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Morning Affirmation

Good morning, sports fans!

Welcome to today’s snortal combat event.

First, in the black and white fur with a red collar, weighing in at a svelte 22 pounds, we have SOOOOPHIEEEE!!!!! Sophie has that wicked long snout, so she’s known for a finishing move that includes putting her opponent’s entire head in her mouth and chomping down. Look for her to use that long Dachshund body of hers to snake her way into and out of every confrontation.

In this corner, weighing in at 18 pounds and dressed in all black with a pink collar, we have the rookie, MAAAGGGGGIIIIEEEE!!!! Maggie makes up for her lack of experience and finesse with a bottomless supply of energy and a mouth full of piranha teeth. Look for her to overwhelm her opponent with rapid hit and run maneuvers, followed by grabbing them by the hamstring and running like like her ears were on fire.

Look for a series of fast encounters in the living room and kitchen, then wrestling and rolling around until these two gladiators slam up against the piano. For the outside part of this event, they will run laps around the maple tree, first one way, then the other. Finally, the fight will move to the back deck, where the use of chairs and leaps from the turnbuckles always get the crowd roaring.

The winner of this bout gets to move on to face Bonaducci in the title match, so look for this to be a hard fought growlfest. We’re going to have three five-minute rounds, with twenty minute naps in between to let the combatants recharge.

Now, LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUMMMMBBBBBLLLEEEE!!!!!

Musings

I had an epiphany the other day –

The blue milk Aunt Beru was serving to Uncle Owen at breakfast while he has a tantrum about Luke not being home wasn’t nutrition.

It was marinade.

Remember, kids, dark humor is like a complete and satisfying plot arc in the Star Wars Sequels – most folks don’t get it.

