• From the “Can’t Drive 55” Department – Los Angeles has regained the honor of being of the most congested city in the United States, beating out Honolulu.   Los Angeles has been in a rebuilding state since the 2010 driving season, when their star lane blocker, Maria Conchita Neveah Shania Nguyen-Limpopo-Rosenblatt-Al Rashid, was taken out of competition after she lost the wind-up key to her Prius.  It’s good to see that the people of Los Angeles can come together to make their city one of the biggest inconveniences in the country.  Los Angeles, I salute you by staying the heck away from you!
• From the “SkyNet” Department – The Israeli Air Force shot down a drone aircraft of unknown origins today.  Hezbollah, the peaceful organization that represents those who wish to peacefully kill Israelis using peaceful suicide vests, has denied any involvement with the aircraft.  However, the Lebanese terrorist organization has put out a notice on Twitter advising anyone that they will gladly trade one “Get Out Of A Suicide Mission Free” card for knowledge of the whereabouts of their glorious leader’s model airplane.
• From the “Like A Boss” Department – A female U.S. sailor is being hailed after she beat the bejeezus out of a would-be rapist in Dubai.  It seems that the young lady got on a bus while on liberty, the bus driver took her to somewhere secluded, and tried to have his way with her.  Instead of meekly submitting to his demands, she knocked the knife out of his hand, bit him, and crushed the breath out of him using her thighs.  Here’s hoping the miscreant isn’t executed, because it would be more fitting if he were to spend the rest of his life in a Dubai prison with the label of being the guy who got beat up by a woman.
• From the “Not Our Fight” Department – The U.S. Secretary of Defense revealed today that American intelligence agencies believe that the Syrian government has used chemical weapons against Islamic factions in the ongoing Syrian civil war.  Senators McCain (R for Redundant, Arizona) and Feinstein (D for Decrepit, California) have called this a “red-line” event, meaning that the Assad regime has gone too far and that the U.S. and its allies should intervene.  I must point out here that we don’t really have any allies in Syria, we have no real interests in who wins and who loses here, and that we just don’t have a dog in this particular fight.  Now, I’m disgusted by the use of chemical weapons against anyone, and I hope that their use has not included civilian targets, ala Halabja in 1988.  But this isn’t our war, and if anyone should be policing what Arab Muslims do to each other, it should be other Arab Muslims.  Let Saudi Arabia and Egypt get a little skin in the game for once.
• From the “Bondo and Ballpeen” Department – A recent hail storm has damaged 50 helicopters in Afghanistan, which will cause supply issues for units there.  Army aviation officials say that repairs are being given top priority, although they expect that a few of the helicopters will be totalled out by insurance adjusters who have been deployed to assess the damage.  In that event, they hope to be able to take what they get in a settlement and use it to buy some old UH-1  helicopters on the used aviation market until they save up enough to get a newer model.
• From the “Tough Mother” Department – A Pennsylvania woman has gained renown after travelling to Egypt and bringing back her son, who was abducted by her ex-husband several years ago.  The woman dressed up in a scalp-to-ankles covering,  found her ex-husband and son, and waited until an opportunity arose to whisk him away to a safehouse.  The mother reports continued fear that the boy’s father will re-appear and try to take the boy away, but since Pennsylvania is a free state, I hope that she has taken the step of acquiring adequate tools to protect herself and her boy.  She and her son are now adjusting to life back in the United States, and there are reports that her ex has taken a job as a bus driver in Dubai.

• From the “Oh Please, Oh Please” Department – Anthony Weiner, disgraced former Congressman from New York, has begun exploring the possibility of running for mayor of New York City.  Mr. Weiner resigned from Congress after he was caught sending suggestive photographs of himself to women he wasn’t married to. As someone who likes to sit on the political sidelines and throw pexcrement at the clowns on the field, I support this effort.  I will never turn down easy blog fodder.
• From the “Cutting Off One’s Nose” Department – The Air Force’s Air Combat Command has announced that it will begin standing down combat air units on April 9 due to cuts to its funding.   These cuts, as part of the budget sequestration, will cause the amount of training for pilots and crews to drop by 45,0000 hours between now and October.  This will mean that in a crisis, our Air Forces may not have enough qualified pilots and crews to respond to an emergency.  In unrelated news, the Obama family enjoyed a wonderful concert at the White House the other night that included ‘talents’ such as Cindy Lauper, Queen Latifah, and Justin Timberlake.
