• From the “Peaceful Movement, My Aunt Tillie” Department – Two men in San Fransisco are learning just how warm and cuddly members of the Occupy movement really are.  You see, one of them has a telephone number that used to be used by a police officer and the other lives in an apartment that used to be rented by that police officer.  The officer in question has been fingered by Occupy activists as being the one who fired the tear gas grenade that injured a veteran at a protest in Oakland recently, and information about him has been posted on several websites.  Harassing and threatening calls have been so bad that the number has been disconnected and the police have been contacted.  Oh, and if you’re playing the home game, you’ll notice the “harass police and threaten their families” check box has been activated.  I certainly hope that these ‘peaceful’ people don’t start harassing or harming the families of police officers.  That would get really bloody really quick, and I’m not talking about the targeted families.
•  From the “DIY Dentistry” Department – An Australian company has come up with a kit that would allow someone in a remote location, such as a soldier in the field or a hiker, to do temporary repairs to damaged teeth.  From the description, it appears that the user basically puts in a filler material that lasts for a few days while you seek professional help.  Sounds like one or two of these might be going into the emergency kits at Casa de Oso.
• From the “Gaming the System” Department – A man in Utah is in hot water after he admitted to faking being an illegal immigrant in order to avoid a drug dealing charge.  He was arrested for drug trafficking, said he was in the country illegally, got deported, then used his U.S. passport to get back into the country.  Apparently catch and release happens before prison these days.  I’m just surprised he bothered to use a port of entry to get back into the country.
• From the “Hand in the Cookie Jar” Department – A police officer in Boston is in trouble after it came to light that he was frequenting massage parlors while on duty.  Other officers may be implicated, as a former employee of one of the establishments asserts that as many as 30 of them were customers.  But hey, at least they were supporting the local economy.
• From the “My Ancestors” Department – Scientists believe that the Vikings may have used specially carved rocks from Iceland to find the sun behind clouds on castover days, which would have allowed them to navigate on cloudy days.  It might also explain how they ended up migrating to Seattle and North Dakota in a search for a better climate than Norway.  That’s my family, y’all, taking travel directions from a rock.

• From the “Barbarians at the Gate” Department – Security researchers have discovered a new trojan program for MacOS titled “Tsunami”.  Apparently, the malware is a recompiled program adapted from an earlier Linux Trojan.  Those of us who use Macs have a reputation for not getting malware.  Time to prove it.  Be careful where you surf, don’t click on things you can’t identify, and for heaven’s sake, wear a computer condom when surfing adult content.  
• From the “Shocked Face” Department – Another company that got funding for energy research from the Obama administration has filed for bankruptcy.  Now, our energy secretary is supposed to be a smart guy.  Don’t you think he’d have taken a look at how these companies were going to use the money and made good decisions as to whether their technology was more than vaporware?  Then again, maybe the idea was to give gobs of money to everyone, and hope that someone invents the next big thing.  Kind of like a drunk who spends the rent money on lottery tickets.  If he buys enough of them, one of them has to win big!  It’s foolproof!
• From the “This’ll Fix It!” Department – The president, after making the seas flow back and feeding the hungry, has decreed that the FDA is to henceforth ‘fix’ the problem with shortages of drugs.  Apparently telling the agency to make those mean pharmaceutical companies pump out the medicines quicker is the fix to the problems with the current five-year plan.  Lord knows, the pill corporations are just sitting on mountains of finished product and ingredients, and can just add in a 3rd shift at the plant to keep the pipelines full.  And of course they won’t mind losing money on making medicine that the government is about to make them almost give away.  
• From the “Spitting on a Fish” Department – Authorities in Arizona announced that they broke up a drug smuggling ring that was centered around the area between Phoenix and the Mexican border.  This ring works for the gang that “is believed to be responsible for 65 percent of all drugs illegally smuggled into the U.S.”.  Show of hands, people:  How many people have heard about big busts that were supposed to absolutely disrupt the flow of illegal drugs into the country at least once a year since about 1978?  
• From the “Good Start” Department – UNESCO has given the Palestinians a seat at their table, prompting the U.S. delegation to cut off funding for that agency.  I’d say we need to follow that line of reasoning, cut off all funding to the Manhattan Invitational Debate Club, invite the collected potentates, dictators, and kleptocrats to move to Switzerland or wherever their planes run out of fuel, and then sublet that big building in Manhattan towards something more productive, like hog farming.  Another show of hands, people:  How many people here can tell me one thing that we’ve ever gotten out of our involvement with the U.N. that we couldn’t have gotten without them at half the price?  Anyone?

