• From the “UXO” Department – A California city was recently put on alert after an artillery or tank shell was found in its business district.  Fortunately, no-one was hurt.  The picture in the article doesn’t include any wires or such, so I’m going to guess that this was more of the “Hey, guys, look what I found hiking!” vein than the “Let’s blow up the capitalist scum!” vein.  Of course, it could also be PSH over someone leaving that souvenir inert shell out where ninnies could see it, but that’s not covered in the article.  Remember kids, if you didn’t drop it, you probably shouldn’t be picking it up.
• From the “Correct Approach” Department – Former Supreme Court Justice Stevens has put out his views on six ways that the Constitution should be changed.  Altering the Constitution’s protection of gun rights makes up two of those changes.  While I don’t agree with the gentleman, at least he’s trying to do this the right way.  If you want to restrict something that the Constitution protects, you have to change the Constitution, not pass unconstitutional laws.
• From the “Not Justified” Department – A man in Minnesota is on trial after being accused of murdering two people who broke into his house.  Normally, I’d be trumpeting how unjust it is for someone to be prosecuted for defending home and hearth, but it seems that there is a slight wrinkle in this one.  You see, evidence indicates that the gentleman in question waited for the two goblins to break into his house, and when they came into the basement, he shot them.  The most damning thing is his assertion that the last shots were done specifically to finish the suspects off.  This is why the first rule of talking to the police after an incident is to not do it until you have a chat with an attorney.   The district attorney is making a stink about the fact that he fired more than one shot at each of the intruders, but that shouldn’t matter.  If someone comes into your home as a thief in the night and catches you by surprise, causing you to feel your life or the lives of your loved ones are in danger, it wouldn’t matter to me if you fired off one shot from your great-granddaddy’s Kentucky rifle or an entire belt of ammunition from a belt-fed gun.  If you’re going to shoot, you shoot until the threat ends.  However, laying in wait for someone and then shooting them again with the specific, stated intent to kill them, apparently after the threat is over, is beyond the pale.
• From the “Truth Hurts” Department – 9/11 apologists are decrying a decision by the group that runs the 9/11 memorial museum to show a film which discusses the religious bent of the 9/11 hijackers and al Qaeda.  Apparently they’re worried that the average visitor to the museum won’t be able to get their head around the Venn diagram that shows that, while not all Muslims are supporters or members of al Qaeda, all known supporters and members of al Qaeda are indeed Muslims.  How horrible that the facts of the matter are openly discussed, rather than the normal conversation of how the hijackers and their leadership materialized out of thin air and how the massacre of innocent people happened because of something we all did to the oppressed people of the world.
• From the “Mama Bear” Department – A woman in Texas earned my respect recently when she fought off a dog that was attacking her child, including biting off the dog’s ear and shoving her own fist in its mouth to keep it from biting the child.  The family had been taking care of the dog, and it unexpectedly attacked the child.  The child has injuries to her head and face, and the mother sustained injuries to her arms.  Just goes to show that the most dangerous place in the world is between a protective mother and her child.
• From the “Welcome Home” Department – The remains of a U.S. soldier, who died on Saipan during World War II, have been returned to his family and buried in Paducah, Kentucky.  PFC William T. Carneal died during a Japanese counter-attack during the retaking of Saipan, and his remains, along with the remains of four other American servicemen, were found by a Japanese organization that is searching for the bodies of Japanese soldiers.  I find it poignant that people from Japan traveled to Kentucky to take part in commemorating his life.  Welcome home, soldier.  You’ve been sorely missed.

