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News Roundup

  • From the “Pistols for the Privates” Department –  Smith and Wesson has teamed up with General Dynamics to compete for the contract to manufacture the next-generation sidearm for the United States military.  Currently, the standard military pistol is the M-9 family of 9mm handguns from Beretta, but that design has been in use for almost 30 years, and a lot of improvement in handguns has occurred since then.  Smith and Wesson brings over 150 years of experience in making quality firearms to the table, while General Dynamics brings decades of knowing which politicians to groom, where to put the factories, and how to work government contracts.  This new effort is, of course, bringing up the 9mm versus .45 debate, the pistol versus short-barreled carbine debate, and the John Moses Browning, PBUH, versus everyone else in the history of firearms, past, present, and future, debate.
  • From the “Pot Meets Kettle” Department – Kim Jong Un, North Korean dictator and author of the Hangul best seller “Fat, Frisky, and Ferocious:  A DPRK Love Story”, has called Americans “cannibals and brutal murderers seeking pleasure in slaughter” while visiting a museum dedicated to a supposed massacre of Korean civilians during the Korean War.  The Glorious Leader made the statement while seated on a throne made from the bones of North Korean peasants.  Afterward, he treated himself to a lunch comprised completely with food grown by the prisoners of his extensive penal colonies, with the highlight being a soup made from the tears of the generations of North Korean children who will be stunted by repression and starvation.  In related news, North Koreans are not allowed to name their children “Kim Jong Un”, or to use the name of his father or grandfather.  Those who already have the name are being ‘asked’ to change it.  My sources report that the top name chosen by those who change their name is “Slave”.
  • From the “Secret Lairs” Department – A video taken outside of a Google office in London purports to show a “beam of static electricity” emanating from the facility.  The video shows the hair on one man’s head raising on its own, and includes audio and video static before cutting out.  A Google representative, Zorgon the Horrific, responded that the video is a fake, all is well, and we should pay no attention to the gnomes that have been seen digging up the sidewalk in front of the fortress complex.
  • From the “First You Say It” Department – Authorities in London are replacing a pane of glass on the new see-through section of a bridge after it shattered.  It appears that someone dropped a glass beer bottle on it, then someone walked across it in high heels.  There was no real danger, since this was only one layer of five, but the pucker factor in central London that night was reported to have been elevated to 11.
  • From the “Nobody Rides for Free” Department – Russian authorities are investigating after video of airline passengers helping to push their plane after it became frozen to the ground.  Local conditions included a temperature of -61 F.  For those of you who live in balmy Minnesota, that’s cold enough to have to put on two pairs of long johns and your snowmobile suit.  Apparently the passengers weren’t too worried about any damage their efforts could do to the airplane, but then again, they were flying in a TU-134, so problems with equipment aren’t at the top of their concerns.
  • From the “Nothing to See Here” Department – Hey, kids, guess how much it costs to become ambassador to Hungary!  If you said almost $3 million in direct and bundled donations to President Obama’s electoral war chest, you win a cookie!  Apparently that, along with being the producer for a soap opera, qualifies you to be the chief representative to an ally in a region that is heating up.  In related news, not being able to speak Spanish, nor ever visiting Argentina, does not disqualify you from being our ambassador to that nation.  Now why would we want to send qualified diplomats to places like that?  It’s not like anything important could happen there, now could it?
  • From the “Two Americas” Department – Police in St. Louis are refusing to describe the alleged murder of a Bosnian immigrant by four black teenagers as a hate crime.  Rather they characterize it as a “crime of opportunity”, even though the group is alleged to have attacked another Bosnian immigrant earlier that evening.  No word yet from Al Sharpton, President Obama, or Attorney General Holder.
  • From the “Darwin” Department – A recent study has concluded that ridden toys, such as scooters and miniature electric vehicles, are the most dangerous toys on the market.   Next runner-up on the list were toys that can be a choking hazard to babies and toddlers.  Is this where I point out that the best Christmas present I ever got was a wood burning tool, and that I remember epic Jarts games at my grandmother’s home?
  • From the “Catch 22” Department – The IRS has responded to a request for any communications between the IRS and the White House about the tax returns of political opponents by acknowledging that such documents exist, but cannot be disclosed because they contain private information.  So, basically, the IRS cannot disclose what private information was communicated between the IRS and the Obama administration, which may constitute a crime, because to do so would expose the private information and break the law.  And people wonder why the approval rating for the government in general, and the White House in particular, is so low.
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