• From the “Torches and Pitchforks” Department – The governor of California is proving that he likes to live in danger.  He has announced a proposal to cut back on retirement benefits for state employees, which will include a two tier system, more contributions from employees, and an increased retirement age.  Look for cell phone footage of death threats and calls for his defenestration from union leaders anytime soon.  Think more “Tehran 1979” than “Occupy Wall Street 2011”.
• From the “Pennies on the Dollar” Department – Negotiators in the European Union have announced a deal where the financial institutions that own Greek bonds will forgive a huge amount of that debt in order to help the Greeks limp along for a few more quarters.  Remember kids, bonds are promises, not assets.   When the bond holder sends a couple of guys around to tell you that you can either take a beating by ‘forgiving’ a part of the debt, or they can knife you and you’ll get nothing and like it, I guess you take the beating.  I just wish they wouldn’t make you smile while they do it.
• From the “Bad Idea” Department – The widow of the man who set dozens of predatory animals loose before committing suicide is telling the Columbus Zoo to return the surviving animals to her care.  Nothing can go wrong here.  The zoo says it has no right to stop her from getting the animals back under current law, so I suppose she’s going to get them. I just hope that the emergency services, schools, and zoo bill her and her husband’s estate for the cost of all this, and I hope her neighbors sue her for the distress that having lions, tigers, and bears roaming the neighborhood caused. 
• From the “They May Have A Point” Department – The family of dead Libyan dictator Mo-Q, as he is known to fans of his electronica recordings, plans to sue NATO in the ICC for causing his death.  Their theory seems to be that the legal mandate for NATO intervention said nothing about close air support of ground troops and interdicting convoys of SUV’s, so the attack on Qaddafi was illegal.  Much as it hurts to say, I kind of agree.  The rationale for our involvement was to stop government forces from killing civilians, not to help the opposition win the war.  I don’t think this will go anywhere, but it will be interesting to watch if it does.
• From the “Death From Above” Department – A new Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) project is apparently underway.  The object is to create a small drone that could be carried by a larger drone, then launched as needed.  This would give forces on the ground a small eye-in-the-sky that can be deployed from its mothership, then used as either a surveillance platform or as a mini-smartbomb.  This is all really cool and I hope it comes to fruition, but the only thing that comes to mind is this:  “Yo dog, we heard you like flying drones and killing insurgents, so we put a drone in your drone so you can kill insurgents while you’re killing insurgents!”.  I know, I feel dirty too, and I’m sorry.

•  From the “UXO” Department – Authorities in North Carolina are searching an area for World War II era bombs after a 500 pound concrete-filled bomb was found in some woods.  A local company made bombs for the government in the 1940’s, so that may be the source for the ordnance.  Lots of us are going to the woods this fall.  Remember, if you didn’t drop it, don’t pick it up.  Yeah, that blockbuster bomb might make a heck of a grill, but you might get a surprise when you try to open it up.  But if you do decide to utilize a surplus bomb as a grill, a crib, or a coffin, remember to cut the blue wire first.*
• From the “Nothing Can Go Wrong Here” Department – A company in Silicon Valley has come out with a new twist on programmable home thermostats.  You can control it via a physical interface, and it will ‘learn’ the patterns of your desired temperatures and begin to automatically adjust the temperature of your home.  It also has a network interface, because, really, why the heck not?  Marketing materials assert that you can control it remotely via a smart phone.  Good side of this:  You can adjust the temperature at the house if you forgot to program the thermostat before leaving for a vacation, thus saving a bit of energy and money.  Not so good side of this:  It’ll take about 27 minutes for a script kiddy in South Korea to figure out how to get to these devices, turn your thermostats either way up or way down, and then demand a sizeable ‘donation’ before temporarily releasing control of the temperature of your home.  I’m a geek, but I’m not putting an IP address on anything my home depends on. 
•  From the “No Kidding?” Department – The U.N. is expressing surprise that those who stand up for human rights in areas that have little to no respect for human rights continue to come under attack, as do their families.  Shocked, yes shocked, I am that such a thing happens!  Imagine that, despotic dictators who place no value on the lives of others would attack people who point out that they are oppressing their people.  Maybe if these human rights workers put a little more stock in a person’s right to self defense, especially their own, maybe they wouldn’t be such a soft target.
• From the “Whodunit?” Department – Several Japanese defense contractors, including a company that makes Patriot missiles, have been compromised by a virus and have lost control of critical product data.  This includes data on missiles, airplanes, naval vessels, and nuclear reactors.  Apparently one of the vectors for the penetration was a trade group the companies belonged to, which had lax computer security standards.  No-one is saying who they believe was behind the breaches, but I have a few theories.  I mean, how many large, technologically advanced, wealthy, powerful countries that might be interested in how Japan might fight a war and what weapons they might use are there in that region?  I know, it’s a conundrum.

*After cutting the black wire and turning the detonator three times counter clockwise, using non-conducting snippers.

