According to the twinkle-toed, inbred, hipster douchebag who stood between me and coffee on the way home from work this morning, tomorrow is supposedly the end of the world.  Apparently some Mesoamerican dude chipped out a rather large multi-year calendar about a 1000 years ago, and tomorrow is the date he was working on when he got bored with it and moved on to his next assignment.  In response to this, a portion of the human race has decided to collectively lose their bloody minds.

Fox News, never one to eschew grabbing a few page views by publishing something frivolous, has put up a rather helpful guide on how to ‘cope’ with the Apocalypse.  Their advice pretty much boils down to thinking good thoughts.  Since I’m as much an opportunist as the next guy, here are my more concrete steps for dealing with the end of the world:

1. Stock essentials – Beer, bourbon, bacon, and coffee.  Everything else you need to consume will be like ashes in your mouth if you don’t have the things you enjoy.
2. While you’re at it, stock up a significant stash of booze that your spouse and other housemates don’t know about it.  The end of the world may take a long time, and if you’re cooped up with your family for weeks at a time, you shouldn’t do it sober.  Not saying you should get drunk and stay drunk, but it can’t hurt to take the edge off every so often.
3. If you’ve ever been locked in the house with the kids due to bad weather, you know it’s imperative that you give the little imps something to do.  Here are a couple of suggestions:
   1. Have plenty of board games for them to play.  However, avoid games like Risk, Monopoly, and such.  Yes, they will keep everyone occupied for days at a time if they’re played right, but I’ve seen knife fights break out between family members over someone welching on a treaty over a campaign to conquer Eurasia.  No need to encourage bloodshed so early in the process.
   2. Movies are a good escape from boredom and fear of the afterlife.  While you’re at it, I suggest movies that prepare the children for how the world will work once the elder gods are done ravaging it.  My picks are “The Road Warrior”, “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome”, “Pale Rider”, and “Ice Pirates”.
   3. Encourage your kids’ creativity.  Hold a contest for which one can give the ice giant that is demolishing the next neighborhood over the best name.  Let the kids make dioramas of the destruction around them.
4. Bring your guns.  Invite over all your friends with guns.  An M-1 Garand might not do much against the demon from the seventh pit on the left, but it can’t hurt.  And hey, you finally have an excuse to get that M-1 Garand.
5. Once it’s safe to come out from your basement, hold a block party.  It’ll bring the survivors together as a community, strengthen the bonds of friendship and family, and allow you to size up the competition for the position of neighborhood warlord.
6. If you have a Mayan in your neighborhood, get in good with him by volunteering to assist in constructing his step pyramid.  Be sure to oppose any actions by the neighborhood association to get it torn down, no matter what the covenant says.
7. And finally, enjoy yourself. Yes, those-who-cannot-be-named are rending your world at the seams, but there’s no use in being a Grumpy Gus about it!  Find a way to smile, even if it means seeking out the forces of evil and joining their hellish crusade of fire and rampage.

Have fun everybody!  I’ll see you on the other side!