First, go to a large international store. You know, the ones with sections for different countries or continents. You’ve got candy from England, coffee from Germany, noodles from Thailand, etc.
This works best if it’s got an aisle for each category.
Next, put in your earphones. This is going to get loud.
On your media player of choice, queue up the latest Sabaton album on shuffle.
Go to the front of the store, facing the aisles of international wares, and hit play.
Your goal is to figure out which country each song is about, get to that aisle, and spend the rest of the song browsing the selection.
You may not look at what the next song is, nor may you put the music in any order.
Bonus points if you can find something you want in each aisle without rushing or just grabbing something for the sake of having it.
Once the album is done playing, check out and take your finds home.
First, in the black and white fur with a red collar, weighing in at a svelte 22 pounds, we have SOOOOPHIEEEE!!!!! Sophie has that wicked long snout, so she’s known for a finishing move that includes putting her opponent’s entire head in her mouth and chomping down. Look for her to use that long Dachshund body of hers to snake her way into and out of every confrontation.
In this corner, weighing in at 18 pounds and dressed in all black with a pink collar, we have the rookie, MAAAGGGGGIIIIEEEE!!!! Maggie makes up for her lack of experience and finesse with a bottomless supply of energy and a mouth full of piranha teeth. Look for her to overwhelm her opponent with rapid hit and run maneuvers, followed by grabbing them by the hamstring and running like like her ears were on fire.
Look for a series of fast encounters in the living room and kitchen, then wrestling and rolling around until these two gladiators slam up against the piano. For the outside part of this event, they will run laps around the maple tree, first one way, then the other. Finally, the fight will move to the back deck, where the use of chairs and leaps from the turnbuckles always get the crowd roaring.
The winner of this bout gets to move on to face Bonaducci in the title match, so look for this to be a hard fought growlfest. We’re going to have three five-minute rounds, with twenty minute naps in between to let the combatants recharge.
Now, LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUMMMMBBBBBLLLEEEE!!!!!
It’s not often that a reviewer as jaded as I am stands in awe of a piece of equipment, but this morning, I met the Shark NV752 Assault Vacuum Cleaner. To say that my jaw dropped at its capabilities and performance would be an understatement.
The NV752 is Shark’s entry into the Assault Vacuum Cleaner market, also known as Modern Sporting Vacuum Cleaners. It’s modular design, along with sleek styling, makes it a strong contender to move Hoover off of its Number 1 spot.
The NV752 requires some assembly before use, but clicks together in less than 5 minutes. Just a few moments of glancing at the included documentation, and you’re ready to roll. It’s modular, snap-together design gives the user choices between an easily concealed ‘detached’ mode for getting at those non-permissive environments in every home all the way up to crew-served vacuuming of large rugs and hard floors.
As you can see, the ergonomic pistol grip at the top of the handle is built for any number of hand sizes. I am led to believe that MagPul is working on a parts kit to make both the drip and the other polymer panels both more stylish and functional, but out of the box it fit my paw well.
Recoil from the powerful 120v electromechanical motor was sharp, but manageable. Less experienced vacuumers might want to start off with short sessions to get their grip and arm strength up, but those who have been around the rumpus room a few times will have no problem controlling this beast.
One note – two features of the NV752 may cause issues for some vacuumers.
First, the integral sound suppression provided by the included 3-stage filtration system (foam, felt, and HEPA) do not appear to have been evaluated and approved by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Vacuums. After the DustBuster Arm Brace fiasco a few years ago, vacuumers should be ready to register their new carpet sweepers when the ATV comes knocking.
Second, the high-capacity dust catcher included with the NV752 may not be legal in some localities. Residents of Hawaii, California, Illinois, and Washington D.C. should make sure they are legally allowed to own it prior to purchase. I have it on good authority that an aftermarket part is being made available by Palmetto State, but a release date has not been announced.
As to performance, I cannot stress how well this beast pulled dust, pet hair, and small children out of my carpet. I regularly vacuum and shampoo our living room, but a few minutes with the NV752 actually lightened the color of our carpet. The vacuum head, complete with a rolling-block beater bar that rotates at a ridiculous 4500 RPM, patterned quite well on vintage shag carpeting. As long as I did my job, it did its job.
I have never seen a vacuum that was less picky about what it sucked up as the NV752. While some more up-market machines might only be able to process finely curated dust and artisanal debris, the NV752 ate everything I served. Steel, brass, polymer, or even ceramic went through it with no issues. I had no stoppages or failures to vacuum during an entire cleaning session.