• From the “There’s Always One” Department – A Marine, who was assigned to President Obama’s security detail during a recent trip to Europe, is in hot water after a night out on the town.  Apparently his activities included drinking way too much way to close to being on duty, passing around his security badge, and bragging that he is a “bullet catcher” for the President.  For those of you in government service who are being told that you are going to be sequestered to your quarters, ordered to stay away from the locals, and that the consumption of alcohol while on trips is verboten, you can thank Sergeant Schlipenschitz for that.  The Marine is said to be a front-runner for this year’s Marine Corps Blue Falcon Award, with his only competition being the Lance Corporal from 1st MEF who has been bringing the Camp Pendleton base commander’s teenage daughter back to the barracks for some ‘personal time’.
• From the “Hobbies” Department – A man in Florida was recently arrested after residents of an apartment building reported that he was riding around on a child’s tricycle, naked, and chewing on glass and tobacco.  To quote the late, great Rick James:  Cocaine is a hell of a drug.  When asked by this reporter as to his plans after finishing his latest engagement in state custody, the man was heard to say “I’m going to Disneyland!”.   In unrelated news, officials of the Magic Kingdom have announced that tricycle rentals have been suspended until further notice.
• From the “Birth Control” Department – The North Korean People’s Glorious Committee on Personal Grooming and Beauty has announced that men in the DPRK are henceforth required to model their haircuts on that worn by Kim Jong Un.  The “Business On The Side, Party Up On Top” cut, which was last popularized in the 1950’s by the cartoon character “Dagwood“, is a stylish throwback to that wonderful period when men were men, women were women, and dictators had better things to do with their time.
• From the “Business As Usual” Department – Covered California, a Obamacare program, has come under fire after it mailed thousands of voter registration cards out with the “Democrat” entry already circled.   This brings up two troubling questions.  First, why is an organization, which is ostensibly supposed to be getting people to buy health insurance, sending out voter registration cards at all?  Second, is anyone actually surprised by this?  Covered California is blaming the Secretary of State’s office, who they claim provided the cards.  When asked about it by this reporter, a representative of the Secretary of State’s office replied with a shrug and a blank stare.  In related news, the California Democratic party has announced that they have successfully recruited 225 million Californians as pledged and donating members.  This includes every person currently living in the state, their dead parents and grandparents, who would vote Democrat if they were still alive, as well as their descendents in the next three generations.  Voter turnout for the November elections is projected to be near 100%.

Saturday night, about 200 people, described as ‘youths’, gathered in Louisville’s Riverside Park.  At some point, they split up, some going east, some going west.  One group ran into a family out for a walk on Big Four Bridge, a former railroad bridge that has been turned into a pedestrian walkway over the Ohio River.  The grandmother and two grandchildren got to watch as a group of young people beat and kicked the grandfather.  Another group descended upon a convenience store a few blocks away, assaulting an employee and taking merchandise.  After leaving the store, they dragged a woman out of her car and beat her in front of her family.  Additionally, a man is reporting that he was attacked nearby on Friday night as he walked along South Preston Street with his partner.

Here’s a map of the area, with the incidents highlighted:

The red area is Waterfront Park.  The blue area is the Big Four Bridge.  The black area is South Preston Street.  The “A” is the location of the convenience store.  There is a scale in the bottom right. The distances here are measured in hundreds of yards and city blocks, mere minutes for a mob traveling on foot.

That area is the eastern half of downtown Louisville, and while it’s not a utopia, it’s not considered that bad an area crime-wise.  The kick-0ff event for the Kentucky Derby Festival, Thunder Over Louisville, is centered around Waterfront Park.  The Louisville Bats play at the baseball stadium just to the east of Preston Street. The large white building just north of the “31W” sign on the right side of the map is the KFC Yum! Center, where University of Louisville basketball games are held, along with many concerts and other events.  A lot of work and money has gone into making this part of town safer and more enjoyable for everyone.

This is not a blighted urban cesspool.  That didn’t matter this weekend.

There was no big game to celebrate that night. That didn’t matter this weekend.

There has been no major civil rights drama of late in Louisville to justify anger.  That didn’t matter this weekend.

A man and a woman were beaten in front of their families.  A man was ambushed as he walked along a public street.  A store was robbed, and its employee beaten.  After all this, Mayor Fischer and the Louisville Metro Police Department pledge to do… something.  Mothers who take their children to play at the park are ‘considering’ carrying weapons.

In other words, those whom we are paying to keep the peace and those who want the peace kept are trying to figure out who let the horses out and whether or not it’s a good idea to close the barn door.

People, take care of yourself.  The difference between bruised ribs and a permanent injury or death is a few extra foot pounds of force or a few inches difference in placement of a blow.  My gut tells me that this won’t be the last time we see stories about things like this, and it’s only a matter of time before these ‘youths’ graduate from random beatings and a snatch-and-grab to killing someone.

Know where you are and who is around you.  If you go, go armed.  If you have to fight, fight dirty and fight to escape and survive.  No-one’s life is as precious as your life and those of your loved ones.

