• From the “Qel Surpis” Department – The U.S. team that has been negotiating with Pakistan over re-opening of land routes to Afghanistan has decided that pissing their lives away in Karachi isn’t worth the effort.  The routes were closed after an incident in 2011 in which 24 Pakistani soldiers were killed by mistake by NATO forces.  My guess is that for once we looked at the price of Pakistan’s friendship and decided that if we have to buy friends, we can get a better deal.
• From the “Sweet Bureaucratic Tears” Department – The Supreme Court has denied an appeal by a former federal employee who was fired for not registering for the draft.  Imagine that, a bureaucrat for the Treasury Department was fired for not following a bureaucratic process that happened to be a law, and the decision sticks.  I, for one, look forward to the flood of bureaucrats who get to taste a little of what they’ve been dishing up.  I particularly look forward to watching IRS employees stand in line to set up appointments for a consultation on their appeal of a bureaucratic decision to have their backyard declared a wetland.
• From the “Better Than Harsh Language” Department – A woman in Texas got lucky the other day when the police arrived just as she started shooting a burglar. She got lucky because she was shooting him with a paintball gun.  Luckily for her, after she shot the intruder four times, he turned yellow and just waited for the police to take him away.
• From the “No Kidding” Department – Hosni Mubarak, the deposed dictator of Egypt, has stated that the new government is trying to kill him now that he is in prison. Hosni, my son, you get the DaddyBear Medal of Obviousness this week.  You spent 30+ years running a brutal dictatorship,and when you were overthrown by a new brutal dictatorship they didn’t just put you up against a wall and use you to make a modern art masterpiece.  Count your blessings.  At least this way you will die on a pillow.
• From the “Oops” Department – The British Prime Minister is a bit red in the face after forgetting his 8-year-old daughter at a pub over the weekend.  Apparently the leader of the nanny state forgot that the nanny wasn’t along on his jaunt to the country.  There is a silver lining here, though.  By the time Mr. Cameron had realized his mistake and returned, the young lady had moved up from dishwasher to pulling pints for the patrons, and was working on opening her own place next door.  If she keeps this up, her industriousness will be a political liability to her father, and she’ll have to either go back to depending on the welfare state or emigrate in order to utilize her skills.

• From the “Multitasking” Department – A woman in St. Louis was arrested for shoplifting cosmetics in a Walmart and carrying around a soda bottle full of the fixings for methamphetamine.  Basically, she was walking around a department store with a hazmat situation in her purse.  Because, you know, when you’re tweaking on your own fine homemade meth, you want to look good.  The only thing that was missing from this story was her leaving a baby loose in a stolen car in the parking lot with the windows rolled up.
• From the “I’m Still Available” Department – The speculation about who Mitt Romney will choose as his running mate has started getting into gear.  Front runners appear to be Senator Marco Rubio of Florida and Senator Rob Portman of Ohio.  I really can’t think of anyone I’d like to be vice president whose initials aren’t “DB”, but I feel safe predicting that the VP candidate will be a Republican.
• From the “Tenuous Tenure” Department – A University of Georgia professor was recently arrested for prostitution.  While I’m sure that some university professors utilize the services of soiled doves on a regular basis, in this case, the professor was a supplier, not a consumer.  He called himself Sasha and was wearing a fishnet body stocking when he was arrested.  I’d like to make a snarky comment on this, but my mind vapor locked after seeing the mug shot and imagining him in a fishnet body stocking.  Remember, that which is visualized cannot be un-visualized.
• From the “Mother of the Year” Department – A woman in Texas has been arrested for child endangerment after her daughter ate a sandwich laced with PCP.  Her teachers noticed she was acting strangely after lunch, and CPS was eventually called in.  Here’s hoping this woman spends a long time in a bad place over this.  PCP is one of those drugs that makes even my “legalize and tax it” skin crawl.
• From the “Big Weasel” Department – A woman working at a zoo in Germany has been hospitalized after being attacked by a six foot long giant otter.  Several other workers were also injured as they tried to rescue the woman.  Here’s hoping they all recover quickly and cleanly.  I have to say that I’m not sure how I would do if a six foot long otter tried to take a chunk out of me.  I certainly hope that I’d be doing my best to make it into the raw materials for a coat.

