• From the “Anywhere, Anytime” Department – A Spanish tourist in New York is recovering after being bashed in the head with a hammer.  The man was sitting on a park bench* when for no apparent reason his attacker started beating him about the head and shoulders with a hammer.  Since this is New York, I expect to see Al Sharpton protesting Home Depot, while Mayor Bloomberg holds press conferences demanding that Black and Decker make design changes to their hammers to prevent such things from happening.
• From the “Big Brass Ones” Department – A group of men did something that I have never heard of before back in 1957:  They stood directly underneath a nuclear explosion and lived to tell the tale.  Not only did they stand on ground zero for the bomb, but they wore no protective gear.  Just goes to show how little people knew about nuclear weapons back in the day, but then if you walked into a place where a bunch of young American men congregate today and challenged them to stand 10,000 feet under a nuclear explosion, I don’t think you’d have trouble filling that roster.
• From the “Aw Hell” Department – Scientists are warning about the latest flu pandemic threat.  What is different this time is the source of the pestilence:  harbor seals.  That’s right, Slappy the Seal might be spreading the latest mass illness.  I look forward to even more interrogations from my doctor about the seal flu shot this year.
• From the “Your Taxes at Work” Department – The United States government spent $200 million on facilities to train Iraqi policemen in a program that is now being abandoned.  Overall, almost $8 billion has been spent to provide the Iraqi people with a competent police force.  Apparently we might have had a better return on that investment if we’d just put 8 billion dollars in one dollar bills through a shredder then used the resulting confetti to hold a ticker tape parade in Baghdad.  At least then we would have sold beer and tee shirts.
• From the “We Have A Winner” Department – A member of the Romney campaign team is apologizing to reporters after he told them to “show some respect”, “kiss my ass”, and “shove it” as they shouted questions at Romney as he left the Polish Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.  I think Mr. Romney may have found his running mate. He could sit back and be the staffer make comments about Joe Biden’s mother while he questions the heritage and marital status of reporters’ parents.  Hey guys, how about you observe and report the news instead of making the news, OK?

*It is unknown whether or not snot was running down his nose at the time of the attack.

• From the “Classy” Department – PETA, which to my surprise is not an acronym for People Eating Tasty Animals, is taking bets on how long Senator Grassley of Iowa will live now that he has come out against a Department of Agriculture newsletter that urged employees to give up meat on Mondays.  I might start taking bets on how slowly human beings, as a species, give up meat as an important part of their diet.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love vegetarians.  Some of my favorite dishes are made from vegetarians.  Heck, every fall I go out in the woods looking for vegetarians just so I can invite them back to my house so they can live in my freezer.
• From the “Mystery Mammal” Department – A woman in New York is questioning the official explanation for a strange carcass she and some friends came upon during a stroll along the East River.  Police say it was a leftover pig from a cookout, while the pictures don’t seem to look much like a pig.  After looking at the pictures, I’m not sure what it is, but something tells me that the nice men from the Monster Control Bureau might be involved.  I wonder what the PUFF is on the rare North American SchweinHund?
• From the “Shocked Face” Department – The union that represents agents of Immigration and Customs Enforcement is asserting that illegal immigrants are now using the recently announced implementation of the yet-to-be-approved-by-Congress Dream Act as a get-out-of-jail-free card.  The union claims that agents are being told to release anyone arrested for immigration violations if they claim to have been here since they were a minor, such as saying that they went to school in the United States.  I for one am shocked that given the choice of lieing to a federal agent and and walking away or facing prison time and eventually deportation, these men and women are choosing to claim that their parents brought them to this country while they were still suckling babes, even if some of them may have crossed the border last Tuesday. 
• From the “Losing Altitude and Air Speed” Department – The U.S. economy grew at a pretty weak rate in the last quarter.  Instead of the robust growth that Fearless Leader has been pointing us toward lo these many years, it grew at an anemic 1.5%.  Well, at least my 401K is keeping up with GDP, sort of.  When asked for comment, the White House responded “Hope and Change!  Good times are just around the corner!  Who are you going to believe, me or your lieing eyes?”.  Is it just me, or does the feeling in the gut you get when you think about the economy like the one you get just as the roller coaster starts to go over into that first big drop?
