• From the “Had Enough” Department – A reindeer at a park in Nova Scotia decided to hold a pre-Christmas labor demonstration when it took out its frustrations with working conditions on Santa’s sled.  The jolly old elf was overheard remarking on how he could replace Rudolph with a Maglite and some gaffer’s tape.  Prancer was unavailable for comment.
• From the “Logical” Department – A man in New Jersey was arrested after the car he was riding in was pulled over by police and a gun and drugs were found in it.  He, along with the other occupants of the vehicle, was charged with ‘constructive intent’.  However, the man is suffering from ALS, and has no use of his arms.  I guess Deputy Dawg must have thought he would use the gun and the codeine with his teeth, toes, and eyelashes.
• From the “Safe Storage” Department – A man in Wyoming was wounded when he was shot by his dog.  He had placed his loaded hunting rifle on the back seat of his truck, and when the dog climbed in back, he stepped on the trigger, discharging the rifle.  Stay tuned to the DaddyBear News Network for exclusive pictures of the taxidermy.
• From the “Follow-Up” Department – The family of the little boy who was horribly injured by a flash-bang grenade in a botched “no-knock” drug raid last year is currently at $1 million in medical bills and counting.  The little boy required multiple surgeries after the grenade, thrown into his crib by police, injured his chest and face.  Interestingly, several of the officials involved in setting up and executing the raid have resigned or retired.  Here’s hoping that the family gets some satisfaction in court, and that the people who caused are brought to justice.
• From the “RIFfing on a Theme” Department – The Department of Defense has decided that several officers, who rose through the enlisted ranks, will be allowed to retire at their highest officer rank.  Previously, these soldiers were going to be retired at their highest enlisted rank unless they had 8 years in as an officer, which would have robbed them of money, prestige, and benefits.  In related news, Pentagon personnel officers did not wake up on December 25 to find a lump of coal in their stockings.
• From the “Bad Things” Department – A cyberattack on a German steel mill caused extensive damage to the plant after a blast furnace refused to shut down.  If you’ve ever thought about worst case scenario for a workplace, I’m thinking that “malfunctioning blast furnace” is pretty high up on the list.
• From the “Interesting” Department – A scientist in Nebraska is trying to invent a working warp drive in his spare time.  His garage is stuffed to the gills with equipment, and if his claims are true, then he appears to be onto something.  NASA says that this technology may not be feasible for decades or more.  If this works, I hope his first mission is to fly over Cape Canaveral and moon mission control.
• From the “Geniuses” Department – A couple in Florida recently spent two days in a closet they believed was locked.  Tweedledee and Tweedlestoned were let out after they called police, who traced them to the closet.  No word yet on what these two crazy kids will do for their next trick.
• From the “Four Rules” Department – A Kentucky police officer recently shot himself while in an elevator in the Cincinnati area.  It appears that he was removing it from his holster so that he could carry it in his hand while he and his wife walked to their car in a parking garage.  Somehow, the gun went off, the bullet ricocheted off the wall of the elevator, and struck the officer in the stomach.  You know, if I’m parking in a place where I think I might need to be at low ready when we come back, I’m going to park somewhere else.  Here’s hoping that the officer recovers quickly.
• From the “Funky Music” Department – A species of clam has been shown to use small spheres of silica on its lips to both fend off predators and attract prey.  In addition, the “disco clam” excretes sulphuric acid when threatened.  When a predator is nearby, the clam vibrates its shiny lips at a higher rate.  The same phenomenon was found when scientists exposed the clams to songs sung by Donna Summer.  The Village People were not available for comment.
•  From the “I Found Sand!” Department – Archeologists in Egypt have unearthed the tomb of a queen who lived almost 5000 years ago.  Artifacts found include funerary instruments and urns, a sarcophagus, and a Mitch McConnell election button.
• From the “Collectibles” Department – Elvis Presley’s jets, the “Lisa Marie” and the “Hound Dog II” are up for sale.  The agreement between Graceland and the jets’ owners expires soon, and bidding is brisk to own these pieces of rock and roll history.  Rumor has it that an unnamed Asian airline is in the running to win the bidding, and plans to rename the larger of the two jets the “Hunka Hunka Burning Plane”.

I got another email from the White House today, and I thought I’d share.  As always, my thoughts are in italics.

