- From the “An Apology” Department – The government of Pakistan has demanded an unconditional apology from the United States before they will re-open the routes though their mountain paradise. I’m game: Dear Pakistan, I wholeheartedly apologize for the fact that my government did not provide more support to Great Britain in the late 1940’s. Had we done so, our British cousins might have been able to keep your third world craphole as a colony, and you all might have had adult leadership for the past 60 years or so, and then we wouldn’t be having this little problem. Now release our supply convoys before we show you what happens when we intentionally drop ordnance on someone.
- From the “Internship Opportunity” Department – The government of Wales has decided to cancel a badger cull to stem the spread of disease in favor of inoculating the little darlings. Any guesses on the difference in cost between the two plans? Also, what lucky son of a gun gets to convince Mr. Badger to trade a needle stick for a GI Joe bandaid and a sugar free lollipop?
- From the “Bad Move” Department – A Texas woman is under arrest after stabbing a man during an argument. Apparently, she decided she had cooked enough meals for him and started throwing things out into the yard during the ensuing argument. The man then threatened to cut off her pony tail if she didn’t stop, after which she cut the phone line and stabbed him in the hand. Gentlemen, this guy made a lot of blunders here. First of all, when she says she’s tired of cooking, don’t argue; put on an apron and get to work. Second, when she starts throwing things into the yard, don’t threaten to cut off her hair, go out and clean up the mess. And last, when she grabs a knife and cuts the phone line, it’s time to try for a new personal best in the “front door to car door” sprint.
All posts in category news
News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on March 21, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/03/21/news-roundup-13/
News Roundup
- From the “No Justice” Department – Researchers are reporting that some women experience sexual arousal and possibly even orgasm while exercising. This is so unfair. When I’m working out, I feel pain, strain, sweat, and fatigue. In other words, it’s the absolute opposite of sexual for me. I work out because it’s good for me, not because it’s enjoyable. Of course, this might explain why the young lady who teaches the aerobics class at the Y is so perky and cheerful.
- From the “Mark of the Geek” Department – Nokia is patenting technology that would allow users of their phones to use a special magnetic tattoo to sense when their phones are ringing or when a new message arrives. Of course, this would only be useful for as long as it takes for the next big thing to come along, so eventually it’ll be a “Grandma, what’s that on your wrist?” object, to go with the tattoo of a snake and a rose on the lower back. I think I’ll pass and stay with that tried and true technology known as “ringing” or “buzzing” and if those fail, I have a backup called “voicemail”. Seems to work OK without having to go under the needle.
- From the “Mal Hombre” Department – A six year old girl here in Louisville was rescued the other night when her 10 year old brother ran back into a burning house to get her. Both were burned, but are out of the hospital and doing OK. The young girl was able to answer a few questions, but the boy seems to have been limited a simple statement. Any further talk with him was interrupted by the sound of big brass objects ringing together when he walked.
- From the “No Soup For You!” Department – The city of New York has decreed that donated food can no longer be accepted at homeless shelters run by the city. Their concern seems to be that the food fed to the less fortunate may not meet the stringent nutritional guidelines of the Bloomberg administration if it includes food that isn’t provided by the city. Donated food from religious groups or restaurants can’t be assessed for salt, fiber, and fat content, so it is not to be given to those who cannot provide for themselves. So I guess it’s better for the poor to eat the food that’s given to them by the government than that which is given by other citizens.
- From the “Alrighty Then!” Department – A man in Iowa was arrested recently. At the time, he was naked and claimed that he had been forced to hold a nuclear bomb at his home. People, alcohol is a gift from heaven, but let this be a warning about what can happen when you over-imbibe. Sometimes all you get are embarrassing pictures of you in front of the porcelain altar, sometimes you end up with an arrest record with the words “public nudity” and “nuclear weapon” in it.
Posted by daddybear71 on March 20, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/03/20/news-roundup-14/
News Roundup
- From the “Ouch” Department – A woman in California recently gave birth to a healthy 13 pound baby boy. Before you ladies cross your legs, it was a Caesarian. Reports are that the lad didn’t fit in any of his baby clothes, so mom and dad get to go out and go shopping immediately. All I can say is “I feel your pain”. Boo wasn’t that big at birth, but he passed up 13 pounds early and fast. Is it just me, or are there a lot of reports of abnormally large newborns lately?