——————————————-

Sequence for giving a labrador retriever a bath in the summer –

  1. Take your strongest leash out to the deck and affix it to one of the 4×4 posts securely.
  2. Barricade the gate to the deck stairs. This is crucial. It is amazing how agile a 13 year old lab is when he doesn’t want to do something, and he’ll do a stutter step that will bring a tear to Jerry Rice’s eye and squirt right past you and down into the mud puddle that is your back yard.
  3. Entice the lab out onto the back deck. He will have noticed your preparations, so this will likely include food of some kind. Normal treats like bones or fortune cookies will not work. This is more of a beef jerky situation.
  4. Clip the leash from step 1 onto the lab’s collar. That ring of canvas and cold iron is about to get the test of a lifetime.
  5. Take your preferred brush or other fur removal tool and give the hound a good going over. Enough fur to insulate a bald eagle nest will accumulate on the deck. The patterns the morning breeze in it are rather calming. Gather strength from that little moment of peace. You’re about to need it.
  6. Get your hose and start soaking the lab as best you can. Labs have, on average, 13.72 separate layers of fur, so this is going to take a bit.
    • Side note – Labrador Retrievers, as a breed, were created for fishing and duck hunting, both of which require the dog to plunge into icy cold water. It can surprise the new dog washer to learn that labs can have that sort of fortitude, but are absolutely against the idea of cold hose water being applied to their person.
  7. Spread an ample helping of shampoo over the lab’s shoulders, back, and hind quarters. A good rule of thumb is 3 liters per 20 pounds of dog. Through the magic of fuzzy math, it usually takes approximately a 55 gallon drum of oatmeal/goat milk/enzymatic/unobtanium shampoo to thoroughly clean our Moonshine.
    • I have always been able to use whatever’s cheapest in Walmart or even bar soap to wash my dogs, but this particular hound has sensitive skin. Use of any canine unguent that isn’t sold for several dollars an ounce will cause him to have dry skin flakes running through his fur and throughout the house. Cleaning up when he sheds is bad enough. Have you ever seen a black lab with a bad case of dandruff?
  8. Once the wet dog is thoroughly coated in suds, get your hands into a ‘claw’ configuration and proceed to scrub the everliving whey out of that hound’s fur. You’re trying to scrub soap down into all of those layers of hair, so you might have to be a bit more aggressive. Take frequent breaks to flip handfuls of sudsy fur into the yard. The pile you make will survive several thunderstorms, but will be prized by the local gopher population as they soundproof their latest tunnel under your air conditioning unit.
    • A side benefit to this activity is that it gets in your cardio for the day. Not only will you be bent over, vigorously moving your upper extremities repeatedly, but you’ll also be wrestling with a sopping wet dog that thinks you’re playing with him. At some point in this process, there will likely be as much suds on you as there is on the dog.
  9. Once every square inch of his body has been thoroughly raked with your clawed hands at least thrice, let the shampoo sit in his fur for a few minutes. Use that time to look down at your clothes and start thinking about what you’re going to change into after your second shower of the day. This is not only caused by the almost constant contact you have with your pet. In an effort to make you feel like you’re part of the process, he will helpfully shake while you’re 3 inches from him, flinging globs of wet fur and soap bubbles in every direction at speed. Any part of your body that faces him from any angle is going to get slimed.
  10. After the mandatory cool-down period is over, retrieve your hose from where it got flung during the scrubbing portion of this process, and start rinsing. As the fur barriers have been broken with shampoo, it will take less time for the water to soak through to the skin, but that doesn’t mean the shampoo will wash away quickly. You see, labrador fur is more of a sponge than you think. Once that hard, waterproof shell has been overcome, your dog will soak up several times his body weight in water and soap. It will then fight to keep it as if its life depended on it. If you’re monitoring water and time usage, a good way to estimate is to take the number of gallons it took to soak the dog, multiply that by the number of minutes it took to soak the dog, put that result to the power of the number of quarts of dog shampoo you had to use, then multiply by pi. By some coincidence, the result of that formula is both the number of gallons of water and the number of minutes it will take to get most of the soap out of your dog’s fur.
  11. Once the water runs clear of shampoo and the rate at which fur is washing off of your dog’s body has slowed somewhat (Fur loss will never be equal to zero), the drying process can occur. What I do is release the hound from his leash, letting him shake and dance around the back deck. Water will continue to flow and drip from him for several minutes. A side benefit to doing this is that all of the plants on your deck will get watered and mulched. We will cover cleanup later, but keep in mind that every drop of water he shakes off has at least 2 grams of hair in it, so you’ll have to wash off your deck, siding, and furniture when this is all over to prevent five o’clock shadow.
  12. If it’s a warm, sunny day, now is a good time to just let the dog air dry for a bit. You could towel him off right away, but most households don’t have enough terry cloth to soak up the amount of water your dog is carrying around. Let gravity and evaporation do its thing for half an hour. This is a great opportunity to go inside and have a second cup of coffee or cold beverage of your choice.
    • Important safety tip – DO NOT sit upon any upholstered furniture at this time. You are almost as fuzzy as your canine companion. Contact with a couch or chair that is important to your spouse before you have a shower and change clothes could put your relationship at risk. Also, do not shower yet. You’re not done accumulating second hand fur.
  13. After you notice that your dog is no longer dripping and the breeze is moving the fur at the top of his back, it’s time to towel him off. I suggest using the oldest, most delapidated towels you have for this. I prefer using a couple of old beach towels.
    • Important safety tip – Clear whichever towel you’re going to use with your spouse, especially if you’re the husband. While you may be smart enough to not use the special towels you’re not allowed to touch, they may have assigned some significance to the tattered, stained, worn out scraps of cloth you want to use. Perhaps it’s the towel they used to give your child their first bath, or maybe it’s the beach towel she packed for your honeymoon. No matter its condition, make sure they’re OK with you rubbing it on the dog’s butt before using it.
  14. You will notice that the towel changes color drastically while you dry off your hound. This is because even more fur is coming off of his carcass. Before taking the towels back in the house, hang them on something to dry, then give them a good shaking. Failure to do so will cause you to be finding dog hair in the washer, dryer, and refrigerator for days. Again, this contact with your dog will be taken as an offer to wrestle, so expect at least one tail slash and one head butt.
  15. Now that he’s mostly dry, get your brush out and give him another thorough going over. You’ll be shockd at the volume of fuzz you remove, but it’s better that it comes off outside. Vacuum cleaners are expensive, and what he’s going to drop over the next day or so will destroy even top of the line models. Let the wind, rain and birds take care of it, not your Electrolux.
  16. Once that’s accomplished and your dog has had a couple of good shakes, you might be tempted to let him go run in the yard for a bit to defuzz and finish drying. Do not do this. Your dog has already selected something smelly and dead to roll in, or has a designated dusty area for post-bath shenanigans. Give him a treat, make sure he has water, and leave him up on the deck long enough to finish drying all the way.
  17. A proud homeowner will keep his property looking nice, so take the time and effort now to rinse all the fur and soap residue off of your deck and house. Pay special attention to the gutters. A large enough gob of wet fur will plug up a gutter, and nobody wants their basement to flood because you gave your dog a bath three months before the storm of the century hit your neighborhood.
  18. Once your dog is clean, dried, and defurred, it is time for self care. The clothes you are wearing have been soaked, sudsed, and fuzzed enough that you will need to make your way to your spouse’s second favorite bathroom, peel down, and get a shower. Make sure you put a screen or something similar on the drain, because you’re about to shed almost as much as the dog. Your outer clothes should be taken outside and hung up next to the towels. This is done to avoid putting 3.7 pounds per square foot of fabric worth of dog hair into your washing maching and dryer. Letting both the towels and your clothing air dry and then giving them a thorough shake before washing them will save you an expensive service call.
  19. After your shower, check on the dog. A smart dog will have figured out how to get through the gate, so you will likely be greeted by the sight of him rolling around in whatever he had in mind in step 16.
  20. Enjoy your cleanish dog for the exactly 3.7 hours it takes before he starts to smell, well, like a dog again.

