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News Roundup

  • From the “Shaken, Not Stirred” Department – Comet Lovejoy, which is swing its way through the solar system, appears to be more than a dirty snowball.  Rather, it may be more like a dirty martini. Scientists studying the compounds that escape it during its trip near the sun believe that it is outgassing large amounts of ethyl alcohol, or as they call it here in Kentucky, corn squeezings.  Good to know that when we finally make our way off this mudball, we will be able to find at least one of the prerequisites for life:  booze.
  • From the “This D!!@A House” Department – A woman in Massachusetts was unharmed the other day when she accidentally broke off a gas valve in her basement.  The house eventually caught on fire and exploded, and thankfully, nobody was harmed. I’m sure it was unintentional, although I must admit that at points in all of our ‘projects’ at Casa de Oso, I start to pick out places to implant explosives so that I can implode the place without messing with the neighbors.
  • From the “Gripping Your Pillow Tight” Department – Scientists have discovered that crocodiles sleep with one eye open, and only rest half their brains at a time while sleeping.  Having been married to a redhead for over a decade, I can now say that I have at least one thing in common with crocodiles.
  • From the “Cold Dead Hands” Department – Authorities in California, London, New York, and Austin are warning the public that the level of asshats in their area has grown so concentrated that they may collapse into singularities and suck the rest of the world into their joyless, self-centered, pitiful realms of existence.  This is after the World Health Organization, known for their daily two-minutes-hate against anything fun in the world, including baby kittens, announced that bacon, sausage, and other forms of red meat are now to be considered carcinogens.  In response, I suggest a guerrilla war against the jackbooted thugs from WHO, in which we will launch nitrates, smoke flavoring, and pork leavings through their bedroom windows at 2 AM, thereby ensuring that they do not get a decent sleep for months to come.  Remember, if they come for your bacon, turn them into compost.  Do it for mother Gaia.
  • From the “Darwin was British” Department – British transport officials are begging people to stop endangering their lives by lingering on railroad tracks.  It seems that some places have become magnets for lemmings people who want to take pictures, have conversations, and become an urban legend by being knocked out of their shoes and over the vicar’s new red barn, and the government would rather they do it somewhere less dangerous.  This reporter suggests the meat packing plants, foundries, and down on Pier 43 after midnight.  Really, anywhere people like this can be taken out of my gene pool before they breed.
  • From the “Grave Robbing” Department – Archeologists in Greece have announced the discover of an intact grave from the Mycenaean culture.  The man, who was buried with weapons to the left and treasure to the right (Here I am, stuck in the middle with you), is currently being audited by European tax officials for being 3,500 years in arrears, and is expected to lose all of his gold and 2/3 of the gilded weapons once they finish.  The non-gilded weapons have been impounded by EU officials as dangerous to public safety and tranquility.
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2 Comments

  1. Ouch, that last one had me snorting coffee… that HURTS! 🙂

  2. That WHO “Red & Processed Meat” thing stands as proof that the UN is an evil organization. I’m not surprised that then media are reporting ti as straight fact, but and “study” that “proves” that meat eaters have almost a one percent greater chance of developing “some form of bowel cancer” hasn’t proven much.

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