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Snow Drivers

By now, you would think that most everyone would have either learned how to drive in winter weather, or would have been removed from the driving pool through attrition.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to have happened quite as often as I would have wanted.  Here are a few of the people I have run into so far today while making my way to and from work:

  • The “Eastbound and Down” – An over the road semi-driver who has been there, done that, and doesn’t seem to have learned anything from the experience.  He’s got a half gallon of hot coffee, a truck full of sundry goods to move, and not enough time to get to his destination.  He’s going to try to push through the worst conditions, because there are people who need that load of toilet paper and kitty litter in Des Moines.  I’ll give this one a break on occasion, because sometimes he does it out of fear for his job when his manager or dispatcher tells him to push through, no matter what.
  • The “35 and Alive” – This is the driver that I appreciate when the weather sucks, but want to napalm when the roads are clean and dry.  They’ll make it to their destination safely, and you’ll make it home eventually, no matter how good or bad the road conditions.  Usually can be identified by the AARP or “My honor student goes to the Mengele Institute” bumper stickers.
  • The “Four Low and Foxy” – This bluntskull thinks that because there is a knobby set of tires on her rims and a 4WD button on the shift stick, she can power through anything, including an inch of ice on the road.  In her defense, without her ministrations, I would never be able to say that I’ve seen a Hummer H2 do a pirouette on I-65.
  • The “Tunnel Vision” – This oxygen thief clears a small hole in the snow and frost on the windshield, and possibly on the driver’s window, but leaves 18 inches of snow, ice, and schmutz on the other windows, along with the roof and back deck of the car.  They have a field of vision that’s about as wide as their shoulders, so be aware that they may not see or hear you as you signal their error in trying to merge with your engine compartment on the freeway.  They provide a service to the community, though, because where else can you test out your wiper blades and anti-lock brakes at the same time?
  • The “Live to Ride” – This cretin does not care how cold it is, nor how bad the roads, he’s riding that hog every day of the year.  You go from wondering at what he’s thinking, to saluting his skill at negotiating winter roads on two wheels, to praying for his soul the first time you see him hit a patch of black ice.  He gets extra points if it’s not a Harley he’s riding, but rather he’s braving the Arctic blast on a Schwinn.
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