• From the “WTF?” Department – The National Father’s Day Council has named Bill Clinton as its 2012 “Father of the Year”.  Yeah, Bubba’s a great father.  So great that he was banging a young woman who was only a few years older than his daughter in the Oval Office while Chelsea was upstairs doing homework.  Yeah, father of the year material right there.  In related news, Mr. Clinton was also named “Cigar User of the Year” by the Cuban National Cigar Manufacturing Association.
• From the “Rules for Thee, Not Me” Department – The President has signed a law restoring lifetime Secret Service protection to presidents and their families.  You see, someone who has held a four to eight year contract with the government has more of a need for armed security than I do, and one can’t force a millionaire to pay for his own hired guns.  Anyone who says I don’t need a gun to protect me and my family and ex-presidents need multiple guys with guns to protect him and his family is fully invited to pucker up and kiss something fuzzy on me.
• From the “Crockett and Tubbs” Department – Police in California were surprised recently when a check on a man who is on probation turned up 34 pounds of marijuana being guarded by a 5 foot alligator.  The scaly watchman appears to be in ill-health, and has been taken to the zoo for treatment.  Apparently Captain Success bought the animal as a tribute to Tupac Shakur when he died.  Right, because nothing screams “I love you Pac!” than a five foot alligator hiding your stash.  The miscreant has been returned to jail, where ironically, he is sharing a cell with Vincent “The Croc” Sandoval, who got his name by taking people who irritated him on death rolls at the bottom of the Bay.
• From the “WTF?” Department – The Navy has released a study that finds that the new camouflage uniforms sailors have been wearing are quite flammable.  The cloth they are made from is a cotton/nylon blend, and if anyone has ever had their hand under a piece of nylon cord that’s having its end melted so it doesn’t fray, you know that burning/molten nylon is bad news.  Apparently cloth that doesn’t burn and melt wasn’t part of the requirements for the new uniform.  Maybe I’m wrong, and I would like you Navy vets to correct me if I am, but isn’t fighting fires and damage control part of every sailor’s job description?  I distinctly remember being told not to wear under-clothing with my BDU’s that wasn’t cotton because cotton chars, but synthetic fibers melt.
• From the “Friends, Romans, Countrymen!” Department – Archaeologists in England have unearthed an ancient Roman theater, the first of its kind found in Britain.  Apparently even on the wild frontier of Faversham, the Romans liked to hear a little “Agamemnon”.  This find is especially significant due a scroll discovered at the site, which has the original script for “The Parrot Sketch” on it, although in this version the centurion who wants to return the parrot runs the shopkeeper through with a spatha instead of buying a slug.

• From the “Flying Calamari Brothers” Department – Japanese scientists have created some fascinating video of a giant squid in the wild.  The tentacled beauty was followed down until it was impossible to follow anymore.  The scientists hope to repeat the feat again, although they plan to bring a lot more sticky rice, seaweed wrappers, and good beer with them next time.
• From the “Leaning Liner of Leon” Department – A ceremony is being held this weekend in Italy to commemorate the wrecking of the Costa Concordia.  No word yet on whether or not President Obama will be there to expound on his opinion on whether or not this ship has a listing problem, that everything would be OK if more water was pumped aboard, and that it’s all the fault of George W. Bush, that criminal mastermind or incompetent, depending on the subject and who you ask.
• From the “Insult to Cockroaches” Department – Congress is currently polling somewhere between whale scum and the bottom of the ocean.  Only 9% of Americans approve of Congress, which makes them slightly more popular than Ebola, but not as popular as cockroaches.   What’s the difference between a kitchen full of roaches and the floor of the Congress?  Roaches at least look guilty and run when someone shines the light of day on their activities.
• From the “Bad Omen” Department – A couple in California were fortunate to not be hurt when the balloon they had just gotten married in crashed.  Everyone was able to go on to the reception, where such time-honored traditions as “let’s do a conga line under a ladder” and “black cat crossing contest” were held.
• From the “Samsonite Strut” Department – Authorities in Florida are searching for a seven-foot long alligator which was spotted walking down the street.  Reports are that the creature wasn’t hurting anyone, and was just out to stretch its legs and/or jaws.  Residents are reminded to keep pets, children, and relatives whom they like indoors for the time being.
• From the “Sweeps Week” Department – A TV station in Sweden is red in the face after a monitor in the background of an interview was showing adult content.  Fox has already announced that Cinemax will be shown behind all news programs featuring good-looking anchorwomen.  For those of you who don’t watch Fox, that means all of them.  Never to be outdone, ABC plans to be putting hardcore videos in the background of The View, although the influence of seeing Joy Behar and pornography on the same screen might just kill off the sex drive of every human being that sees it, causing a massive drop in the birth rate.
• From the “Going to Hell on a Scholarship” Department – A man in Colorado must have had a lot of karma to burn, because he stole an ambulance that was parked outside of a home the other day.  The vehicle’s crew was in the home assisting an old lady who had fallen, and apparently Captain Cuervo was a bit cold and needed to drive an ambulance around to warm up.  Ambulance Driver was not available for comment.
• From the “Inconvenient Profit” Department – Al Gore, former Vice-President and current huckster of green energy drinks, has made himself richer than Mitt Romney after selling his failing TV station to Al Jazeera.  I hope his rather liberal staff enjoy working for the oil-rich new owners.  I understand that the new name of the network will be “PetroNews”, with a slogan of “Globally warming your heart since 2013”.

