Welcome back, my friends, to the show that, unfortunately, never ends!

Today is the running of Kentucky Derby. Today’s race will bring to a close the annual “Period of Unproductivity”, a grand tradition in Kentucky where nothing gets done between the start of college basketball playoffs and the first Saturday in May.

It’s dark and cloudy here in IndiUcky this morning, so horses that have been trained in bayous and peat bogs will be favored in today’s race. Look out for any horse that has a snorkel attached to its harness to edge out those carrying scuba gear.

Here’s today’s line-up:

1. Bourbon and Bad Decisions, a favorite of the fans here at the track. He’s a descendant of Moonshine Madness, the 1929 Derby winner. Amber and Orange silks- 5 to 1
2. Sunburned Daddy, the first of a trio of horses from Methlab Farms here in Kentucky – Lobster red and bone white silks – 8 to 1
3. Underdressed Mommy, another Methlab horse, and the only filly in today’s race. She’ll be wearing the undersized black and red silks – 10 to 1
4. Overstimulated Toddler , the third and final Methlab horse we’ll be seeing today. Cletus McMountaindew, the Methlab trainer, says that this feisty two-year-old is prone to biting, so look for drama as they get to the gate. You’ll know this one by the silks splattered with odd assortments of mud and other substances – 7 to 2
5. Cankles , a fan favorite for its fashion sense. This horse hales from the Western Ukraine Horse Reservation and Tax Shelter. Cankles is sponsored by the American tax payer and several promissory notes from the European Union. Flowered print silks. Today’s Favorite at 2 to 1
6. OSHA Violations, an entry from the Louisville Metro Public Works department. Interesting note here – his jockey is Darren Ruckriegel, who is riding today as part of his community service requirement after being found guilty of several financial crimes as director of Public Works last year. Tipping the scales at 350 pounds, he’s by far the biggest jockey in Kentucky Derby history. He’ll be wearing the green silks – 20 to 1
7. Finally, in the pole position, we have Infield Idiot, another horse popular with the fans. He’s sponsored by BrainDamage Malt Liquor and the Kentucky Cannabis Association. Look for him to not be wearing silks, in honor of all the buck-naked revelers in the infield today. 100 to 1.

Today’s Honor Guard is provided by several courageous members of the Kentucky National Guard who couldn’t get out of it. The Star Spangled Banner will be sung by University of Louisville Music Major Linda Badpitch, who will be joining the Kentucky State Penitentiary Glee Club to sing the expurgated version of My Old Kentucky Home.

For all of us here at DBN, we wish everyone an enjoyable and safe Derby, and hope to see you back here tomorrow for the cleanup. Bring your hazmat suit and your Zofran.