Dear Kentucky People,

Yes, the good Lord has seen fit to send a crust of ice, followed by several inches of snow, followed by more ice, followed by a few inches of sleet down upon us on this beautiful morning.

I understand that this may be disconcerting to all of y’all who are accustomed to the gentle winters the Commonwealth normally experiences.

But, please don’t let this be a moment of concern.

Just follow School of Cool Rule # 1 – “Don’t be !@#$!!!! stupid!!” – and we’ll all come through this with nary a scratch.

Here are a few hints –

1. Stay off the roads unless your vehicle has flashing lights on it. Unless you drive a police cruiser, ambulance, or snowplow, just leave the driving to the professionals for the time being. Soon, it will warm up enough that the salt and brine the county spread on every inch of asphalt they could find will start to dissolve our cars and you can get back to your normal 50-in-a-35 routine.
2. It’s OK to have a wee nip if that makes you feel better, but don’t overindulge. Nobody wants to be snowed in with an alcohol-fueled assbag, and absolutely nobody wants to be getting over a hangover when all that UV starts reflecting off of the snow and ice in a few days.
3. If you’re snowed in with loved ones, now is not the time to try to work out family issues. There are no disinterested third parties present to referee, and you have no escape if things get out of hand. Today is a good day to give each other space, avoid weighty subjects of any sort, and keep the sharp, pointy objects in the kitchen drawer.
4. If you, like me, have overindulged on Halloween candy, Thanksgiving pie, and Christmas goodies and really mean it when you say “This year, I’m getting into shape”, but haven’t been to the gym yet, just pay that nice young person down the street the $50 they demand to clear your driveway and walk. Nobody wants to put emergency personnel at risk on these roads because you decided to shovel for yourself and then have a quick conversation with Jesus while your wife pumps on your chest in her bathrobe and curlers.
5. There are a lot of sportsball programs on the TV today and tomorrow, so please enjoy if that’s your thing. It’s a great way to wile away the hours, and might even be fun for the whole family. However, please remember points 2 and 3 above for the sake of the children.

Anyway, friends and neighbors, enjoy the winter wonderland that the Bluegrass is getting for the next few days. As a true son of the Great White North, I promise that things will get better.