• From the “Moon Rocks – The New Scourge” Department – An elderly lady in California was arrested recently by investigators from NASA for the high crime of owning a speck of moon rock.  Her story is that an astronaut gave it to her family, while NASA maintains that no-one but NASA and those they deem worthy may own a piece of the moon.  As has sadly become the norm, the tactics used to retrieve the celestial pebble and arrest this dastardly criminal of a kindly old lady were pretty heavy handed.  I just hope that if NASA has a SWAT team, they’re armed with something more exciting than shotguns.  If I’m going to pay for space explorers to be armed, I want it to be something that Marvin the Martian would approve of.
• From the “Fail!” Department – Four men in New York failed the victim selection process the other day when they tried to rob an off-duty police detective with a fake gun.  These geniuses continued their endeavor even after the officer identified himself as police.  Two of the miscreants were wounded after the good officer pulled his own real gun and showed them the difference between lead and airsoft.  I’m glad to hear that the officer is doing well and that all four were eventually arrested.    I would love to be a fly on the wall when these four bluntskulls explain to their fellow convicts why they’re in prison.
• From the “Going a Bit Too Far” Department – The New York City educational system appears to be taking sex ed a little too seriously.  According to recent reporting, the new curriculum, while emphasizing that abstinence is the only way to be 100% certain of not getting pregnant or getting a disease, will also be teaching the little dears about safer ways to have sex.  OK, so far so good.   If the school system is going to teach kids about sex,* then teaching the kids how to keep from bringing unplanned children into the world and catching diseases is good information to give out.  However, it appears that some of their sources also teach about a bit more than the basics.  I run a PG blog here, so I won’t go into too much detail.  Suffice it to say that the textbook and website the school board is supposedly going to use sounds more like an instruction manual for the porn industry than an instrument of higher learning. 
• From the “Doing a Good Thing” Department – The on-line hacktivist group Anonymous recently released a statement detailing how it tracked down and shut down 40 child pornography sites.  They also list the identities of 1500 individuals who logged into these sites, and invite law enforcement to investigate and prosecute them.  Bravo for them.  Apparently even nihilists and vandals have their limits.

• From the “When I See It, I’ll Believe It” Department – The ‘transitional’ government in Libya has promised open and free elections within months.  Something tells me it’ll run along the lines of “one man, one vote, one time” or it’ll be put off indefinitely due to some long-term emergency condition.  
• From the “Simpleton on a Statue” Department – A twit in New York thought he would express his dissatisfaction with the status quo by taking off his jacket, climbing up a piece of statuary, and shouting out a list of demands, which included the resignation of Mayor Bloomberg.  Apparently being a public nuisance is now considered political discourse.  I’m ashamed to say that the NYPD called out the hostage negotiation unit to get him down.  Guys, this is one of the best cases I can see for rubber bullets and beanbag rounds.  Either that or announce to him in front of witnesses that he’s on his own when it comes to liability for any injuries he incurs and then ignore him.
• From the “Rule 4, Dumbass” Department – A Marine reservist who was hiking in Oregon was killed the other day by a hunter who thought he was a bear.  The hunter was clean and sober, but didn’t make sure that his target was indeed a bear.  The article mentions that the victim was wearing dark clothes, but that doesn’t matter.  I read about some grade-A idiot shooting at movement or noise every year, and it almost always ends in tragedy.  All hunters and gun owners are tarred with the same brush over it, and it makes me mad enough to spit.  And no it wasn’t an accident.  When it comes to firearms and hunting safety, there is almost nothing that is an accident.  This was at best negligence, and I hope the hunter who pulled the trigger without knowing what his target was spends the rest of his life in jail.
• From the “Til Death Do Us Part” Department – Archaeologists in Italy have unearthed a pair of skeletons what are holding hands and appear to have been buried with their faces toward each other.  Most will see this as a testament to undying love.  My guess as to the circumstances?  She was cold, wanted some body heat, sucked the life force out of him, then perished herself.  If you look carefully, you can see her cold feet up against his backside.

• From the “Enforcing a Standard” Department – A Muslim student at a high school in Tennessee has quit JROTC after she was told she could not wear a hijab while in uniform.  The girl’s family is working with CAIR to try to get an apology and a change in policy.  Basically, the Army is telling her that regulations say that all religious garb has to be out of sight when worn with a uniform, and it’s pretty much impossible to completely hide a hijab with a uniform hat.  But then again, that’s why it’s called a ‘uniform’.  The young lady needs to learn that the military doesn’t and shouldn’t make exceptions to uniform standards because of whatever religion you choose to follow.  She should choose to either follow AR 670-1 and wear a uniform properly or choose to follow her religion’s requirements for covering her hair and face.  Oh, and by the way, I’ve done my share of pushups because my St. Christoper’s medal came out of the top of my tee shirt. Tuck it in or take it off, then drive on. 
•  From the “YGBSM!?!?!?!” Department – A grown man in California who is getting a government disability check for “a range of conditions — from post-traumatic stress disorder to ADHD to spinal problems to depression”, but is able to dress up like a baby and have someone act like a parent for him and is able to build his own outsized nursery equipment, has had his benefits restored.  The Social Security Administration reviewed his case after he appeared on TV, causing Senator Coburn from Oklahoma to go into fits of outrage that were shared by yours truly.  I’m not sure I can comment on this one due to my utter disgust at not only an adult who wants to be treated like an infant and paid for it, but also at a government that thinks it’s OK to cut him a check.  Personally, I’d like to see a mob of people who are truly disabled but still get to a job every day take this bozo out and beat him with his blankie wrapped around a bar of baby soap.  You know, a baby blanket party.
• From the “Can’t Search This!” Department – 80’s rapper M.C. Hammer has launched a new search engine.  No word yet on whether or not it will optimize for fly haircuts and baggy, shiny pants.