- From the “Cute and Cuddly” Department – An aging gorilla at the zoo in Erie, Pennsylvania, has latched onto the pet rabbit her keepers gave her to keep her company. The gorilla is sharing space, food, and attention with the rabbit, which is a good sign. I was surprised to learn that no-one named George or Lennie was involved in this story.
- From the “Thieves in the Night” Department – A group of men claiming to be police robbed a home in Arizona on Sunday. They disabled the porch lighting of the home, banged on the door, shouted “Police!”, and robbed the couple who lived there when they opened the door. And people wonder why no-knock raids are such a bad idea. If the criminals are forcing their way in shouting “Police!”, how are we supposed to know it’s legitimate when the police themselves do it? Wait to see if they shoot the dog?
- From the “Knock in the Night” Department – The police chief of Berkeley, California, just kicked things up a notch in the “Constitution? Never hoid of it!” debate. He took umbrage at what someone wrote in the local fishwrap, so he called up a police sergeant and had him go over to the reporter’s home for a little chat. Nothing intimidating about that, is there? I mean, it’s not like he sent an armed government authority figure with the perceived power to kill someone in the name of officer safety to discuss the contents of a published newspaper article or anything. Of course, once the sun came up and his actions were brought to light, he played the “Who me? Oh gosh, I guess that was insensitive” card. I guess Mr. Meehan needs to read up on his local history a bit.
Posted by daddybear71 on March 12, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/03/12/news-roundup-15/
Lamp Post, Rope – Some Assembly Acquired
A male homo sapien* from New Jersey was arrested in Henryville, Indiana, on Wednesday and is going to be charged with burglary. The facts of the case seem to be that this primate, who isn’t from the area and has no connection to Henryville, was cutting out the copper wiring from homes that were destroyed by the tornadoes that hit the area on Friday. When neighbors confronted him and called the police, he ran off and and hid in the woods. According to news reports, his excuse was that he was gathering up the copper so that it could be kept away from scavengers.
Please forgive me if I don’t buy it.
I’m not advocating extra-judicial lynchings of looters, but I wouldn’t shed a tear if someone who is looting is turned into the police in less than showroom condition.
I make a judgement call when it comes to people who take things from rubble. If you’re taking the necessities of life, such as food, medicine, water, or clothing, so that you or others can live, that’s not looting to me. Maybe it can be taken too far, and sometimes it can be outright thievery if you’re taking things that you can tell belong to and are being used by others, but if you’re going into the ruins to find a loaf of bread for your kids, I won’t condemn you.
Looters on the other hand, I have no sympathy for. Those who take advantage of bad situations to personally profit by stealing non-essentials like painkillers, recyclable metals, money, or high-dollar items should be given a quick trial and a quicker punishment. Maybe we’re beyond the use of lampposts and hemp to correct the issue, but I would see nothing wrong with someone who’s been caught stealing copper from the ruins of someone’s home being chained with similar pieces of human garbage and forced to work off their debt to society clearing out the stuff the tornado left behind.
In the event that this scum is found guilty, I hope he’s sent to the worst prison that Indiana has for as long as the law provides. In the meantime, I hope that the fact that the people of Indiana and Kentucky won’t stand for this nonsense gets through to others who might have the same idea.
*I refuse to call this bad example of our shared gene pool a man.
Posted by daddybear71 on March 8, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/03/08/lamp-post-rope-some-assembly-acquired/
News Roundup
- From the “Oh, How Sad” Department – Users of denial of service tools provided by the Anonymous group seem to have gotten more than they bargained for. Apparently in addition to their tools to fight against the man or something, they also got the Zeus botnet, which can be used to steal their personal data. Excuse me while I feel absolutely no sympathy. This is kind of like when I heard that the girl who broke up with me in high school caught a social disease from the guy she hooked up with next.
- From the “Why would he do that?” Department – John Edwards, pretty boy, philanderer, and accused felon, has asked that the courts not destroy the sex tape he made with his girlfriend while his wife was dieing of cancer. The girlfriend, who later had a daughter with Mr. Edwards, also while his wife was dieing of cancer, won the tape back from a former business associate in a lawsuit, and the tape is scheduled to be destroyed in the next few weeks. I’m scratching my head on this one. Why would you want to have video proof that you were banging the videographer from your campaign staff while your wife was dieing slowly? Then again, we already know the guy is a total hairball, so a sex tape couldn’t possibly do further damage to his reputation as a husband and human being.