Oh, and by the way, if you’re considering coming to Louisville for the 2016 National Rifle Association Annual Meeting, it’s being held at the Kentucky Convention Center.  That’s about three blocks west of the edge of that map.  A couple of the hotels for the NRAAM are on the map.  Keep that in mind.

• From the “Graccus Gambit” Department – Senator Rand Paul got a surprisingly warm reception when he addressed a group at the University of California at Berkeley.  The primary topic of his speech was the ongoing government surveillance scandal.  He specifically brought up the recent revelation that the CIA may have been actively spying on Congress, but also asserted that the government has no business knowing what private citizens do with their cell phones.  I wish the good senator luck.  I agree that our intelligence organs are out of control, and it’s going to take a lot of political clout and guts to rein them in.
• From the “Security Theater” Department – A teenager in New York snuck past security at the new World Trade Center and found his way to the top floor.  Apparently he was able to get through a fence, climb some scaffolding, and get past a ‘distracted’ guard before making his ascent.  It’s good to see that all that money and effort we’ve expended in securing high value targets over the past decade and a half is working.
• From the “Slap On the Wrist” Department – The Army general, who was charged in connection with an adulterous affair he had with a subordinate, was sentenced today after accepting a plea bargain.  Instead of being reduced to the lowest possible rank and being confined to a disciplinary barracks until the end of his days, he is being reprimanded and fined $20,000.  Apparently a plea from his wife asking for leniency so that she and her children wouldn’t lose out on his retirement checks worked.  Instead of competing to be let out of his cell to do yard work at Fort Leavenworth, he is going to be allowed to retire, although it is possible he will not get full pay for a Brigadier General.  If that happens, he will make a little over $5000 a month, rather than a little over $7000 a month.  How horrible.
• From the “If You Can’t Say Anything Nice” Department – Fred Phelps, Democrat politician and leader of a religious group that has gained notoriety for protesting at funerals, died today.  I will not eulogize him, for I do not believe that he deserved it.  I will also refrain from condemning him, because he deserves that no more than I do.  We will all stand before our creator someday, and I will not add to my extensive list of sins by dwelling on the evil that others do.  Jennifer puts it very eloquently in her post about Mr. Phelps’ passing.
• From the “Own It” Department – The American Medical Association, which supported passage of the Affordable Care Act, has put out advisories to doctors on not falling into one of the many traps of Obamacare.  It seems that  it is quite possible, even likely, that doctors will be on the hook for the cost of treating patients after their insurance has lapsed.  You see, an insurance company must now, by law, give a patient 90 days to get caught up if they fall behind in their insurance premiums.  Additionally, even if they cancel a policy after 90 days of non-payment, the insurance company must pay for any care done in the first 30 days of the grace period.  That means that if I had an Obamacare policy and stopped paying, my insurance company couldn’t cancel my coverage for 90 days.  Whether they can tell doctors about my possible change in status seems to be a matter of debate.  So, if the insurance company covers me for 90 days, but only pays for 30, who do you think is going to foot the bill for the remaining 60 days?  If only the AMA had actually read the bill before they threw their prodigious weight behind its passage.
• From the “Doing It Right” Department – The city of Richmond, California, has passed an ordinance that raises the minimum wage in the city to over $12.00 an hour.  I know there has been a lot of talk recently about raising the national minimum wage, and I’m against that.  But if a state or city wants to raise their local minimum wage, I’m all for it.  If California wants their minimum wage to be $15, but Kentucky wants to stay at $7.25, that’s OK.  Just don’t force employers in Louisville to pay their workers at levels more appropriate to New York or Los Angeles, and vice versa.  Hey, if you’re going to have to work and live in a shithole like Richmond, you probably deserve $12.30 an hour.
• From the “Nuke It From Orbit” Department – A woman in Great Britain got a bit of a fright when an aggressive tropical spider, complete with an egg sack full of the rest of her invasion force, hitched a ride from Africa to London.  Reports are that the spider and her brood are safe at the London Zoo instead of being served up medium rare to the office cat.  You know, things like this are exactly how a lot of horror movies start.

