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News Roundup

  • From the “Air Assault Parenting” Department – Spanish gynecologists have developed a speaker that is designed to stimulate the development and maturity of children as they grow in their mother’s womb.  While the concept of using music directed at an unborn child is nothing new, their approach is.  You see, rather than just putting a pair of headphones on the mother’s belly, this speaker is designed to be used internally.  Yeah, so that happened.  Ladies, repeat after me:  good nutrition, healthy exercise, rest, prenatal medical care.  Everything else can wait until after the little one is a cute bundle keeping you awake at 2 AM, and an infant doesn’t care about Mozart or the Winnie The Pooh wallpaper.
  • From the “Going Places” Department – A young girl in Iowa showed a lot of personal initiative the other day when she penned a note to her mother trying to convince her that Christmas break had been extended.  I look forward to her 2056 presidential campaign.
  • From the “Flag On The Play” Department – A Buffalo Bills fan set himself on fire by jumping, not once, but twice, across a table which had been set aflame during pre-game festivities.  By ‘festivities’ I mean ‘Getting liquored up and having a wonderful time’.  Team doctors cleared him for play, and he started at fullback later that afternoon.
  • From the “Whoopsie!” Department – A dummy Hellfire missile, which the U.S. sent to Spain for a training exercise, has ended up in the hands of the Cuban government.  It appears that the missile was mis-sorted when it was shipped back to the United States, and somehow got put on a plane to Cuba while transiting France.  No word yet on when the errant missile will return to the U.S., although sources report that it has developed an affinity for rum and good cigars.  A spokesman for workers at the Paris airport reportedly told journalists that he ‘farts in their general direction’ when questioned about the incident.
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