Saying Goodbye

 

 

Koshka, 1998 to 2016

This Looks Familiar

This is kind of how we ended up with Derby, the little black dog.  But instead of two little girls giving the dog a bath and asking to keep it, the mother in our household was right in there with the kids, giving the father the sad eyes routine.

The Light Upon the Grass

A coat the color of sunshine
A soul the essence
of a glorious sunbeam
A smile the musings
 of a brilliant sunrise

She laughed and played
like a curious sprite
with an everlasting smile
dancing across her face
to make the days bearable
in the best kind of way

She snored peacefully
amidst her fun-filled dreams
Her love coursed our veins
as she stamped her nose
in loving approval

But her smile
finally evolved into a sunset
and the soul
like all sunbeams
had to recede
 as day turned to night
Her sunshine got clocked
in for ever darkness
Our beloved Bluegrass
— Girlie Bear

Saying Goodbye

In 2001, I met a beautiful woman.  We went out to dinner for our first date, and by the time we said good night, I knew that she wanted a yellow lab to go with her new house.  As we began dating, she found a reputable breeder and put down a deposit on a puppy.   She even made the road trip to the wilds of central Kentucky to pick out her puppy a few days after the litter was born.  She picked out a tiny, little white Lab puppy who snuggled up in her arms when picked up.

A couple months later, we packed Girlie Bear and Little Bear and drove out to get the puppy.  I was glad that I only brought enough to pay for the pup Irish Woman had already selected, because there is no better marketing than a playpen full of Labrador puppies and two kids under the age of five.  We brought Bluegrass home that day.

She was fuzzy, and friendly, and photogenic.

She was curious about the world around her.

She was good with the kids.

But, she didn’t stay a fuzzy pup for long.  She grew….

and grew….

and grew.

She ran like a thoroughbred,

and was an excellent watch dog.

For a water dog, she wasn’t very impressed with the lake, but she got into it after a while.

Eventually, she started to show her age, and enjoyed a lot of nights relaxing in front of the fire, with her big brother…

and little.

We had to let go of Blue yesterday.  She’d been struggling to get up and down for a long time, and it was becoming very plain that she was never really comfortable.  She developed a hard, hacking cough on Saturday night, and the vet told us that it was either pneumonia or tumors in her lungs.  We said our goodbyes, then I held her while the doctor ended her pain.

Bluegrass was a sweet, playful, loving, and fun part of our family.  Irish Woman commented last night on how quiet the house was without her snoring or her trips around the house to check that all the doors were closed and that all the kids were in their beds.  We will miss her.

