• From the “Qel Surpris” Department – Some members of an indigenous force stood up in Afghanistan by the U.S. and other NATO members have started defecting to the insurgent groups they’re supposed to be hunting.  I, for one, am absolutely shocked to hear that illiterate goat herders who have received free arms and training from us are going over to the other side.  No, really, this is my shocked face.  Of course, it’s a very small number (41 or 86, depending on who you believe) of the 10,000+ people in the program, but it’s not exactly encouraging.
• From the “Excuses” Department – A man in Seattle is accused of sexually assaulting four women, three of the teenagers, during and after a volleyball game.  His excuse:  the demon caffeine made me do it.  Dude, you’re lucky I’m not on your jury.  I’ve been so amped up that I’m starting to see dead relatives, and I’ve never grabbed a woman’s breasts or smacked a teenage girl on the butt.  I once heard someone say that it’s not the alcohol that makes the jerk a jerk, because he was a jerk long before the first drop touched his lips.  I think the same logic applies here.  My guess is that you were a jerk before you had that 35th dopio low-foam extra dark cappuccino.
• From the “One Man, One Vote, One Time” Department – Libya is preparing for its first election in six decades.  I look forward to a future of a real Libyan statesman stepping up to the plate, leading his nation to a glorious, peaceful future, and then passing on power to the next guy, like the muslim Cincinnatus that he is.  Mwahahaha. Sorry, couldn’t hold that in any more.  I look forward to a rigged election, the suppression of politica, cultural, religious, and racial minorities, and spending the rest of my life worrying that some Libyan regime or another is going to decide that my insides would look better outside.
• From the “Professor Moriarty” Department – A master criminal in Pennsylvania was caught when his case of the munchies led police along a trail made out of the leavings of his inability to eat just one potato chip.  Hopefully he learns from his time in the big house and never litters again.

• From the “Unpossible” Department – The city of New York is reporting a drastic rise in ‘gun’ violence.  How that’s possible, since the scourge of handguns has been pretty much banned from the Big Apple, I don’t know.  Sixty people were shot last week, and city leadership is blaming the phenomenon on the heat and the fact that police are doing fewer ‘stop and frisks’.  In a stop-and-frisk, a policeman, without any of those annoying constitutional considerations, stops a person, forces them to submit to a frisk, and then arrests them for anything that is found.  Their theory is that as police violate the rights of fewer and fewer people, more blood will flow in the streets.  Of course, not interfering with the rights of their citizens can’t be considered as a way for them to deter someone from hurting them.  That’s just crazy talk.
• From the “Use What You Got” Department – A man in Florida was arrested recently after being accused of attacking two women with a sword and a peanut butter sandwich.  It’s possible he was just trying to test one of the ladies for allergies, but I think this is just a smear campaign against the man.  Of course, he could just be a goober.  As for the sword, remember, choosy morons choose Cold Steel.
• From the “And The Horse You Rode In On” Department – A man in Germany is being sued by his university for lost income after he completed his degree early.  It seems that he and a couple of friends arranged with the school to pool their efforts at attending lectures and then all of them took the necessary exams to get their degrees.  I guess you can’t get your full dose of revenue generation and indoctrination if you’re actually being efficient about your education.
• From the “Do It Yourself” Department – The state of Texas has acquired several gunboats, which it plans to use to patrol the waterways that separate it from Mexico.  I guess since the federal government isn’t doing anything to secure the border, the states will have to step up.  No word on whether or not John Kerry has offered his expertise in boats to the Lone Star state.  Who knows, maybe they need someone to teach the fine points of creative after action report writing and how to draft your own decoration justifications.  I look forward to a Texas sized finger directed to the northeast when Washington tries to stop Texas from taking over where the federal government has slacked off.
• From the “No Kidding” Department – A recent report finds that moderate alcohol consumption can act as a social lubricant.  Really, Professor Obvious?  You had to do a study to figure out that when folks have a couple of drinks under their belt they get more social?  What’s next, a study to look into the phenomenon of water running downhill?  Are we actually paying for this ‘research’?

