A convicted swindler has made assertions that he gave money and other gifts to University of Miami football players over the last few years.  Gifts included cash, sex parties, cars, and access to exclusive bars and clubs.  The NCAA is investigating, and players he has implicated are either being kept away from reporters or are making no comment.

Shocked, yes shocked I am that this kind of thing is going on at a prominent NCAA football program!

You mean that “student” athletes are accepting unauthorized gifts of money and favors from someone who desperately wants to give them?  How long has this been going on?

What’s next?  Are athletes going to be assigned a smart guy to tutor them just enough to keep their grades in the eligibility zone?  Is the smart guy going to be paid to attend classes and take tests so that a running back can devote more time to the weight room?  Are athletes going to be given athletic scholarships even if their SAT scores and high school grades indicate that they’re just not cut out for college level courses?

Sweet zombie Jesus, are athletes going to take these scholarships for a couple of years and then leave to make millions playing ball in the NFL while talented students have to put themselves thousands of dollars in debt to finish their degrees and get a real job?

My Lord, how widespread is this?  Tell me it’s not happening at Notre Dame or Ohio State!

Workers at a wastewater plant in California have reported that a capybera was seen swimming in a pond.  Capyberas are a large rodent normally found in South America, so this is probably somebody’s pet that got loose somehow.  Reports are that a capybera, hopefully the same animal, has been seen in the area several times over the past few years.

Let’s assume that this isn’t the same critter being seen in different places, and there is an invasive population of Rodents Of Unusual Size in southern California.  My questions are: 

• What caliber for capybera?  .22 LR or .223?
• What method for cooking capybera?  
• Do you slow roast in hickory smoke, or do a braise in the crockpot with potatoes and carrots? 
• Is thin sliced roast capybera good on ciabatta bread with swiss cheese and crisp lettuce with a honey mustard dipping sauce?
• Do you serve roast capybera with red or white wine, or is this a good dish to serve with beer?
• Can you make capybera bacon?

Good – Shucking and blanching another bushel of sweet corn, this time Silver Queen, and preparing a half bushel of tomatoes to be canned as diced tomatoes.
Bad – While pouring 3 gallons of boiling water into the sink so you can clean out the pot it’s in and start sanitizing canning jars for the tomatoes, hearing water splashing in the cabinet under the sink instead of gurgling down the pipes.
Worse – Realizing that the water isn’t running out onto the kitchen floor, but is running down the back wall into the basement
Worst – Acting without thinking and putting your hand into the stream of steaming corn water to try to force the popped pressure fitted pipe back into place and burning the living daylights out of it.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I’m OK.  My “Oh crap, that hurts” reflex beat out my “Oh crap, I’m flooding the basement” reflex.  A little cold water and some judicious swearing in multiple languages took care of it.  The basement is also OK. The water went into an unfurnished part of the basement and only ruined a bag of charcoal.  a few feet to the right, and I’d have been trying to get corn water out of the couch.

A young man who was about to start attending classes at Western Kentucky University has been told to stay off campus by the college’s administration.  It seems that he has made a habit of “planking” on various things on campus and leaving stickers advertising his activities on the targets of his attention.  He made an appearance on TV about his escapades, and seems to be surprised that he is being told to stay off school property.

This bluntskull defaces school property, and is then surprised that he’s told to go away and not come back?  Under “chutzpah” in the dictionary, we’ll find his mugshot.

You know, I knew a few guys who were asked to leave the Army a couple of months after joining up because they either just didn’t fit in or had screwed up so badly that the military didn’t see the value in trying to make soldiers out of them.  Irish Woman reports that several people she knew in college didn’t make it through their first semester before being asked to pursue their academic careers elsewhere.

But this talented young man didn’t even make it to freshman orientation.  That’s gotta take some talent for poking the pooch right there.  Imagine being fired from a job before they even embroidered your name on your shirt.  Something tells me this guy is going to have that experience more than once in his life.

So way to go there, genius.  You worked hard all through high school to get into a pretty good school, and threw it away so you could do your “Look at me!  I’m cool and special!” routine before you even signed up for classes!  I’m sure you’ll do well in whatever endeavor you screw up next, and your parents won’t mind you trying to get through enough community college while living in their basement that you can re-apply to another university in a few years.  Good job!

Dear Yuppie Bastard,

I am the person who parked his, as you so succinctly put it, “piece of crap nasty ass minivan” next to your brand new Mercedes sports car this evening at the grocery store.  I must say that I disagree with your assessment that I parked right on your door, as I was able to open my door and get in with no issue while you stood on the other side of your German road machine and ran your mouth.

I can understand your frustration.  It’s been a rough time economically, and it must be hard to make those monthly payments on your car.  I can tell things are a little tight because you couldn’t afford to buy a whole dress for your lovely daughter, who was accompanying you this evening.

You know, now that I think of it, she may not have been your daughter.  Oh yes, she looked to be about half your age, but I may have seen a gigantic rock of a diamond ring on one of her fingers, so she may be your latest trophy wife.  I couldn’t be sure, as I was distracted by the two cantaloupes that were bolted to her chest and were barely covered by the two or three scraps of cloth she was wearing.

The doctor who did that boob job for her must have been the same one who did your hair plugs, because I’ve seen corn fields that weren’t as neatly lined up in nice regimented ranks and files as the tufts of hair growing on the very top of your head.

I’d like to extend my apologies for putting my minivan within sight of your convertible, and will endeavor to avoid doing so again in the future.

