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A Commercial Interruption

He once drove the entire family from Louisville to Columbus, just so he could walk around a zoo for two days.
When women see him walking around with a bag, they know it contains a change of toddler clothes and baby wipes, not his dancing shoes.
When he packs up to go to the range, he has to take the car seat out of the minivan to make room for the gun cases and target stands.
His most memorable morning was spent trying to figure out how to get baby puke out of a dress uniform prior to an inspection.
When visiting an auto dealership, he walks past the new sports car so he can get a better look at the latest incarnation of minivan or station wagon.
He takes a vacation day prior to a major holiday so that he can spend the day doing housework and taking the kids to McDonalds for lunch.

He is DaddyBear, the most domesticated wild man on Earth.

I do not drink often, but when I do, it’s to get blind drunk and sleep in until 7 AM.  Stay whipped, my friend.

Community Organizer

Sung to the tune of “Sweet Transvestite” from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show“, with apologies to Richard O’Brien.





How do you do? I
See you’ve met my 
Lapdog media men
They’re just a little overwhelmed
Because covering my butt
Is becoming too much for their acumen


Don’t get too mad
About the way I govern
Don’t judge a man by his actions
I’m not much of a leader
By the light of day
But by night 
I lead one heck of a faction!


I’m just a community organizer!
From socialist
Chicago, Illinois!


Let me lead you around
Your property we could impound
You look like you’ve already got enough
Or if you want to argue about it
Or call my VP a twit
I can have the IRS start to play rough


I’m glad we caught you at home
You elitist drone
You’re usually out on vacation
I’m glad that you finally made par
Now we’ll go live in our car
And try to find a new vocation


Well, the economy’s flat!
Well, how ’bout that?
Well voters, don’t get cranky.
I’ll sleep on it tonight
And if the unions say it’s all right
I’ll get you money from Ben Bernanke!

I’m just a community organizer!
From socialist
Chicago, Illinois!


So why don’t you come over from the right?
I don’t want to fight
I would rather take your favorite possessions
I’ve been forming a compromise
With obfuscation and quite a few lies
And that’s good for the next election

I’m just a community organizer!
From socialist
Chicago, Illinois!


So, come up to the Hill
And choke down a bitter pill
I see you quiver with exasperation
But maybe your pain
Is just for my gain
So I’ll do it all for the cause
But not the citizens!

Joke of the Day

A tourist to North Dakota was bragging to Ole Peterson about all of the things he’d seen.

“Why, Ole, I’ve been to the Grand Canyon!  It’s so big that if you stand at the edge and yell “Peterson” down into it, it takes 10 seconds for it to say “Peterson” back to you!”

Ole thought about that for a minute, and then said “Oh, dat’s nuttin! Ve got a lake up near Minot so big that if you stand on the edge and yell “Peterson”, it takes about 10 seconds for you to hear “Vich Peterson?” come back at you!”

Brain Dropping

I half heard this playing this morning while I was getting dressed, and these have been going through my head all day.  I thought I’d share the madness:

Malfunction Junction, what’s your function?
Failures in feeding, and firing, and ejecting

Malfunction Junction, what’s your function?
Clearing up stovepipes and misfires and double feeds

Malfunction Junction, what’s your function?
SPORTS and racking and dropping the magazine

Malfunction Junction, what’s your function?
Cleaning and oiling and greasing and function checking

Malfunction Junction, what’s your function?
Swapping out springs and followers and guide rods

Thought for the Day

  • I served as a pilot in the waning years of a war for survival against machines that gained sentience and then tried to destroy their creators.
  • I worked my way through the ranks to a mid-level leadership role.
  • My last assignment before retirement was to turn my beloved ship into an orbiting museum
  • My species was attacked without provocation, leading to the death of all but a few thousand humans
  • I had to take crap from a school teacher who happened to be in the chain of command when everyone above her was wiped out. This included when she started having visions
  • My sons tried to follow in my foot steps. One died in training and the other one turned into a whining politician
  • My crew included covert members of the enemy, sleeper agents who didn’t even understand that they were committing sabotage and assassinations, a fighter pilot who may or not have been dead, and millenniums old members of a race of artificial life forms who gave my enemy the power to regenerate bodies when we killed them.
  • I led my motley little band of spaceships in search of a mythical ancient home, only to end up living alone in a cabin way out in the boonies when we finally found it.
  • I am Admiral Adama, and I am part of the 1% that survived
Occupy Caprica!