————————————————–

A few years ago, I was fortunate enough to visit the U.K. Prime Minister’s residence at 10 Downing Street. How nice for you.  The closest I ever got was a pub a few blocks away.  Of course, I was in the UK for more than a junket, so I guess we’re even.

During a tour of the residence, we were shown a painting of an elegantly dressed woman. “Of course, you know Lady Lovelace,” we were told.  I’ll bet half of you thought she was a porn star, didn’t you?

Imagine our surprise to learn that we were staring at a portrait of the woman who is considered to be the world’s first programmer. Our group had never heard of her. Wait, seriously?  You’re the “U.S. Chief Technology Officer” and you didn’t know who Ada Lovelace was?  Never heard of the Ada programming language?   Seriously, you’re older than I am, and I know that.  What exactly did you learn at MIT, anyway?

Ada Lovelace’s experience remains all too familiar: So many of the breakthrough contributions of women in science, technology, engineering, and math (STEM) fields continue to go untold, too often fading into obscurity.  Like I said, if you’ve been in technology long enough to remember Y2K, then you have no excuse not knowing who Lady Lovelace was.  If you do know and aren’t passing it on without a government program, then shame on you.

Join us in doing something to change that: Listen to women from across the Obama administration share the untold stories of women who’ve inspired us.  I’ll pass, thanks. Want to pass on stories to inspire people?  Try leaving your ivory tower and go teach at a disadvantaged school.  And no, Chautauqua and MIT aren’t disadvantaged schools.  Pass on what you’ve learned, and learn what happens beyond the Beltway or Silicon Valley.

Then add an untold history of your own, and make a commitment to share these stories in any way you can to help inspire more young women and men to pursue careers in science, technology, engineering, and math.  Here’s my inspiration:  A lot of people, who were willing to learn, keep learning, and learn how to apply what they’ve learned, have gone on to make a lot of money in engineering, science, technology, and mathematics.  Some of them even found it interesting.  If that doesn’t inspire you, then maybe women’s studies really is for you.

Women were central in the early teams building the foundation of modern programming. They unveiled the structure of DNA. Their work inspired new environmental movements and led to the discovery of new genes. It’s past time to write their stories permanently into history, so they can stand side by side with the extraordinary men like them who have used their technical and innovation skills to bring needed solutions and discoveries to our world.  Can’t disagree with you here.  Lots of women have worked their butts off for hundreds of years, and yeah, it sucks that many of them didn’t get credit for their work.  But, hey, guess what?  If you work your butt off now, not only will you probably get credit for your ideas, assuming you didn’t sign an “All your ideas are belong to us” agreement with your employer, you’ll not only get credit, but there’s a good chance you’ll make some money too!  Again, if that doesn’t inspire you, might I suggest a career in Lifeguard Sciences?

And here’s what’s worth noting: Telling and sharing these stories will actively help create more of them in the future.  So will saying “People with usable skills tend to be able to feed themselves.”

Research shows us that a key part of inspiring more young people to pursue careers in science and technology is simply sharing the stories of role models like them in these fields who have had a significant impact on our world.  Again, probably true.  My role model was Eric the Red, a man so contentious he got thrown out of not one, but two Viking cultures.  If you’re that big of an asshat, you’re my guy.  He’s been a great inspiration during my two decades or so of working with and on technology.

Stories like that of Rosalind Franklin, whose research was essential for revealing the structure of DNA. There’s Katherine Johnson, who calculated key flight trajectories during the Space Race. The ENIAC team — six young women “Computers” who were the first digital programmers in America. Or Navy Rear Admiral Grace Hopper, who first developed computer languages and a compiler to translate them into machine code.  I’m more inspired by the army of male and female programmers, administrators, and technicians who have kept the wheels on the Information Revolution for the past 40 years or so while the chosen people, like you, could have “great ideas” and make oodles of money convincing other people your brain droppings are worth paying for.

Seriously, though, I can see where you’re going.  For whatever reason, girls and women are kind of thin on the ground in STEM education and jobs.  But we’ve been pushing ‘equality’ in girls’ education for nigh-onto 40 years, and we’re still working on this.  What we need to do is encourage young people of both sexes to learn as much as they can about as many things as they can, then work toward a degree that they can enjoy and will provide gainful employment.  Making ” Studies” degrees easily available and convincing students that someone will pay them because they’re bright and creative is probably part of the problem. 