• From the “So What?” Department – Global warming experts are predicting that areas, such as France, where some of the best wine in the world has been produced for centuries, may lose that crop as the climate changes.  Instead, wines may become a viable crop in places such as Britain, the American Northwest, and China.  I would be alarmed at this, but I have read some Roman texts that discuss how good the wine from Britannia was, so rather than this being the end of the world, it could be a return to something that has happened before.  While true wine connoisseurs may shudder at the thought of such a monstrosity as a Welsh claret, I look forward to trying it in my lifetime.  My Norse blood also would like to see what vintages might be grown in Vinland.
• From the “Oopsie!” Department – The Environmental Protection Agency is in a bit of hot water after it released personal details on thousands of farmers and ranchers to environmentalists groups.  The environmentalists had requested information on large-scale farms and feeding operations under the Freedom of Information Act, but apparently the EPA didn’t scrub personal information from the data it sent in response.  The agency has requested that the information be returned.  Apparently the EPA hopes that the groups that have the information don’t own a copier or a thumb drive.  Stuff like this is why even the farmers I’ve known who weren’t “gun people” knew how to use a shotgun or a rifle.  Never know when some varmint might come around the house and cause trouble.
• From the “Mine, Not Thine” Department – A commercial by an NBC newsperson which encourages its watchers to realize that the responsibility to raise children is a societal and governmental, not a personal, responsibility has started a firestorm.  Apparently, us knuckle draggers here in the back country can’t get it though our thick skulls that the fruits of our loins are the property of “society” and should be raised and educated in a way that is palatable to those who rightfully dwell in ivory towers and take nourishment from the ambrosia of life.   These enlightened individuals cannot understand how we might find it insulting for them to believe that they and they alone know what is the ‘right’ manner to raise and educate our children.  Of course, my point is that I have a hard time handing over the care and feeding of my children to an organization that couldn’t make a profit running a whorehouse.  Until the government shows success in providing housing to the poor, crime control in urban areas, and education to children whose parents are uninterested, I’ll just be over here teaching my kids to read and think for themselves, thank you very much.
• From the “PSH” Department – A man in Connecticut has been arrested after police discovered he was committing the heinous crime of shooting tin cans in the woods with a BB gun.  Apparently enjoying a few moments of peace in the great outdoors is verboten when the President is in the neighborhood.  The man was officially arrested for breaching the peace, threatening, and interfering with police, so my guess is he didn’t take kindly to police demands that he put away his official Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle.

• From the “Tax Dollars at Work” Department – Fisker Automotive, which has taken out $200 million in government loans, has fired 75% of its staff.  The company, which was a showcase for the Obama administration’s efforts to bring about a green energy economy, has kept enough staff around to sell off assets, negotiate with the government about that pesky loan repayment issue, and possibly declare bankruptcy.  Remember, when the government picks losers and winners, it usually picks losers.
• From the “Priorities” Department – British authorities are estimating that 30,000 people will die from cold temperature related issues this winter.  That’s up from the 24,000 that died last winter.  It appears that at least part of the problem is that the cost of heating a home to a comfortable level is rising sharply in the country as taxes on non-green energy sources drives up costs.  For those on a fixed income, such as the elderly, that means deciding whether to shiver or starve.  If someone ever calls you an alarmist for saying that the green energy crowd wants us to all to freeze to death in the dark, point them at this article.
• From the “Missed Opportunity” Department – A psychiatrist in Colorado reported the Aurora shooter to the authorities 38 days prior to the massacre.  She apparently failed to put him in a mental institution for a 72 hour hold, but did make sure his student ID was shut off.  That sound you heard as you read that was liability lawyers in Colorado shifting into high gear.
• From the “Junk Under The Bunk” Department – Police in Russia recently uncovered an ‘arsenal’ of World War II weapons hidden under a bed.  The collection, which included a machine gun and several sub-machine guns, also included 220 rounds of ammunition and parts for other guns.  If that gives the authorities vapors, I’d hate to see what they’d do if they ever looked under my bed.