A Prayer

Dear Lord,  please watch over our President today as he travels across the waters to Hawaii, Indonesia, and Australia.
Help his pilots to find a smooth path for him and help his ground crew to make sure his aircraft is in good working order for the entire trip.
Lord, please keep him safe from accident, illness, and an assassin’s bullet
I ask this in your name Lord, because I really don’t want this guy in charge of the country:

Amen

Holiday Taxes

The news media and blogosphere are alight today because of a new 15 cent ‘fee’ that’s being assessed on every real Christmas tree sold in the United States.  The Department of Agriculture says it will use the money to pay for a commission that will promote the use of fresh trees over artificial ones.  Here at Casa de Oso, we have been using a fresh tree for several years, but have an old artificial tree up in the attic.  So I guess you could say we are agnostic on the whole “fresh versus artificial” debate.

Officials in the Ag Department don’t seem to think that adding an additional 15 cents added to the wholesale cost of a tree is going to do anything to sales, so I guess they forgot that companies tend to collect government taxes and fees, not pay them.

So what other holiday traditions could be use a little government funded booster club?

  • American Flags – Let’s be real here, kids.  A lot of people have stopped flying the flag, even on special holidays like Memorial Day or Independence Day.  Every year, thousands of miniature flags are purchased to decorate graves.  If the government could just get a few cents off of every flag sale, then a campaign could be set up to remind people that if they want to fly the flag, Walmart still sells them.
  • Pumpkins – A lot of people are buying those resin or ceramic jack-o’-lanterns for Halloween, and that’s bound to cut into business for our nation’s squash producers.  A propaganda campaign of commercials during the network news every evening during the month of October could be paid for by charging a few cents per pound for every real pumpkin sold.
  • Candy at Easter and Halloween – This is another untapped gold mine.  Millions of jelly beans, candy eggs, peanut butter filled bats, and much more are purchased every year.  A fee of just a penny per piece would fund radio ads of just the sound of JayG opening a Zagnut on Vicious Circle for the entire year.  It would be a boon for dentists, and if this works, we might not have to pass a fat tax to keep kids from eating all that junk food.
  • Turkeys – Let’s face it, tofurkey and other alternatives for Christmas and Thanksgiving are eating into the gobbler lobbies bottom line, and that’s un-American.  A fee on every bird sold could pay for pop-up ads on foodie websites reminding people that Columbus ate turkey on his way to the new world aboard the Mayflower or something.  Come on, who wants to eat ham for Christmas anyway?  It’s just not Kosher.
  • Champagne and other booze – I have it on good authority that there are actually people who have the energy on December 31 to stay up until all hours of the night, drinking large quantities of liquor and champagne, just so that they can sing a song and then drink some more.  This untapped source of government revenue could fund billboards reminding everyone to stop off for a six pack on their way home from this party.  It’s not like we tax booze in this country, right?  What’s that?  Oh we do?  Well, then we’ll call it the “Champagne Charge”.

As you can see, the government has a lot of methods for separating us with just a little more money in order to convince us to buy things we were going to buy anyway.

Update – Corrected “15%” to “15 cent”.  Thanks to Ruth for catching that!  DaddyBear reading comprehension fail!

IT People I Have Known

I’ve been working in IT for about 20 years, starting out as “that guy” in my office to being a somewhat skilled SySad, depending on the phase of the moon.  Over the years, I’ve noticed that there are a few types of organisms that keep popping up in my little IT ecosystem.