In other words, telling young ladies about Ada Lovelace or the other women who have excelled in science or engineering is probably only going to work on a few of your targets.  Let’s try something that’s worked before:  being truthful in how good a STEM degree and job can be for them.

You just might inspire the next Ada Lovelace. Or the next Carly Fiorina, or Meg Whitman, or the other women who have become CEO’s of major companies, both in and out of the STEM fields.

Thanks,

Megan

Megan Smith
U.S. Chief Technology Officer
The White House

• From the “Bubble Bursting” Department – Smith and Wesson is reporting that sales of its rifles have dipped when compared to the same period last year.  Amazingly enough, when the threat of the government restricting the exercise of a right, people stop panicking and stocking up on the thing that you need to exercise the right.  Now that the rush for guns and ammunition are over, I may be back in the market.
• From the “Barbecue Spear” Department – Archeologists are reporting that humans probably tamed fire about 350,000 years ago.  The ability to start a fire when needed was a giant step for early humans, and brought about improved hunting tools, cooked food, and the ceremonial lighting of the mid-winter flatulence.
• From the “Common Sense Reforms” Department – The Texas legislature is considering several pro-gun rights bills.  It is hoped that the open carrying of pistols will be legalized, either with or without a license.  The usual gang of useful idiots are howling about blood in the streets, but that’s become so pro-forma that it’s basically background noise.  Here’s hoping the Lone Star state joins states such as Kentucky that allow open carry and don’t have people slapping leather at high noon.
• From the “Misdirected Anger” Department –  Several families of people who were hurt or killed at the Newtown shooting are suing the manufacturer, distributor, and gun shop who handled the Bushmaster AR-15 used in the attack.  The basic contention of the lawsuit is that the AR-15 has no proper civilian use, including hunting or self-defense, and the companies named in the suit are negligent for manufacturing and selling them.  I hope Bushmaster fights this tooth and nail.  If this goes through, I’m suing Toyota for making their cars so safe, thereby preventing the death of my ex-wife when she ran hers into the back-end of a truck.  No word if the families plan on suing the estate of the attacker’s mother, the doctors she used to try to control her son, or all of the other people who did little to nothing to keep the little creep away from good people.
• From the “Even Dozen” Department – In a follow-up to a story I wrote about in an earlier post, the Navy has revealed that not only did one petty officer on a submarine videotape female officers undressing and showering, but that 11 other sailors and PO’s watched the videos.  I’m guessing none of them went to the chain of command to report this breach of trust and etiquette.   I wonder what it looks like when you keel haul twelve dumbasses at once?
• From the “And The Horse You Rode In On” Department – The police union in New York city is encouraging its members to proactively shun local politicians, who supported the recent protests against the police, from their funerals.  It is traditional for the mayor and other ‘leaders’ to attend the funerals of police and fire workers who die in the line of duty, and I guess that the rank and file might not want them to get the spotlight at their wake.  This might be a bad idea.  How are you going to keep flies off the body if there isn’t something more smelly at the wake?
• From the “Blast From The Past” Department – A time capsule, originally placed by Paul Revere and Sam Adams, has been discovered in the Massachusetts State House in Boston.  It was previously found and augmented in the 1850’s, and the commonwealth’s government plans to X-Ray it to see what it contains.  It is known that there is some Revere silver plate and several coins in the package, but my sources say that there is also a backbone for the current leadership of the country, provided by George Washington, as well as Ben Franklin’s hand-written guide to the best bordellos in Paris.
• From the “Felonious Feline” Department – A stray cat, who has been seen around the Vladivostok Airport before, was recently filmed having a luncheon seafood buffet at an airport market.  Authorities have no idea how the cat got into the seafood case, and assure consumers that the legally prescribed amount of vodka has been used to forget how to disinfect the area.  When reached for comment, the cat stared balefully at the camera for a few moments before mumbling something about reporters under its fishy breath and walking away.  Sources at the Kremlin report that President Putin is planning to denounce the cat as an American plant, just as soon as he finishes his search for a moose and squirrel.

Tonight, one of our closest allies is being attacked.  Please keep the people of Australia, in particular those of Sidney, in your thoughts and prayers tonight.