• From the “Gun Free Zone” Department – Three men are under arrest after driving into a Jewish summer camp, causing property damage, and threatening campers and staff.  This goes to show a difference between American Jews and Israelis.  Something tells me that driving your truck into a kibbutz in Israel, causing damage, and threatening to kill its inhabitants wouldn’t end well for these guys.  I believe the police report would have included the phrase “nice grouping”.
• From the “Play Stupid Games” Department – The head of the insurance agency that insures Pennsylvania State University is moving to keep his company from having to pay off on any claims against PSU for the damage done by its failure to report Jerry Sandusky to authorities.  I think this makes sense.  The university didn’t tell their insurer they were shielding a serial child molester, so the insurer shouldn’t be responsible for paying out the expected hundreds of millions of dollars in fines and settlements.  Hopefully PSU has to sell off their football stadium to pay for this.  It’s not like they’ll be putting it to much good use for a long time.
• From the “Riverine Submarine” Department – Researchers in Canada believe that they have found a sunken German U-Boat sunken in a river more than 60 miles from the ocean.  German officials are asking that if indeed it is a submarine from World War II that it be left alone as a war grave.  I look forward to finding out if this is indeed a sb, and if so, which one it is.  Of course, we may never know how it ended up where it is, but I’m sure a B movie from Hollywood is already in the works.  Also, wouldn’t “Riverine Submarine” make a great name for a psychedelic band?
• From the “Stairway to Heaven” Department – Workers at a BART station in San Francisco had to call in a hazmat team recently when they discovered that a large pile of human feces was gumming up the works on an escalator they were working on.  Apparently this is a common problem in BART stations, as homeless people use them as sleeping areas and toilets after the stations are closed down for the night.  For those of you playing at home, this is going on the board as reason number 81204571 that I will not move back to the Bay Area.  Imagine the poor bastard who has to put on the white vinyl suit a couple of times a week to go in and clean up yet another pile of night soil that’s been sitting in the summer heat and San Francisco damp.

• From the “Stop Touching It!” Department – A man in Texas is in police custody after his concealed carry gun went off, wounding him and two other people.  Apparently it fired when he reached into his pocket for his wallet, hitting him in the butt and sending fragments into a woman and a child. I hope it hurts to sit for a long time.  People, get a holster.  Get a few.  Use them.  These stories are getting old.
• From the “Taking It A Bit Far” Department – A man in Utah created a bit of a sensation recently when he dressed up in a ‘goat suit’ and crawled around a hillside up in the Wasatch.  He is apparently trying it out for a hunt later this year. He plans to use the suit to try to sneak up on mountain goats for an easier shot.  Part of me hopes he’s successful.  I look forward to a story on the hunting shows about the maniac who took down a bighorn sheep with a bowie-knife.
• From the “Get A Rope” Department – A New Hampshire man has been arrested after he admitted to setting two fires on the nuclear submarine U.S.S. Miami in order to get off work early.  Captain Success was apparently going through some of the things that life throws at all of us, and rather than taking a mental health break to get his head right, decided to set a couple fires so that he could go home.  One of those fires gutted the submarine.  He’s up for a life sentence and a stiff fine if he’s convicted.  If he is indeed convicted, I say he should spend the rest of his life cleaning out the septic systems of dry-docked Navy vessels with his toothbrush, preferably while they’re still in use.  He’s just lucky that no-one was killed putting out his fires.
• From the “All Righty” Department – Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York and international star of necrophiliac furry snuff films, is backing away from a wish he made that all of the police in the United States go on strike until stricter gun laws are passed.  You know what, Mikey?  I’m for that.  Let the thin blue line disappear for a few weeks, and we’ll see what happens.  I’m guessing that the Dead Goblin Count will skyrocket in the first few days until a Darwinian process causes the rash and stupid to die off.  Also, let those who live in a walking sleep wake up when Officer Friendly isn’t there to keep the predators in check.  Maybe then they’ll stop looking at those of us who take responsibility for our own safety like we were Martians.
