• From the “Young Heroes” Department – A 9 year old boy in San Jose California rescued a 3 year old girl from the bottom of a pool.  The young girl is doing OK, and the boy is recovering from smacking his big brass balls on the side of the pool as he dove in.
• From the “Only in Kentucky” Department – 11 people, including 9 children, were hospitalized after the kids set off a tear gas grenade they were playing with.  Having been gassed on numerous occasions, I can say that this was probably the most sucktastic moment in these young peoples’ lives.  As for the adults that left a CS grenade down where the kids could get to it, I’m hoping that they are the two who got taken to the hospital.
• From the “When I see it, I’ll believe it” Department – Scientists in Massachusetts have reportedly been able to engineer a microbe that takes in waste water, sunshine, and carbon dioxide and excretes diesel fuel.  They are moving to ramp up to industrial sized testing, and are promising that this technology will solve the energy crisis, global warming, the unicorn shortage, and the heartbreak of psoriasis.  I personally will invest in this endeavor once my cold fusion, Chevy Volt, and Madoff investments pay off.

• From the “Nothing can go wrong here” Department – A man in Sweden is under investigation after authorities discovered he was building a nuclear reactor in his apartment.  No word yet on whether he will be charged in connection with the three headed dogs and three eyed fish found in his neighborhood.
• From the “Grand Theft Whirlybird” Department – Police in Oklahoma are searching for the parties who made off with a helicopter. In an unrelated question, has anyone seen aepilotjim lately?

When I was growing up, it was not uncommon to read about people from the Soviet Union and Warsaw Pact defecting to the west and asking for political asylum.  Sometimes they were government officials who could feel the power slipping away, sometimes they were artists or athletes who wanted greater opportunities in the West, and sometimes they were everyday men and women who were given an opportunity to flee and took it.  After the fall of Communism, defections and requests for asylum became rare.

Recently, a journalist from Russia requested asylum in Israel.  He feels that his life is in danger because of work he has done uncovering corruption in the Russian legal system.  I wish him luck.

That’s one thing I can say about our country and most countries in the West.  You don’t see a lot of people who play for the U.S. Olympic Team trying to defect to China, and you don’t see Brad Pitt and Nancy Grace running to the Russian government seeking asylum when they do overseas work.  America and the rest of the democratic nations are the hope of the rest of the world when they are oppressed or in danger.

• From the “Bad To Worse” Department – A man in Florida strapped a fake bomb to the underside of his car and headed off to get an oil change.  A technician at the garage noticed his package and alerted authorities.  Apparently the man was going through a bad divorce, so one could see this as either an attempt at “suicide by cop” or a cry for help.  I see this as someone who wants to spend more quality time with his lawyer.
• From the “Get A Rope” Department – Police in Wisconsin are advising citizens to keep an eye on their air conditioners after a string of robberies.  My guess is thieves are stealing them to resell the copper in the coils.  In the summer, this should be a hanging offense.  I’m a winter guy myself.  I can always add another layer of wool or poly-pro when you’re cold.  You can only get so naked when you’re hot before the neighbors start to talk.  For those of you who will have that image in your head as you try to go to sleep tonight, I’m sorry.
• From the “But It Is Terminal” Department – A lawyer in Florida has coined the phrase of the day:  “He’s guilty of felony stupidity…but I don’t think that should be a federal crime”.  His client is charged with getting drunk on a cruise ship, breaking into a control room, and releasing one of the ship’s anchors.  Personally, I believe this could have been fixed with a little something they used to call ‘keelhauling‘, but that’s just me.
• From the “How Can They Tell The Difference” Department – A transit strike in Italy caused snarled train, bus, and ferry traffic in the land of good wine and better food.  Having driven in Naples, I cannot imagine how it could have been worse than normal.  The streets in Naples were just big enough for two small Fiat micromachines to pass each other, and the Italians routinely try to fit five in the same space.  That being said, it’s good that you can’t swing a cat in Italy without hitting a church, because I regularly had something to confess about the thoughts I had towards other drivers and the language I used in reference to their skill and breeding.  Of course, I could also ask the priest to pray for me as I tried to make it across town.

Hurricane Dora is churning in the Pacific, and is expected to hit Mexico’s coast soon.

Upon hearing that a hurricane had been named after a cartoon character, I wonder what’s next?  Could we have a year with a list of hurricanes named after annoying children television characters?

Here are a few suggestions:

Austin

Barney
Diego
Elmo
Grover
Pablo
Pikachu
Rocky
Tasha
Tyrone
Uniqua

And yes, before you ask, I’ve watched way too much kids television in the last 20 years or so.  Why do you ask?

Scientists off the coast of South Africa were treated recently to an opportunity to conduct an up close and personal observation of a great white shark in the wild.  Specifically, a 9 plus foot long shark jumped out of the water, landed on the stern of a research vessel, and proceeded to thrash about, cutting fuel lines and such.  Eventually, the shark was returned to open water.