• From the “And One For the Horse You Rode In On” Department – Michael Moore, the hero who has been responsible for the survival of the American fast food and corn chip industries in these hard economic times, has published his list of New Year’s resolutions.  One of them is to stop saying “I support the troops.”  Apparently, those of us who were either suckered into the military because of patriotism or hard economic times should have known better.  Basically, because he disagrees with the political decisions that have led to us invading Iraq and continuing our work in Afghanistan, he thinks that people who sign up to wear the uniform are part of the problem.  Personally, after looking up what Michael Moore has done to contribute to any solution to any problem in his life and being greatly underwhelmed, I hope that Mr. Moore has a change of heart and goes back to his hobbies of trying to destroy corporations and governments, glorifying communism, and pulling the wings off of rare Amazonian butterflies to season his evening meal.
• From the “Oopsie!” Department – Police in Florida are looking for the source of several training grenades that have been found in a trashcan at DisneyWorld.  I agree with the police in that they are probably left over from some training or other.  Of course, why grenades are being used in military/police training at DisneyWorld is another question.  Next time I visit the Magic Kingdom, I’ll keep my nose open for the smell of burnt gunpowder, flash-bangs, and riot gas.
• From the “Back in the USSR” Department – Russian President Putin has declared that Girard Depardeau, French actor and tax refugee, is now a Russian citizen.  Russia has a flat 13% income tax, while France is looking to seize 75% of the income of anyone making more than 1 million euros.  Depardeau recently surrendered his French passport and moved to Belgium.  You know, it’s kind of sad when Russia has a more sane tax structure than liberal western democracies.
• From the “Sharper Than A Serpent’s Tooth” Department – Two girls in California are in hot water after it was discovered that they drugged one of the girls’ parents so that they could be on the Internet after curfew. In the realm of temper tantrums, this one will go down as about an 8 out of 10.  It’s above getting a tattoo to piss off your father but below the Menendez brothers.  Here’s hoping these young ladies get sent to the judicial woodshed and don’t come back for a long time.
• From the “Insult to Injury” Department – The state of Delaware, which provided millions of dollars in grants and loans to Fisker to open an auto factory in the state, has spent several hundred thousand dollars in additional funds over the past few months to keep the lights on for Fisker.  If you believe that this money will be repaid, as well as the $21 million in loans previously made by the state, then I have beachside property in Kentucky for you. Apparently, when the Obama administration was picking winners and losers in the green energy market, they picked a lot of losers.  This isn’t schadenfreude, ladies and gentlemen.   The federal government promised Fisker over half a billion dollars, which we’re all on the hook for.  Thankfully, Fisker seems to have crumbled before getting all of that money, so thank the Lord for small favors.
• From the “Oddities” Department – Doctors in Iran are reporting that a man in Tabriz has grown a benign tumor on the surface of one of his eyes that is apparently sprouting hair.  It is reported that this condition is not uncommon, and I have to agree.  Every father of the girls I used to date gave me the hairy eyeball, so I’m guessing that most of the people so afflicted are middle-aged fathers of teenage daughters.  I expect mine to start emerging any time now.

Time magazine has announced that President Obama will be its “Person of the Year” for 2012.  Here is a list of other people that august publication has designated in such a manner.

• Charles Lindbergh – Nazi sympathizer and eugenics supporter
• Adolf Hitler – Nazi dictator who ordered the murder of millions
• Josef Stalin – Communist dictator who made Hitler look like Ghandi
• Nikita Kruschev – Communist dictator who almost started a nuclear war and promised to bury us
• Lyndon Johnson – Democrat president who brought us the Vietnam War and the modern welfare state
• William Westmoreland – Army general who tried to defend the Fulda Gap in Southeast Asia
• Richard Nixon – Republican president who looked at the constitution as an annoyance and resigned in disgrace
• Jimmy Carter – Still holds the record for being the worst one term president in American history
• Deng Xiaopeng – Chinese dictator who continued programs that led to millions of abortions and forced sterilizations
• Ayotollah Khomeini – Theocratic dictator who created and led the government that violated our embassy and has been a state sponsor of terrorism ever since
• Vladimir Putin – Russian quasi-dictator who has done a good job of dragging the Russian people back into the gulag

And the hits keep on coming.  Some of those people were chosen on more than one occasion.  This isn’t the first time Obama has been on that cover, and something tells me it’s not the last.

