- From the “AAARRRRMMY TRAINING, SIR!” Department – Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced late last night that all uniformed service members will be required to pass the Marine physical fitness test, with an additional two-mile open water swim for time, starting in fiscal year 2026. This is in addition to the new requirement that all service members in combat arms jobs must pass the same fitness requirements. Notable among the early objectors are Army leadership, who has been working feverishly to include tiddlywinks and plate spinning to their fitness tests in recent months. Air Force units have already begun adjusting their fitness training to include outdoor activities on a limited basis. Navy PT will now include hurdles as sailors try to get their daily run in without breaking their shins on hatches.
- From the “Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics” Department – The United States Department of Commerce has released revised economic data for the U.S. economy from January of 2021 to January of 2025. It appears that we have been in a depression, coupled with just-under hyperinflation, for several years now. Reports are coming in that the former administration not only subverted the process of collating and reporting economic data, but also worked with several shadowy nongovernmental organizations to spirit away the poor when they coalesced into mass protests or took up residence in so-called ‘Bidenvilles’. Where those people have been sent is unknown at this time, but reports of military aircraft circling the interior of Alaska are starting to filter in. No word from President Trump on his plan to pull us out of this nosedive, but footage of government vehicles speeding through the White House gates have popped up on Telegram and other social media.
- From the “Adults in Charge” Department – Portland, Oregon, was recently the scene of chaos as the indigenous population of that picturesque city rose up and expelled the hordes of hippies, communists, anarchists, and performative politicians that have afflicted Portland for the past decade and a half. Leaders of the “Portlandia Area Isolationist Network” have produced a manifesto calling for the building of a wall around Portland to keep out the “riffraff”. They also call for federal aid in cleaning up the environmental and societal mess that successive municipal administrations have allowed to occur.
- From the “European Vacation” Department – French President Macron and British Prime Minister Starmer announced the formation of a pan-European military organization meant to replace U.S. participation in NATO. Dubbed the “Central Organization for Battle Readiness Activities” or COBRA, the force will provide overarching command over sub-units that specialize in infiltration and espionage, mountain and arctic warfare, jungle and swamp operations, and advanced weapons development. The German government is expected to decide on whether or not they will participate in this new organization, or if they will continue to allow the rest of Europe secure the continent for them.
- From the “Gotcha” Department – A middle-aged, semi-retired goofball in Kentucky wishes each of you a happy April Fools Day!
News Roundup
Posted by daddybear71 on April 1, 2025
https://daddybearsden.com/2025/04/01/news-roundup-264/
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DaddyBear
DaddyBear’s Den 
MaddMedic
/ April 1, 2025COBRA?? Channeling your inner GI-JOE are ya???
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daddybear71
/ April 1, 2025YOOOO JOOOOOOEEEEEE!!!!
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