Of all the things that we lost due to the Disease Whose Name We Dare Not Utter, no longer having 24 hour grocery stores has to be the worst.

Yeah, it was convenient when you ran out of turnips while making a midnight snack and wanted to just nip out and grab a couple, but the real loss was the ability to shop while the portion of the populace that never really wakes up was truly asleep.

I could go into the Kroger at 2 AM, get a heaping cart full of necessities and sundries, and only have to interact with the nice lady who noticed someone was waiting to check out. It was glorious. I could do an entire week’s worth of shopping in about 30 minutes, less if I was being really efficient.

As opposed to today, when I went shopping with the living dead. There was one dude who literally walked down the middle of the frozen potatoes and breads aisle, stopping every three half steps to stare first at the freezer on his right for 60 seconds, then to the freezer on his left for another 60 seconds. I politely asked if I could squeeze by him, and he didn’t even ignore me. He looked me in the eye, moved his mouth a bit, then went back to his shuffle-stare-turn-stare-shuffle routine.

This fine reject from a Romero movie was only one of many examples of what I can only call “somnambulant shoppers”.

When I am king, there will be designated hours at the stores for those of us who not only know what we want to get, but also how to get it. Those who can’t handle the sensory input of three different sized bags of shoestring french fries will be relegated to coming in while the rest of us are not present.

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Fun fact – It takes approximately 10 minutes to prebake a pie shell, and while it is toasting a tad, mix up the filling for pumpkin pie.

Another fun fact – Prebaking at 350 degrees, then leaving the pie on the counter for a few minutes while the oven warms up to 425 for its first bake is a good idea. Heck, it’s even a step in the recipe

Fun Fact III – The Fact Strikes Back – Being efficient with your time and turning your back to pull some things from the pantry for the next dish you’re preparing while the oven bakes and the filled pie shell rests on the counter may seem like a good idea.

Grandson of the fun fact – The 5 month old lab puppy is now tall enough to cruise the counter, and she really likes the taste of unbaked pumpkin pie filling.

So anyway, it takes about 10 minutes to whip up another batch of pumpkin pie filling while your spare pie shell prebakes. It may seem to take longer, but that’s because you’re swearing about fuzzy little menaces and telling her that she’s lucky she’s cute.

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The pet store is a racket. Putting $3 dog treats at nose level for a lab puppy right next to the register is dirty pool.

In other news, a lab puppy can lick the frosting off of a $3 dog treat in the ten seconds you take to pull your wallet from your pocket and pay for her new collar.

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Note to self – The glass beer mug you smuggled out of Oktoberfest in 1993 holds just shy of three 12-ounce beers.

Not being a wasteful soul, I finished what was more than ‘just shy’ before settling down with the rest to try to get some things done.

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Irish Woman may think I’m a little crazy for this, but there’s something hypnotic about listening to the time channels on short-wave radio.

tick-tick-tick-tick-tick for 55 seconds, then “At the tone, the time will be…..” followed by tick-tick-tick-tick for 55 seconds.

It’s a mantra for autists, I tell ya.

Now to just tune in those Russian numbers stations while I sleep, and the circle will be complete.