The following is a partial transcript of an interview given by vice-presidential candidate DaddyBear on “Talking Heads, Inc.” this weekend. Mr. DaddyBear was interviewed by Amanda McNicerack-Hugandkiss and Conner Goodhair.
Amanda – Mr. DaddyBear, you’ve seen the video of Qaddafi being shot after being captured, and you’ve heard the protests of Secretary Clinton and other world leaders over this apparent extra-judicial execution. What would you say to the person who is perported to have shot Mr. Qaddafi?
DaddyBear – Amanda, first, I’d tell him to unload and show clear. Safety first, after all. Also, if the BBC footage is to be believed, I’d have a little talk with him about the 4 rules. That goober had his finger inside the trigger guard all the time and is was pointing that pistol at a lot of people he probably didn’t want shot.
Amanda – You mean you don’t agree with world leaders in that it would be preferable for Qaddafi to have been tried at the Hague?
DaddyBear – Honestly, it’s none of my business. The fact that the Libyan people decided to give him the Mussolini treatment is just fine with me. Undisciplined militias with a metric ton of donated guns and ammo aren’t known for their regard for the Miranda rights of the dictators they catch.
Conner – Mr. DaddyBear, what did you feel watching the digitally enhanced, slow-motion graphic footage of the shooting that we’ve been playing on a loop for the past 36 hours?
DaddyBear – You mean the first time I saw it or the 157 times I caught it while trying to get the score for the Minnesota game on your ticker?
Conner – The first time. And you have my sympathies for the Vikings.
DaddyBear – Thanks Conner. That means a lot to me. Anyway, about the footage. Well, vicariously, I felt recoil. Other than that, I started wondering which software suite y’all use to get the gray matter to show up so vividly against a coyote brown background like that.
Amanda – Let’s move to economics. What do you think about the refusal by Congressional Republicans to pass any part of the President’s jobs agenda?
DaddyBear – I’m all for it. The government needs to remove itself from the economy as much as possible. The government doing nothing is better than the alternative.
Conner – Are you saying that the wonderful plan put forth by President Obama shouldn’t be passed? How can you say that?
DaddyBear – Well, Conner, since you obviously didn’t pay attention in biology class, I’ll explain. First, I inhale, then I constrict my diaphragm to force air out over my larynx, causing the vocal cords to vibrate, making a sound, then I use the muscles in my throat, tongue, and lips to shape that sound into words that you should be able to understand.
Conner – ummmmm
DaddyBear – If you meant why do I feel that it’s a good thing that the President’s attempt to continue meddling with the economy is being held up in Congress, well, that’s another story.
Conner – Yes, that’s what I meant.
DaddyBear – OK, then. Well, as I see it, most people in government are OK, when taken as individuals. But for some reason, when they all try to do something together, they couldn’t pour whiskey out of a bottle without the instructions being printed on the bottom. So giving them even more money and power to try to ‘fix’ the economy is, in my opinion, a bad thing. The government’s proper role is to stay out of our way and leave us alone as much as possible. Spending another trillion or two is not going to induce private employers to hire people.
Amanda – So you’re OK with Congress stopping the President’s glorious plan?
DaddyBear – That’s kind of their purpose Amanda. By the way, would you mind buttoning your blouse a couple more buttons? It’s a distraction. Thanks. Anyway, Congress is well within its power to vote against anything the President asks for. That’s the point of having a legislature. If the President wants to just be a strong man with nothing to stop him from following the policy du jour, then he needs to find another country to do it in.
Conner – But you’re no fan of Congress, are you? Last week you called Senate Majority Leader Reid and Minority Leader McConnell, and I quote here, “Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum”. Care to comment on that?
DaddyBear – No problem. Yep, I said it, and stand by it. If you’ve been in the Congress for more than a couple of terms, you’re either a megalomaniacal parasite with delusions of adequacy, or you’re a Kennedy. But I repeat myself.
Conner – …….
DaddyBear – Look, these two simps are playing chicken with the future of our nation. Both are so wedded to making sure the other loses that they’re not at all interested in doing what’s right for the country. My point is that we need to replace these career politicians with temporary statesmen. You know, the kind of men and women who have spent most of their life in the real world, then go to Washington for a few years, then return to the real world. Most of the fools we have now shouldn’t be trusted to go to the restroom without an escort, much less the pursestrings of the largest economy in the world.
Conner – Mr. DaddyBear, President Obama recently announced that all American forces in Iraq will be home by the end of the year. Any comments?
DaddyBear – Well, Conner, all I can say is that I’m glad to see our troops coming home. And I wish the leaders of Iraq luck as they transition to a new period in their countries future. I look forward to my first state visit with the leaders of the new country of Kurdistan, and will certainly have more to say after the rest of Iraq becomes the western-most province of Iran.
Amanda – In closing, Mr. DaddyBear, do you have any thoughts on the “Occupy Wall Street” protests?
DaddyBear – Amanda, the right to peacefully assemble and express dissatisfaction is a bedrock of our republic. If these people want to get together, make their speeches, and try to convince their fellow citizens to change their way of thinking, I have no problem with that. However, the part of this movement that is advocating extra-constitutional confiscation of private property, forced re-education of our citizens, and elimination of entire swaths of our people for socio-economic reasons is beyond the pale.
Amanda – So you don’t feel that the protesters should be allowed to say things that are threatening to the status quo?
DaddyBear – That’s not what I said, Amanda. And your buttons seem to have come undone again during the commercial break. Can you tuck that in there a bit? Thanks. What I said was that calling for the illegal and violent disruption of the lives of other citizens is going over a line. No-one is saying that citizens can’t protest the way things are. I’m not happy with the way things are. I just object to people calling for heads to roll because no-one told them that the free stuff stops once you are old enough to shave.
Conner – So we can expect that you won’t be taking part in the protests.
DaddyBear – Quite the opposite. I’ll be across the street from Occupy Wall Street tomorrow morning, drinking a hot beverage and enjoying a fine fall morning. All of that while pointing and laughing at the hippies in the park. I may even take the kids. It’s rare these days to see such a large herd of free roaming hippies, and I want them to be able to tell their grandchildren about it.