• From the “Gruff” Department – Authorities in Connecticut are trying to figure out where four goats found on the roof of a school came from.  Someone needs to tell them that when a daddy goat loves a mommy goat very much, and it’s the daddy goat’s birthday or their anniversary, sometimes they make little goats, and sometimes those little goats grow up to be used as a prop in a pretty good prank.  Honestly, their parents should have taken care of this years ago.
• From the “Demolition Derby in Diapers” Department – A two-year-old girl in North Carolina was unharmed after flipping her families SUV.  Her parents were asleep at the time, and the little girl apparently found the keys and decided she was going to get her own darn ice cream from the store.  No word yet from NASCAR, but rumor has it that one of the major racing teams is going to offer her a scholarship to preschool.
• From the “Integration” Department – Swan keepers in England are scrambling to catch a black Australian swan and are looking to see it has a mate.  Worries are that it might harm local cygnets as they hatch out, and a pair might generate a population of foreign wildlife in England’s rather isolated ecosystem.  Just another case of the man trying to keep the black swan down, I guess.
• From the “No Sparkling Allowed” Department – Archaeologists in Romania are reporting that about a hundred corpses, some of whom died as recently as a century ago, have been found buried with iron rods driven through their chests.  The practice seems to be an effort to make sure that evil people did not return to stalk the land as Nosferatu.  That’s funny, I didn’t know my first wife was Romanian, but I distinctly remember her trying to impale me with a crowbar once upon a nightmare.
• From the “Drippy” Department – The founder’s effect of misuse of antibiotics marches on, as public health officials announce that the world is down to one antibiotic to treat gonorrhea.  For those of you keeping score, that’s mother nature 1, modern science 0.  For those of you who still enjoy the freedom to sleep with whomever you choose, please remember what Captain Condom told us in 1988:  Wrap that rascal!  An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and it just might keep your schwanz from running like a faucet and save your female reproductive organs from becoming vestigial.

• From the “Justice” Department – A federal jury has found a soldier guilty of plotting to bomb his fellow soldiers and then kill any survivors.  PFC Naser Abdo was AWOL from his unit at Fort Campbell, Kentucky, when he was arrested in Killeen, Texas.  His plan was to put a bomb in a crowded restaurant and then shoot anyone who escaped the blast.  Abdo had applied for conscientious objector status because he believed that his Muslim faith would prevent him from being a soldier.  He was later charged with possession of child pornography and then ran from Fort Campbell on his way to Fort Hood.  Since he’s been captured, he’s been spitting blood and other body fluids at guards and claiming that he has HIV, necessitating the need to wear a mask in court.  I say he got off easy, and I hope he spends a long time staring at concrete walls.  He’s lucky he wasn’t given to the military for a court-martial.

• From the “Yeehaw!” Department – President Obama recently took aim at his opponent, Mitt Romney, in a speech in Iowa.  He invoked such rustic images as “cowpies” and “prairie fires”.  As a proud son of the northern prairie, I now have a new low in my respect for a man whose only prior experience with cows was when he stopped to take a piss at an Arby’s.*  This is the Democrat version of Romney trying to connect with Southern voters by saying he liked grits.  Do these people really think we’re that stupid?

• From the “Good for Them” Department – The Ukrainian parliament shut down recently after a brawl between its members over a bill that would allow ethnic Russians to speak Russian when dealing with the government.  I hate to see that someone got hurt and that there is strife in a semi-ally like the Ukraine, but it’s probably for the best that their government is in gridlock.  Imagine how much better our lives would be if our government really deadlocked every so often and couldn’t pass new laws.

• From the “Follow-Up” Department – A few days ago, I commented on an auction that included a vial of President Reagan’s blood.  The auction house that had the vial has donated it to the Reagan Foundation, which pledges to keep it out of the public’s hands.  I think that’s the best course of action.  Who knows what evil libertarian scientist would have gotten hold of it and cloned an army of Reagans. We would have had chaos in the streets as they encouraged people to be proud of their country and to be responsible for themselves.  Imagine the horror!

• From the “Lawndart” Department – A British man has survived dropping 2,400 feet from a helicopter without a parachute.  However, he did have a wing suit, which allowed him to do a flying squirrel imitation and land gently.  When asked for comment, all he could exclaim was “Hokey Smoke!“

• From the “Cute Animal” Department – A penguin that has been missing for two months in Tokyo has been returned to his home.  No word on where the prodigal penguin has been, but reports are that he was found with several new tattoos in badly spelled English and a shirt that read “I visited the Ginza and all I got was this lousy tee shirt”.

*Yes, I stole that joke from George Carlin.