Bluegrass – September 2001 to December 2014  – Mama’s PupPup and Piglet

How to Survive a Household Skunk Attack

By the Irish Woman

  1. Swear until you cry
  2. Bathe your unpopular pets in a mixture of hydrogen peroxide, baking soda, and baby shampoo.  Repeat until your pet is once again lovable.
    • Bathe yourself using this process until you feel sociable.
  3. Wash every surface down with vinegar and water.
  4. Start swearing again because your house still smells like burnt rubber.
  5. Febreeze all the furniture.
  6. Stop and drink a bourbon and coke because your house still smells like skunk.
  7. Begin washing all the laundry you had sitting in the room ready to fold because it too smells like skunk.
  8. Drink another bourbon and coke.
  9. Go to bed with the windows open and an ambient temperature of 30 degrees with the hopes that the clean frost-filled air will do the trick.
  10. Wake up and start swearing.
  11. Go talk to the neighbor about setting a trap on their property so you can once again use your backyard without your dog getting sprayed.
  12. Just smile when the neighbor loans you their trap and they ask you to humanely trap and relocate the skunk because they have been feeding the #$$!@@#$! thing every night and they like skunks.
  13. Return to your house where you are hit with a fragrance of fresh skunk and quickly remember that a good skunk is a dead skunk.
  14. Smile at the delivery man who has brought you an expensive ozone generator, complete with $23.00 overnight delivery.
  15. Remove all pets and people from the house.
  16. Turn on the ozone machine and leave the house for two hours to spend another $40.00 on dinner.
  17. Return home to find that your home no longer smells like skunk, but rather has the fresh smell of a new freezer.
  18. Keep washing laundry.
  19. Replace the shower curtain and liner that made first contact with the skunked dogs when they were bathed.
  20. Keep on doing laundry.
  21. Drink another bourbon and coke.

Note – Real skunks were used in this story and not been harmed, yet. Only top shelf bourbon should be consumed during this crisis.  All skunks are guilty until proven innocent.

Play By Play

Bart:  Hello everyone, and welcome to the program.  If you’re just joining us, DaddyBear is trying to defend both his lunch and his title in Food Defense.

Cindy:  That’s right, Bart.  DaddyBear has been the house champion in being able to sit in his chair, eat his lunch, and read a book.  But today he’s got some stiff competition.

Bart:  You bet he does.  Crash McBadKitty has been called up from the basement, and is raring to try his skills against the best.  You’ll remember Crash from the Great Pizza Incident last month, where he was able to get away with one-quarter of a large pepperoni pizza while Girlie Bear’s back was turned.

Cindy:  Bart, that play alone pushed Crash up into the major leagues, but he still has a lot to prove.  I talked to Crash this morning during breakfast warm-ups, and he says that he knows he earns his place in the food chain around here every day.  He really wants to prove he’s stealthier, sneakier, and more ruthless than any food stealer in the house.

Bart:  Thanks, Cindy.  Oh, and there goes the opening beep from the microwave.  DaddyBear is taking his lunch out of the oven.  Cindy, what do we have here?

Cindy:  Bart, DB has warmed himself up some leftovers from the other night.  Boneless pork ribs, with a side of rice pilaf.  Irish Woman really outdid herself with that meal.

Bart:  She sure did!  The whole house smelled of garlic and roast pork all evening.  Cindy, is that DB’s signature jalapeno-tomato jelly he’s slathering on right now?

Cindy:  I think so.  He’s quite fond of that recipe, and he’s taken to putting it on sandwiches as well as roasted meat.  I’m told he even uses it with peanut butter, which just goes to show how versatile a player DaddyBear is.

Bart:  That’s why he’s one of the greats.  OK, he’s retrieved cutlery and is heading to his rocking chair.  Do you think that’s wise?  The arms on that chair are kind of narrow, and it doesn’t look like he’s dragging over a table to hold his plate.

Cindy:  You’re right, Bart.  DB appears to be show-boating a bit here, but then again, he is one of the great eaters in the history of the sport.  OK, he’s down in the chair, has his tablet in one hand and is balancing the plate on his knee.  And here comes Crash!