For those in the government or private cleaning sectors, the NV752 should be considered for either general or special use. I would suggest a two-person team for each system. First, a ‘Vacuumer” to operate the NV752 and direct its cleaning. In addition, an “Assistant Vacuumer” will be helpful to rapidly switch out collection tanks, as well as carry spare filters and extension cords. A crew-served vacuum such as this would be critical component in both the conventional janitorial squad or more specialized units.
The NV752 is Shark’s entry into the DOD’s Next-Generation Carpet Cleaner program, but let’s be honest. Sig is going to get the contract, even after it’s shown that its equipment will spontaneously vacuum without anyone touching the power button.
MSRP on the NV752 is $319, but I was able to get it for $269 at Amazon. The cost-conscious consumer should be wary of knock-off vacuums that have the look and feel of the NV752, but when torn down for maintenance, are constructed out of construction paper and wood glue. In this case, you get what you pay for.
Welcome back, my friends, to the show that, unfortunately, never ends!
Today is the running of Kentucky Derby. Today’s race will bring to a close the annual “Period of Unproductivity”, a grand tradition in Kentucky where nothing gets done between the start of college basketball playoffs and the first Saturday in May.
It’s dark and cloudy here in IndiUcky this morning, so horses that have been trained in bayous and peat bogs will be favored in today’s race. Look out for any horse that has a snorkel attached to its harness to edge out those carrying scuba gear.
Here’s today’s line-up:
Bourbon and Bad Decisions, a favorite of the fans here at the track. He’s a descendant of Moonshine Madness, the 1929 Derby winner. Amber and Orange silks- 5 to 1
Sunburned Daddy, the first of a trio of horses from Methlab Farms here in Kentucky – Lobster red and bone white silks – 8 to 1
Underdressed Mommy, another Methlab horse, and the only filly in today’s race. She’ll be wearing the undersized black and red silks – 10 to 1
Overstimulated Toddler , the third and final Methlab horse we’ll be seeing today. Cletus McMountaindew, the Methlab trainer, says that this feisty two-year-old is prone to biting, so look for drama as they get to the gate. You’ll know this one by the silks splattered with odd assortments of mud and other substances – 7 to 2
Cankles , a fan favorite for its fashion sense. This horse hales from the Western Ukraine Horse Reservation and Tax Shelter. Cankles is sponsored by the American tax payer and several promissory notes from the European Union. Flowered print silks. Today’s Favorite at 2 to 1
OSHA Violations, an entry from the Louisville Metro Public Works department. Interesting note here – his jockey is Darren Ruckriegel, who is riding today as part of his community service requirement after being found guilty of several financial crimes as director of Public Works last year. Tipping the scales at 350 pounds, he’s by far the biggest jockey in Kentucky Derby history. He’ll be wearing the green silks – 20 to 1
Finally, in the pole position, we have Infield Idiot, another horse popular with the fans. He’s sponsored by BrainDamage Malt Liquor and the Kentucky Cannabis Association. Look for him to not be wearing silks, in honor of all the buck-naked revelers in the infield today. 100 to 1.
Today’s Honor Guard is provided by several courageous members of the Kentucky National Guard who couldn’t get out of it. The Star Spangled Banner will be sung by University of Louisville Music Major Linda Badpitch, who will be joining the Kentucky State Penitentiary Glee Club to sing the expurgated version of My Old Kentucky Home.
For all of us here at DBN, we wish everyone an enjoyable and safe Derby, and hope to see you back here tomorrow for the cleanup. Bring your hazmat suit and your Zofran.
I either need more caffeine or I need to cut back, but this came up after seeing something silly online.