  • The Gadget Guy – This strange animal is always carrying around the new hawtness from ThinkGeek, Apple, Google, or Microsoft.  Examples of this species have paid more for gaming rigs, laptops, cell phones, smart phones, and touch pads than I have on cars over the years.  Can be known by their ability to always find a way to be touching and playing with a new toy, which it will use for about six weeks before it pays out full price for the next big thing.  It is also good at bringing any conversation around to either its latest find or the next big thing that it plans to pre-order and then stand in line for at 4 AM.  This animal is also the person who refuses to support legacy hardware and software, instead using company money to chase the new hawtness in OS, hardware, and programming language.  While usually quite talented, it can be frustrating to take over  a project after they have moved onto the next shiny object, because you have to make heads or tails of their RubyC#PERLJavaJavascriptOnRails magnum opus and keep it up and running.
  • The Project Manager – Some specimens of this start out as actual technical people, gaining experience in what it takes to actually do the jobs they are now trying to schedule.  The ones that seem to pop up in my memory are former DreamWeaver jockeys who figured out how to make a gantt chart after the dotcom bust.  Can be known by their ability to use words like ‘leverage’, ‘synergy’, or ‘enterprise’.  Extreme examples don’t really care whether or not the project they’re managing was successful, so long as it failed on time and on budget.
  • The Technology Manager – This funny animal is a remnant of past times.  They fondly remember setting up compute clusters on a Vax, serial hardware dongles that were used as software licenses, and networking using two inch wide copper wire.  They can be known by their inability to ‘get’ virtualization, security, or really anything that was developed after 1985.
  • The Tusker – This is an evolutionary cousin of the Technology Manager, but is actually quite useful. It also remembers VMS, SNA, COBOL, and all of the other things that were developed for the Apollo missions, and in some instances is still taking care of them.  However, it remembers all of the technical details and can sometimes relate the concepts to new technology.  It may not be interested in learning the guts of KVM, but at least it doesn’t dismiss it as new-fangled nonsense.  Well, not much, anyway.  It is called the Tusker because it’s like an old elephant, who is just hanging on long enough to die happy.  Extreme examples of this group are also known as the RBDP:  Retired But Drawing Paycheck.
  • The Haxor – An example of parallel evolution, in that this creature emulates the behavior and values of the Mall Ninja.  The Black Hat fancies itself as a security expert, and takes every opportunity to try to figure out everyone’s passwords, get into their email, and generally be a nuisance to all who it touches.  Unless forced to by a dress code, it wears old, baggy cargo pants or shorts, and a seemingly endless array of Black Hat, SANS, ThinkGeek, and vendor give-away tee shirts.  Hired to help lock down and protect systems and networks, he visualizes his responsibilities as telling war stories from his latest LAN war and trying to penetrate the systems instead of protecting them.  Talk of configuring iptables and Snort bores this animal, as those are defensive in nature, and it only uses its skills in the offense. 
  • The Old Shaman – Normally, a Unix or Mainframe guy, but some older Microsoft people are gaining this title as well.  These creatures have been working on the same technology for many years, and have the scars to show for it.  Each of these scars is catalogued and the place, time, and event that brought it into being can be talked about at length, especially if multiple Old Shamen were involved and are there to talk about them. While their technology may be old, it is still a powerful force in the company, and these Shaman are the wise old men who will be there to bring along the Gadget Guy and the Haxor when they age out of their adolescence.  Extreme examples have scars from VMS, Windows, and Unix, and can knit beautiful solutions using technology from multiple platforms into works of geek art that will not survive their passing from the scene.
  • The Bushy Tailed NeoPhyte – This newcomer to the ecosystem can evolve into any of the above fauna.  It’s kind of the stem cell of our little ecosystem.  If paid well, it can morph into the Gadget Guy.  If given too much time on their hands, they can become the Haxor.  Eventually, they will evolve into some of the older species.  The Neophyte can be known by the fact that their dominant hand is usually filled with a RedBull or some other sweet concoction, they still wear their college clothes to the office, and may still talk passionately about how they want to use their talents in technology to make the world a better place.  Eventually, their soul will be crushed and they can begin their evolution to the higher forms of life in the IT ecosystem.

Prediction

I’ve been told that there’s some kind of sporting event taking place in either Missouri or Texas tonight. 

I predict that someone will win.  There will be a lot of beer drinking and snacking going on during the event.  I also predict that some yahoos will be on the news tomorrow after being arrested for either celebrating a victory or mourning a defeat by setting something on fire or knocking something over, or possibly knocking something over then setting it on fire.

Y’all keep me honest here, and let me know how I did come tomorrow.

hmmmmm

Adama: Starbuck, what do you hear?
Starbuck: Nothing but the rain.
Adama: Then grab your gun and bring in the cat.
Starbuck: Boom, boom, boom! / Wilco! / Aye-aye, sir! 
It’s raining like a son of a gun, Koshka got out of the house when I left for work this morning, and I really want to go to the range.  This keeps popping into my head.