• From the “Up Up And Away” Department – The SpaceX Falcon 9 spacecraft has launched and is on its way to the International Space Station.  Congratulations to SpaceX on getting something off the ground.  I hope that my grandchildren will look at space travel the same way that we look at intercontinental travel now.  Of course, that’s what my grandparents hoped too, but this is definite progress.
• From the “Holes in the Desert” Department – Two men are being held by police after being accused of robbing people at a Las Vegas casino.  Besides the stupidity of trying to take money away from the people who own casinos in Vegas, these guys need to learn that the chips they tried to steal would probably have been deactivated and worthless by the time they hit the sidewalk, had they been successful.  Who’s got the over and under on whether these guys meet with a regrettable automotive accident the next time they try to start their cars?
• From the “Creepy” Department – A vial of President Reagan’s blood, taken after the 1981 assassination attempt, is up for auction.  The seller tried to sell it to the Reagan Library and several government agencies, but was unsuccessful. Know what’s creepier?  The bidding is up to almost $10,000.  I’m a fan of Ronaldus Maximus, but do you really need a 30-year-old blood sample for your scrapbook?
• From the “Aw Hell” Department – A man in California has been arrested after police found that the squirt gun he was carrying had been modified into a single shot shotgun.  The police are talking about how alarming it is that you can use a few dollars worth of hardware to make a zip gun.  If they’re surprised by that, they ought to talk to anyone who works as a guard at a prison.  The improvised weapons I’ve heard about are quite ingenious.  Expect calls for licensing squirt guns and using an FFL to buy a squirt gun across state lines in 3…2…1
• From the “Only Minutes Away” Department – A 911 dipatcher in Washington was asleep at the switch recently when a woman called to report that her husband was having trouble breathing.  Eventually, another dispatcher got on the line and assisted the woman.  Now change that situation to read “Called to report that someone was trying to break into her home” and you’ll understand why I make sure that Irish Woman knows how to get to the guns and how to use them.  It’s bozos like this that make the people who are actually trying to be a service to society look like crap.  Hopefully he’s fired and finds a new career in the all-night gas station service industry.

• From the “Property Rights or Just A Jerk?” Department – A man in Texas is being investigated for pointing a handgun at a helicopter that was preparing to land on his ranch.  The pilot believed he was landing on a National Guard training area, and landed after the accused pointed a gun at him and his passenger.  My take – This guy messed up.  Unless the pilot was using the tail rotor to try to kill him or damage his property, he wasn’t justified in drawing his pistol, his land or no.  Additionally, if he’s not the best pistol shot in the world, hitting a helicopter or its occupants with a pistol shot is a matter of extreme luck.  If you’re going to threaten a chopper, you’re going to need something a bit longer and heavier.

• From the “Bill of Attainder” Department – Senator Chuck Schumer of New York and Bob Casey of Pennsylvania are proposing a bill that would charge rich Americans who renounce their citizenship to avoid paying high tax rates double the going rate.  I think if you’re punitively taxing someone who is trying to avoid our already punitive taxes, you’re kind of missing the point.  How about this:  The salaries of Senators and Congressmen should be taxed at double either the corporate tax rate or highest personal income tax rate, whichever is greater.  That alone might convince them to cut tax rates.

• From the “I’ve Been There” Department – A man in Russia had to be rescued from his building’s garbage chute after trying to use it to hide from his girlfriend.  That’s funny, I thought my ex’s family was from Poland, not Russia.  I’m not admitting anything, but one of my favorite places on earth used to be a rock shelf that was on the opposite side of the mountain above our home in Arizona.  Yes, I was basically baking myself in a huge solar oven, but at least it was quiet.

• From the “Slow and Steady” Department – The shell and skull of a huge turtle has been found in a coal mine in Colombia.  The shell measures 172cm, which is about as big as Girlie Bear.  Due to the size of the skull and its jaw, scientists believe the turtle was capable of eating anything that lived in its environment, including crocodiles. So basically, we’re looking at an 8 foot long snapping turtle.  Those of you who’ve ever had a snapper come after you, hopefully missing, can imagine what that looked like.  I’m just wondering what steaks from an 8 foot long turtle tasted like.

• From the “Preventable Condition” Department – A man in Tennessee, who has fathered 30 children with 11 women, is asking the state to help him pay his child support.  The state is currently taking half of his pay for child support.  To this guy, as a man who has paid child support, all I can is this:  My heart bleeds purple panther piss for you, you irresponsible jerk.  Don’t come whining to me about how hard it is to pay to feed all 30 of your children when condoms are cheap and vasectomies are affordable.  To tell you the truth, we’d all be better off if someone had given your father the same advice about 35 years ago.  Get off your butt, get a couple more minimum wage jobs, and take responsiblity for yourself, you waste of of an ovum.  Either that or do your kids a favor and walk in front of a speeding train.

• From the “Get Thee To A Physician” Department – The CDC is urging all Americans born between 1945 and 1965 to get tested for hepatitis C.  Apparently HepC was running rampant among young adults during the 1970’s and 1980’s, and baby boomers might be walking around with the infection of the liver without knowing about it.  Getting tested would allow those afflicted with hepatitis to get treated.  I urge any of y’all who fit that description to get tested.  I need every reader I can get, and sclerosis and liver cancer are ugly ways to go when they can be treated if caught early.

Am I wrong because when I heard the nice lady on the TV news talking about this say:

“It is unknown why the police officer shot the woman.”

all that went through my mind was “Good sight picture, good sight alignment”?