Bart:  He’s taking a classic Siamese Death Crawl today, trying to get close without being noticed.  DaddyBear is taking the first bite of the pork, and Crash is watching every move.  He must really want that rib.

Cindy:  OK, DB has gone back to reading his book, and Crash has made it to the side of the chair.  This just goes to show that even a rookie can have expert stalking skills and technique.  OK, Crash is going up on his hind legs to see if the direct approach works, and oh, did DaddyBear shut him down.

Bart:  Wow, Cindy, DB didn’t waste any time establishing dominance in the ground game.  A stiff arm to the top of Crash’s head, then a gentle push away.  Classic technique with a successful ending.  Let’s see how the rookie recovers.

Cindy:  DB is taking a bite of the pork with some rice, while Crash is circling around to the other side of the rocking chair.  No, wait, he’s walking away.  Has he given up?

Bart:  I don’t think so, Cindy.  From down here on the playing field, it looks like Crash is going to try an aerial assault.  You know, Siamese are known for their climbing ability, and DaddyBear put himself right next to the bookcase.

Cindy:  You’re right, Bart.  Crash has ascended to the third shelf, where DB keeps his history books, and is pawing at DB’s shoulder.  Is he trying to get DB to just give him his meal?

Bart:  Stranger things have happened, Cindy.  Remember, it still counts as a win if the meal is given over, in whole or in part, willingly.  Remember how Moonshine got extra points for the soulful eyes routine when getting chicken from Girlie Bear the other night?

Cindy:  It looks like that’s just what Crash is doing, and oh, my, what a pitiful look he’s giving DB.  I’m all the way up here in the booth, and I’m ready to get a hot dog from the concessions stand and share it with this poor, starving kitty.

Bart:  Don’t let him fool you.  That cat ate a hearty breakfast, and had a snack of cat food just before coming into the living room.  This is all an act.  Crash is showing an amazing amount of skill for someone so young.

Cindy:  He sure is, Bart, but it doesn’t look like it’s working this time.  DB has picked Crash up off of the bookcase and put him back on the floor.  Yet again, the veteran shows that in this game, it’s the defense that wins everything.  DaddyBear’s about halfway done with his lunch, and Crash better get a move on if he wants to get anything but crumbs.

Bart:  Cindy, there seems to be someone else on the playing field. Oh, wow, it’s Moonshine.  You might remember that Moonshine was voted Rookie of the Year in 2012 when he came into the league, and he’s taken Crash under his paw, so to speak, as a mentor. Moonshine is on the opposite side of the chair from DB’s lunch, but he’s making a lot of noise.

Cindy:  Bart, do you see Crash?  After DB put him on the floor, he seemed to just disappear.

Bart:  That’s one of his better tricks, Cindy.  With his tan and black fur pattern, he can blend in just about anywhere in the house.  I don’t see him, but keep a sharp eye on that plate.  I bet he reappears somewhere near it.  Wait, what is DaddyBear doing?

Cindy:  Bart, it looks like he’s putting his plate down on the bookshelf!  Yes, yes he is!  That’s probably not the smartest thing he could do.

Bart:  It sure isn’t.  DB has turned his back on a plate of food when Crash is on the prowl, and he better hope that his opponent is completely out of position for the interception.  DB’s turning to Moonshine, probably to tell him to go lie down.

Cindy:  Bart, I see Crash!  He’s up on the bookshelf again, and is moving slowly toward the plate.  He’s inching his way forward.  Oh, there’s the butt wiggle.  That’s the universal feline signal for “Say goodbye to your lunch!”

Bart:  Cindy, DB is fully engrossed in telling Moonshine to let him eat his food.  Moonshine has whipped out his trademark big brown eyes, but DB isn’t falling for it this time.

Cindy:  OK, Crash is on the move again.  He’s 10 inches away.  Five.  Two.  And yes!  He has the pork rib!

Bart:   Cindy, did you see DaddyBear jump when the plate went crashing to the floor?  Here, I’ll put it up on the big screen.  There goes the pork, then you see here where Crash tips the plate off the shelf with his back paw.  That’s a classic “Screw you and your rice too!” maneuver.  See how expertly he does this. Not a grain of rice comes off the plate as it falls, but then it flips over onto the hardwood floor at the last moment.  Truly one of the best takeaways I’ve seen all season!