• From the “Dumbass” Department – A man in Louisville is back in jail after police discovered that he not only violated the terms of his home incarceration by having guns in the house, but it is also alleged that he was selling stolen guns.  Reports are that Captain Success had four handguns in the home, two of which were stolen.   Now, I have some reservations about the no-guns-for-life aspect of being a felon.  If you’re safe enough to be out of the supervision of the government, then why aren’t you safe enough to exercise your rights.  But that’s a discussion for another day.  If you’re on parole, probation, or house arrest, and Mr. Judge says “No touchee the guns, son”, then stay the heck away from firearms.  Plus, when the agents of the state have the legal power to come to your door unannounced and search your home, why in the heck would you have stolen property in the house, including hiding them in your infant’s bedroom?
• From the “Own It” Department – Mark Zuckerberg, billionaire and founder of FaceBook, recently called President Obama to protest the domestic surveillance programs of the National Security Agency.  One of the latest revelations is that the NSA may have put up phony FaceBook sites to draw in targets and gain access to their data and communications.    While I heartily agree that the NSA has no business doing things like this to American citizens, I have this to say to Mr. Zuckerberg:  Tough toenails.  You and your nouveau riche Silicon Valley ilk did your very best to get this drip elected, and now you want to complain?  What, did you not realize that he was a machine politician?  Did you not think that once he got his hands on the workings of the government that he might either lose control of it, or worse, use it to his personal advantage?   Suck it up, buttercup.   You paid for this ride, so enjoy it.  I suggest you lay back and think of England, because January 2017 is a long way away, and your other political activities have tied up the Senate well enough that there is no hope of removing him from office.  Jerk.
• From the “Expected Results” Department – A man in California recently found the outer limits of my blood pressure when he turned down help from a Fox News commentator in finding a job.  Instead, he plans to stay on government assistance, purchase luxury foods such as sushi and lobster using food stamps, and practice with his band.  There appears to be nothing physically wrong with him, and his statements lead me to believe that this is deliberate behavior.  Now, I understand that life can punch someone in the gut and cause them to need a hand.  Most times it’s temporary help that’s used until they can get back on their feet.  Sometimes someone is in a situation that is permanent, such as injury or illness, and they need long-term, possibly permanent, assistance.   To those people I usually hold no grudge.  But asshats like this make the others look bad.  He’s capable of supporting himself, but apparently doesn’t choose to.  You know, every so often I think we need to bring back public shaming at the stocks, but at this point, I’m just shaking my head and hoping to keep things together long enough for my kids to reach maturity.  Here’s hoping that his guitar playing hands go permanently numb after he gets a bad batch of sushi on my dime.
• From the “Bad Situation” Department – A deputy in South Carolina recently shot an elderly man when he mistook the walking stick that the man was pulling from his truck for a rifle.  The deputy had pulled the man over for a moving violation, and for some reason he got out of his truck and reached for his cane.  The deputy mistook the cane for a rifle, and after shouting out, shot the man in the abdomen.  In the same vein, a father in Houston recently shot and killed a boy he found in his daughter’s bedroom at 2 in the morning.  The daughter told her father that she did not know the boy, and the father maintains that he shot the youth when he reached for something.  It is reported that the daughter later confessed to knowing the boy.  There are two lessons here.  First, when someone, law enforcement or not, has their gun on you, don’t go reaching for anything without talking your way through it with them.  Don’t surprise someone who’s got a gun and is already excited.  The second lesson is this:  You can’t call that bullet back.  If you’re going to use a firearm to defend yourself or your family, you better be damn sure that what you think is happening is indeed what is actually happening.
• From the “Dumbasses on Parade” Department – An 18 year old man in New Jersey is in jail after being found with 43 bags of heroin and $400 in cash on him.  While in this day and age that doesn’t seem like that big a deal, the fact that he was caught while trying to enter a courthouse for an unrelated hearing puts this young man over the top in the “Dumbass of the Week” competition.  I cannot imagine the level of stupidity it would take to walk into a building where you are going to be under scrutiny while carrying drugs and money.  Here’s hoping he enjoys his new career as an organic space heater while in a government facility.
• From the “First Runner Up” Department – A 20 year old man in California is in hot water after posting a picture of a scoped rifle on social media and saying that he would shoot a pedestrian with it after 100 people forwarded his post.  Luckily for everyone, he apparently only had an airsoft gun, and no-one was harmed.  Personally, I’m hoping he is sent to clean up the old ranges at Fort Irwin with a garden trowel as his punishment.  Nothing like drudgery and crappy conditions to focus a young person’s mind on whether or not they want to continue to be a jackass.