• From the “Shocked Face” Department – Federal and state investigators in Kentucky are putting people in jail after a long-held tradition of vote-buying got out of hand in eastern Kentucky.  I wonder how long this has been going on.  My guess is that the first vote was bought in the United States about 15 minutes before the polls opened back in 1792.
• From the “Stepford Wife” Department – The mystery woman recently seen in public with North Korean leader and all around good egg Kim Jong Un has been identified as his wife.  I’ve got 20 bucks that says she’s an advanced robot/sex toy illicitly imported from Japan.  Then again, there’s someone for everyone.  Even Quasimodo had a lady love, so I congratulate the young lady on landing the leader of a backwards, repressive, starving asylum of a country.  Mazeltov!
• From the “Engineering by Litigation” Department – A lawsuit against Glock is moving forward in California after an appeals court ruled that a jury should be able to judge whether or not the lack of a grip safety and the ‘light’ trigger on the popular pistol made it possible for a three year old boy to shoot his father in the back after he found it under the seat of a car.  Apparently it’s too hard to keep a pistol away from three year olds, and pistol manufacturers need to put in even more doodads to save us from stupidity.  Just what we need, a Glock with a zit.
• From the “Jet Set” Department – A young boy in Britain has a story to tell when school starts.  It seems he decided to run away from home, found his way into the secure area of the Manchester airport, and boarded a plane to Rome.  Security personnel and flight crew were clueless until other passengers reported the young man.  He is safe and sound back home after being put on the next flight back to Britain from Italy.  The young man is said to have enjoyed his trip, and is now asking his mother what a Turkish prison is and if he can watch gladiator movies.

• From the “Yes, but” Department – A new study claims that men and women show love for their spouses in different ways.  According to scientists in Texas, men tend to show love by initiating sex, doing household chores, and enjoying leisure time together.  Women, on the other hand, are said to express love by being less antagonistic.  I tend to agree with the findings for men, but not for women.  Irish Woman is affectionate, both with me and with the children.  She also shows her love, and will admit to it if questioned, by cooking certain dishes, doing household work so that I won’t have to when I get home, and not putting up a fight when I say I’m going off to do something for the day.  Honestly, it’s usually her suggestion that I get to the range.   My opinion is that if the only way you can tell that your wife is expressing love is expressing her love for you is that she eased off on starting fights or making pithy comments for a while, maybe you need to re-evaluate your whole “I know she loves me” analysis methods. 
• From the “Ummm, No” Department – A man in Oklahoma is appealing his sentence for shooting and killing a would-be robber after he had already shot him and the man was down.  Basically, two guys started to rob the store, the man pulled out his gun, shot one of them in the head, causing him to drop.  The other robber ran out of the store with the man in pursuit. The man then returned to the store and shot the already wounded robber to death.  He’s claiming that his Asbergers syndrome made it impossible for him to make a good decision in the chaotic situation.  To this I say:  You should have thought of that before you put the gun in the holster that morning.  You can’t look back on a shooting and say “Wasn’t my fault because I didn’t have the capacity to make a good decision”.  I’m pretty sure that most states have a question to the effect of “Do you have any conditions that would make you unsafe to carry and use a deadly weapon?” on their concealed carry license application.  If you answered honestly, then you shouldn’t have been carrying the gun.  Either that, or you’re grasping at straws because you didn’t control your anger and adrenaline, which I’ll grant is very difficult.  But that’s the responsibility you take when you say “I am responsible for my own safety and security, and a firearm is the tool I am going to use to do it.”  After being shot in the head and laying on the floor bleeding, the deceased was no longer a threat, and neither was his buddy that you chased after he left the store.  Coming back and finishing off the guy you just shot makes it murder, not self defense. 