A is for Artillery, making things loud B is for Bradley, dispersing a crowd C is for Carl Gustaf, who just don’t care D is for Dragon, flying through the air E is for EXFIL, getting out of town F is for Frag, making them all fall down G is for Grapeshot, just a little whiff H is for Helicopter, flying next to a cliff I is for Infantry, the queen of battle J is for Javelin, making the tanks rattle K is for Kalashnikov, shooting when covered in grime L is for LD, crossed right on time M is for MaDeuce, Die MFer DIE! N is for Napalm, extra crispy from the sky O is for Ordnance, dropped from above P is for Patriot, giving missiles a shove Q is for Quarterdeck, where the Captain holds sway R is for Ranger, leading the way S is Sniper, creeping through the brush T is for Tank, Cars lined up to crush U is for UAV, way up in the sky V is for Vulcan, making bullets quickly fly W is for Warthog, screaming overhead X is for XO, testing how you made your bed Y is for Yelling, Drill Sergeants favorite job Z is for Zero, By clicking the rifle’s knob
From the “AAARRRRMMY TRAINING, SIR!” Department – Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced late last night that all uniformed service members will be required to pass the Marine physical fitness test, with an additional two-mile open water swim for time, starting in fiscal year 2026. This is in addition to the new requirement that all service members in combat arms jobs must pass the same fitness requirements. Notable among the early objectors are Army leadership, who has been working feverishly to include tiddlywinks and plate spinning to their fitness tests in recent months. Air Force units have already begun adjusting their fitness training to include outdoor activities on a limited basis. Navy PT will now include hurdles as sailors try to get their daily run in without breaking their shins on hatches.
From the “Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics” Department – The United States Department of Commerce has released revised economic data for the U.S. economy from January of 2021 to January of 2025. It appears that we have been in a depression, coupled with just-under hyperinflation, for several years now. Reports are coming in that the former administration not only subverted the process of collating and reporting economic data, but also worked with several shadowy nongovernmental organizations to spirit away the poor when they coalesced into mass protests or took up residence in so-called ‘Bidenvilles’. Where those people have been sent is unknown at this time, but reports of military aircraft circling the interior of Alaska are starting to filter in. No word from President Trump on his plan to pull us out of this nosedive, but footage of government vehicles speeding through the White House gates have popped up on Telegram and other social media.
From the “Adults in Charge” Department – Portland, Oregon, was recently the scene of chaos as the indigenous population of that picturesque city rose up and expelled the hordes of hippies, communists, anarchists, and performative politicians that have afflicted Portland for the past decade and a half. Leaders of the “Portlandia Area Isolationist Network” have produced a manifesto calling for the building of a wall around Portland to keep out the “riffraff”. They also call for federal aid in cleaning up the environmental and societal mess that successive municipal administrations have allowed to occur.
From the “European Vacation” Department – French President Macron and British Prime Minister Starmer announced the formation of a pan-European military organization meant to replace U.S. participation in NATO. Dubbed the “Central Organization for Battle Readiness Activities” or COBRA, the force will provide overarching command over sub-units that specialize in infiltration and espionage, mountain and arctic warfare, jungle and swamp operations, and advanced weapons development. The German government is expected to decide on whether or not they will participate in this new organization, or if they will continue to allow the rest of Europe secure the continent for them.
From the “Gotcha” Department – A middle-aged, semi-retired goofball in Kentucky wishes each of you a happy April Fools Day!
Good morning, everyone! Welcome to the WBAR Morning News!
First, let’s take a quick look at today’s weather.
It’s going to be a wonderful day here in beautiful Lake Asscrack, Kentucky. We are expecting a high of 82, with an overnight low of 23. You can expect intermittent periods of sunshine between waves of showers and hurricane force winds throughout the day. Remember, there is no bad weather, just bad clothing choices.
This weather report is brought to you by our good friends down at SpurgleMints! SpurgleMints, for when sodium citrate just isnt working fast enough!
Today’s phrase that pays is ‘Mongolian Clusterf$$$’. This is an Anglo Saxon term used to describe something that has been hashed up to an extent that will require its own Wikipedia page to explain to those not blessed to be a witness. Here’s an example of its usage ‘The line up and launch for the Kentucky State High School Bass Fishing Tournament was a real Mongolian Clisterf$$$ this morning.’
In other news, a local man forgot to make sure that both his and his son’s cell phones automatically switched over to Central time zone last night. That means that the 4 AM alarm he set before going to bed last night went off at 3 AM local time. This also meant that they were precisely 1 hour and 15 minutes early for the Mongolian Clusterf$$$ this morning.
And now, we go to Sheila McNiceRack with a breathless report on the NCAA basketball tournament. Sheila is reporting live from whichever dive bar the University of Kentucky at Shepherdsville Fighting Weasels ended up at after their disappointing 28 to 65 loss to the Panama City MudBugs last night. Sheila?
Don’t subtract from the population – Valentine’s Day is a great day to find out that your significant other has been sprinkling the landscape with their affections. If this should happen to you, take a deep breath and remember that they’re not worth the prison time.