- From the “And the Horse You Rode In On” Department – The Department of Education informed schools in New York City that students who enter the military after high school aren’t worth as much as students who go on to college when schools are graded. I think you can figure out how I feel on this issue. Let’s leave the emotional issue of patriotism and the value of service to the country aside for the moment. I’m too tired to rant at the moment, so I’ll try to be rational about this. I would be curious to see the percentage of students who left high school four years ago, went straight into college, and graduated on-time with a four year degree. Then let’s see the percentage of students who joined the military straight out of high school, competed their initial and follow on training, and finished their first enlistment successfully. I wouldn’t be surprised if the successful percentage on the military side wasn’t higher than the college bound group’s successful percentage. Then we can compare the actual employable skills, level of personal debt, and criminal records of the students who went into college against those of the students who went into the military. In closing, I’d like to say that the Department of Education can suck the 30+ college credits I got for my military training, above and beyond the college classes I took while in uniform.
- From the “Qel Surpris” Department – Vladimir Putin is projected to have won the presidential election in Russia. If you’re surprised by this, I believe there’s a man in Manhattan who would like to sell you a bridge. Of course, reports of election irregularities are popping up. To be honest, I have to say to the opposition in Russia that if they want a clean election, they’re going to have to do something with one of the other three boxes before they can expect good results from the ballot box. In a mark of progress in Russia, it should be noted that the opposition candidates all survived to see election day.
- From the “Going to Hell on a Scholarship” Department – A pair of thieves in Texas are wanted for stealing cookie money from a group of Girl Scouts and then injuring one of the girls with their getaway car. I think it would be ironic if, after they are caught and convicted, they are put in a cell with a big Samoan guy who likes to play Tagalong with his Thin Mint, if you know what I mean.
Posted by daddybear71 on March 4, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/03/04/news-roundup-16/
News Roundup
- From the “Dumbass” Department – A man in New York is in trouble after a video of him shooting a gun showed up on Facebook, which appears to be a no-no for someone on parole. I have issues with the “no guns for life” rule for felons, and if you want to put videos of yourself shooting on-line, more power to you. But if you’re on parole or probation or some other kind of “you screwed up and the government gets to supervise your life for a while” program and the judge says don’t touch guns, then don’t touch guns. Remember, if you’re going to do something stupid, don’t do it in front of a camera.
- From the “What’s in a Name?” Department – A young lady in Sweden has succeeded in convincing the name registration office to change her name from ‘Quila’ to ‘Tequila’. Apparently her parents had to use the shortened version when their original name was turned down. My guess is they really liked drinking fermented cactus juice at about the time she was born. I can sympathize with that. You want your child’s name to remind you of good times. If I’d followed that model, Junior would be named Thor, Little Bear would have been named Jack, Girlie Bear would have been known as Modela, and Boo would be named Woodford. At least one child in my family would have been named Hamms or Pabst, or maybe even David. Thinking about this, naming a boy MadDog would be pretty kickass, but a little sad.
- From the “Nothing Good Happens After Midnight” Department – A man in Florida was arrested after he drove his van over someone else’s car. Since it happened at 5:05 AM and a crowd of people was there to encourage him, I’m pretty sure alcohol was involved. Now, I’ve been up until 5 AM drinking before, so I’m not going to judge, (Actual quote – We better stop drinking. We’ve got morning formation in an hour), but if you’re still making a habit of it at 40, you might want to consider getting a sponsor.
- From the “Crop Dusting” Department – A couple in New York were surprised to have their yard, deck, and bodies sprinkled with sewage from an airplane overhead. For those of you who believe in omens, this is not considered a sign of good luck. The worst part of it, outside of having to scrub their entire bodies with Pine-Sol and a Brillo pad, is that they’re going to have areas in the lawn that grow much quicker than others. No-one likes a spotty lawn.