And to the soldiers and policemen who are working to resolve this, good hunting.

• From the “Jurisprudence” Department – A court in New York has ruled that chimpanzees do not have the same legal rights as a human being.  However, the court found that they are welcome to continue to run for elected office.
• From the “Get A Rope” Department – The Navy is investigating a petty officer after he was accused of taping female naval officers undressing and taking showers aboard a ballistic missile submarine. Female officers have been a part of the crews on missile subs for several years, and apparently this guy decided to take advantage of the close quarters to add to his personal creeper collection.  Here’s hoping there’s a yardarm somewhere on a boomer.
• From the “About Damned Time” Department – The people who were wounded in the 2009 Fort Hood shootings will be awarded Purple Hearts along with related benefits after Congress passed a bill funding the Defense Department.  An amendment to the bill overrides Department of Defense and Obama administration assertions that the shooting was an act of workplace violence, not terrorism, and therefore the people who got shot do not deserve combat awards and benefits.   It’s good to see that occasionally the Congress can do something right.  Now if we can just convince the other two branches of the government to follow their example.
• From the “Operations” Department – NASA is responding to reports that one of its WB-57 high-altitude planes was spotted in Africa this summer.  No details are forthcoming on what the mission of the aircraft was, but my sources suggest it was related to flying.  Of course,the correct response from NASA is not “No comment”.  Rather, it should be “Plane?  What plane?  I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
• From the “First You Say It” Department – A family in Austria got a bit of a surprise the other day when something exploded in their wood-burning stove.  It appears that the wood in the stove came from a tree that had grown over and around a World War II era hand grenade, and it exploded in the fire.  This reminds me of the old trick to clean out the stovepipe on a pot-bellied stove by throwing a couple 7.62 blanks into the fire.  No one was harmed in the incident, and the home was undamaged since the cast iron stove contained the explosion.  I want the name of that stove company.  If their product can contain a grenade, they’ll stand up to pretty much anything I can throw at it.
• From the “Technology” Department – A university in Scotland has developed a tweed fabric that has the scent of whisky embedded in it.  As someone who has lived and worked around Southern women and quit wearing cologne because he got tired of being sniffed and told he smelled good, this needs to stop.  A man who smells of peat and booze will have to learn to run for his life while wearing a stylish jacket.
• From the “TBone Terror” Department – A Scottish policeman recently ran into difficulty arresting a man when he discovered that the man was in a cow shed.  It appears that Officer Courage has a phobia for cows, and needed backup.   The situation was resolved peacefully, which is surprising considering everyone in this situation, including the cows, was Scottish.