• From the “Schadenfreude” Department – A man in Massachusetts was found with his head stuck under the garage door of the business he was attempting to rob.  Oh, how sad that he should be caught in a rather painful and embarrassing manner.  I certainly hope that the counselors at the prison are able to help him work through the trauma.  But an evil little part of me also hopes that the bruise is permanent so he’ll always be known as the man with the door hickey.
• From the “Look in the Mirror” Department – Rahm Emanuel, late of the Obama White House and current mayor of Chicago, took to the airwaves to ask “Who raised you?” of the persons responsible for the death of a little girl who was caught in the crossfire of gang violence in the city.  Mr. Mayor, might I suggest that the animals who did this were raised by the destroyed community that you and your ilk have been nurturing for the past two generations?  I think that if you looked at the failed policies and programs of your side of the equation rather carefully, you would see millions of people who have no respect for human life staring back at you and that the wheels of your political machine are liberally greased with the blood of the innocent.
• From the “Good Start” Department – Several members of the TSA at Newark Airport were fired recently when surveillance cameras caught them sleeping in front of baggage screening monitors.  “Who watches the watchers?” indeed.  Now if we can just get the rest of the thieves, malingerers, and molesters out of the TSA, and let the five or six that would be left do something useful, we’ll be ahead of the game.
• From the “Hint, Hint” Department – A man in India is being treated for splitting headaches that come on when he watches pornography.  Apparently he is not afflicted during other sexual circumstances, but watching smut appears to set them off.  Doctors have prescribed prophylactic ibuprofen and acetaminophen for his problem, which seems to help.  Of course, he could just stop looking at porn, but I’m told that’s just crazy talk.
• From the “Surprise, Surprise, Surprise”  Department – The Justice Department has announced that it will not be pursuing charges against Attorney General Eric Holder after the House of Representatives found him in contempt for not producing documents connected to the Fast and Furious gun running scandal.  I don’t think anyone is shocked by this.  This leaves Congress with a few options:  They can bring in a special prosecutor, they can impeach the Attorney General, or they can go to court to try to get the Judicial Branch involved.    That last one seems to be their preferred strategy at the moment.  I believe they have another weapon:  the purse strings.  The House has to pass any budget for the Justice Department, and if they wanted to, they could cut it off.  Yes, federal law enforcement would grind to a halt, but something tells me that starving the beast would bring it to its knees pretty quick.  I look forward to months of chest beating, prick waving, grandstanding, and chicken playing before this is somehow resolved.  My guess is that it will take a change in administration before anything happens, and Obama can always pull a Gerry Ford and issue blanket pardons while Michelle is packing in January.  

• From the “Silver and Gold” Department – Amateur treasure hunters in England recently found a horde of 30,000 to 50,000 gold and silver coins that date to the period of the Roman invasion.  Archaeologists have been able to keep the location of the trove a secret, and continue to excavate it in hopes of learning something new about late Iron-Age Celtic society.  Which reminds me.  I need to bury a few more jars of pennies in the field behind my house.  I do it to mess with 23rd century archaeologists.  I would love to read the papers about the ceremonial burial of copper coins, tin foil, and bottle caps in 21st century Kentucky.
• From the “Sinking Ship” Department – A senior official in the Democrat Party has advised some of his brethren who are running for election in close races to not come to the party convention in Charlotte this summer.  He maintains it’s to keep them fighting in their districts.  My take is that if they’re locked in a tight race, they don’t want to get splashed with any of what’s going to be flying at the convention.  Let’s be honest, if you were in a tight race, would you want to have a picture of you fawning over Barack Obama shown to your constituents?
• From the “No Donut” Department – A police officer in Florida was fired for sending text messages that warned a friend that he was about to get raided by the local SWAT team.  The friend, who was suspected of being a pimp and is confirmed to be an FBI informant, surrendered later without the drama of a kicked in door and a dead puppy.  I think the officer should be given a medal. He may have saved this valuable informant’s life by causing the SWAT raid to not happen.  The professional door-kicking, window smashing, grenade throwing operators of Plantation Florida just might have snapped after all of their high-speed, low-drag training paid off in the chance to actually take their M-4’s and balaclavas out of the trunk.  In other news, Officer Fife has been given not one, but two .38 Special’s to put in his breast pocket, and criminals throughout the greater Plantation area have reported trouble sleeping due the fear that this engenders.
• From the “Stirring the Pot” Department – Kraft Food’s Oreo cookies are in the center of a crap-storm after an advertisement that seemed to promote gay rights was published.  Some people who oppose the message of the advertisement have pitched a fit, and are pledging to never buy Oreo’s again, boycott Kraft products in general, and to not slow down their car if they see an Oreo delivery man crossing the street.  I have seen no reports of grandmothers stroking out, heads of little children exploding, or showers of fire and brimstone over the Oreo factories, so I’m guessing this is all a tempest in a teapot.  Can’t we all just agree that the cookie part of an Oreo is wonderful, while the filling is too sweet and greasy to be fed to barnyard animals?

