tourist hotel downtown is that the pastries downtown are served on actual dishes and have texture.

I like my inexpensive sleep, eat, and leave hotels, but a place with chocolate croissants and cheese grits for breakfast is nice every so often.

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The hotel we were staying was hosting a retreat for people of faith this weekend. It made for some interesting juxtapositions.

Imagine if you will this scene – a six foot something dude with a scowling expression and a tee shirt that reads “30% Stud, 70% Muffin”, accompanied by a woman who is having a one sided debate on whether or not to stop at a distillery on our way home and what our budget at said stop would be and whether or not we should stop at Bucees for gas and snacks again.

All around us are women in their church dresses and clergy of several denominations trying to get their minds around their mission from the Almighty. Some of the clergy look amused at our attire and talk, some of the women looked shocked.

It probably didn’t help that when Irish Woman noticed, she apologized for being ‘heathens’.

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I started to have some faith in humanity, but then I heard that scammers are calling family who have people missing from the crash in Louisville. They claim to be from the government with information about their loved ones, but demand payment before releasing it.

Old Scratch is going to have to open up a whole new wing in Hell for this lot.

While we’re on the subject, I would like the current-day Zapruder wannabes to take a pause and consider the value of their soul for a moment. Nobody needs a frame by frame analysis of a plane crash where the narrator goes into detail what’s going through the pilot’s mind at that exact second or what the folks on the ground heard as a jumbo jet fell out of the sky on top of them.

Note to self – When making chicken that you intend to sear in a pan, seasoning said hen with ‘Slap Yo Mama’ seasoning mix might sound good, and will likely taste good, be advised that the outgassing from the chicken while it is getting seared is very close to riot gas in your reaction.

Not sure if it was the spices or citrus or whatever, but I haven’t had this kind of reaction in quite a long time.

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Note to self –

Two small-to-medium pie pumpkins will give you about 3 pounds of puree once halved, gutted, roasted, emptied, and run through the blender.

Also, the correct amount of bourbon to add to pumpkin pie mix is 1 borkle-borkle per pumpkin.

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Driving across Louisville and back the long way on a rainy day can try your patience.

After the 7th time some troglodyte out on a day pass cut me off in traffic so blatantly I heard my deceased grandmother cussing in German, I had a mental picture.

It was of a coffee table book entitled ‘From Crassus to Kratman: Using Crucifixion To Promote Social Change’.

After I got home, I went inside and enjoyed a nice cup of cocoa and a cookie until my attitude improved.

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Love is shoving your fingers in the fuzzy piranha’s mouth because she’s trying to chew a nickel and you don’t want to practice the Heimlich on a canine first thing in the morning.

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Note to self – It is forbidden for you to pour chocolate gravy into a mug, top it off with a dollop of half and half, and indulge in its rich, creamy, sinful goodness.

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Man hath no love like a labrador puppy watching her human separate out the bones from a crockpot full of stock.

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Note to self – The dude from the Interior Department sent in to investigate weird animal sightings will be Ray Gareaux. He’s out of the Baton Rouge field office.

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That moment when you’re in the groove, adding hundreds upon hundreds of words to a story, and then everything comes to a screeching halt when your brain asks ‘Do gnomes even have tails?’