• From the “FacePalm” Department – Police in Great Britain are expanding the criteria for hate crimes to include attacks against people because of their “sub-culture”, such as goth or punk-rock.  Let’s hope this doesn’t spread over here, because the jails would be overflowing with Jedi/Trekky, Glock/1911, 9mm/.45, werewolf/vampire  miscreants.  Imagine getting in trouble with the law because you had the temerity to point and laugh at some ignorant hoplophobe because they felt threatened.
• From the “Marketing Fail” Department – Retail chain Target is in full damage control mode after a customer noticed that a plus sized dress was marked as being colored “manatee gray”, while a smaller version of the same dress was marked “dark heather gray”.   Company employees are also looking for other examples of descriptions that are unflattering to their customers, such as the “Macho MooMoo”, which is being marketed to large teen boys, the “Panda Express”, a line of large, plush, black and white jogging suits, and the “Big-Boned Burka”, for the Muslim woman who might be just a tad more curvy than average.

• From the “Look at me!  Look at me!” Department – North Korea has decided to take its semi-yearly temper tantrum and crank it up to 11.  The communist government has cut the communications link that connects it with the South Korean government and has put its rocket forces on a war footing.  Kim Jong Un, the new leader of the worker’s paradise, has appeared in photographs in front of maps that show North Korean missiles targeting Guam, Hawaii, and cities on the American mainland. South Korea and the United States are currently in the middle of a military exercise, which the North claims are preparations for war.  Officials are concerned that Kim Jong Junior might have cranked things up so far that he can’t back down for fear of looking like even more of a jackass.  I’d suggest that pamphlets be blown over the demilitarized zone telling the North Koreans that if they don’t back down, then they’ll be in deep kimchi.  Of course, considering the diet of the average North Korean, that might not sound so bad.  Personally, I don’t think he’s got what it takes to pull the trigger.  You hear that, you inbred, bucktoothed, moonfaced son of an illegitimate psychopath?  You don’t have the balls to launch those missiles.  I don’t even believe they’re real.  I dare you to cross the 38th parallel. No, I double dog dare you.  You don’t have a hair on your butt if you don’t start lobbing No Dong’s into the Sea of Japan by sunset tomorrow, you big wuss.
• From the “Cry Me A River” Department – The lawyer for a man who was convicted of luring a 15 year old girl to a vacant house and assisting in her rape by multiple assailants is crying foul after his client was sentenced to 25 years in prison.  Apparently, the other people involved in the crime pled guilty and were given less prison time.  The judge seems to have taken into account the fact that the man knew the victim, enticed her to the scene of the crime, and helped commit the crime.  All I can say is that he’s lucky to be alive and not have pieces lopped off.  Yes, he didn’t actually rape the victim, but if he hadn’t have participated, then she wouldn’t have been raped.  The answer to someone getting more time for a crime than his accomplices is not to reduce his sentence, but to stop handing out less time to the others.
• From the “She’s a Very Freaky Girl” Department – A woman in South Carolina has caught the ire of her neighbors after decorating her yard with baby dolls that have been staged to look like they are being executed or tortured.  You know, I always thought Tuesday and Morticia Addams were compelling female roles too. 
• From the “Dumbasses in the News” Department – A TSA worker at JFK Airport in New York ‘accidentally’ sprayed his co-workers with pepper spray from an object that he found and thought was a laser pointer.  You know, it’s always a good idea to pick up random objects that you think will shoot out a coherant beam of light and point it at your co-workers while trying to activate it.  I guess if you want to cripple American passenger air travel all you have to do is seed the security checkpoints with shiny objects that disable the TSA agents.  In other news, a television commentator, who was sitting on a panel of pundits discussing the squeaky-round-ball tournament, stepped on his schwanz by saying that he was only there to give a “white man’s” perspective.  The rest of the panel appears to have been made up of people whose ancestors hailed from Africa.  After social media lost its collective shit, the commentator apologized and admitted he was stupid. Rumors that have been reported to me say that he has been nicknamed “Token” by his peers, and will soon be receiving a phone call from President Obama expressing how overjoyed he is to see the color barrier in basketball punditry broken.  And finally, a Congressman from Alaska has come under fire for using the perjorative term “wetbacks” to describe the Mexican laborers who worked on his families tomato farm when he was growing up.  The congressman has apologized and said that he meant no disrespect.  He states that he bears no prejudice toward Hispanics, and that there is no room for bigotry or discrimination in his heart, for he dislikes everyone equally.