Cindy:  Bart, Crash is moving like his hair was on fire.  DB has completely abandoned his plate, and is trying to trap Crash under the rocking chair.  Wait, Moonshine has done an end-around on DB, and has his head under the chair!  What’s he doing?

Bart:  It looks like he’s getting paid.  Crash took about a third of that rib with him as he ran away, but the rest is under the chair.  And there it goes.  I tell you, nobody can scarf down a piece of meat like a Labrador Retriever.

Cindy:  Bart, if DB isn’t careful, he’s going to get a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct.  He’s cussing a blue streak, and he’s already getting a warning look from Irish Woman.

Bart:  It looks like DB won’t have to worry about that, because he’s just given up!  He’s picking up the plate and fork, and is pointing to the pile of rice on the floor.  Yes, Moonshine has pounced on it, and DB is stalking off the field.  Let’s see if we can get him to talk to us.

Bart:  DB, DB, can you give us a few words?

DaddyBear:  Probably nothing you can put on the air, Bart.  I screwed up big time back there.  I hope those fool animals are full, because that was the last treat they’ll be getting for a long time.

Bart:  DB, is there anything you learned from today’s match?

DaddyBear:  You bet there is.  “Man’s best friend” my eye!  Those varmints were working together on this!  I’m going to complain to the league!  Now let me go make a peanut butter sandwich.

Bart:  Thanks DB!  Enjoy that dry, mealy sandwich when you were expecting moist, succulent roast pork.  Cindy, I think that’s all for us here.

Cindy:  You’re right, Bart.  A tested veteran falls to the skills of a rookie and the distractions of man’s best friend.  Let’s take it back to the studio with Ralph and JaQuan for post-game analysis.

A Letter To My Dog

Dear Moonshine,

You’re a good dog, you really are.   You are affectionate, playful, and gentle with the kids.  You bark when people come to the house, but not when squirrels walk across the yard.  You even know how to do a few tricks and do as you’re told, most of the time.

But we have a problem.

You’re addiction to baked goods, especially those that I have prepared from scratch, is getting to me.  This morning, you ate half a 9×13 pan of banana spice bread, even though you’ve been fed and had several treats this morning.  Instead of having banana bread for several days to be used as a side, dessert, or treat, I have enough for tomorrow morning’s breakfast and maybe lunch today.

You took advantage of my soft heart in keeping you indoors today when a hard, cold rain is falling, and my need to keep the baby gate on the kitchen open so that I could go back and forth while doing my weekend housework, to filch over a pound of homemade banana bread, and this isn’t the first time.

If you keep this up, you’re either going to find yourself as a permanent outside dog, regardless of weather, or you’re going to find yourself in a stew pot.  Figure something out and change yourself, or I will change you myself.

We all love you, and want you to be a welcome member of our family, but the rule is that no-one but me touches my wife, my kids, my guns, my booze, or my banana bread.   Learn to live by it.

DB

New Addition

A few days ago, a friend of ours put out the word that he had a stray kitten that needed a permanent home.  The poor thing had been found up a tree, and he and his family had tried for several days asking around their smallish town to see if anyone could claim it.  They had no luck, so he started looking for a place the little furball could call home.

Being a soft touch, I  headed on down there.  The kitten is a Siamese, a breed I’ve always liked, is very affectionate, and is already litter trained.

Meet Crash*:

552702_549917808390658_80882521_nHe’s quite vocal, and talked to me through the airholes in the cat carrier all the way home.  He’s been thoroughly checked out by Moonshine and Bluegrass, and they seem to be OK with him.  Not sure how the kitten liked the two big sniffing things, but they’ll work it out.  Koshka gave him a quick sniff, but after a hiss, sulked her way down to the basement for the night.  Annya hasn’t met him yet, but I expect it will take her quite a while to accept him.

So there we are.  Yet another mammal in our home.

 

*Yes, we named him after the big event this week.  It seemed fitting.