• From the “What Goes Up” Department – A man in Philadelphia has been sentenced to 20 years in prison after he fired shots into the air at a party.  It would appear that the gentleman is a previous resident of state custodial organizations, so it should be no surprise that he is not being commended for his intellect when it comes to guns.  My guess is that the words “habitual offender” were used to replace the word “dumbass” in his indictment.
• From the “Get A Rope” Department – It would appear that the Central Intelligence Agency used its intelligence gathering skills against the wrong people.  Democratic Senator Udall of Colorado has reported that the CIA may have put the Senate Intelligence committee staff under surveillance after the committee refuted a CIA assertion.  The theory is that the CIA figured that the only way that the committee could have known what it knew was through a leak at the CIA, so they took the logical step of investigating the committee that has oversight over them.  You know, I want to send a message to my brothers and sisters in the CIA, and it is this:  STOP IT!  Now, assuming that someone did actually leak some documents to Congress, so what?  Congress, in doing its job of overseeing the intelligence function of the government, automatically has need to know.  The documents in question should have been given freely.  But if you all did indeed feel that a crime had been committed, why didn’t you go to, you know, law enforcement?  We have these people called FBI and Secret Service agents.  Their whole reason for being is to look into possible crimes and investigate them.  Putting Congress under surveillance was a stupid thing to do, and I hope that whoever ordered it, did it, knew about it and did nothing, or should about it but remained willfully ignorant is called on the carpet and prosecuted.
• From the “Veruca Salt” Department – A young woman in New Jersey got a crushing blow to her ego and self image yesterday when a judge threw out her petition to force her parents to continue to support her and pay for her schooling after she had left their home.  Her bid to force her parents to pay for her college education will get a hearing later this month.  The 18 year old woman claims she was thrown out, while her parents say she left voluntarily.  To me, that means nothing.  Once you’re 18, you’re legally an adult.  If your parents continue to make sure that you eat and have a place to live, much less pay to send you to a good school, they do so because they want to, not because they have to.   Hopefully the family is able to work something out privately, but dragging a lawyer in was probably counterproductive.
• From the “Rule Four” Department – A 9 year old child in Dallas is in critical condition when his jackass neighbor negligently shot him while doing target practice in the back yard.  Again, it would appear that the jackass in question has a history with the police.  You know, it’s almost as if criminals tend to be on the stupid side of the gene pool, and that they are more likely than the rest of us to commit crimes and hurt people.  If he’s convicted, I hope this guy spends a very long time in a very bad place doing very hard, very dirty labor.
• From the “Legal Beagle” Department – The government of Grand Rapids, Michigan, is working to remove a law that criminalizes willfully irritating another person.  Personally, I’d like to see the law strengthened, with first offense earning a public flogging and second offense earning tar and feathers.  Irritating twits aren’t going to need a third offense, because they’re going to get their minds right.
• From the “My People” Department – The Dairy Queen in Moorhead, Minnesota, opened on schedule this weekend.  The walk-up ice cream restaurant, which conducts all of its business outdoors, has been opening on the first of March since 1949.  It is reported that a group of sturdy Northern folk lined up to get Dilly Bars and Peanut Buster Parfaits in subzero temperatures.  This just goes to show how much you need to get out and do something different after a long winter.