• From the “Found Treasures” Department – Workers at a recycling center in Sweden had no use for that morning coffee to wake up the other day when an old lady came in to donate a grenade.  Imagine their surprise as they went through the usual newspapers, magazines, tin cans, and plastic containers to find something that goes boom mixed in.  No-one was hurt, and police took the device away for destruction.  I should start a campaign telling Swedes that if they want to turn in explosives, I’ll be glad to take them off their hands.  It’s just my way of helping the planet.
• From the “Facepalm” Department – An elementary school student in Michigan got in a bit of hot water the other day when other students noticed a small handgun in the tyke’s bookbag.  We all like to point and laugh when a school administrator or a teacher freaks out over a child pointing his finger like a gun, or drawing a gun, or even chewing up a pastry to look like a gun, but I don’t have a problem with them reacting to an actual gun when it’s in the possession of an unsupervised small child.  No word on where the gun came from in the report, but something tells me the police are going to be having a discussion about safe storage and gun safety with this kid’s family.
• From the “Atomic Facepalm” Department – Residents of Newtown, Connecticut, are rather perplexed that the NRA would use automatic dialers and recorded messages to try to convince the townspeople to oppose new gun legislation.  Newtown, you will remember, was the scene of a horrific shooting in December that has been the spur for new anti-rights legislation at the federal level, as well as in several states, including Connecticut.  Now, I’m against these new bills as much as the next guy, and I support the NRA using my membership dues to try to convince people in battleground states to stand up for their rights.  But a little research and a little discretion should have been used in this instance.  Giving the anti-rights crowd yet another thing to grasp upon to make all gun owners look like insensitive, blood thirsty clods isn’t exactly helpful.
• From the “Legal Beagle” Department – The Supreme Court has ruled that the police need a search warrant in order to use a sniffer dog to look for evidence of a crime in a home or its immediate surroundings.  This could be useful to gun people in hostile places.  How hard would it be to train a dog to sniff out gunpowder, BreakFree, or the smell of burned propellants?  At least so long as they’re following the law (I know, I know), they would have to get a warrant before bringing in Officer Fuzzie.
• From the ” Consequences” Department – Mexico has been losing business as a tourist destination lately.  The country, which is racked with violence between drug gangs and the government, is in danger of falling off the list of top places where people go to spend money on cheap booze and chachkis.  Violence that was once isolated to the American border has spread to resort areas like Cancun.  Maybe if his daughters can’t safely go to Mexico on their vacation, then the President might start to think about changing his approach to drugs.  Remember, every bullet fired in this particular turf war is fired because Americans like their intoxicants and the American government likes telling people which intoxicants they can use.  Find a way to safely legalize the drugs, and all of this dries up in a matter of weeks.
• From the “Fringe Benefits” Department – A retiring county administrator in California appears to be set to receive at least as much as she did when she was working, a whopping $423,664 a year.  That figure includes longevity and performance bonuses, even though she won’t be working for the county anymore.  I always knew I was in the wrong business.

Note – I apologize for the many issues with spelling and format.  Hopefully I’ve corrected this enough.

• From the “Weak Tea” Department – South Korean banks and TV networks had their computer systems hit hard today.  In the midst of the “ZOMG THE COMPUTERS!!!” talk, it was mentioned that critical things like hospitals, nuclear power plants, and the military weren’t hit.  Basically, reporters weren’t able to do research and write articles on computers and the ATM’s shut down for a few hours.  I’m not going to say that the systems that came away unscathed are bullet proof, but the fact that this ‘attack’ was more of an annoyance than anything else will lead to a calming of the waters and slow down the push for expensive, but only mildly effective, cyberwarfare capabilities.  Conversely, the fact that it happened at all might just push the people who make decisions to devote more than lip service to computer security.  Here’s my 25 cent recipe for curing the majority of security issues:
  • Patch early, patch often.
    • The first 25 readers who tell me they have automatic patching set up on their home computers get a gold star next to their name.
  • Shut off anything you’re not using. (I promise, this is the only really geeky one in the list) 
    • Webservers
    • File Transfer Protocol
    • Telnet
  • Don’t use software that is written so poorly that it should be considered dangerous.