• From the “Mother of the Year” Department – A woman in Utah, along with a man in Oregon, are under arrest after the man provided the 13-year-old daughter of the woman with an iPhone loaded with shirtless pictures of himself, and the mother assisted the girl in taking nude photos of herself with the phone and sending them to the man.  Apparently, the mother was OK with this sick situation, and claims that she and the man had agreed that he and the girl would refrain from physical sexual contact until she turned 18.  Well, thank the Lord for small favors!  Hopefully both of the adults in this case are sent somewhere dark, damp, and dirty for a very long time over this, and the young girl gets as much psychological support as can be had.  She’s got a long way back to something approximating “normal” if this is what her mother has been doing to raise her.
• From the “Atrocity” Department – A 24-year-old man in Colorado has been arrested after police claim he threw a gas or smoke grenade into a theater showing the latest Batman movie, then opened fire on the audience.  Reports are that 12 people are dead and 50 were injured in the attack.  Police are searching his apartment, which appears to be booby-trapped and the suspect claims contains explosives.  I’m not going to go over the detailed and hotly argued self-defense implications of this scenario because I’m sure better minds are already going over that, but my first instinct would be to grab the wife and kids and run.  My gun will be used to clear any threats that are between my family and the exit, not to engage an attacker that is not impeding our progress.  I’d rather be a live coward with an intact family than have people opine about how brave I was to stand between the attacker and the bodies of strangers at my wake or the at my daughter’s hospital bed.  We all have hero fantasies, but this isn’t one of mine.  All of us will be keeping the people hurt by this in our thoughts and prayers.  If you’re of a mind to, please do so as well.  Of course, the normal gang of idiots are clamoring for the government to tighten gun laws.  Basically, murder with guns is bad, so we have to make murdering people with guns more illegaler.  To those who will use this tragedy for gain, on either side of the argument, all I can say is “Shame on you”.  Before you start pushing any agenda, give the families time to bury their dead and heal their hurt.  Oh, and Mayor Bloomberg, there are precisely zero things that a president can do to deter or stop things like this from happening unless you totally disarm the civilian population and put a heavily armed policeman or soldier every few feet in all public spaces.  Even then, it’s no guarantee.  Danger, even the danger of something horrific happening, is the cost of liberty.  In order to take away the right that this monster abused from other monsters, you would have to take it away from all of us, and I will not let anything, even the deaths of children, do that.

• From the “Free Enterprise” Department – Experts are warning that the legalization of marijuana in states such as Colorado could drive down the price of marijuana across the country.  Apparently this is perceived to be a bad thing.  To me, it’s a meh thing.  If people want to get high, they will find a way.  Sniffing gasoline, smoking weed, snorting household cleaners mixed with cold medicine, or whatever it takes to get stoned have all been done, and will continue to be done until the sun cools.  Prohibition on the use of an easily grown plant has been less than useless, and legalization will not only lower prices, but it will also ensure that the drugs that people are using are at least as safe as the bourbon, coffee, and tobacco they use every day.  Great googly moogly, we’ve been arguing about smoking rope since 1965.  Can we please just drop the issue and move on to something new?
• From the “FREEDOM!!!” Department – A judge in Oregon has acquitted a man accused of exposing his genitalia illegally during a protest against the TSA.  The man in question was asked to go through “enhanced screening” and since he’d probably already had his hernia and prostate checked for the year, decided to strip to the buff instead.  We here at DaddyBear’s Den wish this man well and congratulate him on sticking it, or at least showing it, to the man.
• From the “HeadDesk” Department – George Zimmermann, the man accused of second degree murder after he shot a teenager he claims was trying to beat him to death, went on television with his lawyer today.  That sound you hear is me gnashing my teeth.  Get.Off.The.Television.You.Dolt.  Your lawyer should know that anything you say at this late date will be at best useless, and you all should be concentrating on getting on with your trial.  And to be honest, I don’t care if you pray for the guy you shot, his parents, the Queen of Zambia, or the Space Pope.  Quit making it harder for your lawyer to get you an acquittal.