Don’t add to the population – Ever wonder why obstetricians always look like hell around Thanksgiving? It’s because folks lose their everloving minds around Valentine’s. Unless both parties involved are fully aware that a child can be the product of PX jewelry and gas station flowers and agree that putting a bun in someone’s oven is a good idea, take precautions. Remember, Captain Condom says “Wrap that rascal!”.
Don’t drink and drive – Yes, that pink champagne goes down real easy. So does your bank account and life expectancy when you risk getting pulled over and doing the Harlem Shake on the median for the nice deputy. Either have a designated driver or budget for an Uber.
Related to item number 1 – Check on your buddies! I’ll say that again for the folks in the back – Check on your buddies! Reminders that you were once in love, or realizing that you don’t have anyone to love right now, can be hard for anyone. Make sure the folks on your left and right are OK, and for heaven’s sake respond when somebody reaches out.
Finally, please remember School of Cool Rule Number 1 – Don’t be f&*#ing stupid! That stripper doesn’t love you, even if the heart shaped pasties make her eyes sparkle. That bouncer really doesn’t like you, but will oblige by loaning you an ass kicking if you need one. There is no such thing as a good deal on a used car to celebrate Valentine’s Day! Last, but not least, if you find yourself standing in a wedding chapel or in front of a justice of the peace and you have to think hard to remember their middle name, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit!
I’ve been doing a bit of traveling lately, and last night I decided to end my day in beautiful Baton Rouge, Louisiana. After having travelled through the garden spot of Port Arthur, Baton Rouge looked like heaven, even considering the traffic jam on the rickety bridge across the Mississippi.
I picked one of my go-to hotel chains and found an affordable room at the Courtyard Marriott. Here are my thoughts on the hotel:
When choosing where to put a hotel, you would think that either convenient access from the interstate that runs directly behind the hotel or easy access to great food and entertainment would be considered. Honestly, in the best of worlds, you’d have both. In this case, I got neither. It took 15 minutes of slight right turns and roundabouts to get to the parking lot after I left the interstate. This parking lot is deceptively easy to miss, as it adjoins a neighboring Residence Inn and a mysterious building with neon lighting but no signage, but has no connection to them. After checking in (more on that to come), I cleaned up and searched for local cuisine to enjoy. To my disappointment, I could either walk over to the Texas Roadhouse (a fine establishment with good food, but I was hoping for something I couldn’t get in Louisville) or a drive to the nearby mall to sample their wares. I stretched my legs and got a chicken Caesar salad at the Texas Roadhouse.
If the location isn’t perfect, at least the staff should be friendly and helpful. The best I can say about the ladies at the front desk last night was that they were present. When they noticed that my driver’s license was from Kentucky, they asked about how cold it was up there, why I wasn’t there now, and what I was doing in Louisiana. I remarked that I was just passing through, it was 20 degrees colder in San Antonio that morning, and it was just beautiful and 75 degrees here in Baton Rouge. After being informed that “Sir, this is the South”, I was given a keycard to the room furthest from both the lobby and elevator in this half-full hotel.
After a long day on the road, I thought a shower would be good before getting dinner. As expected in a hotel, the water in the tub went from ‘Lapland’ to ‘Hades’, with little room in the middle for ‘survivable’. I found something on the hot side of survivable, cleaned up, and then made my way out through the fog bank that had built up because the bathroom fan was inoperative.
After schlepping up to my room, cleaning up, and going out for dinner, I returned to my room and prepared for bed. Being unconscious was the highlight of my stay. The mattress had lumps in just the right places for me to stretch out and get a few hours of sleep.
That sleep, however, was interrupted when I woke up at 4 AM to a chill and a large amount of noise. Checking the window, I found a half inch gap in the window, allowing in the cool Louisiana air and the sound of semi’s making their way down I-10. This was accentuated by the sound of wind coming from the miniature refrigerator, which I am not ashamed to say I was not brave enough to investigate. I’m having enough of an adventure, thank you very much, and I don’t need to be swept into white-trash Narnia through the dorm fridge.
After a couple of hours of trying to get back to sleep, I decided to just get on the road. My morning shower was, at best, tepid, as apparently all of the hot water in Louisiana had been used already. During my hose down with weak tea water, I noticed that the vinyl shower enclosure was in need of either replacement or a good scrubbing with detergent normally used to clean up crime scenes. I’m guessing housekeeping can’t use anything too harsh, as the old toothpaste used to caulk the seams would probably let go and injure someone. At least the towels were scratchy.
Overall, if you’re looking for somewhere to stay in Baton Rouge, might I suggest Alabama?
DaddyBear’s Den 