Members of the TSA tried to bring a bit of holiday cheer to travellers at Los Angeles International Airport the other day.  They have been practicing on their own time, and sang patriotic and inspirational songs.

I thought I’d suggest a new Christmas carol for them:

Wow! Man this sucks
I spent 600 bucks
All they can say
Is throw shampoo away

Still standing here
Kids shedding tears
Harassing the old
Pissing off the bold

Bad Touch, Bad Touch
That is their job
Agents two by two
With hands of blue

Please spread your legs
Are these your bags?
Searching your hair
Groping a pair

Daily they work
Acting like jerks
Take off your shoes
Start to sing the blues:
Gonna gonna gonna gonna miss my flight!
Gonna gonna gonna gonna miss my flight!

Today is the anniversary of the first publishing of Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” in 1843.  I’m not a Christmasy guy, but I do like the story and message of this classic.  I’ve read the book and seen several movie adaptations of it, and I have to say it gets the Christmas theme across without being too saccharine.

Coincidentally, Girlie Bear, Boo, and I watched the 2009 adaptation starring Jim Carrey on Sunday afternoon.  I’m not a big fan of Jim Carrey, but he definitely hit the mark with this one.  The animation and voice work by Carrey reminded me a lot of The Polar Express, but without all of the annoying singing and dancing.  I’d definitely recommend this one, and it’s available on Netflix streaming.

In another sad reminder of what our current laws can bring, a man has been arrested in Oregon for attacking people in a Toys-R-Us parking lot with a light saber.  The suspect struck several innocent by-standers, probably including children, kittens, and old people, and even used the diabolical blade of evil to break the leads to a taser that police used to try to subdue him.

When is the National Lightsaber Association going to admit that the free ownership and carrying of these dangerous implements endangers puppies and babies across the country? 

Any deranged person can walk into a saber shop and purchase a lightsaber without having to prove that they have the training and discipline of a Jedi.  Criminals have found ways to make assault lightsabers by mating two lightsabers at the hilt.  It is even possible for criminals to buy a lightsaber using the ‘saber show loophole’, meaning that there is no criminal background check done.  How are we supposed to feel safe in our homes if we don’t know who is buying lightsabers?  Some will argue that ownership of lightsabers is a right, but don’t we have a right to feel safe from some Jedi wanna-be freaking out and cutting off hands indiscriminately?

Will no-one think of the Ewoks?  How many of these fuzzy little critters have to die before we finally get rid of these evil lightsabers?

A woman in Sierra Vista, Arizona, was attacked by three feral dogs while she was walking her own pet.  A group of people gathered around to assist her, but honestly, a human trying to get a trio of large dogs off of something they’re trying to bring down is likely to become part of the casualty list before they stop the attack.

A man who lived nearby heard the noise, grabbed his pistol, and intervened, shooting two of the dogs.  The woman and her dog are being cared for, but this could have turned out much worse for her.

I used to live in Sierra Vista, and there isn’t much transition between the desert and the city.  There are javelina, coyotes, and feral dogs in abundance in the area.  This woman was lucky that she was within earshot of others who could help her.  A few hundred yards further away, and she might have been very much alone with nothing to defend herself.

You don’t have to live in south-eastern Arizona to have to deal with packs of wild animals.  Louisville, along with a lot of cities, is starting to have a big problem with feral dogs of all breeds running wild.  And of course, where there are humans, you will find packs of feral humans running wild.

Carry your weapons, people.  You can’t count on someone else being willing and able to save you.

The following is a partial transcript of a recent town hall meeting that Vice Presidential DaddyBear.

Elderly Lady:   Mr. DaddyBear, my name is Mabel Torkelsdotter.  I’ve worked hard all my life, and I’ve paid into Social Security for years.  I’ve been told that you and Candidate X want to shut down Social Security and leave me with nothing.  Is that true?  And if it is, why do you hate old people?

DaddyBear:  Ma’am, we don’t want to leave you and those of your generation with nothing.  I’m not going to be rude and ask your age, but would it be safe to say you were born before the Eisenhower administration?  OK, good, then you’re grandfathered, er, grandmothered into the current system.  We know that you all planned your later years with Social Security payments as a big part of your income, and we’re not going to mess that up.  But yes, we want to dismantle Social Security, but in a graduated, merciful way.  You all are going to get your Social Security benefits the way you were promised.  Your kids are going to have to work a little longer and do some other things, but they’ll get benefits of some kind.  Your grandkids, who are my age and younger, are going to have their entire working life to plan their golden years without factoring in Social Security.  But no, we don’t hate old people.  I hope to be an old person myself someday. 