• From the “AR 670-1” Department – A group of soldiers are showing off their love for a television cartoon by wearing rainbow patches on their uniform.  Before I go on a rant about grown men watching a cartoon meant for little girls, I will remind myself that I enjoy cartoons at least as much as the next guy.  And I have to admit something:  I painted a two foot picture of Homer Simpson next to my name on my track once.*  But guys, it’s a uniform, not your pajamas.  Want to wear that kind of stuff off-duty and out of uniform?  Have at it.  Want to put nifty patches on your uniform?  There are schools for that in such places as Fort Benning, Fort Bragg, and Fort Campbell.  The two should never mix.
• From the “Fighting Words” Department – Senator Charles Schumer, senator from New York and collector of artisanal coprolites, has called for curbs on the First Amendment in his arguments for passage of the Disclose Act.  Apparently forcing political donors into the limelight is the same as restricting the yelling of “FIRE!” in a crowded theater.  Personally, I hope the good senator wakes up with a horse’s head tomorrow, but let’s not speak of his wife in this space.  You know, I’m pretty sure that blatant violation of the First Amendment would be the “line in the sand” for a lot of people to get off their asses and start lighting their torches.
• From the “Cold Dead Hands” Department – Two men were arrested recently when they tried to cross the border from Canada carrying contraband.  No, it wasn’t weapons or drugs. It was chocolate eggs with a toy in the middle.  Apparently Mama Gubmint has decided that we might choke on the small pieces or something and has made them verboten.  To this I say:  You may take our lands, you may take our lives, but you’ll never take our KinderEier!

*It lasted for about 72 hours before I was out there with a stencil and some spray paint putting it back the way it was before I got creative.  Who knew the Sergeant Major would look at all four sides of the vehicles during an inspection?

• From the “Obsession” Department – Two men in Indianapolis have formulated a variety of paint designed just for painting your brown grass green.  As someone who wouldn’t mind plowing his entire lawn under and planting vegetables, I look at this kind of dedication to useless fescue as a little strange.  But to each his own, I guess.  I’ll just remember to keep my distance if one of my neighbors breaks out the spray can instead of the rototiller.
• From the “Aquatic Avenger” Department – A swimmer in a lake in northern Minnesota was recently attacked by what is believed to be an otter.  She reports being bitten 25 times.  I’m not surprised that she did so well against the beast.  She has to be as hard as chicken lips.  Swimming in northern Minnesota, even in July, is enough to cause things to shrivel up.  No word yet on whether or not the Obama administration’s Interior Department will be pressing charges against the young lady for disturbing the rare Minnesota aquatic wolverine in its natural habitat.
• From the “Unintended Consequence” Department – Scientists in California are blaming rat poison used at illegal marijuana growing sites for the death of a multitude of endangered animals.  I see this as yet another thing that the “war” on drugs has caused.  I’m no fan of drug use, but if cannabis was being grown by Norwegian bachelor farmers instead of thugs in a forest glade, there would be fewer dead weasels in the woods.
• From the “Bad Ideas” Department – A man in Louisiana has invented an iPhone case that doubles as a stun gun.  Details of how it works aren’t contained in the article, but I hope there is some kind of safety on the thing, because nothing will put a bad spin on your day like giving yourself a 650,000 volt zap in the ear first thing in the morning.  The thing that comes to mind is the holster that looks like a wallet or a cell phone, which I also don’t think are very good ideas.  Let’s not give Officer Friendly an excuse to shoot someone because they had something that he thought was a weapon when it was just his overpriced phone.
• From the “End of an Era” Department – Ron Paul’s bid to get enough delegates to secure a speaking spot at the Republican convention ended the other day with the Nebraska state convention.  Dr. Paul will have to see if he is given a chance to speak by the governing committee.  For the sake of the party, I hope he gets to speak.  If Romney wants to make inroads on the libertarian wing of the party, he needs to let their candidate have a say in what the party stands for.

• From the “Wurst That Could Happen” Department – A truck in Germany crashed recently, spilling its load of mustard and vinegar onto the roadway.  The results are reported to be very odiferous.  In related news, a Swedish company is in hot water after a rather…. suggestive advertisement for its sausage, featuring a woman’s lips wrapped around a sausage, caused an uproar.  Between the two of them, I suddenly have a rather urgent craving for a hot dog with mustard and sauerkraut.  Hey, sex sells, and I happen to think that good German mustard smells wonderful.