• From the “Workplace Safety” Department – A force-on-force security exercise at a U.S. nuclear plant has been postponed after one of the security guards involved reported being light-headed from the gases created by blank ammunition.  Gee, I guess I’ve been lucky.  All these years of having blanks, Simunition, and training grenades used against me and the last thing going through my mind was “Hey, I feel a little woozy”.  Usually it’s either “Get the !@#$!@# out of the way!” or “Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch!”.  One wonders whether the guards in question would request a MSDS from anyone actually attacking their plant with live ammunition. “Warning, use of this product can lead to bleeding, tissue damage, broken bones, and possibly death.”
• From the “Interesting” Department – Food scientists in Brazil have announced that they have come up with a recipe for gluten-free pasta using banana flour.  They claim that their product has significantly less fat in it than regular pasta and contains more protein.  Here’s hoping this comes to market.  I don’t follow a gluten-free diet, but I know several people who do, and their fare can be a bit unappealing.  Of course, this begs the question – If the pasta is made with bananas, how does it taste with chocolate syrup and nuts?  Probably the same as just about everything else – delicious.
• From the “Beachcombing” Department – Debris from the Japanese earthquake and tsunami continue to wash up on the west coast of North America.  Experts estimate that it will continue to be a problem for several years, and states are beginning to look to the federal government for help in cleaning up the mess.  This is one of the times I agree that a federal response is necessary.  This is going to be a big mess along a large section of our coast, and it could possibly be an ecological problem if invasive species get a toehold on the continent.  Plus, what are Oregon, Washington, and California going to do with the millions of Pokemon balls, karaoke machines, and marital aids shaped like mushrooms that are expected to come ashore in the coming months?
• From the “Modest Proposal” Department – A woman in South Carolina recently testified about getting the bill for the cleaning of her son’s blood off of a roadway after he was killed by an illegal alien who was driving drunk.  The woman is suing the driver, who has been sent to prison, but expects to get nothing from her.  I have an idea:  Why not make the managers of the Immigrations and Customs agency personally responsible for any damages caused by illegal immigrants?  I bet you’d see a tall, nasty, sharp, pointy fence built paco tiempo, and the problem of illegal aliens in the country would dry up just as quickly if the head of ICE knew that he could be out millions for not doing his job.

• From the “No Kidding” Department – A professor at the University of Chicago says that a Obama presidential library at the school would become a liberal think tank.  No fooling?  An ego project used to highlight the parts of the Obama administration that he wants remembered in 200 years will become a political echo chamber for people who support his views?  Nah, I’m sure it will become a shrine to personal responsibility and gun rights.
• From the “Greater Good” Department – President Obama used his weekly radio address to call on House leaders to “put aside partisan posturing, end the gridlock and do what’s right for the American people”.  To this I say:  You first.  I expect to see your resignation in the paper tomorrow morning.
• From the “Mega Marsupial” Department – Paleontologists in Australia have uncovered skeletons that belonged to wombats approximately the size of a Buick.  I’m hoping that this work leads to cloning of these magnificent beasts and eventual reintroduction into the wild.  What caliber for marsupials large enough to feed a family of four for a winter?  Also, does anyone know any good recipes for wombat?
• From the “Justice Served” Department – The lawyers for Jerry Sandusky, the disgraced former football coach and child molesting waste of protoplasm, who was convicted on over 40 counts related to his disgusting inability to keep his hands and other appendages off of little boys, are planning to appeal the conviction.  Qel surpris.  Their argument seems to be that the judge didn’t grant a mistrial at some point and that the trial happened too soon for them to prepare.  I can’t comment on the mistrial issue, but one would think that seven months would be enough to prepare for a case where the guilt of the accused was pretty much a given.  I look forward to reports of Mr. Sandusky’s introduction to general population.
  

A grandmother who works as a bus monitor has had over $200,000 donated to a fund set up in her name since a video of her being berated and insulted by students on a bus hit YouTube.  She did not complain, but once the video went viral, the school called the police, who have spoken to the students.

Am I the only one wondering why those students were able to still speak after talking like that to an adult?  One would think that their jaws and several other parts of their skelature would be held together with wire and screws by now.

I guess I’ve finally reached that “When I was growing up” stage of life.  Had I had ever spoken to an adult, of any age, station, or sex, like those little miscreants did to this lady, if she didn’t beat my ass within an inch of my life, then the bus driver would have, and would have taken time to explain to every parent on the route that my ass-beating was the reason the bus was running late.  Failing that, some adult member of my family would have used my ass beating as an example to the younger children.  I would have earned this not only because I disrespected an adult, but also because I did it while using the family name, and no-one was allowed to bring that much shame to my family, no matter how screwed up we may have been.

