Recently, it came to light that about half of the Agriculture Department employees who have been tapped to relocate from the Washington, DC, area to Kansas City have either refused to move or have not even given us, their employer, the dignity of a reply.

In this age of instant telecommunications and data sharing, it is wasteful to concentrate so many talented and dedicated people in the federal capital. Put them in places where their salaries will go further, as will the budgets for their departments. Put them closer to the universities, businesses, and other institutions that connect with their areas of expertise, so that we can finally see a renaissance of public-private-academic synergy that typifies American ingenuity.

However, it seems that the effort to move personnel out of the extremely expensive real estate that is DC is ruffling some feathers. I mean, what kind of folks wouldn’t want to move out of the effluvial swamp that is our nation’s capital to the relatively inexpensive and clean Midwest?

Ungrateful bastards, that’s who.

So, taking a cue from the “You don’t want to do it my way? Really? Then we can get crazy!” school of leadership, here are my proposals for where to put several federal agencies that makes more sense than Gehenna on the Potomac.

1. Army Corps of Engineers – 9th Ward, New Orleans. Maybe we’ll finally have to stop worrying about those damned flood walls failing every time it sprinkles.
2. Department of the Air Force – Minot, North Dakota, because only the best go north.
3. Department of the Navy – 29 Palms, California. Heck, they could just convert the MOUT site over to office buildings.
4. Department of the Army – Fayetteville, North Carolina. Let the civilians go to Fayettenam for a change.
5. Department of the Treasury – Radcliff, Kentucky. Put the accountants right next to the gold vault and the trailer park.
6. Department of the Interior – Denali or Death Valley. Their choice.
7. EPA – Bakersfield, California – The most polluted city in the country. Clean up your own back yard for a change.
8. Social Security Administation – Phoenix or Boca Raton. Put them with their customers in heaven’s waiting room.

Maybe once they’ve had a taste of a few of the places I mention, these long-serving, whining, over-paid deserters from a traveling porcine bordello will smarten up, shut up, and just do their job where they’re told to do it and be grateful that we still cut them a check.

Or, they can quit and get a job commensurate with their skills and work ethic. I hear that there’s good money in being a human guinea pig for chemical castration experiments.

Either way, they’ll be out of DC.