Elderly Lady:  Oh, well, that’s different than what I’ve been hearing from AARP and the nice ladies at the senior center.

DaddyBear:  Ma’am, I’m glad we could clear that up.

Young Girl:  Mr. DaddyBear, um, my name is Nancy Miller, and I’m 7 years old.  My teacher says that you and Mr. X want to fire all of the people at my school and make us kids work in a coal mine.  Is that true?  Because I don’t want to work in a coal mine.

DaddyBear:  Hello Nancy.  Thank you for coming here tonight to talk to me.  Wow, 7 and you’re already asking important questions.  Are you in the 1st or 2nd grade, little one?

Young Girl:  I’m in the second grade.

DaddyBear:  OK, so you’ve already learned your ABC’s and counting, and you can add and subtract some numbers, and I bet you can already read books by yourself.

Young Girl:  Yes, I love to read Dr. Seuss

DaddyBear:  Hey!  So do I!  Well, Nancy, you know that being a teacher is what your teacher does as a job, right?

Young Girl:  Yes

DaddyBear:  And it’s an important job.  We want your teacher to do as good a job as she can because if she doesn’t, you won’t learn as much as you can.  Do you have jobs at home, Nancy? 

Young Girl:  Yes, I have to pick up my room and feed the kitty every morning before the bus comes.

DaddyBear:  Do your mom and dad give you an allowance for doing your chores?

Young Girl:  Oh, yes.  I get two whole dollars every week. 

DaddyBear:  If you don’t pick up your room or if you forget to feed the cat, do you get your two dollars?

Young Girl:  No.  Mommy says that if I don’t do my chores, I don’t get my dollars.
DaddyBear:  Well, if your teacher doesn’t teach you what you’re supposed to learn, then I don’t think she should get her dollars.

Young Girl:  But Mrs. Jones is a good teacher!

DaddyBear:  I can tell she’s a good teacher.  She and your mommy and daddy and all of your other teachers are doing a good job to make such a smart little girl out of you.  But some teachers aren’t as good.  In fact, some teachers don’t teach much at all, and what we want to do is make sure the good teachers keep teaching little girls to read and do math, but ask the not so good teachers to find some other job.  So no, Nancy, we don’t want to fire all of your teachers and make you work in a coal mine. 

Young Man:  Mr. DaddyBear, my name is Rainwater.  I live in the Occupy settlement up the road.  I hear that you want to legalize weed.  Dude, that’s so cool! 

DaddyBear:  Rainwater?  Really?  Son, please tell me your mother didn’t name you Rainwater.

Young Man:  No, she didn’t.  I took the name Rainwater to show my new identity as a revolutionary!

DaddyBear:  Really?  A revolutionary?

Young Man:  Yeah!  You can’t lead the masses to revolution with a name like ‘Bradley’.

DaddyBear:  Wow, OK.  Well, then, let’s answer your question.  Yes, Candidate X and I believe that there are better ways to spend money and time than keeping a grown person from using whatever intoxicant they want.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I think that getting baked on a regular basis is a bad idea just like I think getting wasted every other night is a bad idea.  But if you don’t hurt anyone but yourself, who am I to stop you?

Young Man:  That’s so cool!  Wow, maybe you aren’t as big an oppressor as the guys back at the drum circle say you are.  Dude, want to come back with me?

DaddyBear: That’s OK, Rainwater.  I’m not very good with drums, and to be honest, I’m allergic to patchouli.  But hey, why don’t you go back to your people and tell them about this?

Young Man:  Dude, that’s a great idea!  I can be your human megaphone! Sweet!

Editor’s Note:  Mr. DaddyBear will be holding other townhall meetings in the coming weeks. Transcripts will be posted as they become available.

America has a new citizen.  Iain Harrison took the oath of citizenship a couple of weeks ago.

I met Iain briefly at the NRA convention this spring*, and a nicer guy hasn’t been made.  He seems like a good addition to our little melting pot.

Welcome Iain.  Glad to have you!

*No, I didn’t make it to the infamous dinner out with the rest of the gun blogosphere.  I begged off due to fatigue from driving from Louisville, sitting in Pittsburgh traffic, then walking around the floor all day.  Better luck next time.  Sounds like I missed a heck of a good time.

Fox News is reporting that Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) is changing its name to “Ansar al Sharia”, or “Army of Islamic Law”.  This is being done in an effort to move beyond the negative connotations that “Al Qaeda” has gained in the past decade or so.