• From the “Again?” Department – A man has been arrested in Texas for disrupting a Southwest Airlines flight.  Initial reports were that he tried to break into the cockpit, but the airline and law enforcement assert he only became beligerent, caused a ruckus in a lavatory, and confronted flight crew when they tried to calm him down.  Again, my question is why is this guy not in a full body cast?  Guys, starting a fight on an airplane should be an ugly way to commit suicide, not a way to get on the 11 o’clock news as you’re escorted off the jetway.
• From the “So What Else is New?” Department – Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has accused the Republican minority in the Senate of paralyzing the political process.  He says he can’t work with the Republicans because they have a stated goal of removing President Obama in the next election.  I can’t remember how the process worked in 2003, but I find it hard to believe that Mr. Reid had a problem with the way things worked when his party had a stated goal of unseating President Bush.  Of course, I’m pretty sure these tactics have been taught in political science classes since the Gracchi brothers learned the hard way that rich slobs can make politics very personal.
• From the “Oh My!” Department – A rural Ohio community is on lock down after a local exotic animal preserve owner was found dead with the cages and gates to the facility open. Lions, tigers, bears, and other dangerous predators are feared to be roaming the area.  Local law enforcement and representatives of the Columbus Zoo are trying to either capture or kill the animals before someone gets hurt.  The Tin Man and Scarecrow could not be reached for comment.  Allan Quatermain has been asked to advise on proper ways to bring the lions to heel..
• From the “Nothing to See Here” Department – Five men, reported to be of French-Moroccan descent, have been arrested in Texas after breaking into a courthouse.  Fox News reports that they had travel documents and other things with them that suggests they had visited several other sites in the United States.  I’m sure this is just a silly misunderstanding.  All French-Moroccan tourists want a guided tour of the courthouse in San Antonio.  At 2 AM.  On a Wednesday.  After scoping out other sensitive sites in several other states.  Move along citizen.  Your favorite reality show or variety show is on in a few minutes.

• From the “One Stop Shop” Department – Two men in California have been arrested for immigration, narcotics, and weapons charges after being caught selling drugs and guns out of their hot dog stand.  Tentative names for the business were “Mausers and Meth”, “Weiners and Weapons”, “Sausages and Sigs”, “Brats and Boomsticks”, and “Ma Deuce Au Jus”.  
• From the “Taking It Too Seriously” Department – A school in British Columbia has outlawed bracelets that say “I HEART BOOBIES”, which were being worn to raise awareness of breast cancer.  Officials say that it’s a distraction and could be offensive.  Boy, they’re really going to hate colo-rectal cancer awareness month.
• From the “Walking on Water” Department – A surfer in Oregon claims that after a large shark knocked him off of his board, he actually rode the beast for a few seconds.  Although his story is backed up by witnesses, I’m skeptical.  I’ve been related by marriage to quite a few sharks, and I’ve never known any of them to give piggy back rides.
• From the “Snakes in a Van” Department – A man was arrested recently in Georgia for transporting 13 reptiles, including 10 snakes, in his car.  This one I believe.  It’s amazing how many reptilian forms of life I’ve been related to through marriage that needed a ride at one time or another.
• From the “No Kidding?” Department – Researchers in Atlanta have reported an increase in births 9 months after a major snow storm shut down the city.  Let’s see, it’s dark, it’s cold, you’re bored, and you’re stuck at home with your significant other.  Who could have predicted that people might have gotten pregnant?  Heck, if the people in the south didn’t know that, all they would have had to do was ask someone from the Great White North.  We all know that you make babies when you’re snowed in, and deliver them when the leaves change colors.
• From the “Stone Age Gallery” Department – Archeologists in South Africa claim to have found evidence of an early paint factory.  Among the things found were stones used to grind and mix pigments, shells used to hold the paint, and instruments to scoop it up.  No word yet on the amount of jaunty berets, Galois cigarettes, primitive espresso machines, and cheap red wine that was found.