• From the “Pistols for the Privates” Department –  Smith and Wesson has teamed up with General Dynamics to compete for the contract to manufacture the next-generation sidearm for the United States military.  Currently, the standard military pistol is the M-9 family of 9mm handguns from Beretta, but that design has been in use for almost 30 years, and a lot of improvement in handguns has occurred since then.  Smith and Wesson brings over 150 years of experience in making quality firearms to the table, while General Dynamics brings decades of knowing which politicians to groom, where to put the factories, and how to work government contracts.  This new effort is, of course, bringing up the 9mm versus .45 debate, the pistol versus short-barreled carbine debate, and the John Moses Browning, PBUH, versus everyone else in the history of firearms, past, present, and future, debate.
• From the “Pot Meets Kettle” Department – Kim Jong Un, North Korean dictator and author of the Hangul best seller “Fat, Frisky, and Ferocious:  A DPRK Love Story”, has called Americans “cannibals and brutal murderers seeking pleasure in slaughter” while visiting a museum dedicated to a supposed massacre of Korean civilians during the Korean War.  The Glorious Leader made the statement while seated on a throne made from the bones of North Korean peasants.  Afterward, he treated himself to a lunch comprised completely with food grown by the prisoners of his extensive penal colonies, with the highlight being a soup made from the tears of the generations of North Korean children who will be stunted by repression and starvation.  In related news, North Koreans are not allowed to name their children “Kim Jong Un”, or to use the name of his father or grandfather.  Those who already have the name are being ‘asked’ to change it.  My sources report that the top name chosen by those who change their name is “Slave”.
• From the “Secret Lairs” Department – A video taken outside of a Google office in London purports to show a “beam of static electricity” emanating from the facility.  The video shows the hair on one man’s head raising on its own, and includes audio and video static before cutting out.  A Google representative, Zorgon the Horrific, responded that the video is a fake, all is well, and we should pay no attention to the gnomes that have been seen digging up the sidewalk in front of the fortress complex.
• From the “First You Say It” Department – Authorities in London are replacing a pane of glass on the new see-through section of a bridge after it shattered.  It appears that someone dropped a glass beer bottle on it, then someone walked across it in high heels.  There was no real danger, since this was only one layer of five, but the pucker factor in central London that night was reported to have been elevated to 11.
• From the “Nobody Rides for Free” Department – Russian authorities are investigating after video of airline passengers helping to push their plane after it became frozen to the ground.  Local conditions included a temperature of -61 F.  For those of you who live in balmy Minnesota, that’s cold enough to have to put on two pairs of long johns and your snowmobile suit.  Apparently the passengers weren’t too worried about any damage their efforts could do to the airplane, but then again, they were flying in a TU-134, so problems with equipment aren’t at the top of their concerns.
• From the “Nothing to See Here” Department – Hey, kids, guess how much it costs to become ambassador to Hungary!  If you said almost $3 million in direct and bundled donations to President Obama’s electoral war chest, you win a cookie!  Apparently that, along with being the producer for a soap opera, qualifies you to be the chief representative to an ally in a region that is heating up.  In related news, not being able to speak Spanish, nor ever visiting Argentina, does not disqualify you from being our ambassador to that nation.  Now why would we want to send qualified diplomats to places like that?  It’s not like anything important could happen there, now could it?
• From the “Two Americas” Department – Police in St. Louis are refusing to describe the alleged murder of a Bosnian immigrant by four black teenagers as a hate crime.  Rather they characterize it as a “crime of opportunity”, even though the group is alleged to have attacked another Bosnian immigrant earlier that evening.  No word yet from Al Sharpton, President Obama, or Attorney General Holder.
• From the “Darwin” Department – A recent study has concluded that ridden toys, such as scooters and miniature electric vehicles, are the most dangerous toys on the market.   Next runner-up on the list were toys that can be a choking hazard to babies and toddlers.  Is this where I point out that the best Christmas present I ever got was a wood burning tool, and that I remember epic Jarts games at my grandmother’s home?
• From the “Catch 22” Department – The IRS has responded to a request for any communications between the IRS and the White House about the tax returns of political opponents by acknowledging that such documents exist, but cannot be disclosed because they contain private information.  So, basically, the IRS cannot disclose what private information was communicated between the IRS and the Obama administration, which may constitute a crime, because to do so would expose the private information and break the law.  And people wonder why the approval rating for the government in general, and the White House in particular, is so low.

• From the “Crunchy Granola” Department – The city of Berkeley, California, site of what used to be one of my favorite record stores on earth, recently passed a law which will require labels on gas pumps to remind consumers that burning fossil fuels releases, and hold onto your hats here, folks, exhaust gases that include carbon dioxide.  This is an effort to remind consumers that the science is settled and that carbon dioxide and other byproducts of modern society are evil, cause evil, and will have evil consequences at some point in the future.  Probably.  Maybe.  Someday.  Whatever.  One wonders if similar stickers will be affixed to the counters at cannabis dispensaries reminding customers that pot isn’t exactly healthy.  One also wonders if Blondie’s Pizza will be forced to put up stickers telling the people on their way home from the pot dispensary that eating too many humongous slices of their wares will lead to obesity, Type II diabetes, and heartburn.  And in related news, I’d like to thank my recruiter for giving me an option to get the heck out of the Bay Area when I did.  I need to find that man and buy him a beer.
• From the “Crowdsourcing” Department – The Buffalo Bills are offering $10 an hour and tickets to the Sunday game against the New York Jets to anyone who will come in and help to remove the over 200,000 tons of snow that dumped on the stadium during a recent winter storm.  How’s about this for a date?  Thursday, you and your sweetie put in 8 hours apiece clearing snow at the football stadium, making $160.  You use that money to buy Sabres tickets for Saturday, and get lit at the game while watching a real sport.  Sunday, you wake up, work off the hangover at a tailgate party, then go to the Bills/Jets game?  The woman who would do that with her man would be wife material for me.
• From the “Hero” Department – A man in Maine is being hailed for rescuing an infant from an SUV that was upside down in a creek.  The child was not breathing when the Samaritan cut him out of the vehicle, but recovered after being given CPR by another rescuer.  The man is confirming that he is a good person by trying to downplay his actions, saying that he just happened to be at the right place at the right time.
• From the “Chutzpah” Department – A woman in Texas is suing the owners of the dog her dogs killed.  Apparently after the owner of the dead beagle called the police and had the attacking dogs declared dangerous, their owner has been under stress due to the bites and scratches she received after her dogs broke into her neighbor’s yard and tore his pet apart.  Just goes to show that you can sue anyone, anytime.  Here’s hoping that the courts dismiss her suit with prejudice, by which I mean that she is taken behind the courthouse, beaten with the heavy end of a dog leash, and then forced to clean up the local dog park with her bare hands for a year.

