Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to FAFO Airlines flight 1323, offering a direct flight between Yakima and Savannah.

Our flight crew today is headed up by Captain Juliana Magillicutty and First Officer Francis K. Falkenmutter. Both are recent veterans of the United States Space Force. They’re not used to flying something as hands-on as the DC-3 we’re using today, but will muddle through as best they can.

Our cabin crew are Dave Beerstein, Sven Porkmore, and me, Olga Cutyakakoff. We will be coming through with a food and beverage cart once we have reached our cruising altitude of 137 feet. Tap water with ice we got from the fishmonger will be $10. Soft drinks and juices are available for $25 apiece. Beer and wine can be financed using the FAFOnline app on your mobile device.

We welcome aboard the three families with babies and small children making their first transcontinental flight this morning. Hearing protection and sedatives are available for $100 and $150 apiece.

Our flight time is expected to be anywhere between six and thirty-six hours, depending on wind, weather, and whether or not the Applebees at Denver Airport has 2 for 1 margaritas again this week.

This specially modified Douglas aircraft has two exits at the front, two over the wings, and one at the rear of the aircraft. In an emergency, lighting on the floor and above each of the exits will activate. Just head toward the light and you’ll be OK.

If you are seated in an exit row, please read the brochure taped to the wall next to you. If you cannot fulfill the duties outlined there, please let a cabin crew member know, and we will bungee cord you to the wing so that you have a chance to wallow in the shame your weakness brings to your ancestors. We will reallocate your seat to someone smart enough to know how to work a lever and lift out a door before leaping to safety.

Speaking of which, in an emergency, follow all directions of the cabin crew, including “Follow me!” as they execute a perfect exit dive through the nearest hole in the fuselage.

In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion, along with most of the other people on the aircraft, can be used as a flotation device.

In case of a loss of cabin pressure, a mask that you can pretend provides oxygen will drop from the ceiling. Put your own mask on before sitting back and watching the slow gasp for breath.

Our in-flight entertainment today will include classic episodes of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, Bonanza, and anything else I could pirate off the Internet last night. Ecologically responsible recycled headphones may be purchased for $35 a pair.

On behalf of your flight crew, we welcome you aboard, and hope you have a safe, enjoyable flight.