Posted by daddybear71 on February 29, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/02/29/news-roundup-17/
News Roundup
- From the “Bad Idea” Department – A judge in Georgia recently took his gun out to make a point during a trial. A witness was being uncooperative, and the judge suggested the witness shoot her lawyer. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm DaddyBear’s Den welcome to the honorable Judge David Barrett, the next bad example to be used ad nauseum by anti-gun organizations. Keeping and recovering our rights is hard enough without giving those who oppose us even more ammunition.
- From the “Grand Theft WASR” Department – A teenager in Florida confessed to stealing an AK-47 clone and some ammunition from a house his mother works at as a housekeeper. His excuse was that he really liked it and he didn’t think his mom would buy one like it for him. The young man probably ought to ask for incarceration, because coming home to his mother would be worse. Better she have a while to cool off and find a new job before she lays into him.
- From the “You Keep Using That Word” Department – The riots in Afghanistan over the disposal of Korans that were being used to send messages by internees at a prison in Afghanistan continue. So far four American soldiers have died, and seven more were wounded Sunday when “demonstrators” threw grenades at a NATO base. Note to reporters and the U.S. government – when the bullets and hand grenades start flying, it’s no longer a demonstration or protest, it’s an attack. The military leadership in Afghanistan and the Obama administration must have fill-in-the-blank forms for apologizing to foreign governments. They issued apologies to Afghanistan, Muslims everywhere, the queen of Sheba, and Abe Vigoda within hours of the incident. No word yet on whether they’ll be apologizing to the families of the soldiers who are killed and wounded when ‘peaceful protesters’ start using deadly force instead of chanted slogans and our government wouldn’t let them return effective fire.
- From the “Welcome Home, Soldier” Department – The military has announced that the remains of the last missing soldier from fighting in Iraq have been identified. SSG Ahmed Kousay Altaie went missing several years ago when he left his units base in Baghdad to visit family and was abducted. No word yet on the circumstances of his death or the recovery of his remains. SSG al-Taie, it’s good to have you back.
Posted by daddybear71 on February 26, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/02/26/news-roundup-18/
News Roundup
- From the “Good For Him” Department – A new police officer in Kingston, New York, did a good job recently by ticketing the illegally parked car of the town’s mayor twice in a week. The mayor admits his fault and seems to not hold a grudge against the officer. For once, I read something about police that didn’t make my blood boil either because of the crime committed or the actions of the police. Will miracles never cease?
- From the “Get a Rope” Department – A policeman in Texas has been suspended and will probably face charges after security cameras recorded him stealing food from a refrigerator in his office. The food taken included energy drinks and 60 pounds of deer sausage. As someone who has had to eat a half-frozen, half-lava vending machine burrito when his lunch was stolen from a communal refrigerator more than once, I support whatever punishment is meted out in this case, up to and including flogging.
- From the “Hanging’s Too Good” Department – A woman in California has admitted to stealing books and other materials from libraries and selling them on-line. As someone who actually uses his library to find and read books (I know, who knew you could do that), I hope she spends her time on probation having to clean the bottom of an active cesspool.
- From the “Qel Surpris” Department – Chelsea Clinton is expected to continue with her cub reporter gig at NBC News. Why should she? How many people do you know with absolutely no journalism experience who get a job on prime time TV with one of the major networks doing human interest stories while reading intro’s and summation paragraphs from a teleprompter and woodenly taking part in chit chat with the anchor? Critics have taken issue with the fluff pieces she’s done, her inability to ask hard questions when doing interviews, her rather flat delivery, and question why she gets this plum job. Let me think here. Maybe it’s because the media loves her mommy and daddy and want to make sure they stay on their good side. Let’s face it, if Ms. Clinton was doing what she was qualified to do, some poor soul currently running the Tilt-a-Whirl somewhere would be out of a job. I look forward to the day when she’s propped up by some Democrat machine or another and runs for office. The debates alone would be worth the price of admission.
Posted by daddybear71 on February 24, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/02/24/news-roundup-19/
News Roundup
- From the “That’ll Work” Department – The Obama administration has announced that its policy towards Syria is to provide humanitarian aid to those who oppose the Assad regime and to seek political consensus with other countries. In the meantime, the Syrian armed forces are showing that D-30 towed artillery, BM-21 multiple rocket launchers, and ZSU-23-4 anti-aircraft guns are much more effective than band aids and MRE’s at influencing the political process when a civilian populace has risen in revolt. I have one word for Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton: Srebrenica. I’m not saying that the United States or NATO should become directly involved, but we should be pushing the Arab League to put boots and tracks on the ground with our logistical and intelligence support.