Example – Once, very early in my school life, I fell asleep in class.* When I was ever so gently nudged by the grandmotherly woman who taught my class, I was a bit whiny, which got me sent out into the hallway and eventually to the principal’s office.  This time, I got a good talking to about staying awake and not talking back to teacher (the Board of Education stayed on its hook this time), and a call to my mother.  On the way home, I had to walk past my grandmother’s house and the homes of two of my aunts.  That was the longest walk of my life.  Grandma met me in the yard and spanked me.  Both of my aunts got a swipe in, and I really caught it when I got home.  Guess what?  I only got sent to the principal’s office twice more in the time I went to school, and that was for fighting to defend either myself or one of my brothers.  If I’d ever acted like these twerps, there’d be a small unmarked grave somewhere on the prairie.

I’ve never had to do such things with my kids, but they all know that death is an option.  One good part of having more than one kid is that they know that you have a spare if you have to thin the herd due to bad traits in the bloodline.**

Instead, these precious little snowflakes got a “talking to”.  Maybe they had their cell phones taken away for a few hours, or possibly they had to go to their air-conditioned, HD TV equipped, Internet connected rooms for a little while so they could think about what they did.  I’m sure that will straighten them right up. It’s not like they did this to a real person, at least not someone they would consider a real person. This is just someone’s grandmother who is taking her time to monitor the bus so that everyone gets home safe.  If it was someone important, I’m sure they would have been on their best behavior.

*Staying up late reading “Little House on the Prairie” by the light of the moon may sound adventurous, but it ruins your eyes and puts you to sleep when you ought to be learning to count higher than 20.
**Kidding of course.  I love my children, but I love them enough to teach and enforce respect.

Update – Looks like at least one of the parents is trying to do the right thing.

• From the “Something Rotten in Boston” Department – A corpse flower, known for its….. ‘unique’ scent, just bloomed at the zoo in Boston.  It’s stench of rotting flesh is supposed to draw the insects that pollinate it, but I’m convinced that it’s to keep primates from going near it.  Of course, nothing says love like a bouquet that includes a four foot flower that smells like rotten hamburger, and these flowers are exceedingly rare, so I’m sure they will be the thing to get your sweetie for Valentines next year.  Lord knows every other expensive and silly thing has been thrown at me over the years.
• From the “Doing It Wrong” Department – Two parties recently met in Maryland in order to sell a used car.  When they met, one of the sellers pulled a gun and tried to rob the buyers.  The lady in the buying group drew her own gun and started firing. The two goblins dropped their gun and ran away.  So far this sounds like a good defensive gun use.  Unfortunately, the lady admits she fired into the air to scare the robbers, then pursued them and continued to fire.  She’s currently under arrest on weapons charges.  Class, turn to page 38 and read the first paragraph aloud with me:  “There is no such thing as a warning shot.   If someone drops their gun and runs, they are no longer a threat and I no longer need to shoot at them.”  Even though she’s in hot water, I’m glad that neither she nor her companion were harmed.
• From the “Assemble the Minions” Department – Larry Ellison, the head of Oracle, is in negotiations to buy 98% of the Hawaiian island of Lanai.  Some will see this as a rich man indulging himself in the twilight of his life and setting up a tropical paradise to retire to.  I see this as a precursor to a new James Bond-esque plotline.  I’ll get more worried when he starts putting heliports inside dormant volcanoes and constructing a secret submarine base on the island.  Those of you who have had to deal with Oracle over the years should be shaking your heads in understanding right about now.
• From the “About Damn Time” Department – The House Oversight and Government Reform Committee voted yesterday to hold Attorney General Holder in contempt of Congress, setting up a vote by the full House.  Better minds than mine are weighing in on Mr. Holder, so I’ll hold off on that for now.  I saw some of the ‘coverage’ on the NBC news last night, and one of the Democratic congressmen was defending Holder by saying that he had given the committee everything he could, and that everything he’d held back was classified*.  Let me clue the good congressman in here;  There is nothing so classified that Congress cannot be told about it.  Your ‘need to know’ became active the minute you put your over-compensated butt in the chair.  If y’all don’t want to compromise information, sources, or methods, then hold a session behind closed doors, but hiding behind “It’s classified!” is a non-starter.  I look forward to the partisan shrieking of the next few days.  Who’s got the popcorn?  One final thought – Do you think we’ll see people in the streets chanting “Obama lied, Mexicans died!  Holder lied, Brian Terry died!” anytime soon?
• From the “Enemy Action” Department – NBC News got caught with their hands in the cookie jar again recently when it was revealed that they edited a recording of a Mitt Romney speech to make it look like he was out of touch with common folk.  This is the third time in recent memory that they have been caught in such shenanigans.  At what point do we just rename them TASS and be done with it?