Hey, I’m just surprised that Time can afford ink.

• From the “Bad Things” Department – Police in Alabama have arrested an employee at Anniston Army Depot after police found stolen equipment, weapons, and grenades on the man’s property.  For once, assuming that the weapon that was found was an M-4, the use of the term “assault rifle” might have been correct.
• From the “Blasts From the Past” Department – Rumors are swirling around the possibility that Secretary of State Clinton may leave the administration, who would replace her if she does, and so on.  The current hot rumors are that she plans to leave, that Massachusetts Senator John Kerry will be nominated to take her place, and that the governor of Massachusetts might appoint former governor and one time presidential candidate Michael Dukakis to finish out Kerry’s term in the Senate.  Got that straight?  Basically, two failed candidates would move up, one to the executive branch and one to the legislative.  Now all we need is for Bob Dole to be appointed to the federal bench and we’d have the trifecta of presidential also-rans.
• From the “Alrighty Then” Department – An Australian man is planning on making wine the old-fashioned way.  By old-fashioned, he means that he will harvest the grapes nude and under the full moon, then put the wine in clay pots to age, and then bury the pots for a few months.   I guess you’d call that “Australian Rules Viticulture”.  You know, I think I’ll just stick to bourbon, thanks.
• From the “Holes in the Desert” Department – Paleontologists in Nevada have unearthed the fossil remains of two predator species recently, the dire wolf and the sabre-toothed cat.  No word yet on whether or not they found the fossil remains of the first guy to get caught counting cards at the Mirage.

• From the “Bulgogi In Space!!!!!” Department – Well, what do you know?  Manny, Moe , and Jack-sungsenim were able to get their bucket of bolts off the ground and into orbit.  Of course, it’s reported to be tumbling wildly and the world is bracing for when the thing inevitably falls from the sky, raining death and destruction upon whichever unfortunate Seoul it happens to land.  But then, I’ve never put a missile prototype into orbit, so congratulations to Glorious Leader and his pack of Russian, Chinese, Libyan, and Iranian hirelings.
• From the “Moral Conundrum” Department – Two men are in trouble with the law after it was learned that they were making detailed plans to kidnap, mutilate, and murder singer Justin Bieber.  While I’m glad Bieber is safe, I’m also glad that none of my children ever got into his music.  And to be honest, who wants to see such a talented young girl harmed anyway?
• From the “Diaphragms for Does” Department – A suburb in New York is planning on getting control of its deer population by shooting does with contraceptive darts.  The treatment is supposed to keep the does from getting pregnant for three years.  No word on how much the program is going to cost, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to cost more than what the town would make if they were to hold a $10 a head raffle to be part of a bow hunt.
• From the “Get A Rope” Department – A Pennsylvania couple is going to hell on a scholarship after it was discovered that they were running a dog fighting ring out of their home.   Apparently “man’s best friend” got translated into “man’s best outlet for barbarism”.  Here’s hoping they end up in a small cage, brutalized, and fed bad food for the rest of their life, just like they did with their dogs.
• From the “Literature Critic” Department – A library in Ontario is being forced to destroy thousands of dollars worth of books after someone has made a habit of urinating on them.  Breda was unavailable for comment, although confidential sources have indicated that the world’s most dangerous librarian is forming a crack strike team to head to Canada and track down this animal and terminate him with extreme prejudice.