- From the “Beatdown” Department – A young Saudi man was arrested on Wednesday after becoming violent on a flight from Portland to Houston. He was asked to shut off an electric cigarette, he refused, and the situation spiraled out of control from there. The man was subdued by other passengers, handcuffed, and arrested when the flight returned to Portland. This may not have been his first run-in with the law, but I’ll bet that he preferred the manner in which he was subdued after leading the police on a little chase over the manner in which his adrenaline hyped fellow passengers power slammed him and forced his compliance at 30,000 feet.
- From the “Broken Record” Department – The government of North Korea has decried South Korea hosting a nuclear weapons conference next month as a ‘provocation’, and has threatened dire consequences for the insult of its southern neighbor trying to further the cause of peace and stability. The hermit kingdom also threatened retaliation when South Korea announced that it would be doing some artillery training this week. In related news, North Korea has decried plans to change the recipe for yakisoba in the mess hall at Camp Red Cloud, planned maintenance on several buses in Pusan, and the fact that no-one has called them to see if they would like to go to the United Nations spring sock-hop. All of these came with threats of dire consequences, including nuclear bombardment from the new Kim-Jong-Un model of bazooka, unless the activities are changed and North Korea is given a golden ticket to Mr. Wonka’s factory and a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Fransisco Treat.
- From the “Fricassee” Department – The Pennsylvania lottery commission has decided to retire Gus, a puppet groundhog that has been used to promote the lottery since 2004. In related news, a new cookbook has been put out by the commission titled “Whistlepig – It’s Not Just For February”, which explains what they did with Gus.
- From the “Ghost in the Machine” Department – Scientists at CERN have announced that the experiment last year that seemed to show that neutrinos could travel faster than the speed of light was faulty. Apparently, a loose wire made it appear that the test particle arrived at the target faster than it actually travelled. I, for one, am disappointed that it was just a bad wire. My money was on the flux capacitor needing calibration.
Posted by daddybear71 on February 23, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/02/23/news-roundup-20/
News Roundup
- From the “Maury Povich” Department – A magazine in France is adding evidence to a man’s claim to being Adolf Hitler’s illegitimate son. According to the man, who died several years ago, Hitler had a bit of a fling with his mother in 1918, and he was born the next year. The new evidence includes paintings signed by Hitler that were found in the home of the man’s mother. I know this sounds irrational, but knowing that that genetic pool is still around is a bit disturbing.
- From the “Organic Red Tape” Department – The Obama administration has unveiled plans for the government to start buying more “biobased” products. Since they’re going to be using more renewable, recyclable products, I’m guessing the paperless government revolution is over.
- From the “Goofy” Department – A man was recently arrested at Disney’s California Adventure park after fighting with a security guard. This man will forever be known as the guy who got his ass beat by a mickey mouse security guard.
- From the “Scrappy Nibbles” Department – 200 feral rabbits in Alberta have been captured, neutered or spayed, and released back into the wild. A local animal rights group had complained about an earlier effort to euthanize the animals, who are descendants of pets that were released. No word yet on the impact this will have on local families that need the meat.
- From the “58th State” Department – Vice President Biden’s office recently issued a memo noting that the VP will be visiting “Road Island”. Apparently he be travelling there via Wooostah, Looahvul, and New Yolk.
- From the “Fashion Police” Department – A school district in Arizona has proposed a dress code for teachers that, among other things, restricts the wearing of jeans, sweatsuits, and showing cleavage. After reading that article, am I the only one who has Van Halen running through his head?
- From the “Shrinkage” Department – 30 men and women recently participated in a nude luge event in Germany. Although they were required to wear underwear, gloves, and a helmet, they were otherwise nude. I’d like to make a pithy comment about this, but the mental images I’m getting are either really good or really bad, and they take away my capacity for rational thought.
Posted by daddybear71 on February 21, 2012
https://daddybearsden.com/2012/02/21/news-roundup-21/
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