This week, we salute the guy from Pennsylvania who forgot to take the materials he uses in his hobby of blowing stuff up out of his bag before he tried to go through security at Philadelphia airport:

A 29-year-old-man was taken into police custody this morning at the Philadelphia airport after attempting to board a flight to San Francisco while carrying items that could have been assembled into an explosive device — a vial with a fuse, a plastic bottle filled with explosive powder and three M-80 type fireworks.

This is one of the reasons that my range bags are my range bags and my airport bags are my airport bags and never the twain shall meet.  I go through airport security every day, and all it would take is for me to forget to take a magazine or a box of bullets out of my bag before throwing the laptop back in it for me to find myself in a world of pain.

Remember kids, take the explosives, guns, knives, bottles of water, and tubes of toothpaste out of your bag before going to see Uncle BadTouch, or you may end up on my blog as a bad example to others.

At least a divorce lawyer.

The attorney defending a man accused of exploiting immigrant women in his chain of massage parlors in Chicago was recognized by one of the women involved as being a client.  The lawyer admits to having several massage sessions with the lady, but maintains that nothing improper or illegal happened.  He also admits to exchanging emails and giving her gifts, so that must have been one heck of a massage.

This guy better hope he’s got the world’s most forgiving wife, or start shopping for a townhouse and get a charge account at Bed Bath and Beyond, the divorced man’s general store.  It never ceases to amaze me how cheaply some people will throw away their marriage, half their worldly possessions, and the years it took to build and maintain their family.

The judge has declared a mistrial, and the defendant has said he wants a new lawyer. So now the search begins for a lawyer admitted to the Illinois bar who hasn’t gone to one of the defendants establishments for a rub’n’tug.

The ‘parents’ who kept an 8 foot python in their home when they had a small child and then expressed surprise when said snake slithered into the crib and killed their child have been found guilty of manslaughter, 3rd degree murder, and child neglect.  During the trial, it was revealed that the snake had not been fed for a month before the death of the little girl.

As a parent, I gave up a lot of things when the first of the brood came along, and I will probably never get them back due to grandchildren being due before the last of my spawn leave the house.  These include dangerous pets, leaving firearms and such lying around the house when I’m not using them, and a whole list of other activities that just shouldn’t happen when you’ve got kids.

I’m not going to discuss whether or not it’s appropriate to have an ambush predator like a python in the house when your kids are small enough to look like breakfast to it.  That’s open to interpretation and proper care, feeding, and control of the animal.  Just like you can be a good parent and responsible gun owner, I’m sure that there are ways to be a good parent and responsible owner of an 8 foot carnivorous reptile.

I hope these two wastes of protein get the book thrown at them and have to serve the entire possible 35 years.  I hope they have to spend 23 hours a day in their cells, with their enclosure papered with photos of their daughter.  I want them to be reminded every moment that they are awake that they had a precious gift given to them, and they fed it to the snake.

Today, we have a round up of ideas from the headlines that make me do a face-palm or head-desk maneuver, whichever comes to mind first:

• A 9/11 survivors group is being kept out of the commemoration of the 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center due to a lack of space.  The reason given is that the ceremony will be primarily for the families of those who perished in the attacks, but it seems a little callous that some slots can’t be freed up to allow at least a few of the people who were actual witnesses to the attacks in.  Here’s an idea for Mayor Bloomberg – How about we dis-invite the local imams, a few of the hack local politicians who skulked in basements while survivors were digging at the ruins with their bare hands, and maybe even a couple of the media darlings who showed up in starched shirts and fresh shaves once the all clear was given?  Maybe then the people who actually deserve to attend can be there.
• The European Union is suggesting that they should take over the job of combing through banking records looking for the money used to fund international terrorism. Because, you know, they’re so good at keeping track of money and all that.  Oh that’s right.  We childish Americans can’t understand the subtlety needed to know that when Farukh Ali bin Badguy is spending 1 million dollars euros on Bulgarian “chocolates”, he’s really setting up a shop in Rotterdam for cheap confectionaries, not planning on massacring innocent women and children in Sandusky.  Our bad, sorry.
• A group in Michigan is promising to hold a book burning if a tax measure on the ballot is not approved.  Funny, I thought those kind of tactics were only found in Illinois politics.   This is the Michigan version of “Sit down or the bunny gets it!”.  Hopefully the tax measure will pass, these cretins won’t re-enact some of the more lurid scenes from the Nuremberg rallies, and everyone can be happy.   
• An ‘artist’ in the Ukraine plans to spend 35 days locked in a cage with a lioness, with occasional visits from a male lion.  He hopes to use this to raise money for his personal ‘mini-zoo’, and seems excited that the lioness will be giving birth while he’s in there.  Yeah, nothing can go wrong here.  There’s nothing an apex predator like an African lioness enjoys more than having a hairless ape poking his opposable thumb into her delivering cubs.  Heck, she’ll probably even let him babysit the cubs while she practices her creeping, pouncing, mauling, and dismembering skills post-partum.  This may be a win-win.  The guy gets some press, and in the worst case scenario, his zoo doesn’t have to buy any Purina Lion Chow for a couple of days.
• Yet another town in America has gotten rid of all their crime and fixed all their problems.  They must have, because a town in Illinois just passed an ordnance that makes it a crime to wear low-hanging pants.   Hey, I think a guy walking around with the crotch of his jeans between his knees looks stupid, but don’t we have anything better that we could be doing?  If someone complains to the police because some gangbanger wanna-be has the waistband of his BVD’s showing above his shorts, then the officer can make a judgement as to whether or not the person in question’s appearance is an example of public nudity.  If so, there’s probably already a law on the books for that.  If it’s not, then file the idiot with the droopy drawers away for disdain and get on with your life.

A woman jumped onto the tracks of the light rail train near San Fransisco.  She apparently fell between two tracks and escaped with only minor injuries.  Considering that she didn’t fry like a hot dog connected to a car battery on the 3rd rail, nor did she get beaten and broken like a pinata, I’d say she’s pretty lucky.

Police are saying that this may have been a suicide attempt, but if it is, she needs more practice.  Maybe she could go to an amusement park and try throwing herself onto the tracks of a roller coaster a few times?  Or she could just go to the same platform on Tuesday morning and announce to the commuters she inconvenienced that she’s the one that held up their trip to work and watch how quickly she’s beaten to death with laptop bags.

A policeman in Illinois was going through the drive-thru at a McDonalds when he smelled the distinct aroma of marijuana smoke.  Turns out, it was not coming from the teenager who took his money, but from the car in front of him.  After stopping the car, a container of marijuana was found.

Ooops.

I’m hoping that the dimbulb who thought it would be a good idea to fire up a fattie at the McD’s drive-thru wasn’t driving. Leave aside the issues of whether or not cannabis should be illegal.  It’s an intoxicant, and someone driving a car shouldn’t be impaired by any drug, legal or not.  Of course, even if he wasn’t driving, the driver would have had a contact high, so someone’s wrong here no matter what.

Here’s my advice:  If you’re going to get high and want McD’s as your way of dealing with the munchies, get your 3 QuarterPounders, 2 large fries, 3 chocolate milkshakes, and 4 fried apple pies first, take all that home, get high, and then eat your fast food fix in the comfort and safety of your living room.  Don’t short circuit the process by getting high in the car.  It’s dangerous, and the smell and erratic driving annoys those around you.

Today we get a two-fer:

Two Louisville parents are facing charges after police say they found them drinking inside a strip club while their baby was left in the hot car.

OK, there’s a lot going on there.  First, they were at a strip club drinking at 11 PM on a Tuesday night.  Next, they took their kid.  Then, they left the baby in a car with the windows rolled up when we had record heat.  And finally, the male dumbass was supposed to be on house arrest, not in Louisville, or even Kentucky, but across the river in Indiana.   


What’s the penalty for violating home incarceration by crossing state lines, going to a bar, drinking, and child endangerment?


And here’s the punchline:  

Officers say on the way to Louisville Metro Corrections, Lee complained that the police car was too hot.

Although, now that I think about it, other than the whole “left in a car until medium rare” thing, this might be the best thing that could have happened to this kid. At least this way she’ll be brought up in a nice safe foster home.