    • Flash
    • Java
  • Use good passwords and change them periodically. 
  • Don’t use the same password and ID for different accounts
  • Use a good spam filter and don’t open email from people you don’t know.
    • Be wary of email from people you do know.
  • Stay away from the seedier side of the Internet as much as possible.
    • PR0N
    • File sharing services
  • Use your damn brain for something other than to keep your ears apart.  It’s a powerful piece of computing hardware hooked up to a high speed network, not a toaster.
• From the “Symbolic” Department – “The Beast”, the armored limousine that carts around the President, had to be towed after it broke down in Tel Aviv today.  While that may be a great symbol of the Obama presidency, the fact that it either ran out of gas or was given the wrong fuel only enhances it.  If only there was something else associated with the administration that stalled out, possibly because it was fed the wrong type of fuel or because it just ran out of steam.  A good example escapes me, not because there isn’t one, but because there are so many choices.  Seriously, the look on my face is probably like the look Boo gets when I take him out for ice cream and tell him he can have any flavor he wants.
• From the “When Animals Act Like Animals” Department – A family pet in Colorado Springs was eaten by a mountain lion the other day.  While tragic, it’s not exactly surprising.  More and more homes and neighborhoods are being built right up against the territories of animals, both predator and prey.  Fluffy the Wonder Poodle doesn’t exactly stand a chance against a 100+ pound panther.  Officials give good advice in that people should not act like lunch and run from a big cat.  Their advice to puff up and back away slowly might be helpful, but not as helpful as advising people to shoot the darned thing if it threatens them or their family.
• From the “Schadenfreude” Department – Bloomberg Business News is reporting five reasons that gun control efforts won’t go as far as they would have liked this time around.  The articles reasons include lack of White House involvement, vulnerable Democrat politicians in pro-gun states, and a Republican controlled House of Representatives.  Here are my five reasons:
  1. The Second Amendment
  2. 100 million gun owners
  3. Gun rights advocacy groups like the NRA and the SAF
  4. The awakening of female shooters (The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world)
  5. Joe “Both Barrels” Biden

• From the “And Then There Were Three” Department – Senator Diane Feinstein (D for Dysfunctional, California) has let slip that her gun ban bill will not be brought to the Senate floor for a vote.  She may still offer it as an amendment to another bill.  While it’s not a stake in the heart of a renewal of the assault weapon’s ban, it’s good news.  However, now is not the time to let off the pressure and dance in the streets.  We need to make sure that our Senators know not to allow it to be used as an amendment, and we need to keep working to get the universal background checks bill killed. 
• From the “Dammit” Department – Seven Marines died yesterday during training at a base in Nevada.  Reports are that the accident that killed them was related to mortar live-fire practice, but details are still sketchy.  Regardless of the circumstances, loss of  our servicemembers is always a tragedy, and accidents during training are in a way worse, to me, than in combat.  When someone deploys, you understand that they will be in danger and might be hurt, but when they’re going to the field, you don’t expect danger to be much worse than the morning drive to work.  Hopefully the cause of the incident is found and corrected so that others won’t be hurt.  Our prayers go out to those who were injured and the families and friends of those who died.
• From the “Luck” Department – Police in Florida were tipped off that a university student was about to start a shooting spree in a dormitory yesterday. The would-be shooter’s roommate called the authorities after a gun was pointed at him, and police swooped in.  The miscreant took his own life, which I think is unfortunate.  Catching more of these bozos alive would allow doctors and police to know a bit more about what brings someone to that point, and might bring better prevention and treatment efforts.  Good for the police on this one.
• From the “To The Courts!” Department – The governor of Colorado has said he will sign new anti-rights legislation on Wednesday.  These bills would restrict the size of magazines sold and owned in the state, as well as adding universal background checks for all firearms purchases in the state.  Companies such as MagPul and the Outdoor Channel have pledged to leave the state due to moral and legal implications, and I support their decision.  Why feed the beast?  Now that the legislative process is coming to an end, it’s time to support those who will be using the judicial process.
• From the “Rubicon” Department – Rebel and government forces are trading accusations of chemical warfare after 25 people were killed recently.  I wouldn’t be surprised if tit-for-tat chemical attacks start to become common in the Syrian civil war.  As bad as that would be, I hope that it stays within the borders of Syria.  A stray gas round into Lebanon or Israel could spread the war like a grease fire.