• From the “Medical Advice” Department – The American Pediatricians Association is urging parents to not use small clinics, such as the “Doc-in-the-box” shops that are cropping up in department stores and pharmacies.  Their reasoning is that these clinics don’t provide continuity in care the way that going to a doctor’s office does, and I can see their point. If you are using a doctor, they need to know what medications you’re on, what illnesses you’ve had, and what vaccinations you’ve received.  But the convenience of these clinics, especially when someone is sick, can’t be ignored.  Here’s an example:  I came down with a sinus infection last weekend.  I called my doctor on Wednesday, after toughing it out for a few days.  She doesn’t see patients on Wednesdays, so I asked if I could get in on Thursday.  The receptionist couldn’t find an open appointment on Thursday, but she offered to have my doctor’s assistant call me.  I got a call back later that afternoon, and I was invited to come into the office on Thursday morning and they would try to fit me in.  The last time I did that, I sat in the waiting room, sick and infectious, for four hours, while those who had appointments went back to be seen.  That’s not a knock against my doctor.  She has a lot of patients and takes excellent care of all of us.  I declined, went to the urgent care clinic in the same building and hospital system she uses, and was seen in less than 10 minutes.  10 minutes after that, I had a diagnosis, a prescription, and discharge paperwork.  If doctors have problems in knowing what their patients are getting treated for at these clinics, they either need to tie in with them so that the medical records at their office are in sync with the clinic, or up their staff with ARNP or physician’s assistants so they can see more patients who didn’t have the forethought to schedule their sinus infections two weeks in advance.
• From the “Facepalm” Department – A Colorado politician reinforced my opinion on off-body carry the other day when he left a hearing on concealed carry permits without taking along the bag in which he keeps his pistol.  Remember, kids, being responsible with your firearms means knowing where it is at all times.  Chalk this one up to the same reminder that I have for the police who leave their guns in the bathroom stall or the people who forget the pistol in the unlocked glove box when they run into the store and leave the kids behind.
• From the “Get Back In Line” Department – A woman in Florida has been given a month to comply with an order to hook her home up to utilities.  It seems that the lady has been living “off the grid” for some time, using solar panels for power and gathering rain water.  I would love to get an unbiased account of the cities side of this, because for the life of me, I can’t figure out where it’s their business what she does in her own home.  The only possible reasoning I can imagine is if she doesn’t have a septic tank, so they might have a health or environmental angle on this.
• From the “Stupidity Hurts” Department – An escaped criminal in Texas is back in jail after calling 911 to complain that his handcuffs were too tight.  It appears that Mr. Houdini escaped after being left alone, but apparently never figured out how to pick the lock on his bracelets.  Folks, this is what you get when you don’t teach shop classes in school anymore.  If he or his compatriots had been made to go to metal shop for a few semesters, he’d be a fugitive, not an inmate.
• From the “Big Ball of Fur” Department – A leopard is running around a city in India, and has injured at least 7 people.  Authorities have closed schools and urged residents to not approach the feline.  They also report that a large ball of twine and a kilo and a half of fine Afghani catnip will be delivered late this evening, so they hope to have the situation well in hand by the end of the week.
• From the “Four Rules” Department – A man in Michigan killed himself recently when he tried to demonstrate how a handgun safety works by pointing a loaded gun at his head and pulling the trigger.  Mr. Dumas, 36, apparently had thrown back a few drinks that evening, and demonstrated his unique technique for a function check on three handguns.  The third gun apparently didn’t know that it was supposed to be unloaded, and he shot himself in the head.  Remember kids, the Four Rules exist for a reason, and please remember DaddyBear’s Fifth Rule – Alcohol, stupidity, and gunpowder do not mix. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the man’s girlfriend and the three children who were in the home at the time.
• From the “Luck and a Little Help” Department – A bus driver in Dayton is crediting the small New Testament he kept in a breast pocket for saving his life.  He had stopped his bus to check out a mechanical problem when he was shot three times and stabbed by several men.  Two of the shots hit him in the chest, but were stopped by his New Testament.  Later reporting shows that the gun was a .25, and that the FBI has been asked to investigate whether this was a ‘hate crime’, which is much worse than an attempted murder.
• From the “Can’t Live, If Living Is Without Me” Department – A man in Florida was arrested after calling his ex-girlfriend 145 times in 11 hours.  Captain Success also threatened to blow up the school where the lady worked, and told a police officer that they would need the SWAT team to get him.  I guess he decided to not go down in a blaze of glory, because he’s still being referred to in the present tense.  Officials from the Department of Homeland Security are flying in a relationship counselor for the woman, who is also being given a copy of DaddyBear’s bestselling self-help book “Why Did You Go Out With The Dumbass In The First Place?”, a guide to dating and breaking up.
• From the “Own It” Department – Unions for federal workers are crying out in frustration after a proposed 1 percent pay increase for federal workers.  The Obama administration has apparently noticed that the coffers aren’t bottomless, and has actually started taking steps to curb the parts of the federal budget that won’t inflame their voter base.  To the leaders of those unions, I have this to say:  You put him there, therefore you can deal with the consequences.  If we weren’t wasting billions of dollars on “shovel-ready” projects, bailing out your brothers in the UAW, and ‘investing’ in failing green energy companies, we’d have more money to buy union votes for the 2014 elections.
• From the “Going to Hell on a Scholarship” Department – A thief in Norway stole a cell phone and a wallet that its owner, a priest, had left in a dressing room while he went out to give Mass.   Satan had no comment at this time, so we can assume that the thief still walks among the living. Confidential sources report that the unit next to my condo on the Lake of Fire is being renovated for him.  I’ll have to invite him over for a warm Ballentines when I get down there.