• From the “I Knew It!” Department – Scientists seem to have isolated a virus that causes a slight dip IQ in infected animals and humans.  For those of you who have long suspected that stupidity was contagious, this is your proof.  I look forward to an over-the-counter detection kit, which will be mandatory for anyone wishing to speak to me.
• From the “Science!” Department – Scientists have performed a limited study on the effects of regular use of marijuana on the human brain.  Their findings confirm what I have suspected for years:  people who smoke a lot of pot for a long time develop cognitive issues.  I’m sure I’m not alone in having that feeling.  I would be interested in seeing how these findings stack up against chronic users of alcohol and caffeine, as well as harder drugs like meth and heroine.  I’m still for legalization, or at least de-criminalization of recreational use, but I will be the last person to ever tell you that using this stuff three times a day for years is good for you.   Like all substances that make changes to the human body, sometimes it’s beneficial and sometimes it’s not.
• From the “Tragedy” Department – A young boy in Cleveland is dead after police shot him the other night.  Evidently, the young man had an airsoft gun with the distinctive orange cap removed, and when he pulled it out in front of two policemen, they shot him.  This reminds me of the case last year where a teenager was killed in California when his airsoft AK pattern gun was mistaken for the real thing.  Parents, it’s past time for us to teach our children that guns are not toys, and to make sure that if we buy them airsoft or BB guns, then there is little to no chance that it can be mistaken for a gun.   Our kids need to know to treat any gun-shaped object as if it were a real gun, and to respect the responsibility that comes with it.
• From the “Horrors!” Department – Labor unions are in the Obamacare crosshairs as the 40% excise tax on so-called “Cadillac Plans” starts to loom on the regulatory horizon.  Basically, if your employer provides a health plan that is worth $23,000 or more, it’s taxable.  Since a lot of union health plans are very generous, a large number of people who either directly or indirectly support the president and other democrats responsible for drafting, passing, or implementing the ACA will be hit right in the irony bone with a $9200 tax bill.  Even though I’m probably in that class myself and will cry and gnash my teeth when the new line item shows up on my tax documentation, I love the schadenfreude of knowing that President Obama’s most ardent supporters will be with me checking the oil on his bus.
• From the “Hamburger” Department – An Irish bull, whose owner believed to be gay due to its preference to mate with other bulls, has been sold to an animal sanctuary in England rather than be slaughtered.  Simpsons co-creator Sam Simon chipped in funds to transport and provide for the bull, who will spend his dotage roaming fields of clover instead of being nestled between leaves of lettuce and slices of tomato.  It’s too bad, really.  I’m sure the meat would have tasted fabulous.
• From the “Don’t See That Every Day” Department – A man was arrested recently at Boston’s Logan Airport for a laundry list of charges.  It seems that Captain Success tried to climb across a fake ceiling, nude, so that he could take a gander at the ladies restroom, but fell through into the men’s restroom and injured himself.  He then allegedly ran out of the restroom and assaulted an elderly man and injured a police officer who was arresting him. Now, that would be an interesting scenario for IDPA.  “OK, hoss, what you’re gonna do is drop your pants, sit on this here commode, and wait.  At some point after the timer beeps, a target is going to drop from the ceiling.  Draw from your holster and engage until the target is neutralized.  Whether you stand up or not is up to you.   Do you understand the course of fire?”