*Paraphrasing from memory here.  It was a soundbite and I didn’t note who said it.  If only there was not only a network of some kind where I could go back and re-watch the broadcast as well as the energy to do so.

• From the “Campus Visit” Department – A small black bear recently took a tour of a school in Alaska.  A door had been left open for a construction crew, and the little guy just wandered right on in.  Reports are that he helped himself to some school food, which leads me to believe that things must be pretty lean in the woods up in Alaska.  The bear is also reported to have urinated in the hallway of the school, but let’s be honest here.  How many of us can say that we’ve never heard of a human doing the same thing at one time or another?  The bear ran off when staff frightened it, and has not been seen again.
• From the “Adults Behaving Badly” Department – It’s a three-way tie for the “DaddyBear Parent of the Week Award” this time, campers.  Our first contestant is a father in Georgia who is being charged with murder and child cruelty.  Authorities maintain that he put vodka in his 4-month-old daughter’s bottle, which led to her death.  His lawyer says that “Everything isn’t always what it seems”, so I guess her defense will revolve around the vodka gnomes spiriting the spirits into the formula while the man’s back was turned. Next up we have a couple in Georgia who are accused with child cruelty after police say they let a 4-year-old girl suffer for several days after she shot herself in the abdomen with a gun she found in their hotel room.  Now, I’ve caught a stray piece of buckshot, and that hurt like a mother.  I don’t know how much being ‘grazed’ by a pistol shot at contact range must hurt, but my guess is “a lot” doesn’t cover it.  These two are accused of letting a little girl suffer for two days before a family member called in the authorities.  How about we shoot them in the stomach and leave them in a hotel room for a weekend and see how they like it?  Finally, we have a nice couple from Illinois who had car trouble in Kansas, left two young children tied up and blindfolded next to their car in a department store parking lot, and left three older children locked in the car while the mother went in to shop.  Now, I’ve lived in the Mid-West in the heat of the summer, and you don’t leave a dog in the car while you run errands, much less stake out a couple of kindergarteners on the blacktop while you leave the teenagers to bake in the backseat.  Both of the ‘adults’ involved have been arrested, and the children’s guardian angels must have been working overtime, because not only are they alive, but they’re being put into foster care over the incident.  Guys, is it just me, or is the “Stupid People Hurting Their Kids” category of the news getting mighty crowded lately?
• From the “Cry me a @#$!@#! River, Sweetheart” Department – A 49 year old man, who admits to deserting the United States Air Force in 1984 because he didn’t like President Reagan’s policies, now wants to be able to come back and visit his parents.  I say let him.  Of course, I think he ought to be met at his port of entry by two of the ugliest Air Force S.P.’s they can find, who will then introduce him to his cell mate at the nearest disciplinary barracks, but that’s just me.  Hey, brain-dead, the correct way to express displeasure with your commander-in-chief is to not re-enlist, not walk away from your unit to go to the land of good booze and leggy blondes.  I’m sure the people you left behind in Augsburg appreciated the security sweeps, extra scrutiny, and extended workload your little trip north cost them.  Putz.
• From the “Dumbass” Department – We’re all familiar by now with George Zimmermann, the man in Florida who shot and killed a teenager, claimed self-defense, and is at the center of a maelstrom of press and political hyperbole.  He is back in jail after the $150,000.00 bail in his second-degree murder case was revoked.  In addition, his wife is being charged with perjury after it came to light that she wasn’t exactly truthful in discussing the family finances and the amount of money in a legal defense fund.  It seems they were busted when authorities took a listen to recordings of their conversations over jail telephones.  Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  The phones in a jail are not there for your convenience.  They are there as an evidence gathering tool.  Quit. Using. Them.  If you need to get a message to your wife, mother, bookie, or poker buddies, send it through your lawyer.  Of course, you shouldn’t be lieing in court, but  that ought to go without saying.
• From the “Unintended Consequences” Department – Hey, President Obama, you betrayed a long-standing ally in a supremely strategic location, allowing his regime to fall and be replaced by a the political arm of a terrorist organization that has turned out some of the vilest murderers our world has seen in generations!  Now, instead of a stable border between Egypt and Israel, along with problem-free access to the Suez Canal for us and our allies, we have a hostile regime who will use their new power to hurt us any way they can.  After all that, are you going to Disneyland?  No?  Oh, you’re going golfing again.  Well, have a good time, Mr. President!  The rest of us will be back here in the real world, trying to figure out how to keep the wheels on for just a few months longer.