• From the “Been There” Department – A man in Pennsylvania has been arrested after he attempted to remove his wedding ring by shooting it off.  In case you need to ask, yes, alcohol was involved.  The worst part is that his attempt was unsuccessful.  His finger was almost amputated, but the ring was still attached.  I’m not going to admit anything here, but there was a moment about two decades ago when I desperately wanted to take off a wedding ring and it wouldn’t budge, so I can sympathise.  Luckily for me, a little 3-in-1 oil did the job.
• From the “WTF?” Department – An active duty Marine, who lost his legs to an IED, was forced to remove his prosthetic legs and leave his wheelchair while going through TSA screening at the Phoenix airport.  When questioned about the incident by a member of Congress, the TSA stated that the young man should have identified his physical problem, but stuck to their guns that they followed proper procedure.  I guess the metal legs and difficulty in standing up twice so that his wheelchair could be searched weren’t enough of a hint for the anencephalic putzes who work for the TSA in Phoenix.  Hopefully they will all soon return to their former careers of dumpster diving, selling plasma, and pulling the wings off of butterflies.

• From the “No Velociraptor For You!” Department – Scientists are arguing the ethics of resurrecting extinct species, but apparently dinosaurs are right out.  So, while the Peruvian death mosquito and Romanian plague rat are brought back, my back yard will be bereft of extinct therapods.  Now how am I going to keep those darn coyotes out of the yard?
• From the “Consequences, Schmoncequences” Department – The fees on federal student loans are increasing slightly as a result of the ongoing sequester.  Apparently improving efficiency in the bureaucracy that has mushroomed since the government took over most student loans was out of the question.  Yes, it’s not much more money, but when you’re a starving student, a bigger fee hurts.  Of course, the fact that the federal government is involved in a transaction between a private citizen and the university they attend is wrong, but we’ll leave that for another talk.  I guess all those students who voted for Obama to strike a blow against The Man are yet again learning that they themselves are The Man.
• From the “Your Tax Dollars At Work” Department – The U.N. recently held a conference where anti-gun organizations got a chance to sit down with African government officials to ‘educate’ them about upcoming negotiations on a treaty to curtail civilian access to small arms.  Because, you know, no-one is more receptive to ideas that guarantee a human being’s right to self-defense, even against oppressive governments, than African dictators.  I know, other countries contribute to the U.N., but do you think the Manhattan Third World Debate Club and Deli would cut back on caviar and hookers so that they could hold these shindigs if we walked away from them?
• From the “Foundlings” Department – A family in South Carolina had a bit of a surprise the other day when the box they found on the side of the road was not filled with the expected litter of puppies.  Rather, it contained three black bear cubs.  Now, how does one get the gumption to touch that box without being 100% sure that Mama Bear isn’t in the bushes doing what bears do in the woods?  The cubs are said to be doing well, and have already been signed by Hamms beer for the 2016 football season commercials.
• From the “Oopsie!” Department – A New York assemblyman, who has voted against legalization of marijuana for medical uses, was arrested recently after police allegedly found a quantity of the cursed weed on him during a traffic stop.  Apparently he needed to take the edge off after a week of keeping New Yorkers safe from one of his habits.
• From the “Dumbass” Department – A man in Wisconsin was arrested after the people who were working on his printer  found sheets of counterfeit bills jammed in it.  When the man was arrested, police allege that he had several more counterfeit bills on him.  Here’s a hint – If you’re using your home printer to counterfeit money, learn to clear your own paper jams.
• From the “Booze Buddy” Department – A company in California is coming up with a device that will allow smart phone users to gauge their blood alcohol levels.  They hope that if people know how drunk they are, the less they will drink and drive.  This brings back memories of a gadget that was mounted on the wall of the bowling alley in Augsburg.  You put in a couple of quarters, the machine would turn on and dispense a short plastic straw.  You stuck the straw into a hole in the machine and blew.  It would then read out your BAC.  Instead of using it to get an idea if we were safe to drive, it became a measure of who was the most inebriated, with the winner buying the next round.  I am proud to say that I bought more than a few rounds of beer at that bowling alley.