How’d you like to have been the research intern who was chumming when that thing jumped over you?  I just hope that same intern wasn’t the one who had to hose out the bottom of the boat that day.  My guess is that it was especially foul after this incident

• From the “Busy Night” Department – An Ohio legislator has pled guilty to DUI.  At the time of his arrest, he was driving under the influence, had a stripper in the car, and had Viagra in his system.  Wow, there’s a lot going on there.  If you wrote that into a movie script, it would be rejected as being unbelievable.  Then again, I had no problem believing it in the news report, so who knows?
• From the “Stupid Is As Stupid Does” Department – A group of college students in Utah were injured when their pastime of dropping Molotov cocktails and fireworks down an abandoned mineshaft literally backfired on them.  Apparently it was just fun and games until someone arrived with a metric crap-ton of gasoline and it got spilled down the mineshaft and caught fire. If the word ‘blowtorch’ just ran through your mind, congratulations, you’re right.  Several people were badly burned and had to drive themselves down out of the mountains to get some help.   Remember people, stupidity and flammable liquids don’t mix.  I don’t know how often I’ve had to say that.
• From the “This is Revolution!” Department – A judge in Minnesota refused to help bar and liquor store owners who wanted him to force the state to issue liquor licenses even though the government is shut down due to budget issues.  Civilization may not come to a stop if the government isn’t there, but it will come to a screeching, fiery halt if the supply of booze slows to a trickle.  No reports of mobs with torches and pitchforks have been provided, but I expect to see them any day.
• From the “Buzz Kill” Department – A Goodwill store in Kansas reports that someone accidentally put some marijuana in with a recent donation.  Somewhere in Kansas, a stoner is walking around wondering what happened to his bean bag, his “Dark Side of the Moon” glow-in-the-dark poster, and his stash.
• From the “Have you met my brother-in-law?” Department – Canadian scientists are claiming to have found genetic proof that early homo sapiens interbred with Neandertal populations they found when they walked out of Africa.  For those of you who have met me or my kids, this should come as no surprise.  I can proudly say that I am the third generation of my family to walk upright, but there are some scars and callouses on my knuckles.
• From the “Are you bloody kidding me?” Department – The National Institutes for Health is under fire over a 2009 report that correlated the size of a gay man’s penis with his preferences in the bedroom. I won’t go into detail here, but government money was used to correlate and publish data over whether a gay man was more likely to be a pitcher or catcher based on some of his attributes.   I’m not going to make a witty observance here.  I’m in awe of the bad taste, fiscal   irresponsibility, and the fact that they actually filled out that grant request.

• From the “Play Stupid Games” Department – A man dancing around a blowhole in Hawaii was swept into the hole by a wave and has not been found.  Officials are restating the truism that you’re on your own when you mess with Mother Nature, red of tooth and claw.  Guys, if you think it’s a good idea to do a hippie dance around the upper hole of a sea cave, then I leave you to your destiny.  Some of us were meant to grow old and have grandkids. Some were meant to be fish food.  It’s your choice.
• From the “My Client Is An Idiot” Department – A woman in Kentucky was arrested after charging at the judge in her divorce hearing.  She had just been given 10 days in jail for being disruptive in court, and I guess she decided to go big or go home.  Thankfully, she didn’t get to the judge, having tripped over a railing and getting body slammed by police before she could get to spitting distance.  Nothing helps your divorce case like trying to assault the person who is going to decide who gets the Hank Jr. commemorative plate set.
• From the “Big Brass Ones” Department – The Russian government has pledged to find the perpetrators of a campaign of fake movie posters that portray Prime Minister Vladimir Putin as a KGB agent.  Of course, he was a KGB agent, and I’m sure he did something while at that job.  You know, like try to suppress most of Eastern Europe, plot the invasion and overthrow of western democracies, and try to keep the horrendous conditions of Soviet citizens’ lives a secret.  I fear for the people who put these posters up though.  They can rename Dzerzhinsky Square as much as they want to, but the Lubyanka still has a basement, and last time I checked, it hadn’t been turned back into an insurance agency.
• From the “Business As Usual” Department – The Chicago police department is preparing for a massive influx of protesters at next spring’s G-8 conference.  They plan on training thousands of officers in mass arrests and crowd control in anticipation of large groups of people breaking into businesses, destroying or grabbing whatever they can find, and generally making a nuisance of themselves.  And the protesters for the conference will just add to what has become a normal day on the beat for Chicago’s finest.