• From the “Good Kid” Department – A boy in Oklahoma donated all of the toys he received for his 8th birthday to Toys for Tots, a charitable effort that tries to make sure that needy children wake up to at least a little something under the tree on Christmas.  Now, I have kids, and I’ve been taking kids for about 30 years now.  I’ve never met one who would willingly part with a birthday present for any reason, much less all of them.  This young man is unique among his peers, and he is a great example to us all.  Good on him, and good on his parents for a job well done.
• From the “Classy” Department –  Urban Outfitters, one of those annoyingly loud mall shops that try to make young people without jobs feel rich and trendy, has put out their latest profanity-fortified Christmas flyer.  Now, I’m not going to condemn someone for swearing.  Lord knows I’ve made a few sailors blush and grandmothers swoon in my time, so I’m not going to cast the first stone over someone else uttering words that used to get people’s mouths washed out with dish soap.  But gratuitous marketing like this coursens our culture just a bit more, and to use it to market a Christmas sale is sleazy. At this point, the best way for my kids to go to school bare-chested would be for them to come to breakfast wearing one of this companies shirts.  How about next year they run merchandise emblazoned with “Our marketing department is fresh out of ideas” or “Our clientele is the lowest common denominator and they’re OK with that”?
• From the “Mal Hombre” Department – A manager of a chicken restaurant in Kansas City proved that old adage about not having a gun because someone might take it away and use it against you.  You see, three men came into his establishment, one of whom drew a handgun and tried to rob the place.  When he reached across the counter to further threaten the manager, the manager took the handgun away from him.  Moe, Larry, and Curly then exited the building quite rapidly, running into a locked door in their rush to find an exit.  No word on whether or not the manager will be fired for possession of a firearm on company property.
• From the “Monkey Meets Football” Department – North Korea has extended the window in which it is hoping to launch its latest attempt to put kimchi into orbit.   The DPRK appears to be trying to fool everyone into thinking that a country that still has to pick and choose which portion of its population will get enough calories on any given day has the resources for a space program.  Of course, any launch is a good launch when you’re looking for a propaganda boost, and if they’re lucky, the rocket will survive in flight long enough to be shot down by Japan.   That will, of course, give the North Koreans an excuse to rattle that rusty old saber they inherited from Stalin and Mao a half century ago, and everyone will pay attention to them for a little while.  Personally, I’m hoping the darn thing blows up on the launch pad and takes what little expertise they have with it.
• From the “Born Near the Bruins” Department – A woman recently gave birth next to the bear exhibit at the zoo in Syracuse, New York.   While I’ve been told that walking around helps a woman in labor, I’m guessing they didn’t mean a stroll through the zoo.  Luckily, the little one and mother seem to be doing OK.  The zoo plans to give a gift to the family, and the bears have volunteered to sign the birth certificate.  Names that I’ve heard bandied about include Fozzie, Yogie, and Baloo.  I personally wouldn’t mind having the little nipper as a namesake:  Daddison Jehosephat.  It’s a family name.

• From the “KITT” Department – The transportation department appears to be poised to mandate the inclusion of data recorders, or “black boxes” on all passenger vehicles.  These devices are already in use on a lot of cars, but the new rules would mandate them and also mandate an expanded amount of data they would gather for analysis after an accident.  Just another reason that my dream vehicle is a 1971 Ford pickup.  Yeah, it’ll look like crap and need almost constant maintenance, but I’ll know how to do more than half of that maintenance and the darn thing can’t be called as a witness in a lawsuit.
• From the “Bottoms Up” Department – A Japanese study has found that a substance found in hops may be beneficial to children suffering from RSV and adults with a cold.  However, the study cautions that an adult would have to drink 30 beers to get the recommended dose of humulone.  I see nothing wrong with that.  Drinking myself into a stupor when I feel like crap is never a bad idea.  At least now I can claim that it’s for my health.
• From the “Trust in Me” Department – The state of Florida is planning a contest for who can kill the biggest wild Burmese python and who can kill the highest number of the wriggly rascals.  I see a bad TV reality show in the immediate future, complete with the suburban guy who wants to show he’s a man, the redneck who knows what he’s doing, and the PETA protester who mysteriously disappears right after discovering a nest of the things out in the Everglades.
• From the “Freedom to Choose” Department – The legislature of Michigan has approved a bill that would prohibit union shops from requiring that workers join the union, and the governor has indicated that he will sign the bill into law.  Basically, it’s saying that if you want to pay dues to the union, you can, but if you don’t want to, no-one can break your knees, figuratively or literally, over it and expect to be protected by the law.  Of course, unionists are losing their collective cool over it, with Democratic legislators being described as “livid” that their constituents can now decide on their own whether or not they want to pay dues out of their salaries.  They also seem to be angry that Michigan is going to be more competitive when it comes to attracting jobs. Apparently losing good paying jobs has been part of the state Democratic parties platform for two generations, and it’s hard to let tradition go.
• From the “Allegory” Department – A large whale carcass is sitting on a beach in Malibu, California, and local agencies are in a pissing match over who will get the choice assignment of getting rid of it.  Basically, a stinking corpse has washed up on the doorstep of the rich liberals who live there, and they want something done about it.  The evil partisan corner of my mind snickers at this.  They’ve foisted a stinking corpse of a presidency upon the rest of us while they stay comfortable little Eloi, so I say let the darn thing stay there until it’s a grease spot on the sand.
• From the “Dumbass” Department – A man in New York has been arrested after shooting his girlfriend over whether or not zombies are real.  Apparently he was so upset over her not believing that it could be possible for the dead to rise and feed upon the living that he went and got his gun to make a point.  I wish him luck, because he’s about to learn that, although zombies might not be real, there are indeed monsters in the world.
• From the “Eau de Napoli” Department – Pizza Hut Canada is introducing its own perfume, which is reported to smell like a hot pizza.  You know, I’ve been around people who smelled like garlic and cheese, and it’s not something I would promote.  Hopefully this doesn’t catch on.