• From the “Chocolate City” Department – Ray Nagin, former mayor of New Orleans and lifetime achievement award winner from the Politicians For The Evacuation Of Politicians society, has been convicted on multiple counts of corruption.  It appears, ironically, that Mr. Nagin was as dirty as a Louisiana politician.  My suggestion to Mr. Nagin is to read Peter Grant’s memoir of his time working in a Louisiana prison.  Some of the things in there might come in handy.
• From the “Snidely Whiplash” Department – A National Guard exercise in Ohio last year apparently had people like me as the villain.  The exercise, designed by the West Virginia National Guard and conducted by the Ohio National Guard, had a janitor and chemistry teacher decide to gas their school as part of the underlying scenario.  In order to make things more realistic for the soldiers, pro-Second Amendment literature and graffiti was placed in the training area.  Because, as we are all aware, no-one in the United States is more likely to be a mass-murderer and terrorist than someone who believes in civil rights.  Why, we can all fondly remember those “Chemical Warfare and the Gun Owner” classes the NRA put on at the annual meeting in Pittsburgh.  You know, the next time I go for training down at Fort Knox, I’m going to suggest they put up some quotes from the leader of the Southern Poverty Law Center in the torture chamber or the bomb factory.   Fair is fair.
• From the “Get A Rope” Department – Several children were recently rescued from an abusive home recently when one of them emailed a teacher asking for help.  It is alleged that their family tied them to beds for days on end, beat them, and the girls were raped by their step-father.  I know I show distrust of government agents at times, but there is a place for them to step in.  This would be a prime example of the narrow set of circumstances where I believe it is fit and proper for the authorities to take action.
• From the “Get A Rope” Department – A man in Pennsylvania has been charged with multiple counts stemming from the shooting death of a horse.  The horse in question was being used by an Amish family to pull their buggy when it was shot.  The jackass in question is currently in jail on charges that include reckless endangerment and cruelty to animals.  I would have thrown in attempted murder as well.  That horse was the primary mode of transportation for that family, and it’s desperately cold out this winter.  If the horse had dropped right there, that family would have been left out in the elements.  If he’s convicted, I suggest he be broken to a bridle and forced to pull a buggy around the countryside for a few years.  A diet of oats and salad will be good for him.
• From the “Dumbass of the Week” Department – A woman in Germany is in trouble after she mistook her friend’s can of pepper spray for deodorant.  She then maced herself, causing the club she was in to be evacuated, with two people having damage to their eyes from the fumes.  I would imagine that one of the two women who were harmed was the sprayer herself.   Things like this are the reason I don’t care for the holsters that look like a wallet, or the stun guns that look like cell phones.
• From the “Potassium and Lead” Department – A man in Texas was cited for standing on the side of a road and waving around an AK-variant rifle to promote a nearby gun store.  Interestingly enough, the store in question was owned by the man who made a bit of a splash recently when he was stopped in a mall as he tried to walk to his gun store with a rifle on his back.  Apparently, it’s a bad thing to use an actual rifle to point the direction to a store that sells rifles.
• From the “This Land is Your Land, or Not” Department – A couple in Colorado has had some of their property condemned and are fighting an eminent domain action to have it seized by their county government.  It appears that the county doesn’t like that the couple is using an ATV to get from their property on lower slopes to get to their property on upper slopes via an old mining road.  It’s not clear from the story whether or not the road they were using is on their property.  The county says it is doing this to keep lands open and wild, and had offered to buy the acreage, but was refused.  I guess the horror of property owners accessing their property along an established road in a manner that works for them is too much for local officials to handle.
• From the “PSH” Department – Florida lawmakers are proposing legislation that would allow them to more closely regulate backyard target practice by homeowners.   Reasons for this are that they are worried about people shooting their neighbors, causing damage to property, and being responsible while exercising their rights.  Next up – people who do automotive repairs and welding in their garage.  Heaven knows what all that acetylene and gasoline could do if someone were careless.