Pig Pam – Noun – A Kentucky colloquialism for bacon grease.  Usage – “We need to fry up some more bacon for breakfast.  My jar of pig pam is almost empty”.

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors.

Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, andthird-parties selected.  Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution – on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased. 

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would  sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of thenew package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory. 

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate. 

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about. 

“Oh, that,” the supervisor replied, “Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang.”

Moral of the Story – Simple is best, and if it’s stupid and it works, then it ain’t stupid.  H/T to Old NFO.

Probably NSFW, but this ran though my mind as I was thinking about their ‘proposals’.

According to the twinkle-toed, inbred, hipster douchebag who stood between me and coffee on the way home from work this morning, tomorrow is supposedly the end of the world.  Apparently some Mesoamerican dude chipped out a rather large multi-year calendar about a 1000 years ago, and tomorrow is the date he was working on when he got bored with it and moved on to his next assignment.  In response to this, a portion of the human race has decided to collectively lose their bloody minds.

Fox News, never one to eschew grabbing a few page views by publishing something frivolous, has put up a rather helpful guide on how to ‘cope’ with the Apocalypse.  Their advice pretty much boils down to thinking good thoughts.  Since I’m as much an opportunist as the next guy, here are my more concrete steps for dealing with the end of the world:

1. Stock essentials – Beer, bourbon, bacon, and coffee.  Everything else you need to consume will be like ashes in your mouth if you don’t have the things you enjoy.
2. While you’re at it, stock up a significant stash of booze that your spouse and other housemates don’t know about it.  The end of the world may take a long time, and if you’re cooped up with your family for weeks at a time, you shouldn’t do it sober.  Not saying you should get drunk and stay drunk, but it can’t hurt to take the edge off every so often.
3. If you’ve ever been locked in the house with the kids due to bad weather, you know it’s imperative that you give the little imps something to do.  Here are a couple of suggestions:
   1. Have plenty of board games for them to play.  However, avoid games like Risk, Monopoly, and such.  Yes, they will keep everyone occupied for days at a time if they’re played right, but I’ve seen knife fights break out between family members over someone welching on a treaty over a campaign to conquer Eurasia.  No need to encourage bloodshed so early in the process.
   2. Movies are a good escape from boredom and fear of the afterlife.  While you’re at it, I suggest movies that prepare the children for how the world will work once the elder gods are done ravaging it.  My picks are “The Road Warrior”, “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome”, “Pale Rider”, and “Ice Pirates”.
   3. Encourage your kids’ creativity.  Hold a contest for which one can give the ice giant that is demolishing the next neighborhood over the best name.  Let the kids make dioramas of the destruction around them.
4. Bring your guns.  Invite over all your friends with guns.  An M-1 Garand might not do much against the demon from the seventh pit on the left, but it can’t hurt.  And hey, you finally have an excuse to get that M-1 Garand.
5. Once it’s safe to come out from your basement, hold a block party.  It’ll bring the survivors together as a community, strengthen the bonds of friendship and family, and allow you to size up the competition for the position of neighborhood warlord.
6. If you have a Mayan in your neighborhood, get in good with him by volunteering to assist in constructing his step pyramid.  Be sure to oppose any actions by the neighborhood association to get it torn down, no matter what the covenant says.
7. And finally, enjoy yourself. Yes, those-who-cannot-be-named are rending your world at the seams, but there’s no use in being a Grumpy Gus about it!  Find a way to smile, even if it means seeking out the forces of evil and joining their hellish crusade of fire and rampage.

Have fun everybody!  I’ll see you on the other side!