• From the “Magic Missile” Department – The EU decided to take a more assertive role in suppression of piracy in the sea near Somalia recently when it conducted air strikes against targets on the coast of Somalia.  I can find no reports on the success of the air strikes, but there are reports that there were no casualties.  I tip my hat to the pilots and gunners in these airstrikes.  To conduct an air raid and not kill anyone is quite an accomplishment.  Either the EU has Robin Hood manning the guns on its helicopters and airplanes, the reports are erroneous, or someone warned the target to get their people clear before their base was bombarded.  It’s probably just a case of bad reporting, and there actually were some casualties.  But the cynic in me believes that it’s quite possible that someone didn’t want pictures of dead bodies on CNN and put out a warning.
• From the “No Kidding?” Department – Human Rights Watch is accusing the Iraqi government of running at least one off-the-books prison. They assert that Iraqi citizens are taken off the streets without judicial overview, thrown into this prison, and tortured.  This is my shocked face.  Is anyone else surprised that about 15 minutes after the last American truck crossed the Kuwaiti frontier the Iraqis started returning to the tried and true methods used by 3rd world dictators to keep power?  Did these naive individuals actually think that once what little influence we had on the day-to-day running of Iraq was over that the government, its rivals, and the Iraqi people would make nice and it would rain rose petals and free soup?  Of course the Iraqi government is going to throw people they don’t like into prison and violate their human rights, you dolts.  It’s Iraq,not Switzerland. Want western style democracy in a country without the prerequisites for Western style democracy?  Then quit whining when Western democracies use their armed forces to force the local fuzzywuzzies into line until they learn how to act like a democracy.
• From the “WTF?” Department – A Panamanian fisherman is suing a cruiseline because, he claims, the crew of one of its ships failed to provide aid to him and his shipmates when they were adrift on the Pacific Ocean.  Passengers on the cruiseship maintain that they saw the fishing boat signalling the larger ship and told crewmembers.  Several people on the smaller boat subsequently died before the rest of the crew were rescued by Peruvian authorities after several weeks adrift at sea.  If the allegations are true, I hope this young man and the rest of the surviving crew take the cruiseline to the financial woodshed over this.  Failing to give aid to the stricken is one of those things that just makes my teeth itch.
• From the “This Can’t End Well” Department – Officials in Mississippi are telling drivers to be on the alert after two shootings on the state’s roadways.  There are unconfirmed reports that the shooter is posing as a police officer, complete with flashing blue lights, to get people to pull over. The district attorney is advising drivers to turn on their flashers and go to a safe place if pulled over.  If you’ve ever been in rural Mississippi, it can be a long way between ‘safe places’.  I hope this doesn’t turn into either an excuse to not stop for the police for 30 miles or that a real policeman is hurt because someone he or she stops thinks they’re the imposter.

• From the “Cave Walls Are For Porn” Department – Scientists in France have uncovered limestone blocks that fell from the ceiling of a cave, and found carvings of female genitalia on them.  They believe the figures were carved over 35,000 years ago.  Think about that.  One of the first things that modern humans did when they occupied Europe was to start putting pin-ups on the ceiling.  It’s almost reminiscent of where my Farrah Fawcett poster ended up.
• From the “3rd Party” Department – Ron Paul has announced that he will no longer be campaigning for the Republican nomination.  Some will see this as Congressman Paul choosing to be a statesman over  being a politician.  Others will see this as an opening gambit in some Machiavellian plan to gain the nomination.  I see this as an excellent opportunity to take a better look at Gary Johnson.  The thought that comes to my mind on this:  I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if a million Wookies cried out in frustration and then were silenced.
• From the “Done Dirt Cheap” Department – The high-tech Solyndra manufacturing plant that President Obama visited and praised in 2010 is being prepared for sale.  Also up on the auction block is the president’s credibility when it comes to business decisions and his prowess in picking horses.
• From the “IP Over Clay” Department – Archaeologists in Turkey have discovered a clay tablet with what they believe to be the only evidence for a previously unknown language.  The cuneiform writing on it may be the only example of a language spoken by a people deported to the area by the Assyrian empire. My guess is that if it is ever translated, it will be two teenagers complaining about their friends on FaceTablet, or gushing about the latest boy band, Assyrian Asylum.
• From the “2.5 Leagues Under the Sea” Department – Archaeologists in England are trying to figure out why the boat they built using tools and materials similar to what Bronze Age shipbuilders would have used sunk immediately after being launched.  My guess is that generations of ancient craftsmen had a few tricks and techniques for making sure their boats didn’t turn into very expensive fish traps.  Hopefully the British crew will re-discover the wonders of pine tar so we can get some photos of their boat actually floating.