• From the “Bad Idea” Department – A man in Florida was arrested recently when he took his gun out of his pocket, put it on the counter at Walmart, demanded bullets, and threatened a police officer who was summoned to the store.  Reports are that he was drinking in the parking lot before going into the store and that he does not have a concealed carry license.  Wow, that’s a lot going on in one man’s afternoon.  Guys, our cause is just, but the anti-gunners aren’t the only ones with bad apples.
• From the “Big Brass Ones” Department – A convenience store clerk recently won the “DaddyBear Annual Mal Hombre Award” when she told a woman who was trying to rob her store to get back in line and wait her turn.  I wonder if she gave her the death stare too?   The miscreant appears to have fled when the clerk called the police, but I’m pretty sure she won’t be messing with this particular store in the future.
• From the “Bad Things” Department – The leaders of several British banks will be lucky if all that happens to them is that they are sacked over a scandal involving a key interest rate.  They are accused of falsifying data used to set the LIBOR rate, which has a tremendous amount of influence on business around the globe.  I say they’d be lucky to be sacked, because if the economy nose dives because of their alleged behavior, I’m pretty sure that torches and pitchforks won’t be far off.  By the by, Coffee and Markets had an excellent episode discussing LIBOR and this scandal the other day.
• From the “Go Fast, Turn Left” Department – A woman in Michigan is accused of dressing up the corpse of her housemate and propping him up to watch NASCAR with her.  Having sat through a few NASCAR races on television, I can say that being embalmed helps.  Whiskey is an embalming fluid, right?

• From the “With Friends Like This” Department – The United States has designated Afghanistan as a major ally, which will make it easier to sell weapons and other goods to the Central Asian craphole.  Of course, everyone knows that there’s no better strategy for peace than to sell guns and missiles to a country where it’s not uncommon for ‘allied’ soldiers to shoot our soldiers.  I mean, it’s not like members of the Bundeswehr haven’t been garotting GI’s for almost 70 years, and everyone knows that sharing a foxhole with a KATUSA is just asking to asking to wake up with a bayonet in your guts.  I’m sure the weapons that Afghanistan will be provided under this designation will only be used to maintain and expand peace and security in Afghanistan, and that not a single bullet will be used against our troops.
• From the “You and Me Both, John” Department – John Huntsman, who is rumored to have run for the Republican nomination this year, has announced that he will not be attending any more Republican conventions.  He plans to continue his boycott until the party returns to its roots and becomes more than the “We’re just barely less liberal than the other guys” party.  I tend to agree.  I would like to announce that I will also not be attending the Republican convention this year, and I will continue to absent myself until the party adopts a platform of securing the border, cutting federal spending, and punching hippies.
• From the “Good Idea” Department – The British Department of Education has announced plans for a new test for students in which they will be tested on grammar and language use.  Imagine that, the English are proposing a test on the proper use of the Queen’s English.  I support this movement by our British cousins and hope that this idea spreads over to this side of the big water.  If I had a nickel for every screwed up email I get with people speaking in text, I wouldn’t have to budget for ammunition anymore.  I half expect to see a resume written like a text message someday.
• From the “Dead Snake Slithering” Department – A baby in Florida was recently bitten by a small python that had crawled into her apartment.  Police believe it is the pet of one of the neighbors, but are still investigating.  The tyke is said to be doing well, and the snake has been taken to a pet shelter.  If it were my child and I came in to find a two foot snake coiled around her foot and biting, I wouldn’t have needed to call animal control.  Rather, I would be going online to search for a good carpet cleaning surface, preferably one with experience in removing reptile entrails out of berber.
• From the “Brain Dead” Department – A Saint Louis man is in custody after he allegedly shot at three boys who were setting off fireworks.  One of the boys was hit, but is reported to be doing OK.  No news yet on whether or not the moron who is accused of shooting him will be punished in a just manner for his idiocy, by which I mean being suspended head down in a vat of pig waste.  People like this make life harder for the rest of us.