Good luck with your mid-life crisis!

DaddyBear

The state of Michigan is removing 30,000 college students from its food stamp program in order to save $75 million that could be put to a better use or not spent at all.  In a cash strapped state, this makes sense.  If a student can show true financial need, such as an inability to work, then they can still be considered for assistance.  Otherwise, the little darlings get a chance to live in the real world a bit.

Some students don’t believe that this is fair:

“College students have so much debt as it is in the United States. It’s hard for them to be able to pay all their bills….

Kids these days, I tell you…..

OK, sparky, let’s have an adult conversation here.  Put on your skin thickener, because you’re about to be treated like an adult.  By the look on your face, I can guess you’ve never had that happen before?  Well, do your best.

Ready?  OK.

Seriously?  You think you’re owed free food at the taxpayer’s expense because you chose to go deep into debt in order to get a piece of paper that certifies that you can parrot back the pablum that your tenured professor shoveled into your brain containment unit for a few years?

Let me make this perfectly clear:

If you are a fully functional human being, meaning that you can be trusted with matches and don’t make messes on the floor, and are 18 years of age or older, then no-one owes you a darn thing.  Not your parents and certainly not the taxpayer.  Life doesn’t reward you for your best effort, and it certainly doesn’t reward you for just showing up and having a pulse.  Get off your butt and find a job.

Got that sweetcakes?

Want to go to college so you can get a good job after graduation?  Good for you.  The world needs more people like you, and I wish you luck in this economy.  The line to fill out applications to flip burgers so you can feed yourself forms to the right.

Want to get a degree in advanced navel gazing and politically correct sophistry so that you can be a leach on the nutsack of society for the rest of your life?  Follow the other guy. He’s one ahead of you in the pile of apps to work the midnight to 6 AM shift at the stop and rob.

I got my degree while working full time, and I expect that all of my kids will have to work at least part time in order to support themselves while in college.  I provide Junior with a food care package or a gift card to the grocery store every month, but he’s having to earn a bit if he wants to eat more than ramen noodles and tuna fish.  The same will go for all of my kids, and it should be the same for all kids.  A government that teaches these young people that it’s OK to take money from a program that was supposed to be only for the truly destitute is doing them no favors.

Warren Jeffs, the sick bastard who abused his position as a religious leader to rape girls as young as 12, has been sentenced to life in prison.  He’s going to get a nice long time out to think about what he’s done.

Personally, I would have liked to see him staked out by the tendons in his extremities and left to dry out in the sun after being fed a high sodium diet for a few days.  After a few months, his husk could have been tacked up somewhere to act as a reminder to any other piece of crap that wanted to diddle little girls that we don’t cotton to that behavior in these parts.

Yes, I have a beautiful young daughter.  Why do you ask?

Over the weekend, and extending into at least this morning, parts of London and other British cities became war zones after police shot and killed a man who allegedly pointed a gun at them.  While reports of actual gunfire between rioters and police are rare, crimes against people and property are rampant.  Looting, arson, and assault are happening in what may be the greatest disturbance to hit England since the Blitz of World War II.

We can look across the Atlantic, cluck our tongues, and remark about how much it reminds us of the Los Angeles or Watts riots.  But we have to remember a couple of things:

• It can happen here.  Reports appear to be that most of the rioters are from a government-supported underclass that is taking the opportunity to vent their spleen and feather their nests with merchendise purloined from businesses just before they are torched.  The United States also has a large class of people who feel that the world owes them a living and that they are untouchable.  This is not a racial issue, it’s an economic and social issue.  For 45 years, people have been given the option of giving up and re-attaching the umbilical cord.  This unruly mob-in-reserve has already shown its willingness to shred societal norms when the opportunity arises, and they will do it again.  For examples, please consider the LA riots, the looting of non-essentials in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, the flash mob crime problem in Chicago, and the recent mob violence at the fair in Milwaukee.  When the monthly payments from Uncle Sugar start to dry up as our government starts to find it hard to borrow money, these people will take to the streets to get what they think is coming to them.
• Just because you go to a “safe” country such as Great Britain for vacation doesn’t mean you can drop your guard.  There is crime everywhere, and this episode shows that large disturbances can happen just about anywhere you get a large population.  You can be in Egypt during the Arab Spring, or you can be in London this past weekend.  Location means nothing these days.  Matthew over at “Straight Forward in a Crooked World” has a series called “Dark Arts for Good Guys”.  He has some good advice on how to stay alive and out of trouble with the local law enforcement, and I suggest you all give it a read.  He suggests a lot of things that make sense even if you never leave your home city.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of Britain and the police who are trying to quell the violence and restore order.  I also encourage everyone to keep their heads on their swivels so that when this sort of thing happens in this country we are prepared to survive it intact. 

Irish Woman, calmly trying to bathe a vocally uncooperative BooBoo:  Now Boo, stop fighting me. It’s OK, buddy.  Just let me wash your hair.  Come on, now

Insert sounds of splashing, thumping and screaming.  Then add a loud splash as Irish Woman falls in the tub and Boo makes a break for freedom.

Irish Woman:  Get your soapy butt back here!  Oh no you didn’t!

DaddyBear, calmly watching a suds’ed up BooBoo run through the living room:  Oh yes he did!

Today is International Beer Day.  I think I’ll take a few moments this evening and see if alcohol still hurts.

H/T to Drang!