Here are my ideas that these nutjobs could use to help with their re-branding:

• Change your outfits. White and tan man dresses are so 2001.  I suggest teaming up with Hugo Boss to get some new duds.  I’m sure they can do wonders for you; just look what they did for Himmler.
• In order to soften the blow of recruiting suicide bombers, begin calling them “Semtex delivery and implementation specialists”.
• In order to put a more “everyman” face on your religion, ‘convince’ Garrison Keillor to convert so that he can give long, soporific monologues about all the old Norwegian ladies down at the mosque.
• Stop using middle-eastern music as the soundtrack to the videos. That stuff makes me want to stick my head into a grinder.  Seriously, if you’re trying to appeal to a younger, hipper audience, go with someone like “Insane Clown Posse”.
• Come to think of it “Insane Clown Posse” might be a better new name than “Ansar al Sharia”.  Look into options for buying the rights.
• One word:  Piercings.  No-one’s going to question your dedication if you have a hole in your nose big enough to pass a .50 BMG round through.
• Nothing better than following a popular trend:  Start inserting references to bacon, zombies, and vampires into your tape-recorded harangues.

I’m sure that these and other actions could go a long way towards changing perceptions of AQAP from  12th century assbags into 21st century assbags.

Actresses are reporting that sexual harassment and assault happen quite often in Hollywood, with some prominent actors, directors, and other entertainment ‘professionals’ using their fame and power to pressure young actors and actresses into sex or just outright raping them.  Reports to police are rare, at least in part because victims fear for their livelihood, as are civil lawsuits for cases in which the incidents are actionable, but not criminal.  Some even report that they respect their attacker so much that they don’t want to harm their reputation. For an example of this last phenomenon, look no further than the reaction to Norman Polanski raping a 13 year old girl, then fleeing the country for decades because we unwashed plebs thought it might be a good idea to lock his pedophile self up for a while. 

The Screen Actors Guild apparently allows victims to make an anonymous accusation against someone. If an investigation by SAG finds that the charges are legitimate, they will send a letter to the accused, suggesting counseling so that the predator will stop.  Since these kinds of things seem to have been happening since about 15 minutes after Edison figured out how to make a moving picture, I’m guessing that approach might not be the most effective.

Here’s my idea:

CALL THE FRELLING POLICE!!!!!

If someone sexually assaults you, first, defend yourself using whatever means you have to make the attack stop.  Next,  bring in the authorities, either to scrape the attacker up off of the hardwood floor and put them into a series of ziplock baggies or to arrest them and put them somewhere they won’t attack someone else later.

I’m not talking about someone who suggests that if an actress doesn’t go for a roll in the hay she won’t get a part. While that’s disgusting and wrong, that’s a matter for civil courts, and maybe in that instance SAG’s approach might be a good idea, although I doubt it.  It’s hard to shame someone who feels entitled.

I’m talking about rape or child molestation here.  The article I linked to suggests that there are serial rapists and pedophiles loose in the entertainment industry.  Shaming people like that though their trade group or employer won’t do anything so long as they are an important part of those organizations.  Stop the attack, call the police, and shine light on these criminals so that the next young actor or actress to get off the buss from Pine Bluff doesn’t end up a victim.

A black and white display.  A thin man in a dark suit comes on and intones with a deep voice:

Consider if you will DaddyBear, a middle-aged man in American suburbia. He is trying to get ready to take his daughter to her chorus recital, but is instead having a nervous breakdown.
He has spent the past 45 minutes looking for his camera, which he had used less than 12 hours before.
He found the camera itself tucked inside a toy box, under a pile of Lincoln Logs and Matchbox cars.
The batteries to the camera are still lost, but have been replaced with the batteries from a flashlight.
The memory card for the camera was, however, not in the camera.
A search of his home was fruitless, until he went to take out a DVD for his smallest son to watch for the evening while he is home with his mother.
Inside the DVD case for “Frosty the Snowman/Rudolph the Reindeer”, instead of the expected DVD, he found his memory stick.
His mind finally snapped when he took it out and found it liberally coated with honey.

He is about to enter….. The Parenting Zone

Lutefisk – Norwegians put butter on it, Swedes put brown sugar on it,  the cats put sand on it.

Tom Griswold, of the Bob and Tom Show,* reading from a reader letter about Scandinavian food.

I have had lutefisk precisely three times in my life, all three in an attempt to bring joy to the heart of my grandmother, a German woman who wholly took on Norwegian culture and ‘cuisine’ when she married my Norwegian grandfather.  Now that I’m grown and she’s up in heaven giving my grandfather an earful about his verdammte grandson, I don’t let it in the house.

*That link is probably NSFW.