• From the “Snausages” Department – A woman in California has been arrested after drugging her husband, tying him up, cutting off his male member with a kitchen knife, and throwing it into the garbage disposal.  She may have found something worse than divorce for dismembering a husband.  Remember guys, even if they don’t kill you, they can make you wish for death.  Keep your wife happy.
• From the “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along” Department – Rodney King has gotten himself arrested for drunken driving again.  You all remember Rodney, don’t you?  He’s that fun loving kid who got his ass beat pretty horrifically by the police after driving drunk in 1991.  The acquittal of the police officers who beat him in 1992 sparked massive rioting and looting in Los Angeles.  I’m not defending the police here, but if King’s mom and dad had raised him right, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.  Maybe if they’d smacked him a few times for acting like he does, he wouldn’t have gotten smacked by the LAPD, then we wouldn’t have had all those problems.
• From the “Let’s Name Her Coleman” Department – A lady in Kansas gave birth in a tent when she went camping when she was 39 weeks pregnant.  She claims her doctor told her she would not go into labor that weekend, and thought a few nights in the woods was just what she needed to get ready for a C-section.  Ma’am, I’m not going to call you a fool, but you’re an idiot.  It’s the hottest part of the summer, you’re as big as a house, and you thought that sleeping in a tent for the weekend was a good idea?   You have another child, so you must know that they tend to do things at the darndest times and in the darndest places.  Thankfully, both you and the child seem to be OK. In this case, stupidity didn’t turn into tragedy.
• From the “Kabuki and Other Forms of Theater” Department – A lawmaker wants something done about the state of airport security in the United States.  Apparently there have been about 25,000 security incidents at American airports since late 2001, and dadgummit, there oughta be a law!  No word on whether his proposed reforms entail disassembling the TSA, actively profiling and checking on the people who use our airports, including the people who work there, and leaving little kids and grandmothers alone.  Of course, the TSA is squealing like a pig with his testicles caught in a fence.  Nothing tells me a bureaucracy is ready for reform than when it reacts emotionally to the thought of being reformed.
• From the “Just How Big Was That Cup” Department – Someone dropped a cup of orange soda off of a highway overpass in Pennsylvania, and it smashed through the windshield of a police vehicle.  Thankfully the officer wasn’t harmed.  Something tells me he’s never going to get that sicky-sweet citrusy smell out of his car though.  I also would like to thank McDonalds for their new 55 gallon size Coke.  There’s nothing better than buying a soda in Louisville and having enough Coke Zero to get you through to Denver.

Supreme Court Justice Ginsberg has said she plans to stay on the Court as long as her health allows it.  From her lips to God’s ear, as my grandmother used to say.  I’d like her to stay on until at least February of 2013 so the next president can appoint her successor.

The U.S. military is reporting that Iran is providing support to terrorist organizations in Iraq.  They also report that water is wet, it gets hot in the desert in July, and that the sun rose in the east this morning.  Are we actually paying for this hard charging intelligence work?

Venezuelan strongman and former street clown Hugo Chavez has admitted that a cancerous growth was removed from his body a few weeks ago in Havana.  No word yet on his overall condition and what kind of cancer it was.  We here at DaddyBear’s Den wish Mr. Chavez a speedy recovery so he can return to his job of watching for the plane for Mr. Rourke.

Maria Shriver has filed for divorce from her husband Arnold Schwarzenegger after the Governator admitted fathering a child with one of the household staff.  I feel for Arnold.  I didn’t mess around on my wife, but divorces suck no matter what.  Of course, he’s got a lot more to lose than I did.  It’s going to hurt a heck of a lot more to write a check for several million dollars to his ex than it did for me to write one for $143.50 to mine.  No word yet on whether Arnold will be moving into a small apartment or a condo, or when he will be hitting Bed Bath and Beyond to furnish it.

Haven’t done one of these in a while, so let’s have some fun:

From the “Fashion Police” Section – A leader of an Afghan terrorist organization was caught recently while dressed as a woman.  Reports are that this is a common occurrence.  My guess is that he was captured because no woman would wear a navy blue burqa with tan boots.  Guys, our fashion sense just isn’t good enough to pull this off.
From the “Animal Commerce” Section – A group of scientists at Yale University are studying whether pictures of a female monkey or an alpha male attracts them more from one type of food or another.  I’d love to see the write-up for that grant.  “We would like to see if male monkeys would rather eat food that’s advertised using pictures of sexy females or the food that’s advertised with pictures of the monkey Marlboro man.”
From the “That’s Funny, Ours Can Reach Tehran from Minot” Department – An Iranian official has admitted that Iran’s missile forces, including the Shahab-3 and Sajjil, can reach Israel and U.S. assets in the Middle East, and they have the ability to build missiles that go much further.  Dude, you don’t want to get into a pissing-for-distance contest with the U.S. over whose missiles have the longest reach.  SAC had perfected ways to hit targets in that neck of the woods before this guy was a twinkle in his father’s goat’s eye.
From the “Need More Bullets” Department – The latest in a rash of smash and grab mob attacks struck a store in Atlanta on Tuesday morning.  My guess is that the store was closed in this occurrence, but other attacks have happened while stores are manned and taking care of customers.  My recipe for taking care of this problem is a castle doctrine, steady firing position, good sight picture and alignment, breath control, and trigger squeeze.  You can’t tell me that this kind of crap would go on when people started getting shot while flash-mob-robbing the Banana Republic.  Some will argue that a shirt isn’t worth killing someone over, but I’ll retort by saying that a shirt isn’t worth dieing over.
Finally, from the “Need More Crazy Glue” Department – A hotel in Austin, Texas, has announced that it will be replacing over 1000 glass panels after several of the existing panels fell and broke on Monday.  My guess is that they need to move their adhesive up from chewing gum and duct tape to Gorilla Glue.