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Growing Up Under My Roof

This is sort of PSA for young people.

The following are your rights while living under my roof:

  1. You have the right to know that you are loved.  This may mean that you get a hug after an ass chewing.
  2. You have the right to be safe in my home and to expect me to protect you.  This may mean that on occasion you will be growled at for doing things that are unsafe.
  3. You have the right to clean, serviceable clothing.  This may require some work on your part once you achieve a certain age.
  4. You have the right to safe, nutritious food.  This will include the occasional treat.  Emphasis on occasional.
  5. You have the right to an education, both in and out of school.
  6. You have the right to expect that I will provide for your healthcare, within reason.
  7. You have the right to clean your body on at least a daily basis.  But please remember that we only have one bathroom in the house.
  8. You have the right to communicate with your loved ones that do not live in my home.  Friends and schoolmates do not count, and non-emergency phone calls from non-family after 9 PM may invoke the nuclear option.

The following things are not rights while living under my roof:

  • Entertainment at the cost of the time, energy, and funds of other members of the household.  Learn to entertain yourself.
  • Living an easy life.  You will have daily, weekly, and on-demand chores.  I may or may not pay you for certain things, depending on whether they go above and beyond.
  • Transportation for non-educational or non-healthcare related activities.  I will, however, provide you with Leather Personnel Carriers so that you may walk anywhere you wish to go.
  • A paying job.  Schoolwork and your chores come first.
  • Cell phones, laptops, tablets, television, and music played at 11 on the volume dial.  I don’t care what year this is, and you will continue to draw breath if these things are not part of your daily life.

Here are some extraneous rules:

  • No smoking, no drinking, no other intoxicants, no overnight guests from your dating pool.  Also, no new holes in your body or permanent marks upon your skin.
  • Your hair will be clean, neat, and the same color it was when it came out of your scalp.
  • You will not go to school or out in public looking like Joe Shit the Rag Man.
  • “It’s not fair.” or “I’m frustrated” mean nothing to me.
  • My word and the word of Irish Woman is the final word on any subject under our roof.  If one of us tells you to do something, do it.  Complain afterward if you must, but doing as you’re told first will help you in your quest to prevent further ‘injustice’.
    • Seriously, when one of us tells you to jump, you better say “How high?” after you’re a foot in the air.
  • You are not an adult until you live independent from any outside support.  Until such time, you will be treated at an age appropriate level, but not as an adult.
  • Don’t try to bribe me, either with affection or especially good behavior.  If you need something, tell me about it and why it’s important.  If you want something, ask for it and accept my decision.
  • I reserve the right to change rules as I see fit.  You will be informed of these changes, but their enforcement will begin immediately after I feel you’ve had enough time to conform to them.
  • There are two reasons for failure:  lack of talent and lack of effort.  If you fail because, no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t do something, I will accept that and work with you to either develop your talents or find something more suited to you.  If you fail because you didn’t put forth the effort, may God have mercy on your soul.
    • In relation to this, when you need help, ask for it.  Two days before report cards come out is not the day to tell me that a certain class is kicking your ass.
  • You should never fear me, but you should fear my displeasure.
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6 Comments

  1. Do you adopt? That actually sounds really nice.

  2. Boy, those rules sound awfully familiar. (In fact, I think my parents still believe that most of them are in force, as much as they can be on adult children, at least.)

  3. Great list.

    May I suggest one of my favorites “The Constitution and Bill of Rights protects you from the government; not your parents”.

    Bob S.

  4. Well said!

  5. +1 on 3boxes… 🙂 And the peers will be trying to get her to call child services on you for being a meanie… sigh

  6. Docheidrich

     /  September 4, 2014

    As soon as you put that on a nice framed poster, let me know so I can buy one…

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